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Old 28th January 2012, 11:42 AM   #16
mrsc
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Re: Can't get over my affair

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You were with him sexually before, but you say there has been no sex since? That seems unlikely, as you know about each other intimately, right?

Now you are only married 5 years. Are all the children born of this marriage? I wonder how you had time to play on the internet with the young kids at home. You are the homemaker, likely, as you have time to do that while he works. So the last three years you have been having this affair while you are at home, while your husband works to care for all of you.
No wonder the internet is blamed for 50% of todays' divorces!
Whilst I thank you for your interest 1aokgal, its less than helpful to make numerous assumptions, then make your judgement based on those assumptions!

I never said I was with him sexually when we are younger, "That seems unlikely" would appear to be an accusation of dishonesty (please feel free to correct me), you have no knowledge of my dosmestic circumstances with regard to our employment status, nor of the age of our children, and I certainly never said nor implied that the internet played any part in our affair!

So I would reiterate my thanks to you but please keep to the information provided and ask questions if you need further clarification.
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Old 28th January 2012, 11:51 AM   #17
Raymond
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Isn't it like that with all temptation? It's as if a picture is painted that looks fantastic but deep down we know it is wrong. Do we give into that or do the right thing? The battle of the mind. One thing is sure that if we take a bite it might taste good but eventually we will be eating worms. I think we all have to recognise things that just have a pretty package with no substance and the thing that is true, faithful and good and which will cause us happiness.
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Old 28th January 2012, 01:15 PM   #18
Raymond
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Just thinking about this in the shower (just played tennis) I think for me Chosen's words about starving the fantasy and not feeding it is the key here. This is very difficult to do with just self effort. I think one has to watch their diet as well in the sense of what we are taking in.

It is clear that we are being fed a wrong diet by the media where adultery can be glamourised along with affairs. I think if we are feeding on this then some might become vulnerable to betraying their spouses. Just a thought but if one has a wrong temptation, watching and reading things that feed it and make it seem good are extremely unhelpful.
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Old 28th January 2012, 01:16 PM   #19
chosen
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Re: Can't get over my affair

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Originally Posted by mrsc View Post
I assumed SM meant giving in to it? At least i think that's it!
I hope not!!!
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Old 28th January 2012, 01:25 PM   #20
chosen
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Re: Can't get over my affair

As you say mrsc, writing is theraputic and helpful. Maybe start a journal or something.Or write here as much as you like. It can help us to get our thoughts and feelings in order.This thing of taking every thought captive takes time, so dont get discouraged if you fail. Just pick yourself up and keep going. Gradually you will see an improvement. The things that we allow ourselves to think about, and the words that we speak, are so important, and can affect us and those around us so deeply.

Maybe I am unusual, but I have never been attracted to that type of man, in fact they turn me right off. Arrogance and self importance are very unnattractive qualities to me. My husband is so laid back, modest, kind, patient, easy going and has such high moral values and bags of integrity. Just how I like men. I dont even like to be around arrogant, overly ambitious, driven men(or women come to that).
God Bless
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Old 28th January 2012, 05:06 PM   #21
mrsc
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Re: Can't get over my affair

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Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Just thinking about this in the shower (just played tennis) I think for me Chosen's words about starving the fantasy and not feeding it is the key here. This is very difficult to do with just self effort. I think one has to watch their diet as well in the sense of what we are taking in.

It is clear that we are being fed a wrong diet by the media where adultery can be glamourised along with affairs. I think if we are feeding on this then some might become vulnerable to betraying their spouses. Just a thought but if one has a wrong temptation, watching and reading things that feed it and make it seem good are extremely unhelpful.
Absolutely. I have some resolve today and will delete any songs/photos which reminds me of him. Its a start.

I definitely don't think of this as glamorous however. Quite the reverse - its draining and difficult and pointless.
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Old 28th January 2012, 05:10 PM   #22
mrsc
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Re: Can't get over my affair

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Maybe I am unusual, but I have never been attracted to that type of man, in fact they turn me right off. Arrogance and self importance are very unnattractive qualities to me. My husband is so laid back, modest, kind, patient, easy going and has such high moral values and bags of integrity. Just how I like men. I dont even like to be around arrogant, overly ambitious, driven men(or women come to that).
God Bless
Thanks Chosen. Sadly for me perhaps I drawn to alpha personalities. I am extremely driven myself. I never rest. All my women friends and most of the men are similar. Big personalities. Not bad people, not lacking in moral values, but just bags of self-confidence, and I like confident, strident people.
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Old 28th January 2012, 05:14 PM   #23
chosen
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Well done, we are all behind you in this. Just be grateful and thankful that it didnt progress into a full physical affair(like it did last time with him), so much harder to get free of. At least you stopped it before that. It will be battle but you can do it. Its a battle that will bring good results for you and your family.

