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Old 1st August 2011, 06:31 PM   #706
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

YOU are so right. No marriage is perfect, and there will always be things that need dealing with and sorting out. Thats what 'in sickness and helath and for better and for worse' are all about.
As you say we are our husband help meets and when we marry we become one and its alwas been clear to me here that you two do have a lot of love for each other.
He has a poblem and needs your support and love and you know that. You are a good team, and you will work this out. Its brilliant to see that God is working. I mean what about the programme that was on? Perfect for you both to see that, and what great timing!

Keep up the good work.Things can change and will change, just keep trusting God.
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Old 2nd August 2011, 04:09 AM   #707
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I just read over some of my journal. It's what I call my diary and I went back to last October because I thought that was the last time we made love. I was right, we made love 3 times during the night and it was great and from there until Feb. 2011 I am constantly talking about this and how I'm so upset and I got tired of reading it. In Feb. we went to bed again but not as successful as the time in last October.

This time I tried and tried and he couldn't maintain an erection and then he was rather rough with me with the foreplay, so rough I couldn't enjoy it and then I tried again and finally just told him he just wasn't getting there and he said angrily yes he was, but it was clear he was not. I went out on the sofa for a few minutes because I was upset.

I'd been at this for awhile and there is no way it should have taken so long and then I decided to go back to bed and he went out on the sofa so I followed him and he asked me to just leave him alone and that was the last encounter that was even close to making love. I'm usually patient and don't get exasperated like that but I was tired of trying.

So now I have to hesitate before opening the bedroom door to walk out there for fear I'm going to interrupt something and then get upset and from reading my diary I found out this was happening last year and there was also a time where I was upset because I was in the kitchen and he was watching some stripper in a movie.

I said in my diary what I was saying days ago but at least then I don't think she was naked, just with almost no clothes on. He was watching a movie and the scene changed and this happened. So this was not a one time incident. So far for the past few days he hasn't been watching anything like that but it upsets me that this happened before.

Apparently I didn't say anything to him but just threw my hands up in the air and walked out of the room and he said nothing. I see a pattern here I don't like and I can't believe I've been upset so long about this. Those are the writings of a very unhappy woman and the writing is similar since I first met him. He's always been putting me through something or another and I am miserable.

Of course there are some entries that are good and I'm happy about something he did but it seems like there is more unhappiness. What have I done to myself, to cause myself so much pain just because I loved this man? And what good has it done? I suppose he used to be worse but at least tried, now there is nothing.

And how long has he been doing this? About two years ago I accused him of m and he was so insulted and denied it vehemently. I got so depressed reading over my diary I had to stop. There are years of this and yet I keep on going. How can I now hope that it will get better?

I do see that his attitude seems to be better a lot of the time now, because he used to be worse, all inside himself and I couldn't talk to him at all and he was still going to the bar then. How could a man do this to a woman and sleep at night?

And yet sometimes in the morning he smiles at me and says good morning like we were just fine and nothing was amiss. I think he is in serious denial and that something is wrong with his thinking. He sits and watches so much tv because he says he loves to do that.

How have I let this get so out of control? I should never have put up with this in the beginning and made him tell me why. I would mention it and he would give me excuses and so I believed him, that is was just something temporary, and even when the excuses went on I gave him space and excused his behavior with being tired or whatever.

I realize now I shouldn't have done that. I should have gotten out then and I would have saved myself a lot of heartache, but I loved him so I stayed and just told myself it would get better. How naive can one woman be?

And where is it written that my lot in life is to suffer because of this man? I just can't believe how unhappy I was in all those entries I just read. Why is it okay for a man to act like this and not a woman? He is not doing what he's supposed to, he's not doing what God says in the bible for husbands to do or to act like. I feel like we had a bargain, an agreement, and he broke it a long time ago. I feel as if I've wasted the past nine years of my life, years I will never get back.

