Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 14th April 2010, 12:10 PM   #16
UpandDown
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 293
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Hazel

Wow - what a nightmare. It sounds like he does have depression based on my experience with other people with it!

Regarding his "work" with the counsellor, how come it's ending? Is it financial or at the request of the counsellor? I know how you feel about wondering what on earth has been going on in these sessions for the last year!! I asked myself the same thing although my H only went to a few sessions. I spoke to my Psychotherapist friend about this and she said counsellors can only deal with what is in front of them. They facilitate the client to solve their own issues by asking probing questions..... at the end of the day, a counsellor can't make someone face up to stuff. Your H sounds very similar to mine actually. Later on I plan to post a history of our ten years together (oo you lucky things!!) and if you can bear to read it, you might see other similarities.....

I think you did absolutely amazing with your conversation last night. Let us know how the meeting up goes. I think you're right to go into it with your eyes wide open. It does sound like he wants to use you as a crutch. You need to make it clear to him you will support him but he has to sort himself out. It does sound like a clean break between you would be best. You could say a time limit - like for six months you will sperate and not speak at all. If he can make good strides into sorting himself out in that time you can then think about getting back together? One idea. Does he have friends to support him? My H only has superficial relationships.......

I'll send you a message re phone numbers etc.
Love Kathryn
x
UpandDown is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th April 2010, 02:19 PM   #17
Wiggle
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Kathryn,

Thank you for making it to the end of that long post!

He's been seeing the counsellor for a year, and apparently at the end of a year they have a review and decide whether to continue or not. She's told him that she thinks he's made great strides, he's a lot more open than he was (I can't argue with that, I suppose....) so they've decided to call a halt to it for now, but he can go back if he wants to.

I think he's examined why he is the way he is in the counselling, but not considered the impact of that on others - it's all been about him.

I will be reading your 10 year history avidly (I foresee book deals and a film? )- I'm just sorry to benefit from your misery. What's been driving me nuts is I'm pretty certain he is depressed, but NOT ONE so-called professional he's seen, the doctor or the counsellor, has confirmed that which left me desperately trying to work out if he was just an a*se or depressed. So having someone else's experience to draw on would be a real insight.

Yes, I feel quite proud of myself! Turning around and telling him I thought he wasn't bothered was incredibly powerful and liberating. I think it also scared him, which is no bad thing . I think it's calling their bluff - telling them outright you are pretty certain they don't love you, means they can't hold it over you. Ha ha!

He's got a few good friends, but has a hard time accepting that they are freinds (he thinks he's not good enough). They're also a good hour's drive away, but I did encourage him last night to ring one of them. I'm not going to be the sole support for him on this, not after the way he's behaved.

A clean break - unfortunately that's not going to be easy to do quickly. No kids, but all my stuff is currently at his place and all my post is still going there (must get that re-directed) until my flat is free in July. Maybe after that...

I'm so sorry to hear you've had similar experiences with your H. It really does drag you down and I know when I was in the house there were many times when I wondered whether it was me causing the problems...or going mad...
  Reply With Quote
Old 14th April 2010, 02:42 PM   #18
UpandDown
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 293
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

The psychotherapist H saw said he was depressed as did the GP but not the counsellors. I think it's out of their remit. You could print off a definition or a list of symptoms for him but you can't make him see he's depressed.

Hope to meet up with you soon. Email me your phone number.
x
UpandDown is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th April 2010, 02:43 PM   #19
UpandDown
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 293
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Ps it's not you causing the problems!
x
UpandDown is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th April 2010, 11:01 PM   #20
yogamad
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Smile Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Wiggle, just read your thread, your problems sound very similar to mine. My H was also depressed for quite a while and it's very hard to live with. We also tried Relate but we actually ended up worse after the sessions.

Wishing you all the best.

xx
  Reply With Quote
Old 15th April 2010, 01:56 PM   #21
Wiggle
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

I know, another long one, but I'm finding it really useful for myself to look back at these posts and remind myself of what we've discussed.

I'm starting to wonder how many relationship problems on this site have been caused or exacerbated by depression!

