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Old 13th June 2011, 05:59 PM   #211
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

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Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
Maybe he would put forth more effort to meet your needs/expectations if you don't make it too easy for him? Sounds like it all revovlves around his desires, not yours.

Don't give up. Maybe this can still be salvaged.
Hi 1aokgal

That's what Forever seems to come across. It seems her h is constantly being worshiped and is the centre of her attention to please him..I don't buy a lot of things he says to her either. He ought to stop making up derisive excuses forever and learn to take some responsibility for his own Wife. I agree, if he continues to make effort, marriage probably can be saved. xx
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Old 13th June 2011, 07:18 PM   #212
Forever
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

What I am hearing is that as long as I indulge him in any sexual activity at all, then things will remain the same? He is still endulging himself in fantacy and just using my mouth as a different "hole" to relieve himself?

About six months ago he wanted to get one of those fancy phones that have internet on them. I told him that we had already discussed why he is not the kind of man who should avail himself of one (because of his porn history). He got mad but agreed not to get one.

Last week his regular cell phone went through the washing machine and he threw it away. He replaced it with the very phone he agreed not to get, along with a private email account which comes on the phone. He has broken every single one of his promises, things which could have helped him to finish this war with his flesh. He NEVER confesses to anything or apologises when he knows he has failed in this area....I simply catch him and let him know that I know.

I am looking straight into the barrel of a divorce here if I do not do something to relieve him sexually...even if I am not interested in anything for myself. My first inclination is to just go ahead and file so I do not have to go through the drama of refusing him and his threats....or watching him turn more and more to seeking out women and blaming me for not "servicing" him.

He has the option to go another route. That is, to examine himself and repent from the heart. What should I do?

Last edited by Forever; 13th June 2011 at 07:54 PM.
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Old 13th June 2011, 07:54 PM   #213
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Forever..

I hate to think of your being harrassed, or feel threatnened by that situation and forced into a corner with a man who is riding roughshod over his wife. The phone got conviently washed! Seems to me this man is hell bent on making connections so for that reason you are his oral sex source? That is one sad state of affairs.

Dear Lady, you impress us all here as lovely, kind and caring. This marriage is riding over your soul. So if you gain a roof over head in exchange, it is likely only for a time. It sounds to me as if the whole thing is unravelling. He seems no willing party to improve your relationship so it is a marginal at best viable marriage!

I don't know where you are on the survival spectrum (without rereading all your posts). I don't know whether you are able to self sustain as a separated woman, so financial survival has everything to do with how a post 50 woman makes decisions for the future. There are a few in marriages that suck who will urge you to jump out there because they have a paycheck coming into the house. It is easy to give advice because YOU are the one in that situation.

They may never have worked a job that barely made ends meet or struggled to survive so one can urge you to do that. I know all that business because I experienced it years back. If a woman has a good job and family who can be there when need arises, then a woman can throw a bad marriage to the ashcan.

If I were the judge here I would say you do not have the love, respect or kindness that you have a right to expect as a human being. For that, I am deeply sorry to say it and sorry that you have such pain. You must confront your H in whatever diplomatic mode you can and ask him point blank if he is there with you on the long term..because you are going it alone, except when he needs outlet. You are at a point in life where you assess if there is a tomorrow that is better? It better start now..and with you..to make a decision to lose this man....or shape it and live with it. Frankly, it sounds more like first part. Is there a way you can go away for a week ..visit friend or relative and leave him with some thoughts?

I would go that route or you make an appointment for you both for counselling ansd see if he shows. If not, you got your answer. I think he is not there for the long term. Actions speak louder than words and his actions says he does not care WHAT you do. You deserve better. You are not too old to begin IF you can support such a decision but it is a tough world out there. The new poor are divorced women with or without children. So unless you have a trade, think carefully. If you stay ..it seems he is outbound anyway to me.

God bless you.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 13th June 2011 at 08:40 PM.
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Old 13th June 2011, 08:35 PM   #214
Forever
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Washing the phone was an accident...I was actually the one doing the laundry.

