masturbation, porn and marriage

I'm sorry Valerie, I just don't know, for me it hasn't gotten any better and it has been 7 months since I first discovered it and I am still no nearer to trusting him. he also has tried to change things, but I find myself looking for the small details that will prove once again he's lying to me.

I know what you mean about feeling depressed too, I have been on anti depressants for some months now and am still not feeling any better . I'm not sure the hurt will ever go away, sometimes I try to tell myself it's not really a big deal, but the trouble is, to me it IS.

It's good that you are still talking about it, in my case it is now a taboo subject and this doesn't help, he feels he has apologised enough and I should now forgive him and move on, I feel the subject was never fully resolved or even discussed and so have no feeling of closure.

It is both tiring and stressful to live this way, always looking for the next deciet and I should imagine that for both of us eventually things will end, one way or another, I long for the security in my relationship that I felt for the first two years, but am sadly coming to the conclusion that this may not be possible, I feel on edge , permanently, waiting for the next thing to present itself.

I hope you have better luck than me in dealing with what has happened. I wish you all the best and if I can be of any help in the future ( even if it's just to let off some steam ) you will find me here most days.

Take care
Helen

Sigh.. hi guys, I know it has been a long time since my last post. Things were going pretty well. I was learning to trust again.

Until...

We went away and my husband downloaded some porn on our laptop. I came across it by accident while looking at the pictures of the trip that we had taken from the previous day. I confronted him. He said he downloaded it while I was in the shower.. as he always had done before. I was angry that he had went back to doing it again. I was also upset that he did it while we were on vacation. I felt I didn't need the extra bull**** while I was supposed to be relaxing.
Later on he told me he hadn't even watched the short flick as he only had time to download it. Yeah like that matters! He would have watched it if the speeds were faster where we were staying, so what is the difference?
So tomorrow he F I N A L L Y goes to see a therapist (he wanted to) and I want him to as well,.. I'll see what happens after and let you guys know.

In answer to the question that I want to ask "Does it get better?" I think that it does for a while, then they come back to it. It's a habit, like smoking that they can't seem to quit.
I'm ****ing (excuse my language) tired of this. Today I am just depressed about it. I even told him a few days ago about how I was attracted to one of our male friends, who I see as interesting, intelligent, and who listens to me and cares about what I think. -Not that my husband doesn't but I think I am transferring some feelings from my husband to our friend. I really am not attracted to him physically at ALL in fact, I'm quite repulsed by him but I even have found myself feeling a pang of attraction while we talk, anyways. What's the deal with that? Again, I'm guessing it's transferrance, and I'm not planning on acting on it.
I love my husband, but my feelings for him are on the rocks so to speak. I am going to go into therapy when he gets into his more, and get help too. I feel like my heart is kind of empty over all these lies and coverups.

I even asked him to always stay with me while I shower.. and he does. He either showers with me or reads in the bathroom. Now that is pathetic and disgustingly wrong. I know that but I really am at my last straw guys. We're together all the time as we work together from our offices in our home. I started to read the Keylogger reports again..(I stopped for some time when I felt like I trusted him more.) Nothing to report, but then I always think he's too smart for Keylogger.

I also told him I sometimes have to think of others or really kinky things to get off while we make love. He wasn't happy to hear that. Oh ****ing well. I don't think of our friends or anyone we know, but I think of past lovers and of faceless people. I am almost at a point where I feel like I don't care anymore but I know deep down I do or I wouldn't be here! LOL

Anyways, enough rambling. Thanks for listening once again. Stay strong, ladies.

I wish my guy was into porn. At least to me, its less harmless than chatting up innocent girls on internet chat and text & phone. THese girls think that they are honestly going to meet my BF. They dont know he has a partner and they are looking for love.

I understand it must be hurtful to have your hubby think of others during sex. But imagine your hubby was whacking off to some other girl on the phone or the internet! Hmmmm. Men are bastards no matter what way you look at it.

