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Old 17th September 2011, 12:51 PM   #106
Raymond
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Re: Married and lonely

Sasha this is one wife's situation who is preparing to confront her husband about the dreadful porn he is into.

Ah, what a night! I am still at work doing my planning and preparing in private for this confrontation!*

I have to have a few more things in place before I do it, namely: some money set aside, a bag packed in the trunk and my cell phone and keys on me. I did manage to speak to our priest today, and he restated what you had said, that it must be confronted absolutely. He cautioned me to do it in a public place where there were people who would not hear but where I would still feel protected in case he was unpredictable.*

I have done a lot of (heartbreaking) research tonight on this addiction, and I have a much more empathetic view of what has happened, but I am firm in that he must either seek recovery or choose to leave the marriage, that I will not abide both. I have written out what I want to say so that I sound supportive and not condemning and reassure him that if he chooses our marriage I will stand by him during recovery as long as he is open and honest about the relapses which will happen.*

I gathered some resources for him and a listing of sex addiction therapists, accountability software and sites for support. I will have to speak to him about it and pray for a good outcome. Only God can heal him if he wants to be healed. God does not want me to live in a marriage with this, and as awful as I feel, I have to lean on Christ to help me to be compassionate and loving because I sure want to pot him one.*

I had to go to the lawyer because I grew scared when he was googling "Divorce law in AZ" and whether or not my dental practice was considered community property in a divorce. I don't want to punish him, but I don't want him to punish me for exposing his secret either. Hopefully the lawyer I see on Monday will be more helpful than the one I saw on Wednesday.*

Can you think of anything else I should do in preparation for this?
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Old 18th September 2011, 06:35 AM   #107
Shasha
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Re: Married and lonely

Hi Raymond, thanks for that. You know, there are many times that I ponder on leaving this marriage, because he does not want to do anything about his addiction and also to try to do something to save our marriage.
He is in total disobedience to the Lord in these respects. I am fighting and am in the middle of a spiritual battle at the moment, but the evil forces are huge. Therefore, it is not by might, nor by power, but by His spirit that I shall win this war. A lot of odds are against me, right now. But hopefully some day soon, I will see the end of the tunnel. I know I will get the victory in this.
In the midst of all of this, He has given me peace, even if just for a time, until He can make a way for me and my son.
God bless.
S
__________________
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son,
That whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

"For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world,
But that the world through Him
might be saved." JN 3:16,17

Grace be with you all.
God bless!
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Old 18th September 2011, 09:41 AM   #108
Raymond
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Re: Married and lonely

You are absolutely right Sasha. There is no room for this stuff in a christian marriage. Also you should not reproach yourself in any way in imagining that you came short physically or something. The above lady thought this way but it is a lie from the pit. The truth of the matter is that the husband was tempted and fell for it in a big way and is now addicted with no sign of repentance. A bit like your husband. He is supposed to be a christian as well but there is not much sign of it. She will be confronting him on Monday.

God is faithful when we look to Him but you may need to make some decisions at some point.
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Old 18th September 2011, 10:27 PM   #109
Baroness
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Re: Married and lonely

I was talking to my brother and we are very close and a lot a like and he has has a big problem in his marriage for about then years. His wife is addicted to pain pills. She just had surgery on her back but before then she was taking pain pills and now its just rediculous. She steals my brothers pills.

My brother had a serious accident years ago and had a slipped disc and he needs his pills but she either steals them or wears him down to where he gives them to her. I has to lock up his pills and she gets her own from her doctor but she takes too many and then takes them from my brother.

My brother is a christian but feels nothing for his wife anymore and they have no physical relationship and we were talking about why we have to deal with this in a partner. My case is different in that I still love my h but he doesn't and hasn't for awhile. There's been too many lies and she's freaked out from overdosing and has been in the hospital many times because of it.

She is a manipulater but a nice person on the surface and we get along well but she's always got an angle. She has a back brace and is in pain and her doctor is trying to wean her off the pills but she is addicted to them and her behavior has been bizarre, even spiritually bizzare and I fear for my brothers life sometimes.

He wants to leave because he's so unhappy but is wanting a sign from God. I love my brother and I don't think he should have to keep suffering like he has for years now. We were talking and we both don't understand why God hasn't done something about our individual problems. In his case I think it would be better for him to leave.