Last edited by Baroness; 2nd August 2011 at 04:19 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 2nd August 2011, 05:52 AM   #708
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

baroness
Reading back over this time in your diary clearly isnt helpful for you. A friend of mine did this recently, reading back over her diary from years and years ago and all it did was to make things worse and get her all upset. I suggested to her that she get rid of them. Whats the point? The past is in the past and it will only make you all resentful again.Dont waste time on what HAS happend but put your energies on now and the future,

Paul says to forget what is past and look ahead to what is ahead, and thats what you need to do. Forgive and move on. As you said he has changed a lot, stopped drinking, and things have improved. In most marriages there are things that we could keep dwelling on and briging up form the past, but it never helps. God forgives us, and never brings up our past sins, and yet we do it all the time with others.

I think that for him, watching tv is his relaxation time, just as yours is making your hats, we are all different. Be thankful for what God has already done in his life, and trust God for the rest. No marriage is perfect, and when you have both been married before there will be issues and baggage left over from those times as well. Dont dwell on the past, and trust God for the future. Leave it in His hands. As far as I can see there is no reason for you to speak of leaving him or ending the marriage. He hasnt cheated, he isnt cruel to you, he doesnt look at porn, he doesnt beat you and he is usually kind to you. He clearly loves you. You have no proof that he does masturbate either.

Stop trying to work it all out for yourself, as God said to you, and leave it to Him.
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Old 2nd August 2011, 08:12 AM   #709
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I think there is an expression which helps me to look at the past and the whole picture of my marriage. You can't build a today on the wreckage of yesterday, if you look back and measure today by yesterdays' mistakes. We have to survive and live in the moment we are now.

My husband is a good man who loves me as he is capable to do. He works and provides. He is not a drinker, nor chases women, nor has ever been physically abusive or ignored to talk to me or address things I ever wanted. There is that glaring lack we discuss in the marriage.

There comes a time when I weigh all that and say," You don't throw the baby out with the bath water." One does not discard a loving person who cares for you. You can't throw all the good away for the lack of one component. It is terrible. It is a huge loss, mine and his, as well. So long as there is breath in my body I know I treasure all that he has given me in loyalty. He made my life easier in how he cares for me. Maybe I have some truly bad moments about this issue.

I have to be able to get through some of these. I give him the best I can because he has sacrificed for me. He didn't have his own children with me. He raised my daughter just like his own. He left his homeland behind to be with me, and misses his family there. Those are things he did to be with me.

He could have pulled out easily and has the kind of job to be out of the country and gone. He makes the kind of money he could have thrown back enough to hold me over for a time, and just gone on his way. He never said the "divorce" word through all these years. He always said he would love me to his last breath.

When I was really ill he could have let me down. Instead he came to the hospital often around 4:30AM, before he had to be at work, to check on me, reassure me, and help me since nurses are overworked. Then he left for work with less sleep. You cannot replace a loyal heart who proves what love is all about. I don't blame him for yesterday and keep hoping today
is as good as we can make it.

I can't look at the mistakes that went before and just had to fogive what was there. He is a dear person and it pleases me to do things for him. I know that he is a Godly man because he is always so concerned for my welfare. There are men out there who don't even support their own children. A man who cares for his wife and home is worth a lot.
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Old 2nd August 2011, 09:51 PM   #710
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Chosen, I can tell you were never a 'diary' person. Diaries are important. If you forget something you can trace back and find out. If I didn't have a diary I wouldn't know how long I've been going through this. But I also found entries where I was happy, back in 2008. I also found an entry where he said he really wanted me to have a flat stomach.

I told him at that time that he was supposed to love me as I was (I was not fat) and he said he did but when I would tell him I skipped dinner and was hungry he would say good. He doesn't have a flat stomach and so this might be some of the reason he doesn't want to sleep with me but I'm only about 5 pounds more than I was when he went on and on about how good I looked.

I remember him telling me a long time ago that he didn't sleep with his ex wife because she never lost the weight from being pregnant. I know there must have been other reasons and he said this to me a long time ago, maybe five years ago. I can't believe he expects me to look like a young woman would with a flat stomach and he doesn't have one.

Of course that isn't the only reason and I am trying but I'm not going to make myself unhealthy over it. I walk every day and am in good health except for the arthritus that inconveniences me every once in awhile. I had forgotten all about that. I also read how wonderful he was in bed and how happy I was.

I want to leave my diaries to my daughter who also keeps one. Unfortunately I lost my older diaries but I have them from the 90's and it also came in handy because I found the entries for when my job would make me lift heavy things even though the doctor told them I shouldn't. I have those notes for the attorney.

I think it is good to look back on your life from time to time because when I was miserable with my ex husband I can see that this man has been better to me. However; it doesn't mean I want to continue to live this way with no sex between us. I don't think I should be skinny in order to be loved. I was skinny in my youth and hated it.

I don't want to look back on my life one day and see that I lived without physical contact for twenty years and was bitter about it all that time. Something has been lost between he and I. Where I used to be so happy I am now filled with regret and doubt and frustration. I have continued to pray and read the bible but it is clear there is something missing in this relationship.

I can't tell you why it means so much to me but I have tried to just accept it and I can for a little while and then I get frustrated and angry again. I don't know how to let this go and I can't just accept it. I have asked God for help and I see now that all of these things have been going on for some time. I knew they had but now I know things I had forgotten.

I won't be reading past entries for a long while because it was depressing in the sense that he has made me live like this. I can't trust him to not look at scantily dressed women but he hasn't been doing that since this happened but what does he do when I am not in the room?

And yes, I am sure he is m, I told you I saw him awhile back with my own eyes and he tried to convince me I didn't see what I saw. Yeah, right. Even so, we have been doing okay today I guess. There have been birthdays where he didn't do anything for me and there have been some where he has but its hard for me to make plans for my birthday because he hasn't told me anything and I don't want to sit here on my birthday while he watches reruns.

It isn't wrong for me to want to have a life where I do things with him and not just be at home. I know money is an issue but birthdays only come once a year and I always decorate the place for him when its his birthday and buy him gifts and make a cake. Holidays don't seem to matter much to him where they matter very much to me.

Just another thing we don't have in common and yet you want me to just think about the good things like he doesn't beat me? He hasn't left me? Of course he hasn't left me. I cook for him and clean our place and treat him like nothing is wrong, always ready with a smile and comfort and he doesn't have to do anything. Why would he leave?

Just because I'm a christian doesn't mean I have to be a door mat. I know he is a kind man in most ways and I know he doesn't cheat on me, at least not that I know about. No, I don't think he does. He tells me so and who else would want him if he couldn't even perform? I have treated him like a king the entire time we've been together and he's been selfish in a lot of things.

I think he loves me but is incapable of loving me like he should, like a husband should. How can a self centered person love someone if he isn't willing to go out of his way? I'm not saying he doesn't go out of his way sometimes but to just act like there is no problem is a horrible thing to do to a person.

I know no one is perfect but I'm missing out on the good things in life here. He doesn't even take me out to dinner, not unless I ask him to for my birthday or something. I am generous with him and once in awhile he does something nice for me like the roses or the digital camera he gave me one birthday and the cell phone.

I'd give it all back for just one night with him. I think I need to take a break from this thread because you are just telling me to grin and bear it and to ignore my pain and hurt and let him go on acting like everything is fine and to just trust God. I trust God but I don't think he wants me miserable.

My hands are tied right now anyway, I can't change it and I can't leave so I have to make the best of it. I wish I could change the way I think but God made me this way, to think for myself and to be observant. I'm just so tired of worrying about what he's doing behind my back.
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Old 2nd August 2011, 10:59 PM   #711
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I have used writing a journal at difficult times in my past, because writing can be theraputic, but I wouldnt re read them over again because that is past. I have a date diary where I put day to day things and appointments and birthdays etc so I can use that to look up if I need to find what date something happened. I have found over the last few years that looking back and bringing things from the past up again isnt helpful, so I dont do it.

I am not sure why you would want your daughter to have them. Do you really want her to read all of the stuff that you wrote? All that very personal stuff about the marrige and sex and her dad etc?Would that help her?

No one here has said to grin and bear it and ignore the pain, but digging up all the past isnt helping is it. Do things that help the situation, and not ones that make it all worse. As for God not wanting you miserable, no I am sure that He doesnt, but we arent promised constant happiness are we? Most marriages over the years have good and bad times, happy times and sad times dont they. I am just so concerned that you sometimes think that you are entitled to a different marriage and that you will leave again because of this ED. This is one of the harder times, but you are still married and you still seem to love each other and have a good relationship apart from this ED.

I really dont think it would help you if ALL of us just commiserated with you, and agreed how awful your husband is, and that you should leave him and that you have a right to be happy etc etc would it?The last thing that you probably need in your life is the trauma of another broken marriage.
Write down 10 things that you love about your husband, and thank God for them every day. Thankfullness is hard sometimes but it is very powerful. Try NOT to worry about what he may be doing. Leave him to God. God can work far more effectively if we let him do it anyway. Remember that verse 'Trust the lord at all times, and dont lean on your own understanding'.
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Old 2nd August 2011, 11:22 PM   #712
Forever
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

On the other hand we can just approach it from another more pragmatic angle...

Let's just go with the worst case scenerio. Every time you leave the room, he's in there slapping his monkey. He prefer's his fantacies over trying to make love because he can get his own job done much quicker and more efficiently. It's just too much effort for him to involve you, and likely he will fail and become embarrassed anyway...and besides, you just dont look as appealing to him as those other hotties.

Where does that leave you? Even if you wanted to run for the hills, you are not in a position to do so, so you have to hatch an "exit plan". So you just keep smiling, serving dinner and building up a financial portfolio. That is going to take a couple of years. Meanwhile, you just be nice and get along, leaving him clueless as to what is coming down the pike.

The day comes when you are ready to high tail out of that roller coaster existence in search of some peace of mind...and perhaps someone more worthy will appear into your life...or not, who cares as long as you have peace of mind. You can consult your diary one last time and see if there were any noteworthy changes since the time you made your decision to split, and the day comes that you are now ready to leave on your terms. Fair enough, God had His chance.

Last edited by Forever; 2nd August 2011 at 11:31 PM.
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Old 3rd August 2011, 04:35 AM   #713
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

First of all, Chosen, you have no right asking me if I really want to leave my daughter my diary? My daughter knows everything anyway and she wants my diaries because if i'm dead it will make her feel closer to me. And who says we can't be happy? Do you think a christian wifes lot in life is to sacrifice for her husband when he doesn't feel like doing what God clearly intended him to do?

You are not in this situation, you don't know how you would react, so you can't really tell me what to do. I can take suggestions but your tone indicates that you are questioning my motives with my daughter, and that I will not permit, and you are questioning how I am handling this when I have every right to handle it any way I see fit. I am the victim here.

Forever, just because you chose to stay and deal with all the problems you were having with your husband doesn't mean that I have to do it. And don't say 'God had his chance'. I left him for a very good reason and you weren't there so you don't know what happened or what I went through. I don't come on here to be told what I must do.

I came on here to get advice but you are not giving advice, you are practically admonishing me for being upset. It isn't that he doesn't find me as attractive as some starlett, that isn't even the issue. The issue is that he has ed but instead of trying to give me a little intimacy he has decided to shut me out and m. This is unacceptable but I don't see how I can change it.

You would have me live like this for the rest of my life? Never feeling love from the man I love? Me being practically a servant doing things for him and he just goes on doing whatever he wants? He has to be accountable. And he certainly shouldn't be taking matters into his own hands, so to speak, should he?

So he's nice to old ladies and doesn't beat me, so what? He isn't being very nice to me and if I decided to leave him I would have every right because this is tearing me apart and the only way i'm handling it at all is because God is helping me, but don't tell me that God doesn't want me to be happy, that you can't be happy in a marriage because I was happy.