Originally Posted by kappa

I wish my guy was into porn. At least to me, its less harmless than chatting up innocent girls on internet chat and text & phone. THese girls think that they are honestly going to meet my BF. They dont know he has a partner and they are looking for love.

I understand it must be hurtful to have your hubby think of others during sex. But imagine your hubby was whacking off to some other girl on the phone or the internet! Hmmmm. Men are bastards no matter what way you look at it.

Porn can be harmful.
I'm really not concerned about what he thinks about during sex. He has always said he thinks only of me. When he masturbates, that's another story, but again, I think of other past relationships and him as well. We all do it!!
You read my post wrong, hun. I am the one who thinks about others and other things during sex right now ,because I am hurt and it has come to the point where I can not orgasm as easily as before the pain of knowing he used to watch it every morning, about five times a week.. maybe more. This past week he had slipped back into watching porn that one day during our vacation.

I don't want him watching porn at all. That's my issue. I don't think that it's necessary, when our sex life is constant, good.
I wrote in the earlier posts and things had changed.. he hadn't watched for months, but fell back into it again that one time and it's painful to me as he hid it and that to me is a lie. That's more of the issue for me.
As well, we think that his former abuse has a part in this.. we'll find out soon as today is his first therapy appointment.

I feel for you too, because your guy is doing I consider cheating. I don't know that I could be with my guy if he had done that.
That must be very difficult for you. Have you gotten therapy for any of this? Has he? Something I'd reccommend. We can't go it alone. It just gets worse and our feelings start to freeze for that person. Don't end up like me, being attracted to a friend who you don't want to be attracted to! (I am still very much attracted to my husband.)
You deserve a man who is there, completely for you. Getting his full attention isn't too much to ask, and all men aren't alike or bastards, sweetie. Really, they don't mean to be hurtful at times. I know that mine doesn't. I don't know enough about your situation to help, but I do know that it can be a habit that is hard to break, one that some of them never given thought to until we meet them. Now, my guy doesn't want to use it but falls back there once in a while.. I hate it. Absolutely hate that it happens.

Bellabrave:

I think that many men in a long term relationship or marriage will tire of their partners after prolonged exposure to porn.

I believe this as well. It has not happened with us, but it is my fear. AND.. we still have sex once a day, sometimes more, but in his eyes we have sex 4-5 times a week! He doesn't even realise how good he has it. It's just that he prefers twice a day, while we've or I have cut back to once a day, because of all the stress I have gone through due to the porn.
He does still listen to me and understands where I am coming from. Last night we were up til 3am talking and he tells me he has a hard time letting anyone into his thoughts.. also part of the problem as he is hiding thoughts and feelings that he feels he will be chastized about.. see, I think that the porn habit can sometimes be a symptom of something else.
Does your hubby talk to you about this reasonably or are there more arguements? I hope you both can get therapy as well.
I will wait until his therapist says it's a good time for me to get some as well, and get him to recommmend someone for me too.

You should be ashamed of yourself, praying on innocent people with marital issues, you sicko.

ADMIN> Please remove that last post. NOBODY should ever hire these people. You should never ever give your private passwords or access to anyone to your computer.

Trust me. Please get rid of that SPAM. I HATE SPAMMERS.

My H is not computer literate so doesn't access porn that way, but he does have magazines hidden in a cupboard, and from the time he spends in the bathroom in the morning, it's not hard ('cuse pun) to imagine why. Frankly I don't care at all. Men's minds work just entirely different. Emotion is hard work for them so it's much easier just to get the physical release of a orgasm without all the emotional commitment and energy of 'proper' sex, and get on with their day. Especially if they find it hard to maitain an erection as so many do. But I can understand the pain of those who feel porn replaces them in their H's desires. Dump the ***** computer, I say.

Hi Poppy.