Met up in the pub with him yesterday after work. We discussed again why his accusatory 'You...!' statements are not helpful. He managed to steer clear of them last night, and didn't mention housework either - I'm impressed.

We went over his communication difficulties. He admitted he has probably said 'please' & 'thank you' to me more than anyone else in his life before. I repeated what I'd observed before - that his parents NEVER said please or thankyou to each other or anyone else in the family either. He said his family just didn't talk about anything, let alone feelings. They never argued (sounds similar to the background of your H, Kathryn) and just repressed it all instead. He says even when he was sharing houses with people, he has always looked after himself and effectively lived by himself, emotionally and mentally isolated.

We had a good long chat about depression. Kathryn, your'e so right about not being able to make them see. We've talked about this many times but he just doesn't want to admit it. He knows he feels down, but just seems to think 'that's him'.

I mentioned some of the things from 'How to Undo Depression' which I'd thought was a good book, and he acknowledged that some of it did sound familiar. I pointed out what I've picked up from books and this forum - a lot of depressed men seem to find it easier to blame the OH's for the way they feel and think if they duck out of the relationship they'll miraculously feel better, only to find out shortly afterwards that they still feel down. He admitted that he was the only one who could help himself at the end of the day. I mentioned self help-groups, and he actually asked me to forward the info to him! Trying not to get my hopes up....

At the end he asked again what I wanted. I said I was starting to wonder if what I wanted involved asking the leopard to change his spots. And I repeated that I wasn't convinced he was that bothered, and he repeated that he didn't know, wasn't sure what he wanted in life or anything else for that matter. I pointed out that nobody could tell him that.

I think me saying I'm not sure he's that bothered has been a bit of a kick up the derriere for him though. I'm getting a slight impression that he is trying, but if he's 'not sure', I don't understand why he would be trying....my sister says he's probably scared of losing his 'security blanket'.

He also said he was up for another counselling / Relate session where rather than focusing on the issues, we look purely at how we communicate with each other and go over things like compliments, empathy, 'I' & 'You' statements etc.

I do wonder whether I'm emotionally investing in something that's not going to go anywhere though. I'm holding back all the time he's saying 'I'm not sure'.

Kathryn, I will e-mail. Personal computer is at his place so I'm using library computers at the moment.

Yoga, I wish I'd read more about depression the first time I had my suspicions. I just thought the doctor would sort it out...but it didn't help that he never talked about anything that was going on in his head!
  Reply With Quote
Old 22nd April 2010, 09:25 AM   #22
Wiggle
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Rubbish morning. Feel like I'm right back to square one, 10 years ago before I met him. Only 'cos he was so anti-social, now have fewer friends. So actually worse off than 10 years ago. Cr*p, cr*p, cr*p. Wish I'd never met him.
  Reply With Quote
Old 22nd April 2010, 10:21 AM   #23
UpandDown
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 293
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Must be something about today - I feel rubbish too! He has changed his status on FB....not to single thank goodness but to nothing and he has also put he's interested in women. What hurt most was that he wrote in all about him about the boys stating when they were born and that just reminded me that I gave birth to them and he's removed me from his life. Grrr.

We were doing so well!! I suppose tomorrow we could feel better. It's very choppy this sea eh?

Love Kathryn
x

PS you're a lovely person so you won't have any trouble making new friends or catching up with old ones....
UpandDown is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd April 2010, 10:39 AM   #24
luce
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 305
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wiggle View Post
Rubbish morning. Feel like I'm right back to square one, 10 years ago before I met him. Only 'cos he was so anti-social, now have fewer friends. So actually worse off than 10 years ago. Cr*p, cr*p, cr*p. Wish I'd never met him.
Wow. What is it with them. My X was anti-social too and i came out of this with very few friends Wiggle. But i am a warm, socialble person so once he was gone out of my life it opened the doors for other people to come in. It has only been 3 months for me and some of my old friends have re-entered my life and i am starting to make new friends. It still feels very lonely as it is transition period but it also feels exciting. You are clearly a warm, loving person too so you will gather people to you. It is really, really hard being were we are though Wiggle i know.

