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Old 20th August 2010, 11:54 AM   #1
Bikerboy
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Wife has left, for good?

I am 64 years old, my wife is 45, and we have known each other for 12 years and have been married for ten years. We have no children, have taken early retirement in the country, and have an active social life. Since June last year I have been ill with cancer, hopefully now sorted out. During this time my wife has been caring for me, and has done a great job.
At Easter this year, with a days notice, she told me she was very depressed and having a nervous breakdown and needed some time on her own to ‘sort her head out’ and left to stay about 15 miles away. She says she wants to do things for herself, be on her own, live life to the full, she said she cares for me a great deal, that our age difference in not a problem, when pressed a little on the subject of love for me, says she cannot just stop loving me after 12 years. She says her passion for the marriage has gone; I know now that she has been thinking about leaving for a few months, but waited until I was a little better. She will not talk to me about why she feels this way, and I am reasonably sure she doesn’t know herself.
In 12 years, I never knew that she bottles things up inside her. She will not go to doctor or therapist, to seek help.
I am assuming, with input from my doctor, that she was not emotionally able to cope with my illness, and has turned against me, the house, sex and our life together. After a lot of self-examination I also think that I have been too mean spending money in our retirement on the house and the holidays abroad, we used to have.
After four months away she has just told me that she won’t be coming back; though surely it is silly making major decisions whilst under stress. I love her deeply, but I don’t know that I am able to wait for her to see if she changes her mind.
I am not intending to give up on her, but just what can I do?
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Old 20th August 2010, 01:08 PM   #2
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Wife has left, for good?

Sounds like she is burnt out to me. All output and no treats. It is an eye opener to you it seems. We need to care for our wives and be aware of their needs. What has happened to her is human. You needed the care and she supplied it but she obviously had needs that weren't met or that you were not even aware of. Perhaps they sounded trifles to her compared to your state but they turned out to be real needs.

I would write to her and try and put it right if you can. It maybe wasn't your fault at all but now you see it there may be hope.

Raymond
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Old 22nd August 2010, 07:57 AM   #3
Bikerboy
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Re: Wife has left, for good?

Hi, Raymond ,
Thanks for your input. Your opinion is the same as mine, perhaps with a little MLC involved. For the year before we found out about the cancer I was listless, tired and had several minor health issues, the doctor says it was the cancer causing these problems. Unfortunately for the past 12 months I have been quite foggy on morphine and anti-cancer drugs, after a kidney removal operation, so I have not really been aware of the real world. I am talking a little to my wife but she does not say a lot, just that she wants to be on her own and fend for herself. After ths initial massive shock to me I am being kind and understanding and trying to win her over. She says that she won't come back and the marriage is over; I am hoping with time and attention to myself, I can show her that I am back to my normal self and try to repair the damage to our relationship. I am trying to show her that the passion can be re-kindled and our life could now be even better together.
It is very sad because up to the time I was ill, we had a really good life together exciting, happy and loving. My main problem is that she is very stubborn and says she won't change her mind. I know I can't change it for her, so I am trying to show that I have changed, and am hoping that she will eventually reconsider her decision, but it's tough.

Bikerboy
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Old 22nd August 2010, 09:34 AM   #4
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Re: Wife has left, for good?

That's all you can do Bikerboy. What you are doing. There are no guarantees of course so you should hope for the best but be ready for the worst.

Raymond
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