She has threatened his life and I know this is hard for him but he doesn't want to do anything that God wouldn't want and so we are kind of in the same boat. I just don't understand why we have to go through this kind of thing. My brother should be happy, he should be with someone who wants him. He has a sex drive similar to mine and told me its very hard.
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Old 15th November 2011, 11:08 AM   #110
beenthere
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Re: Married and lonely

I just say you two need t communicate and see why he act the way he does. But in reading the beginning of your story, you calling your husband names was out of line. No matter what he is or is not doing that is your husband and you should respect him as his wife. If you are going to leave the marriage then do so, because complaining and having these ill feeling about him probably show up in your actions. If you plan to stay in the marriage figure out how you can make it work and remember God can draw a husband through a believing wife. As a married couple I am not against porn unless it is affecting the marriage . It is okay in my book if both husband and wife is participating in it to enhance their sex life. The bible do say the marriage bed is undefiled. If your husband want you too play dress up after you all watch a porn movie, then I say go for it. Dress up and learn to enjoy it because it is what he wants and it makes him happy. Thats just my opinion.
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Old 15th November 2011, 01:45 PM   #111
Raymond
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Re: Married and lonely

I know if I watched porn my marriage bed would certainly be defiled. It wouldn't then just be my wife it would be her and all the other images that I had in my head. I think you are on the wrong track here Beenthere. Nohing justifies porn in a marriage.
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Old 15th November 2011, 06:50 PM   #112
1aokgal
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Re: Married and lonely

beenthere...

A guy who can't get it up in his marriage without dragging porn films into the marriage bedroom has a problem. Likely that will get raunchier and raunchier as he desensitizes to his wife and gets more porn images in his head. Most decent women don't like such images or "play" films.

The husband dress up after porn films? Sounds like a man would be a wackjob to me to "dress up" in female clothes or drag to parade around. I once had a client who did this in his marriage and it cost him the marriage after she became disturbed that he relied more and more on fantasy.

Disturbing thought here, that a marriage and sex can't be exciting enough between people who enjoy each other, and who don't get bored with the activity. That activity can be varied without incorporating porn and bi-sexual components. Next would be other weird activities. Beenthere, that is not inventive it is pushing the borders of normal behavior.
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Old 16th November 2011, 07:17 AM   #113
beenthere
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Re: Married and lonely

1aokgal,
I was not talking about a man that need porn to get it up. Yes, that will definitely be another issue. I am saying if you have a husband that watch porn , it is not so bad to incorporate that into your sex life. If you would still have images of the other women then that would not be for you and your wife. I am not saying watching it all the time either, I am just a believer that it is okay to be adventurous in the bedroom. Marriage is forever and sex between man and wife should be fun and remember what might work for one couple might not work for others. Oh, and I never meant anything about bi-sexual activities. I must have been misunderstood. I am speaking of a husband and his wife and whatever works for them in the bedroom without adding other people, let it be. Who are we to judge. But, i do say if the porn is destroying the marriage and home, let it go.
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Old 16th November 2011, 07:23 AM   #114
beenthere
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Re: Married and lonely

well Raymond,
that how you feel and these are just our opinions. But, the bible do not speak about porn in the bedroom between husband and wife. If you could not watch porn with your wife without thinking of the women you see then that is you. But, I am speaking from experience and and every blue moon my husband and I will put on a disc and in all actuality, we don't even really be watching it, it is just playing in the background. So once again, what works for one couple may not work for another.
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Old 16th November 2011, 07:42 AM   #115
beenthere
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Re: Married and lonely

1oakgal,
I apologize if you were offended, but your statement about most descent women dont like such images or "play" film was offensive. My husband knows he has a descent wife, but in the bedroom neither him or me is interested in decency. And I am a very descent woman and as long as my husband and I respect each other in and out the bedroom, we are good. Oh, and I love the Lord with all my heart. An addiction to porn is another story.
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Old 16th November 2011, 09:45 AM   #116
Raymond
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Re: Married and lonely

I think you are on the wrong track here Beenthere. Jesus said that whoever looks on a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

I'm all for adventure in the bedroom but that shouldn't include porn in my opinion. My eyes and my drive should be towards my wife not on images of other naked women doing things with men. I really don't see how you can justify the porn industry and the detrimental affect it is having on marriages. You may be alright with it but for most men it has a detrimental affect. I think you are playing with fire exposing your husband to such things.
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Old 17th November 2011, 12:26 AM   #117
1aokgal
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Re: Married and lonely

beenthere...

