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28th January 2010, 09:47 AM
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#106
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex
Probably the latter reading between the lines Derek.
Raymond
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30th January 2010, 02:10 AM
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#107
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Guest
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex
I have cried-begged-fought with my husband over sex (or lack there of) for 2 years. Before we married I joked that I didn't care about $$$ or my home, but I wanted a pre-nup for sex every night. Now I would be happy with 3x a week, and I can't seem to get it once! Before we were married he always wanted me.
He has used EVERY excuse in the book, Anti-depressants (had them changed from prozac to Wellbutrin xl), Family issues with his brother causing MAJOR stress, a work related injury requiring surgery, his low self esteem due to weight gain. IT IS ALWAYS SOMETHING!!! I have tried everything I can think of, and nothing works.
NEWSFLASH, an astounding number of men (and women) are addicted to internet porn, it can destory your sex life, and your marriage. I just had a goofy feeling and took the computer to a data recovery geek. Even though it was all dumped, he was able to pull it up for me. My husband tried to deny, but did admit it. He is getting help, and our marriage is in recovery already. HE IS ONE OF THE MOST HONEST PEOPLE I KNOW, AND I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS HAPPENED. It takes everything out of your physical relationship, It is an addiction, just like a drug.
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30th January 2010, 12:23 PM
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#108
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex
Quote:
Originally Posted by amberheller
Raymond- When I posted on here in a few places and got no responses I felt that I had angered people... I realize that it was me feeling guilty for not being more present here that caused that feeling, and it was quite egocentric. Also has something to do with my mindstate of not feeling good enough- in my head I said to myself, Amber you dolt, now you did it, a few people that took the time and energy to help you and now you proved to them that you aren't worth their time... geez... I need to work on that! We got into an argument a few days ago and he exclaimed at the end of a rant of his - "And don't write me any long notes... I don't need that. Do you hear me???" to which I replied quietly yes I hear you. if I had ANY guts I would have said well I have a note for you, but it is already written does that count? and handed it to him. But I didn't.
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Amber it is nice to hear from you. With regard to the above this site is a provision not a duty. You are welcome at anytime. Even just to rant. It is not my site but I am sure David and Liz (the owners) would concur with this.
I can't imagine saying that to my wife what he said about the letter. It sounds very callous and cruel to me. Your husband hasn't got it right regarding sex and could be at some stage of porn addiction. The scripture is very clear about sex only within marriage. That is why it is so important to get it right. Any sex outside marriage is adultery including pornography and the assoctiated practices. The same word is used for spiritual adultery where we inwardly worship an idol instead of God. Relationship is very intimate with God and within marriage. Expressing that urge outside marriage, porn in this case, is a travesty. It may be that sex is a kind of worship at least of our bodies and souls but porn muddies the waters and perverts what should be pure.
As a man if I get an idle moment in bed and find my self thinking of a female image sexually as soon as I am aware of it I turn my thoughts to my wife instead. Keeping the bedroom exciting is a great help in this. If we are not drinking from the right fountain we could be in danger of drinking from the wrong fountain. Doing porn is the opposite of this and is actually feeding the lust instead of resisting it. That lust will then grow and grow until it becomes an addiction.
http://player.premier.tv/premiertv.a...f666&ChannelId=
The above outlines some of what I am saying. On the same site there is an investigation into porn.
I know I need to be talking to your husband and not you Amber but if you can learn anything about it from a christian point of view you may be armed to bring a word of wisdom at the right time.
I believe Porn can be grounds for divorce personally. Not saying it is automatic grounds. It has to be worked out between the wife and her God, but good counseling will help as well.
God bless you
Raymond
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30th January 2010, 12:40 PM
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#109
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex
I am so glad your husband has recognised the sin of watching porn Headoverheals. It always takes away from the marriage bed in most cases I have observed.
It will be a struggle for him, but the more he arms himself with the right teaching on it the more chance he has of being delivered.
Sex is God's gift within marriage and can be a virtual ongoing feast, but who is the one who has come to kill, steal and to destroy?
Let us know how he gets on. We need to hear from those who have won this battle. God can restore the years the locusts have eaten if we let Him.
Raymond
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1st February 2010, 12:49 AM
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#110
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Guest
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex
I am torn between how to help him out of this mess. Do I ask questions, or not? I read THE PORN TRAP, and I have compassion for the withdrawl that he must be suffering. He is seeing a counselor, and is making great strides. He has low self esteem related to this, feels like a low life. I do not know how to relate to him. Do I ask ???? How long?, How many times per week?? We have always had such great communication, and I don't want to break that now, but this is such a bizarre private issue. I cannot decide how to relate to him, it almost seems like he is becoming a stranger.