Do you know, I feel so much for his wife, he had the 2 year affair with this other lady, and she is living in ignorance. So sad.
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Old 28th January 2012, 05:18 PM   #24
chosen
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Re: Can't get over my affair

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Originally Posted by mrsc View Post
Thanks Chosen. Sadly for me perhaps I drawn to alpha personalities. I am extremely driven myself. I never rest. All my women friends and most of the men are similar. Big personalities. Not bad people, not lacking in moral values, but just bags of self-confidence, and I like confident, strident people.
My husband is very self-confident, but in a quiet unassuming way and not in a show-offy way. I woud not fit into your circles mrsc. I would be like a fish out of water. I would have nothing in common. I am very strong and determined, but not driven, and pretty easy to please and content.
We are all different though and that is good. We need all sorts in the world.

Last edited by chosen; 28th January 2012 at 05:32 PM.
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Old 28th January 2012, 06:53 PM   #25
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Re: Can't get over my affair

One makes assumptions based on what was shared here and the fact the internet was how you contacted here. I assumed that was how you kept in touch with the friend. There was not a lot of information here. You used the word "affair." Most affairs have a sexual component, whether intercourse has occurred or not. If you were in a relationship/dating with him some years before then, why was there no sex involved? Generally, when one says there was a relationship, sexuality is is a component. Perhaps the fact there was no sex raises the suspense or attraction level?

I did a little research on the kind of attraction you relate, in trying to understand how you could be attracted to this man.

Chosen and I have something in common. That is the type of man we find attractive. My husband is confident and very attractive, but doesn't have that "gloss" that comes with some men who move easily with women. I recognize that kind of man in my uncle. Women were drawn to him like butterflies to flame. He moved with an assurance that attracted them. I actually remember walking down the street with him holding my hand on a visit when I was about 5., Two young women walked past him and whistled at him! He just smiled and took it in stride and he was used to female appreciation. I was also aware how handsome he was anytime he was around the ladies crowded around him. Later, I wondered how my aunt could put up with all the women who buzzed around him. They played tennis as members of a country club, so had many friends. He was so masculine and vibrant.

The day remember the incident I walked with him was outside the racquet club and he was dressed in tennis shorts and shirt. He was as handsome as any movie star idol. When I was 5, he promised to wait for me when I asked him, until I grew up..to marry him. I was quite in love with him as a child. He had a wonderful wife and marriage and seemed to have an ideal life. Sadly, that marriage ended when one of his intrigues was too much for my aunt. He married again, and that didn't last. Into his 50's, women half his age were still in pursuit. He was a self made man of great wealth and women adored him. I think the women who loved him barely shared his spotlight as it was always about him.

In my adult life, I avoided such men. I wanted a man who was a bit difficult to know and didn't have a lot of women in his track record. I remembered the uncle and how he attracted women. I didn't trust that kind of male ego.

Since you posted I read a bit about emotional affairs and this was interesting. This is a definition for such an affair with or without a sexual component.

"Sexual and emotional chemistry can present itself based on a physical attraction one might feel for another person. In addition, it can also be related to an increase in dopamine, a hormone that produces feelings of pleasure, and norepinephrine, which is similar to adrenaline and causes an increase in excitement. This may or may not lead to physical intimacy, however, if nurtured it may present itself. The time between the first meeting and a first kiss can often be very lengthy, but the time between the first kiss and sexual intercourse may be very short. In most of these affairs, however, an unspoken attraction exists. A partner may spend extra time getting ready before seeing this "friend" or may buy new clothing or change their appearance in order to seem attractive to them. They may obsess, anticipating phone calls, emails or text messages."

So it seems this physical attraction sets up a chemical high, just like a smoke of something illegal!Perhaps that explains some of this.

The sad part here, is that his wife probably has that feeling as well. He seems to move easily into relationships that are spice for him with others. So it is not an exclusive feeling he shares with a woman. He has a track record with women. Perhaps he is a bit like my uncle who needs that excitement and gratification component to his life. It is living"on the edge" to be in a situation that could be exposed or discovered. That can be intoxicating for some.