Kathryn, the facebook thing is awful. I sobbed like a baby when i saw my X changed his marriage status on facebook. It is like having them in your street. I do think that some of the actions they take on facebook are deliberately aimed at us too. Your X must know you are going to be looking at his facebook. My X must have known it too. Therefore, i do believe that some of the things he did were aimed at hurting me for whatever warped reason he had. I had to break the connection with my X on facebook for my own sanity. But still because his privacy settings werent properly in place i could see some things. On my request he did eventually de-activate his facebook account - it is the only human response he has shown me through all this.

Last edited by luce; 22nd April 2010 at 10:45 AM.
luce is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd April 2010, 11:20 AM   #25
Wiggle
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Thank you for all the kind words - I need them this morning!

Sorry to hear whatever is in the air has got you too, Kathryn. I've heard so many negative stories about Facebook I've never joined! Yes, it is a choppy sea - I suppose this forum is something of a liferaft, then..? Anybody got any travel sickness pills?!

I've got a few friends from a social club I was a regular member of before I moved in with him, but since I've not seen any of them for ages (he 'never had anything in common' with them) I'm feeling guilty about getting in contact.

It's been about 3 months for me too, Luce (I'm in a rented room, we're seeing if we can work it out but it's become apparent he's been depressed for years which hasn't helped...) Not hit the excited stage yet you lucky thing, mostly scared (and I'd gone a week without being anxious too...).

Seeing him Fri afternoon. Counsellor suggested we practise communicating once a week, and try to get together and just have some fun once a week. I thought that was a good idea initially, but this morning I'm worrying about that too.
  Reply With Quote
Old 22nd April 2010, 12:27 PM   #26
luce
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 305
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Wiggle i do get scared too. I had anxiety attack yesterday where i had to pull off the side of the road cos tears were streaming down my face and i couldnt breathe. I sat in layby like that for ages before i rang an old friend up and said 'help, i am having some kind of attack and dont know what to do'. Bless him he talked me down and i was able to pick myself up again for the day. When i am lonely and frightened i feel like that is my whole life I find it hard to remember that i am also other things if that makes sense? I am very up and down. Some days i am really excited and ok then others i am so low i just want to die. But in the beginning i was just low so it is real progress.

I know what you mean about getting in touch with old friends but I think you might be pleasantly suprised how many people will be there for you. I have friends supporting me who i havent seen for 26yrs until this happened - amazing. Because i live right out in sticks nobody ever comes to my house though which is lonely. But i do get in my car and visit people. I have joined a socialising club too which has been a godsend to me. Meeting new friends is a very welcome distraction. A couple of them i am developing relationships with outside the club too which is nice. Went Salsa dancing last night with a chap i met there (just mates) and in Sept i am going to a 4 day festival with one of the women that i am gettiing close too.

So how has he responded to the idea of getting together to have fun once a week? It is quite difficult to have fun with a depressive person i know. Have you come up with an activity?

Last edited by luce; 22nd April 2010 at 01:44 PM.
luce is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd April 2010, 02:19 PM   #27
Wiggle
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Luce,

Have just whizzed through the bulk of your original thread. I take my hat off to you - that's one of the amazing things I'm finding with this forum, I think I've got it bad? Compared to what people like you have been through and are going through and still come out the other side amazing people, I've got it easy.

I haven't been anxious this badly for a couple of weeks, so wondering if it's the idea of seeing him tomorrow. I suspect it's more to do with trying to decide where I'm going to live and am finding that really hard - it makes the whole thing more real....

I've joined a couple of social clubs, but annoyingly they tend to have events either too far away or not the sort of thing I like doing. Iprefer activities to pub nights. I have been going to salsa on and off, and that has been good fun.

I've not spoken to him yet about 'having fun'. Not sure what his reaction would be. I was thinking bowling, walks, climbing walls, that sort of thing? I'm open to sugestions! I don't want to invite him to any of my social club events or salsa - that's 'me' time. Worried it's going to be really awkward. Not sure it's all going to be worth it. He has acted like and a*se and it's difficult to know when the depression ends and his conscious self begins...