I have my own business and can support myself. I was planning the next time he approached me for his "oral relief" to simply tell him that I am unable to do that for him any more. Of course this will open a whole debate about what my "Christian duties" are, and I will have to explain to him that I have had enough shame and humiliation being used...that as long as he continues to indulge himself with his "excitations" (his words) of other women I cant see what I, as his wife, should have to do with him. He does not seem to have solid moral convictions....he knows that I know this and it seems that it is the power he enjoys over me. My love for him makes me vulnerable for pain of this nature....sometimes I think he actually enjoys that.

I want him to just go and enjoy his affair with the world....I do not want any part of that.

Last edited by Forever; 13th June 2011 at 08:43 PM.
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Old 13th June 2011, 09:05 PM   #215
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Forever...

Regardless, with the phone he was quick to replace one with internet which you had discussed in past.

I don't get it at all that you allow the use of yourself as his disposal. I understand lovemaking and oral sex, where both enjoy this, but not in the mode going there. I bet my bottom dollar his past marriage did not include that on the menu. He does ZIP for you.

When he approaches for the oral fix..say not only "NO"..say "HELL NO." It is time to close down the factory, the worker is being mistreated.

Respectfully posted here for you is my hope you will look at this relationship microscopically. Life is too short to get such few returns.
I assure you that there is better for you than this. If he does not clean up his act, please weigh your alternatives as treatment w/counselling for both, or just you, or a separation for a time.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 14th June 2011 at 04:34 PM.
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Old 13th June 2011, 09:16 PM   #216
Forever
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I offered oral sex for his release as a replacement for me not having to expose my body (which is not attractive enough) during regular types of sex. I do not want to have sex with him anymore, so I offered that much so he might start thinking about our issues deeper, while at the same time, he could not use his "not having any release" as an excuse to find it elsewhere.

His past marriage consisted of everything sexually under the sun, including anal sex which she loathed. She felt she had to comply because he is intelligent and would spin it that way, I would not. Even there, he cheated on her and even eventually approached their teen daughter for sex...that was the end of their marriage. He has deep moral issues.

But I guess I am at the place that I dont care anymore if he goes elsewhere....so I am going to cut him off sex entirely and let the cards fall where they may.

Last edited by Forever; 13th June 2011 at 09:21 PM.
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Old 13th June 2011, 10:33 PM   #217
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Baroness,

Forget the herbs, go for the heavy duty Viagara if his Dr. prescribes this in this situation. The problem is not the ED, it is the failure of the relationship he does not experience how his problem effects the relationship. You seem to have good things but he has pulled inward as men will sometimes do rather than address a fixable problem. if it is physical, it can usually be repaired or fixed. If the problem is emotional, as many of these men are damaged, than forget the miracle repairs.

This is all a complex problem and whether the relationship can be mended depends on clear speaking about your emotional feelings for your H. If you care for him maybe he will seek help. We have all been through these sad moments.
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Old 14th June 2011, 01:13 AM   #218
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Forever...

You are wrong. Throwing this man a bone for his deviant sexual nature defies logic to what is in this marriage for you. Financially, emotionally and in every way, think what you gain from this marriage.

If you knew he had sex with his X-wife and that she hated parts and he pushed anyway, then I can't see what you found in him to sign on there for the long term. If he told you these things.... that she had this sex... maybe that was a way to make you feel deficient unless you went along with the program..his sexual agenda. Yes, it sounds as if he has some serious moral issues. I would especially wonder about his taste for young girls.

You are worth so much more than what is being returned to you. You don't even feel worthwhile and that is what he has placed there. I think you should find a co-dependent group in your area if there is one and go where you can talk about these issues. In your place, I wouldn't give him the time of day.

Take a few days and go on holiday and treat yourself to a facial and a mini-shopping trip. Have a lunch away with a friend. You need a breath of fresh air. You need hope to believe there is better for you. Being alone is better than being forced to perform for your dinner.

Sorry, if I am really outspoken but I feel you are in a bad place.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 14th June 2011 at 01:40 AM.
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Old 14th June 2011, 02:33 AM   #219
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Red face Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I agree with chosen and I for one find much comfort talking with people who believe in God as I do. I don't know how I would make it without God. Well, not much has changed since the last time I wrote except that he seems to be more attentive. I spent the night with a girlfriend of mine saturday night. She lives near me and I will do this once in awhile because we've been friends for over thirty years.

I'm refering to an earlier thread of telling your friends about you life and them not understanding or making it worse. I discovered a little while ago that I can't tell her about how I feel about this situation because she is single and hasn't had sex in 20 years and is very judgemental of him and me. She doesn't know gabby and he doesn't care for her negative attitude so I remain friends with her but she isn't a christian so doesn't see that aspect of things.

She is also domineering and so her advice is to shove things at him, to just tell him the way its going to be and force him to listen and that isn't the way to handle this situation or any other, for that matter. When I came home sunday morning there was a red vase of a dozen red roses on the kitchen table with a little note that said 'I appreciate you for being so understanding. And I do love you.'

I was thrilled and very shocked and thought he was referring to me understanding about our lack of sex but when I asked him about it he wouldn't admit anything, just said he missed me and changed the subject. While I was gone he stopped in at the bar where we know the owner and had a few beers. He does this once in awhile.

We've spent a lot of time together lately including last night but he hasn't slept with me, nothing has changed there but i'm starting to think less of that and more of the beautiful roses and how he doesn't object when I go spend time with my friend. I don't do it a lot but every once in awhile its good to get out.

I went to the doctor today and found out I have osteroarthritus which is arthritus in the spine area and there is no cure. I also found out that i've been doing everything right concerning it with the over the counter pills I take. This morning I was in a lot of pain because I had a pinched nerve and realized that sometimes i'm not in any shape to have sex because of my back.

I've been complaining about it and the truth is our sex is kind of intense and physical and I don't think I could do it all the time, but some of the time would be nice. I've had the opportunity to discuss sex with him but we were having a good time together and didn't want to bring him down. Anyway, be bought me the roses and thanked me for being understanding and that kind of says it all.

Our relationship is not perfect but we still love each other and I do get frustrated once in awhile but i'm trying to focus not so much on the sex part. Thinking of him mb in there still upsets me but since i'm not sure when its happening I try to push it aside. I'm sure he has ed but also he could be withdrawing a little because he's not sure if sex would hurt my back. Whatever the reason, I thought it was nice of him to get the roses.

When we first got together I had to take care of him because he came down with a serious back condition and was flat on his back and I had to do everything for him for months. He had a herniated disc and was in a lot of pain and so I was very patient with him. Now my back problem isn't as serious but its his turn to be understanding. I thought it could just be fixed but there is no fixing with arthritus.

At least now I know what it is and he was right there by my side in the doctor's office. I feel better now but kind of sad that this won't go away. However; I do not rule out God's intervention, but at least now I know. I was there for him when we hadn't been together that long and now he's here for me and isn't that really what counts?

I'm not saying I will just forget about not having a physical relationship with him but I have let go of my anger and resentment and who is to say that we won't still have one? I think its very special when you can find someone to really trust without having to know every single thing about them. We have this space, we give it gladly because I don't need him to answer to me for everything.

I will bring up what's happening but its already happening so what would I have to gain by having him say the words? I have no need to hear him admit he's not the man he used to be. I think its more important for me to love him and support him and make him feel like even though he's getting older I will still love him and he can trust me with anything he wants to talk about.

I couldn't have a man who constantly told me what to do or wanted to control me or was jealous all the time, and quite frankly, I couldn't be with a younger man who wanted to have intense sex all the time either. I just ask for it every once in awhile, after all i'm getting older too but sex was the one thing we always did very well together, well, most of the time. I feel like he needs my understanding now, that he's looking to me to see if the fact that he can't perform like he used to doesn't make my love for him any less.

Yes, he could make more of an effort. Perhaps counseling would have helped but I have no great need to hear him say the words and to admit something that i'm sure is very hard for him. I've decided to accept him the way he is and for now also the way our relationship is. I will know the right time to bring this up if I feel I need to.

I guess i'm just trying to say that I think I can deal with this. I have to deal with my own issues regarding this arthritus and i'm trying not to dwell on the sex thing so much. Isn't it more important that two people love each other and work well together and can trust one another? I'm not making excuses, i'm just saying that God brought us together and i'm not so vain as to think I could choose someone better than God did.

At least he doesn't cheat on me or look at other women. I think he knows that would never fly with me. It's all about being respectful of one another. You can have sex with anyone, even great sex, but can you truly trust that person and build a good life together?
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Old 14th June 2011, 08:55 AM   #220
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

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Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
Baroness,

Forget the herbs, go for the heavy duty Viagara if his Dr. prescribes this in this situation. The problem is not the ED, it is the failure of the relationship he does not experience how his problem effects the relationship. You seem to have good things but he has pulled inward as men will sometimes do rather than address a fixable problem. if it is physical, it can usually be repaired or fixed. If the problem is emotional, as many of these men are damaged, than forget the miracle repairs.

This is all a complex problem and whether the relationship can be mended depends on clear speaking about your emotional feelings for your H. If you care for him maybe he will seek help. We have all been through these sad moments.
herbs dont have side effects, are beneficial for the rest of the body as well, and do work for some people.Surely better than a strong drug, at least to try first?
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Old 14th June 2011, 09:02 AM   #221
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Baroness, That all sounds as if you are thinking this through and apart from this problem, you do seem to have a good man there.That is precious.
I also agree that asking for help from other believers is precious and important sometimes, whether that be here or elsewhere. After all God cares about every part of our lives and is with us in all of it all the time. In the end, He is the one who helps us through.
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Old 14th June 2011, 11:28 AM   #222
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

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Even there, he cheated on her and even eventually approached their teen daughter for sex...that was the end of their marriage. He has deep moral issues.
That's not just "liking young girls" but that's also an incest? That makes you wonder if he's the type of man who'd feed on immoral, illegal, forbidden sexual fantasies?
xx
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Old 14th June 2011, 11:36 AM   #223
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

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Originally Posted by Forever View Post
He does not seem to have solid moral convictions....he knows that I know this and it seems that it is the power he enjoys over me. My love for him makes me vulnerable for pain of this nature....sometimes I think he actually enjoys that.
Following your posts, I tend to think that he can well be described as some sort of psychological sadist. It sounds like he enjoys forced act of s**imposed on women who are unwilling. If he's into s**with vulnerable women, no wonder you're not getting much joy out of this man. You are an independent woman. Why lower yourself?

xx
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Old 14th June 2011, 11:44 AM   #224
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

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Originally Posted by Baroness View Post

Yes, he could make more of an effort. Perhaps counseling would have helped but I have no great need to hear him say the words and to admit something that i'm sure is very hard for him. I've decided to accept him the way he is and for now also the way our relationship is. I will know the right time to bring this up if I feel I need to.

It's all about being respectful of one another. You can have sex with anyone, even great sex, but can you truly trust that person and build a good life together?
Hi Baroness

If you already know the answer you were looking for, I personally don't think counseling would be the best idea (at least for now) I'm sure he tried to communicate his issues by thanking you for being understanding. That seems to be his romantic way of explaining and showing appreciation. Again, sexual peak disparity between men and women can cause this type of upset.

xxx
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Old 14th June 2011, 01:17 PM   #225
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

You have a good marriage Baroness and that is precious.

The glass is half full not half empty. Personally I do not think the sexual problem is insurmountable. Taking the pressure out and putting God first like you are doing is wise. I think as you pray about this you will see answers that you didn't even think about.
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