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Old 9th April 2009, 05:03 PM   #1
Mr D
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A question for you all...

Hi everyone,

I have a strange question for everyone on this forum, I have been lurking here since Christmas and find the advise that everyone gives very good.

I am having serious problems with my wife at the moment. One of the major problems is that we find it hard to communicate without it escalating into a row which can be very destructive.

We have two small children ages 3 and 7, I love my wife very much and I believe she loves me. But I am only too aware that I need to make changes in myself and my wife needs to make some changes too.

So, my question to you all is "would you be happy for me to invite my wife onto this forum so that we can discuss issues with the help and insight of everyone on here?"

I know this is a strange request, but I respect the views of many here.

Please be honest in your responses.

many thanks

Mr D
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Old 9th April 2009, 06:34 PM   #2
JWD
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Re: A question for you all...

That sound positive that you are both trying. Have you tried couple counselling at all? They are very good at setting boundaries and giving each person a chance to talk and having a third person in the room prevents flare-ups.

Maybe you could both write down in a letter how you feel, gives you both a chance to think what you are trying say.

I don't really have an opinion on you both posting, suppose as long as you don't get into defending yourselfs against each others compaliants etc. I'm not really any good with the advice on staying together but lots of others are as you know.

Hope you make it
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Old 9th April 2009, 06:39 PM   #3
jahdog
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Re: A question for you all...

would be happy to give any advice that may help keep any one from the hell i have gone through. wish wife and i had some help before was too late.
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Old 9th April 2009, 06:46 PM   #4
jahdog
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Re: A question for you all...

then again wtf do i know. my wife walked on my marriage. do not think i am qualified to give any advice.
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Old 9th April 2009, 06:57 PM   #5
clockwork orange
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Re: A question for you all...

Don't see a problem with that. Agree with JWD that counselling such as Relate or perhaps mediation (to begin with) would probably benefit you both. Credit to you for attempting to do something before it is too late.

A couple of suggestions from things I've learned if they are any use to you. Try to avoid the "You always", "you make me feel", "you never" kind of statements. Use "I feel....... when you......" type of thing rather. If you are not up to a discussion, acknowledge your wife's issue as important, and ask her whether you could talk about it at a mutually convenient time when you can give it your full attention. Often neutral ground helps - go to the park or something. Never ever interrupt. A white hanky or something to be held by the speaker can be helpful as a reminder.

Also get "the five love languages" by Gary Chapman. The things that make you feel loved are NOT the same as your wife's. This is one time where "do unto others" does not work!!!

Hope that helps.
CO
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Old 9th April 2009, 07:35 PM   #6
JWD
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Re: A question for you all...

our counsellor suggested setting an alarm clock for 15 mins and each get a chance to chat, when the bll rings it's the other persons chance to talk.

I know everything to do lol, just don't have a aprtners willing to participate
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Old 9th April 2009, 08:42 PM   #7
Ageing Grace
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Re: A question for you all...

Interesting question, Mr D.

As you know I'm a big fan of counselling - some counsellors are pretty dreadful, though, so it's as well to know what your issues & objectives are before you go!

Same with books. So, on balance, it could be useful for you both to post here; at the least, any feedback you get will be well-meant ... and might very well prompt the discussions you need to have

Is Mrs D okay with the idea, or have you not mentioned it yet?

AG
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Old 9th April 2009, 10:09 PM   #8
Raymond
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Re: A question for you all...

I think it would be a positive thing Mr D as usually we only get one side of the story and cannot input to the other half. There is lots of good advice on this site apart from the forum as you probably know. Give it a go but sift our replies and take what you feel is right for you. It would be a first for this site I think and could be groundbreaking.

Raymond
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Old 10th April 2009, 12:13 AM   #9
dave123
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Re: A question for you all...

Hi Mr D,

Well done for recognising the issue and taking active steps to work through this period together. However you decide to do it just the idea that you are trying will make a positive impact on your relationship. I have found the anonymity on here really refreshing and has helped me to be honest with myself and my posts and have admitted things that i probably would have kept back had the anonymity not been there. I also went through counseling, which i would suggest as the best help for you guys. Like Ray says though, take the advice you like and leave the rest behind. So feel free to ignore me completely!

All the best to you both,

Dave
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Old 10th April 2009, 06:56 AM   #10
georgie
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Re: A question for you all...

I agree with Dave. I recently had a dinner party with 6 close friends and got lots of very loving completely contradictory advice, but it all went in to my 'processor', and I took a few valuables from it. The counsellor is in my view your best option, there are some basic communication skills which we should be taught over and over again from the momment we learn to speak, but somehow we don't even realise they exist until we are in this type of situation. Good luck to both of you, I hope you work things out to a happy conclusion for both of you no matter how.
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Old 10th April 2009, 03:06 PM   #11
Mr D
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Re: A question for you all...

Thank you for all of your responses.

Unfortunately events took a turn for the worst last night, we had a big row about nothing really, mostly my fault. And as a result I left, packed a bag, got in the car and drove for 4 hours to my parents.

So, as a result and from speaking to my wife - it is over. I made the decision to leave and was warned by my wife that if I left it was over.

I would still like to invite Mrs D to this thread, I don't know if she will respond, we will see.

I agree with above posts, I do not want this thread to spirral into a slagging match, a tit for tat. I would like a space for both of us to express out feelings, concerns, fears and worried to an audience whose opinions I generally respect.

I feel very numb at the moment. Guilty for leaving the wife alone for the Easter break with vthe children and no support, but that said we both need some space at the moment

Thank you.
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Old 10th April 2009, 03:25 PM   #12
JWD
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Re: A question for you all...

She may have said it in anger if she said it at the time or if it's something she has said before then I'm sure she won't stick to it. Maybe when you have both calmed down over the weekend you can discuss it.

keep positive
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Old 10th April 2009, 03:27 PM   #13
RayCub
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Re: A question for you all...

Yeah, she might not mean it that she doesn't want you to come back. Just give it some time and space and see where that leads...
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Old 10th April 2009, 04:26 PM   #14
Mr D
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Re: A question for you all...

Thanks for the replies, this time it is very serious. Hopefully you will get to hear the history as I have emailed over the link to this.
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Old 10th April 2009, 07:37 PM   #15
Brotan
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Re: A question for you all...

You need to go back to her. You really really do. If she won't have you back it will become her problem, but right now you need to return to her - you cannot just run away from your wife. That is very immature behaviour and prevents any work from happening in the marriage.

How do I know - because my husband left me and in retaliation I left him while he was gone (he stayed with his brother for more than a week)

If you watch the movie Fireproof they will tell you: you never leave your partner, especially in a fire - your wife is your partner. If you want to save this marriage at all then go back now.

You have basically abdicated all responsibility and you have 2 small children who need their mother and father and especially over Easter - what you need to do is go back and be mature, do not start any fights with your wife, lay off discussing any problems for now and enjoy Easter as a family. Afterwards you will need to start to rpoblem solve in your marriage, but right now you need to return to your home.
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