Eeech, I'm starting to annoy myself banging on about it all the time!
  Reply With Quote
Old 22nd April 2010, 02:48 PM   #28
georgie
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 424
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi,
Yes I've been having some episodes in the last few days.. getting teary. My mind has such a bizarre way of working.. I concluded this week that I am feeling humiliated... so now the word humiliated makes me cry! I am at work talking on the phone to various businesses around Australia and I have tears running down my voice and a crackily voice, but the person on the phone doesnt know me so they think its my normal voice.. this happens at random times for no other reason then the word humiliation has popped in to my head! I am a professional crier now - i can now multi task while crying hysterically. I sent an email to this friend of mine and he sent me back a list of reasons why i should not feel humiliated, to do with good attributes etc. but i read that and thought thats whats so humliating .. i'm still not good enough no matter what i do! What a pity party in side my head. It's amazing how I can carry this all off, pass it off as hayfever etc. the people at work dont know any of the details of my life.. Anyhow, I feel I may be snapping out of it now. I used to be a car crier, when my sister and my friend died I would function normally at all times but during the hour drive to work and the hour drive home I would cry from the momment the engine started until i turned it off at my destination.
This is cheery isnt it.. I'm snapping out of it, thank your lucky stars I didnt decide to post during the worst of it!
So... yes you have so many stresses on your plate, not knowing where you are going to live is bloody stressful, I have that coming up next.. plus I have the kids anxiety about it too - they are worried about being away from their friends and schools, and I'm worried that i cant afford to buy close enough to them.. so I am managing my anxiety whist dreading their disapointment/disaproval of where we end up.
Moving house under normal circumstances is a nightmare Wiggle - so give your self a break for feeling anxious, we are only human. xxx
It's high anxiety in anticipation of seeing him and not knowing how he will be towards you, and if you are like me not knowing which emotional triggers will be hit without warning and therefore how you will be with him.
This is all tough stuff.. bang on and on and on about it.. it's really the only pressure release there is.
You will get through it.. just focus on one thing at a time, if you think about seeing him, where your going to live and all the rest at the same time its too overwhelming, break it down.
Just focus on the meeting... everything else can wait its turn.
Hope it goes well for you x
georgie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd April 2010, 04:45 PM   #29
luce
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 305
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

What a wonderfully normal response to recent events Georgie. You are so very human, amazing, smart and funny. Right now i think you must be the cutest gal on earth.

Wiggle, how about a comedy club? It will be something shared but someone else will be making the entertainment so not too much pressure on you. Very wise not inviting him into your 'me' time i reckon hon. xx
luce is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd April 2010, 05:09 PM   #30
Wiggle
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Tried to post this earlier, but got timed out!

Quote:
i'm still not good enough no matter what i do!
Georgie, going into work feeling the way you do is more than good enough. Dealing with all of this and worrying about children at the same time is more than good enough. Coming on this forum and posting support for others is more than good enough. YOU are way more than good enough! (please feel free to print and put on your mirror!)

I'm planning on asking him how he feels about me moving out completely (currently in a rented room, but all my stuff is in his spare room) I don't know how best to phrase it so it doesn't sound like I'm begging to come back nor like it's a definite I'm moving out. I'm not sure I'll like the answer. Well, actually what he'll say is he 'doesn't know, not sure' (is that the cowards way out?) so I'd better get used to the idea of moving, I suppose. I'm trying to convince myself nothing is irreversible.

Quote:
if you think about seeing him, where your going to live and all the rest at the same time its too overwhelming, break it down.
Yes, it's mornings when my head is like that when I don't want to get up...

Luce, I think a comedy club is a good idea. There's one on the 5th May I'll propose. The drawback is they're later in the evening, which means him driving half an hour home from work to drive back to the same town again later and being in the mental state he is he's reluctant to do that (sigh), but I can try.

'Me' time - he's not cramping my style! I may be keeping the door ajar for him, but I need to make sure I'm not depriving myself of opportunities in case 'not sure' turns into 'No'.

Thank you for replying to my wails! xxx
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 11:56 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer