Marriage Help Please!

[steve101]

Hello to all I am a loving husband to my beautiful Wife and 3 young lovely children. The last 8 months has been rough. My Wife wanted her own room so basically I sleep on the floor in my daughters room. We haven't slept together for around 7-8 months. It is killing me everyday as to what is going on. I have been a bit persistent and yes maybe at it allot as to what can be done. Well just the other day I managed to get some information from my Wife. By the way we have been married for 8 years. She has never told anyone this. At the age of 6years, 11years and 18 years someone had touched her where they shouldn't of. It was hard for my Wife to tell me this and as she is telling me this she is telling me don't ask anything please. I just listened to what she had to say. I did ask one thing was it the same person for those times. She said no it was 2 different people and don't ask me anymore please. I told her I feel so proud that you told me this.You have done nothing wrong you are beautiful. Thank you. I left it at that. I am in so much need for my Wife and I to be close again and I don't just mean intimate it is more to do with just holding each other and being close to one another. I am the kind of person that doesn't like to leave things the way they are and think they will sort themselves out because they normally don't. It is very hard to talk to her as she feels I am been pushy. She did tell me a couple of months ago that she saw me as a best friend. Just in the last few days it has come down to some conversation about all this and I have told her that I want what we had back. She tells me I am happy to be with you and kids in the same house. The kids will see there Mum and Dad together. I told her that yeah children aren't silly. I am sleeping on the floor in my daughters room we talk but never touch or show any feeling towards each other. What are we showing our children. Another days o by and I leave it then another and I ask her can we please fix this. She answers I can stay like this the kids see us together what do you want from me. I told her I miss her and just being able to be close to her.
Another day passes and we talk something small. She basically tells me that her feeling for sex has gone she don't like the feeling. I had to ask repeatedly and she told me that for a while now that she didn't like me doing something. I worked it out that for a year or 2 that when we were intimate, I must have been touching her in a way that made her feel no good and brought up the past. I WISH she had told me about this and not let it go on for this long. Is the damage done and cant be repaired I hope not. Also another thin that she barely managed to tell me. She always says I don't want to say as you will et upset. I tell her its ok we need to talk about this. She said that the last time just before we were going to have sex that I let one go.You know what I mean (flatulence). I didn't think much of it as we are close and I feel comfortable with her. We both pass wind in front of each other daily. But not before sexual activity. So my Wife said after that she feels ooohhh. It has really put her off. How the hell do I fix this. I love my Wife so much and children. I couldn't bare the thought of losing her and not being with my children daily.Going back a couple of months I took a big step and went to counselling. I have attended (5) sessions which I didn't tell my Wife about as I didn't want her to get upset. Last week though I did tell her I had been seeing someone and the look in her face was shocked, she said don't joke please. I said I am not joking so I showed her the business card. Her sigh of relief was oh. I asked her if she would attend with me next week. After a couple of minutes talk she said OK but nothing will change her feeling. So we attended the session and yes it was hard and the Psychologist basically was talking about what I would like from my Wife and of course what I can do as a husband. The session ended and basically we scheduled for 3 weeks later. I told my Wife the appointment was on a Wednesday and it would be nice if she could come with me. She said she is busy I don't have time. So I went alone. The psychologist was a bit disappointed but what can you do. You don't push someone to go with you. The other day in the car we were talking and she said what do you want from me. I said I miss you and want things back to how they were. I am here for you and want to help you that is why I am so persistent. She ended up having tears and told me Why do you want to hurt me! I told her there is no way that I would ever want to hurt you that I am just trying to help you. Also when I type all this information some of you might think that it is all over the place. Yes it might seem like that. I am trying to give as much detail as possible but it might not be in the correct order. So here I am September 2012 at 2:30am in the morning typing this information to see if anyone can please help as to what I can do. I cry on the day time and at nights a couple of times a week. I love my Wife and so desperately want to help her. I try and see it from my Wife's point that she would want to block all this bad past experiences. Please someone that has been through this let me know your story and outcome, also if there are any counselors out there that can help me with this please help. Let me know how to get my Wife the help she needs. She doesn't want to bring up the past it is to hurtful. But she really needs help and I am willing to do anything to help her and our Marriage.
Thank you so much for all that read this.

[Raymond]

That is a sad story Steve. Your wife has obviously been damaged through sexual abuse and there are thousands like her in our day. The trouble is there are certain legitimate sexual actions which will bring the horrific memories back. That is not your fault it is just a fact. Someone has invaded her most intimate space as a child and took advantage of her. I watched a video a while ago about a woman who had to sleep under her bed. Sleeping on top of the bed meant horrific memories of abuse by a stranger condoned by her mother. Even though there was no present danger she felt safer under the bed. That was an extreme case I know.