That's great that you don't care. Good for you. Not everyone is built the same though. We all have one marital issue, and you're no different!
And, you're not exactly right with saying how their minds work. Remember that they're not all the same. My hubby would rather have sex with me whenever he feels like it, and when he looks at me and is getting horny through the day, he wants me- but.. we already have sex once to twice a day and it's enough for me.
I work fulltime and don't have time for or want any more than that. So... I do feel that he just wants the release, but feel degraded that he'd turn to other women and a fetish site to get himself off. If the imagination isn't enough, then to me, it can be an issue. (Not for everyone.)
If he continued with the porn daily, our sex life would diminish, as he'd use that over sex, eventually. This is what tends to happen.

As well, he has no troubles maintaing erections. Not all men have trouble with erections!!
We can't dump our computers as we both use them for work. If we had no computers we'd have no jobs! . That is unrealistic and just a way of hiding what might be an issue... they'd just look for it elsewhere anyways!!

Hi BellaBrave!
Yes, my hubby says sometimes he just wants to get off quickly, so we've discussed him letting me know when he is horny and we'll see what can be done about it.. geeze I have never known such a horny man.
It's not unrealistic if it's causing an issue in their relationships. It's not unrealistic if they're so involved in it that their thoughts become unrealistic, and they become obsessed with having to masturbate daily because they're so addicted to the habit of it.

I don't care what other people think. They don't know us, and our full stories - the true us.

Well, I have no issues with porn as a whole. I have never been under the impression as most are, that it improves sex life. I have yet to hear anyone tell me that the troubles in their marriage were saved by porn. Possibly they got off while using it when couldn't have sex with their spouses.. that would be helpful. I can see that! :P I have no issues with others using porn.. just my hubby. Oddly.. yes.
But, that psychologist is right. Intimacy will become affected and be lacking while porn is in the picture. Sure.. they'll both still their rocks off but the closeness isn't there while you're doing it in front of a screen!! LOL

Yeah! That's right.

I think the issue goes deeper than " looking at porn " I have very strong and ( IMO ) valid views for objecting to porn, I made that clear when I met my present partner and he knew the reasons for it. Yet he still chose to visit live porn sites, pay for women to perform and as recently as 3 weeks ago, get porn " bluetoothed" to his mobile whilst at work. he lied to me about it, in my opinion he cheated. he can't understand , despite my explanations, why he should stop.Yet, he objected strongly to me chatting to male friends on messenger, depite the fact most are part of couples with whom I chat not only to them but to their wives too,I stopped immediately so as not to make him feel uncomfortable.

So, porn, lies and secrets, NOT a good foundation for a relationship hmm ?

We can no longer talk about it, we can only argue round and round in circles, our sex life has suffered as a consequence ( on his part, his reluctance ) as he says he can only make love if he feels loved !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Didin't seem to bother him when he was getting his rocks off with strange women in private rooms.

So sorry, but yes, I DO object to porn, it HAS had an impact on our relationship, and I WON'T change my mind !To me it is cheating, pure and simple, if he can hide this, what else is he hiding ?

Helen

To me it is cheating, pure and simple,

But by your own admission it's not "pure and simple".

For some porn works becuase it's a part of their sexual liives together. The element of fantasy works becuase of mutual exploration and willingness. Or in some other cases, the porn exists in the relationship and remains in realm of fantasy. For others, porn becomes something that is used to compare reality to and therefore becomes a detriment to the relationship. It takes over some people's lives and acts as either replacement for real-life or a barometer for their sex lives. Which is of course, unhealthy.

So, helen, porn the "use" of porn is not as pure and simple. The other aspects you mention, ie porn is cheating - is valid in your case only becuase he has added other deceitful acts in the fray - eg lying.

Not at all London,
him using porn against my express wishes IS pure and simple and whether he did it openly , or deceitfully , for me would make no difference . Everyone has boundaries, the use of porn in a relationship with me is the only boundary I have . It has as much to do with respect as anything , I have not laid down an unreasonable request , I have asked him not to do something which apalls me, I have explained the reasons for it. he knew this from the start and I mean from the very start , before we even met in person ( we met online first ) It is something I have always been honest and open about and always ensured any man considering a relationship with me knew this AND why.