No apology needed, thanks. Offended? No, I am an adult who has heard it all!

Different strokes for different folks but that "playing with fire" porn stuff in the background, sounds pretty raunchy activity to me! Maybe you would buy the Brooklyn Bridge if your man is selling it? Sounds like you bought a bill of goods from him to talk you into that one! Is he bored in your company so he needs extra stimulation of other nude bodies? I wouldn't go along with that plan, nor would most decent women be interested to be having a sex experience with three or more in a bedroom, even when the extra women are images on a porn video. What could you be thinking? What you have accepted in your bedroom now may cause you to regret in the future.

Perhaps the book, "Kama Sutra" has enough ideas or moves for most couples. That can get rather adventurous with variety. Sounds like Raymond has enough variety in his repertoire not to include porn or such deversions. The porn may be used to replace when something seems needed as when there may be a lack of imagination or poor material to work with, in the first place.

A decent woman is defined as:
1. Characterized by conformity to recognized standards of propriety or morality.
2. Free from indelicacy; modest.

HMMM..not sure we agree if your take on decent fits these definitions.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 17th November 2011 at 05:12 AM.
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Old 17th November 2011, 06:42 AM   #118
beenthere
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Re: Married and lonely

Well Raymond,
You can say I am on the wrong track and i can say the same about you. However I will not debate this. Everyone interpret the bible and scriptures different. So, your opinion is just that and mine is just that. I will not say you are wrong because that is your opinion and that is how you interpret that scripture. Again, I am not talking about someone having a porn addiction or even looking at porn everytime they want to get intimate. I am not talking about a couple using it where it is detrimental to their marriage. And I am not playing with fire, my husband and i went to a store where we can get fun things and we both picked out a dvd. So, I guess you can say we both played with fire and enjoyed it. That has not affected my family or married life and I am still a God fearing Christian. Now, again, what works for you and your marriage works for you, I will not judge you but thank you for your comment.
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Old 17th November 2011, 07:03 AM   #119
beenthere
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Re: Married and lonely

1aokgal,
For you to be so disrespectful and say the things you said in your posting does not seem to me that you know what a descent woman is also. I will not debate with you nor Raymond, obviously if you two are married you have your ways of keeping things fresh in the bedroom and I have mine. I am very confident in who I am and what my husband see me as, so whether my husband look at a woman on the street or on TV does not define me or our marriage. Because he makes me feel like I am the most beautiful woman in the world and he treats me as such. And whether the ideas that one may get for intimate moments come from a book or movie, who's to say which one is wrong. If you prefer a book, then that is great and I'm glad for you. But one thing you should never do is throw darts at someone because they do things differently than you do. And you threw some darts in your last post. And, my husband didn't and don't have to talk me into anything when it come to the bedroom or out of the bedroom. We both enjoy pleasing each other, and you will never hear any complaints where that is concerned. We have satisfied each other for over 25 years and still going strong.I have not regretted anything that we have done in the bedroom that have been between ME and HIM. Sorry Sasha this was suppose to be about you but i guess others didn't like my advice, so I say if your husband have a problem with porn go get help together if you want the marriage to work. Good luck Sasha and remember people opinions are just that opinions, at the end of the day it is just you and your husband and what you find to work for your marriage, let it work. Pray and let God be your judge

Last edited by beenthere; 17th November 2011 at 07:09 AM.
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Old 17th November 2011, 07:35 AM   #120
beenthere
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Re: Married and lonely

Sasha,
I apologize for my previous postings,I got side tracked. They were not meant for you. However, just know that God is bigger than any circumstance. There is nothing too hard for God. He made your husband, so it is God that can fix him. If you want the marriage to work I will say just keep the faith and know that the same God that created this world with 1 word, Let, he is the same God that created you and your husband. God honors marriage and just continue to have faith in God. And if your husband is an unbeliever and he wants to leave the bible say let him go, And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Roman 8:28. I will keep you in my prayers and you already have the victory, so now you just have to praise him for it.

Last edited by beenthere; 17th November 2011 at 07:44 AM.
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