Your wife will need a lot of help and counselling. There is no quick fix that I have heard of. You could try Theophostic healing which I hear can be successful in these cases. Another avenue might be through Ellel Grange Ministries if you are in U.K. I know they can deal with this problem.

The video I saw was shown by our pastor and the woman and others like her came through to healing through counselling and prayer. These are things that I know of that can work but it would take love, trust and knowledge to win her trust so you need the right counsellors to help her. Acting too quickly would send her backwards. It is a case of her opening up and the damage being healed in stages, but that doesn't happen unless her trust is won. Not an activity for amateurs.

[steve101]

Thank you for the quick reply. All the information that you provide is all valuable. The last couple of days have got worse. Ok I might be to persistent which will lead my Wife to believe I am Pushy. I am so in need to get through to her but nothing is working. Every time I mention that can we please fix this relationship and this family. She replies with I can stay like this. I tell her it is not good for our children and I miss you so much. I just want to be able to hold you and just be next to you. I told her forget the intimacy just being able to be next to you is great.Our discussion was a bit fired up yesterday and she told me I dont want to listen to this story anymore, I am sick of it. Its too much. I can live like this she says. (Again) I feel very upset my wife telling me the same thing over and over.She told me If you don't want to that is OK. It is just everything I say to her she puts the big wall up. Allot of the time I talk and it will take her around 5 minutes to answer and that is if she answers. If I ask her things which normally she is sitting in front of the computer on the internet. She will just sit in front of the computer and read the screen. I have to ask her maybe 3-4 times the same question.Then she blows up and yells at me. My 7 year old daughter on many a times have called out to her Mum and asked her something and It will take my daughter 3,4,5 goes saying Mum,Mum,Mum,Mum. I have to jump in and say your daughter is calling you and you dont respond. My wife gets frustarted and has alot of anger and tells me she talks to much and something not important. I want peaceful then my Wife says she is exactly like you talks too much and talks nothing inmportant just talk. Then my daughter gets upset and says dad mummy says I talk too much. She doesnt care about me. I tell my daughter that mummy is just tired and a little bit stressed from the business. I have to make excuses.(See we have a restaurant which my wife and staff run in the evening 6 nights a week.)Then my daughter goes on a bit cries and feels like her mum doesnt care. So then My Wife really stresses out as she can not handle the cries and carry on my daughter does. My Wife says things like I cant handle it, this crying like a baby I dont like it. I am better to live by myself peaceful. So my daughter gets very upset and says dad mummy says I am a baby she doesn't love me. I tell my daughter that mummy said she doesn't like this behavior not that she doesn't like you. My wife really cant handle this crying and carrying on my daughter does. Also my son when he cries triggers her off. He is only a year old and of course he cries as babies do. She yells at me to say cant you pick him up. She says poor boy. I tell my Wife he is fine he just wants someone to hold him all the time. So she picks him up so he stops crying. OK getting back to the Issue in this family how can I get through? Or can I? I have tried talking nice and sweet but nothing even if I get upset or angry I just cant get through. I am so upset about this and desperately want to fix it. I am very sure that she is in need of urgent help. It cant be easy to live with her past and go through day by day with this anger. It would be great to hear of someone that had a similar situation to this and what did they do.I even told her if you like I can move out and you can have some peace. Do what you like she says. I know deep down she must care or Love me I am not sure which one it is. But she does start to cry a little when I try to talk to her about things.I feel I have lost my Wife!What If I just leave it, like she says. Will it get better. No I don't think so! What about if I pack a bag and walk out and tell her I am moving out I cant stand to live here and see you like this. Would this help or could it make things allot worse.

Thank you to all of you

Hi Steve...

Welcome to the forum.

Good that you have been going for counselling sessions. Please, for those of us following the threads who post here, can you paragraph your posts with shorter para. to make it easier to read? Normallly a grouping of related material in paragraphs keep ideas
concise.

[Raymond]

She is damaged property Steve. The more persistent you are the worse it will get. It's a miracle how you managed to have children. Maybe she gritted her teeth to get through it. This is no reflection on you. Just the problem she has. Her irritability is most likely because she knows she is failing in the sexual area but cannot handle it. You need to be gentle and not demanding. At the same time she needs to try things without any pressure.