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1st February 2010, 12:36 PM
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#111
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex
Personally I don't think it would be helpful to ask how long or how many times a week it was. If he is putting this behind him he needs to now look forward not back. Having said that part of his healing will be being open to you about it. If he wants to broach that let him. You can't not be involved as you are his wife and it would have affected your intimacy with him so you need to fight this together.
That he feels it is a low life is a truth. He needs that disgust to be motivated for victory over it. If he didn't feel that he may not have come to repentance, but having repented he will know that the blood of christ washes him from all sin. The enemy will try to put condemnation on him which isn't healthy. The main thing for him now is to resist and build a different pattern of behaviour. He will do it with God's help and your help.
There are a number of christians who have overcome this and have come into freedom. They will know it is not a game and have learned where the defences should be. In the end one of the best defences apart from personal faith is to enjoy the legitimate sexual relationship and intimacy that God has given in marriage, but this might take time for him. Pornography actually attacks this strangely enough so healing would bring this back into focus.
I expect that this strangeness could be coming from his disgust with himself perhaps feeling that he is not worthy of you. I wouldn't rush this. He is doing the right thing. He is in a battle for freedom just now. Be patient and all things should be restored much better than they were before.
Raymond
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2nd February 2010, 02:18 PM
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#112
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 192
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex
Derek...I think you have hit on a couple of salient points there buddy !
The younger women of today are more sexually liberated and know what they want. Many older women are quite/too reserved in the bedroom which can cause problems . Well it did in mine anyway...big problems..... marriage ending in fact!
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2nd February 2010, 02:50 PM
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#113
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Guest
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex
The younger women of today are more sexually liberated and know what they want. Many older women are quite/too reserved in the bedroom which can cause problems
Spider you have a point there, but when a woman is pushing the other side of 40, and knows there are plenty of 20yrs who are available, it's a bit hard not to feel intimidated in the bedroom. Especially when she's had children and the body isn't as firm as it used to be. Aging is much harder on women than men. Grey hair in men is often referred to as distinguished, where as in woman the're just getting old etc.
They can be other issues, ubringing, sexual abuse that may make the woman feel dirty if she acts in a certain way in the bedroom. Communication can often be a problem, depending, where shyness and feeling vulnerable may be present.
In some cases some men, by their actions and comments can make a woman feel inadequate compared to a younger woman. A man who can make a woman feel safe, sexy and desirable and is fairly skilled himself in the bedroom, will be smiling on a very regular basis.
Nothing personal Spider, just a comment to your post.
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2nd February 2010, 03:58 PM
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#114
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 192
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex
No I also agree with some of your points as well Gillian.
Just my own personal experiences drove me to write the post above. My ex is a very very attractive woman with a very very good body and age has done nothing to diminish that....she could put some 20 somethings to shame. I also used to tell her how I fancied her and when we used to go out she would turn many a blokes heads in bars , resteraunts etc...
Yet she didnt like getting undressed in front of me most of the time even though I used to pay compliments regularly and made her feel sexy and desirable.
She had a catholic upbringing which didnt help and her parents didnt discuss sex at all so she was quite sheltered I suppose......I was definitely wrong for her because i am very open and communicative about sex and likes and dislikes in the bedroom.
I suppose she was a little shy too but after a period of time you would think that would disappear between two people who know each other sexually????
Lee
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2nd February 2010, 06:49 PM
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#115
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex
It can take time for some women to lose their inhibitions in the bedroom Spiderman. You did well to try and build her confidence. It took my wife a while to get where she is today as she kind of lived a sheltered life. I am very honoured that she was a virgin, which is how it ought to be. Mainly they will adapt to who you are and you to them. Everyone is different.
I think what the younger women are doing today is irrelevant in a way as the marriage is between you and your spouse. Purity is a great energiser in the bedroom.
Raymond
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2nd February 2010, 09:41 PM
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#116
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 192
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex
Raymond it takes two to tango tho mate and if one isnt at the dance you end up with a solo routine
Lee
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3rd February 2010, 09:23 AM
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#117
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex
It is wrong for a husband or wife to defraud their partner. The husband's body belongs to the wife and the wife's body belongs to the husband. There isn't any choice not to have sex as a christian unless you are both consenting to it. If one of them has problems at least they should be aiming to overcome in order to have normal sexual relations.
Raymond
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3rd February 2010, 10:09 AM
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#118
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 192
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex
try telling that to my ex mate....no way did she see her body belonging to me.....period !
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3rd February 2010, 01:31 PM
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#119
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex
She obviously wasn't a christian.
Our bodies belong to each other only and that is why adultery or porn is a travesty of this.
Raymond
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3rd February 2010, 03:42 PM
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#120
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 192
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex
born and bred catholic Raymond.....go figure
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