It must be very difficult to live with a man you are married to and obsess about another. Your husband must love you very much. A 5 year marriage is not a lot of time together. Usually that is a time when the honeymoon is still in the works. Your husband likely was married before as well, as you are in mid 40's. You have gone to relate together so do you feel that helps? I wonder if setting up more romantic date nights wouldn't help between the two of you. That is a lot of conflict to have in a short term marriage.

I think we can choose to make love work through many difficulties. I hope you choose to put this behind and find excitement with the husband so you have some of the 'high" there instead. Did you love him romantically when you married?

Last edited by 1aokgal; 28th January 2012 at 09:16 PM.
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Old 28th January 2012, 07:03 PM   #26
1aokgal
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Re: Can't get over my affair

This is also another component of such an emotional affair or attraction, by definition;

"Denial of the presence of sexual behavior, sexuality or even of an atom of limerence. "Limerence is an involuntary cognitive and emotional state in which a person feels an intense romantic desire for another person. It is characterized by intrusive thinking and pronounced sensitivity to external events that reflect the disposition of the limerent object towards the individual." This denial can be exhibited by the cheating partner and/or the partner being cheated on, especially if the partner cheated on is male. If the cheating partner accepts that the element of sexual attraction exists, however, and physical contact starts, it can cause the current relationship to start collapsing."

That fits in with what SM said that the infatuation probably would be dead if there was an actual physical affair. Suggestion...don't test the theory. Work it through by not allowing the thoughts or feelings.
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Old 28th January 2012, 11:13 PM   #27
mrsc
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Wow this is all powerful stuff. Thank you so much. I need some time to read it all again properly and absorb. Lots of stuff for me to think over. I'm so glad I did this it's so refreshing to have new inpu and some different perspectives. Particular thanks to Chosen and 1aokgal.
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Old 28th January 2012, 11:29 PM   #28
Sillyman
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Re: Can't get over my affair

SM,

I had an infatuation that turned physical. That's what ended my first marriage - physical infatuation. It wore off damn quick and in the end there was no substance to the relationship.

It's hard to fight it - but worth it.

SM
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Old 29th January 2012, 12:35 AM   #29
1aokgal
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Re: Can't get over my affair

So we all learned some new data about how our emotions work. There is always that puzzle we have too, which is I wonder why we are so attracted to certain people and not to others?
There are times we have met someone who would seem a good choice for a life partner, but we have a feeling about them as exciting as noodle soup. We spoke about that here on the forum not long back...no chemistry.

We sure know when the chemistry is working! There is true measurable physical changes occur as pulse, heartrate and the nostril flaring, perking up. I sure knew right away my husband was going to be "the one." The nice part of real chemistry is, if all the rest is as it should be, it works both ways, and we usually select someone most like us in values.

One needs to get past the glow of the person to find out who they really are underneath. One always put a projected image forward to attract someone. That image is not always the "real person" as some of us found later on the long term. All is not gold, that glitters!

Marriages in trouble are often about when the attraction has waned and one needs to learn how to live with the real person.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 29th January 2012 at 06:10 AM.
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Old 31st January 2012, 09:53 AM   #30
mrsc
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Re: Can't get over my affair

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Well done, we are all behind you in this. Just be grateful and thankful that it didnt progress into a full physical affair(like it did last time with him), so much harder to get free of. At least you stopped it before that. It will be battle but you can do it. Its a battle that will bring good results for you and your family.

Do you know, I feel so much for his wife, he had the 2 year affair with this other lady, and she is living in ignorance. So sad.
Thanks for your supportive words Chosen. As I said it never has been physical affair, either when we were young in the late 1980s or three years ago. I am pleased about that because I would find it impossible to come back from that to my marriage. The guilt is bad enough and that aspect would be untenable. Both E and myself were quite clear we didn't want that anyway - it was too prosaic and predictable in the context of what we "had". Almost spoil it, he said.

Feeling much more positive that I can let go of this infatuation and have lots of stuff to work on here so thanks everyone. I said to a friend yesterday that this is the first time I have felt I don't WANT to have these obsessions - before I always felt they were something I had to manage or cope with, and it never occurred to me that I might be able, or more importantly want, to affect them fading and perhaps leaving me in peace permanently.

In the last few days, when a song has come on the radio, or thoughts have popped into my head, I have found that an irritation, not a source of sorrowful pleasure and bittersweet memories. That is a huge step forward for me. I do hope I can build on this. I am worried there will be a regression at some stage but I will deal with that if it happens.
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