In which case, why bother to start seeing me ? If it was so damned difficult to give up, why did he not find a woman with whom he could have a relationship and continue using porn ? I know lots of women who have no objection at all to it.

Yes, lying about it is not a good thing, BUT it is the use of porn in the first place that I have strong objections to.

Helen

helen - i was commenting on the use of the term "pure and simple" as a generic statement - not as a specific instance just for you. As i mentioned before, the use of porn is not pure and simple - it has much underlying baggage etc....

In your case, yes, it is cut and dry - he is doing something which *you* do not approve of.

But without re-reading old posts, tell me, did you know of his porn use before the two of you starting dating or relatively early on in the relationship? I ask, becuase I am ultimately asking if you tacitly agreed to his porn by knowing about it and still seeing him. Is it then a part of the "package" in having him as a partner (eg you accept it if you accept him)?

Also, now that you know he is "married" to his porn, what are you going to do as far as the relationship goes? Is it "pure and simple" as well - as in, have porn or have me, but not both. Will you leave now as a result of his continued use of porn?

London

In answer to your first question, no I had absolutely no idea until after he moved in with me some 2 years after we met in person that he used porn I discovered it by pure accident after it popped up in the history of my pc, I installed a net nanny programme as I was convinced my 13 (at the time ) yr old son had been downloading porn and was horrified to find in fact it was Steve.

The situation as it is now is complex . The house we share is a joint tenancy, it is close to my 15 yr old autistic son's school, in effect I can't leave and uproot him again, having done so already once when I left my ex .I can't get a tenancy in this area alone as I am classed as 80 % disabled and therefore unfit for work. He refuses to leave as he doesn't want us to split. Each time I discover more deceit he insists it is planted there for me to find to prove I am checking up on him( if you recall I found the number of a local escort agency on his mobile, listed under the home adress of a business colleague when I was actually trying to contact the colleague ! )

There is no trust in the relationship, no intimacy and now that he has returned to work I am under no illusions that he is back " with the lads " and will continue to use his mobile to download porn, the last time despite all my good intentions, I gave in and looked at the downloads there were approx 40 pics and vids of explicit sex on his mobile, I confronted him and his reply was that he knew I couldn't stop checking and that proved it.... oh and he only put it there the previous night so therefore I must be checking every day ( it had been weeks since I'd looked )

He doesn't actually have me at the moment, we are not married and share no intimacy so I don't know what the outcome will be. My son has 2 years left at his school and then I will be far more able to move on...... if the situation isn't resolved by then, then I shall.


Helen

Caroli (the original poster)
Hope you have found some help here in amongst these messages. Remember to take what you like and leave the rest.
I didn't read through all of them, so maybe someone has already posted something similar to what I'm going to share...
As a woman, I enjoy porn as well and I certainly enjoy masturbating...it is normal, fun, and a great release of stress and tension for me.
My husband knows that I masturbate, and sometimes we do it together, during sex, or instead of intercourse - whatever we feel like at the time. I cannot reach orgasm from intercourse so maturbation is a MUST for me ;-)
Sometimes we also watch porn together, it's just a way to add spice to the dish...However, I will say that the difference between me & you is that my husband and I are open and honest about all this...If I'm not comfortable with something I tell him and he respects that, and the other way around. He knows I'm not comfortable with him going to strip clubs (although we played around with the thought of going together - never happened though)...so he doesn't go as he knows I would be upset.
I fantasize A LOT, during masturbation AND during sex with my husband and he does too. and for me that is OK.
You need to figure out what is o.k. for you but if I can offer one suggestion to you, if you've never tried masturbating, TRY IT!!! I promise you, once you get the hang of it, you'll love it, and it can be a wonderful way to express yourself sexually with your husband. Also, getting to know your own body is great, helps you figure out what you like and dislike.
A friend once confided to me that her boyfriend wanted to give her oral sex but she was afraid to try it. I urged her to let him take over and to just enjoy it....she HAPPILY