Yes you are being defrauded but not by someone who is making a free choice. There is a reason for it. She really needs healing. The only woman I know on here who has been seriously sexually abused as a child is still suffering from it. She e mailed Ellel Grange then couldn't be bothered to fill out the form they sent. She runs a business as well. They have to make some kind of asessment and the will to be healed must be strong. They don't play around with people who don't want it.

I don't believe she really wants to be isolated from you but I see that she cannot cope with the sexual area because of the abuse she suffered as a child.

[steve101]

Thank you to everyone on here that has replied to my posting. I appreciate everything you all had to say.

I cry myself to sleep at night and it is killing me inside to see my Wife like this and I cant do a bloody thing about it.

Even if there was such a thing as hypnosis for this,the problem again is the patient needs to be willing to do it.

I wish that I was a bit stronger and didn't have this soft and sensitive heart. This way I could just suck it in and think everything will sort itself out.

My Wife can try and keep hiding this and not wanting to seek help as she thinks everything is OK. I know though deep down if I leave it time will not fix this,it will just get worse.

How do I take the step to sort this out. I am so upset and devastated it is ripping up my heart.

If anyone has had to go through this and have some steps for me to so through.
I would very much appreciate it.

Thank you Steve

[Raymond]

You are right she has to be willing to receive help. At the moment she is fighting off the pressure to do so she is not in that place to try little steps or to experiment. She knows deep down it is not right. Don't worry about that. She probably feels terrible about it but has horrific memories regarding sex through the abuse. One cannot underestimate this. Sexual abusers do more damage than one can know.

All she can do now is do the things that weren't done during her abuse. Repeat those acts and the painful memories associated with that act will come flooding in until she is healed.

I am not recommending hypnosis personally. All the healing I have seen was done on a christian basis. There are no other forms of healing for it that I know of.

Hi Steve....

You have really young children and she avoids having sex. What about the fact she may be concerned about pregnanacy? Are you using birth control because she sure may not want to add another child to a family already in stress.

Steve...
I am going to tell you bluntly that a human being can control body functions enough to remove themselves to another room or the BATHROOM concerning bodily functions. That flatulence habit with your mate is rude, crude and nasty. It is not to be condoned by a woman with class. A man who has no respect for his partner, shows his LACK of class. Women are creatures of romance and niceties and vulgar language or behavior belongs in a locker room!

You are also pretty pushy and desperate and the more pressure from you to the sex issue, the less likely it is there is going to be any help for this situation. Her attitudes did not happen overnight and won't be resolved overnight. I also will tell you bluntly I believe your wife is looking for an escape from "too much reality" from her husband by her activities on internet chats. She has her face in an internet screen because she may have a friend connection that is her emotional escape from a marriage that has become a trap.

If you want change you need to sharpen up your social skills and do a little courting and not begging, pressure or arguing. She had some bad things happen as a kid. Raymond is right, she is damaged, and there does need to be some counselling. I say not couple therapy for sexual abstinence, but for her to deal with childhood trauma. Little footsteps on issues and and some time on these issues may change dynamics between you, but until you are more romantically attractive and less "earthy" she is not going to feel she wants to be with you sexually. When there are problems in a marriage one does not pack a suitcase, especially with two little kids.

You do need to address her internet activities either alone or with a counselor. There is a way to research the PC sites she visits. Find out if she is on dating/single sites that feature chat rooms. I think there is "another man" in your marriage, but he is somewhere else in the world. Perhaps he gives her via keyboard the romance she craves. Do it before the internet chats become the escape she seeks in reality. Do some detective work before you confront this issue, so you don't accuse without having some facts. Statistics from divorces questionaires show 50% of divorces today get to that point from internet flirtations and affairs. Facebook got the highest hits for other connections.

You might spiff yourself up a bit and bring some romance back into your home. Caring for little kids pulls at a young mothers' energy and reduces self esteem and sexual interest. A woman who becomes "mom" and doesn't feel as sexy for awhile.
This marriage is not doomed, but the issues need some work. Don't give that frantic sexual pressure because she sees that as a total turnoff. Use some respect, social manners and maybe you need to consider a change in diet. Give this marriage some patience and work on your own issues to be the attractive man she married. Bring some romance back into a marriage that seems a bit too primitive. Don't talk about sex ..talk about feelings. Bring her some flowers, help with chores.
A guy who helps with dishes gets more rewards than one who lets his wife do all the house chores.

Thanks for paragraphs..I simply won't wade through long letters without breaks.