You two might be willing to take anything your h dishes out but I am not. I have already endured many things from him that you know nothing about and its when he was drinking a lot. All I ask is for respect and you make it sound like I have no reason for concern.

I'm living this life not you. You can't judge me (judge not, lest you be judged) because it isn't your place to. To be honest, you are sounding condescending and you aren't any closer to God than I am, I assure you and we aren't here to judge one another, but to help. I came on here to get advice from someone who knew what I was going through and 1aokgal is the only one who truly knows what I'm going through.

Our situations may be different but they are similar too. I can't believe you are telling me just to sit here and take whatever he decides to dish out. I have too much self respect for that and don't assume it will take me 2 years to be able to make it on my own because I've always supported myself and I can do it without his help too.

I am a very capable woman and I have God on my side. The only reason I haven't left before now is that I have put a lot of work into this place, most of these things are mine and I'm not willing to just walk away and lose everything. Been there and done that. I also don't want to lose him but this is beginning to be an impossible situation.

What I do with my daughter is my business, I talk to her about all of this and she supports me and prays with me, as does my mother. My mother knows some of it but not all but I have caring people I could go to if I had to but I don't want to make any hasty decisions. I thought I would love and be with this man forever.

I thought he would love me and be with me forever and treat me honestly and respectfully. I have let a lot of things go, forgiven him for a lot and it goes both ways but now he is lying about what he is doing, we just had another incident and I let him know I knew what he was doing and he denied it and said he was just watching tv. He could at least have the decency to wait until I was asleep or something.

He almost makes me doubt my own mind and that's what he wants. He wants to try and convince me he would never do that. Perhaps I haven't been right every time and he is just scratching or something, but I know I am not wrong all the time. Regardless, I am not bringing this up again to him. He knows I'm on to him so he can just do whatever he wants.

If, and I say if, the time comes when I decide to leave I will tell him exactly why and in all honesty I think he's surprised I've stayed this long. If he is doing this to himself then in a sense he is cheating on me, just like Raymond or someone else said on here. I do feel cheated on and you don't know what this feels like.

I have lived with this for a few years now and been patient and kind and showed him love and so he just took advantage of it and now he doesn't even try anymore. He expects me to just go along with it and I better not ask him about it either. Well, I have every right to ask him about why we never make love and I have every right to feel frustration and anger.

I am not telling you that I'm going to run out of this place and leave him and go find someone else eventually as I have no doubt I could do. I am telling you how I feel, how this isn't right and instead of trying to understand how I feel you are telling me what to do and how I am ignoring god's wishes and that I should just suck it up and deal with it.

I knew I shouldn't have come back on here. I knew someone would say something to upset me because you have upset me before. I should have just stayed away but I just thought you could understand how I feel. Do you see me telling either one of you how to deal with your husband? Do I tell you what to do with your daughter or that I alone know what God wants you to do?

No, that would be presumptuous of me, and so it is!
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Old 3rd August 2011, 04:54 AM   #714
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Also, my h is not my daughter's father. I have a son, age 35 by my first husband and my daughter, age 29, is from my second marriage. My daughter has told me to leave him upon occasion because she thinks we are too different. We are very close and she knows practically everything.

Just for the record, I do trust God and I know what the bible says and I also know what is says to him as a husband to do. Perhaps living alone without a man would be better than this. I don't need a man, they just seem to complicate things.

Instead of help and understanding I am getting condemnation from you, And how do you think that helps the situation?
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Old 3rd August 2011, 05:04 AM   #715
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Forever...

You are too funny!! HAHA. Truer words were never said as your summation on this sad scenario. That scene is exactly what she is dealing with in her marriage. I think Baroness should read that advice carefully as there is much truth in that plan. I don't see it going down that way, but it sounds good, doesn't it?

Concerning these personal journals...It might be an unwise idea to leave diaries of such personal nature to her daughter. She may replicate her mothers' life and be depressed about her own prospects to think her mom could have been that unhappy. Maybe she should let her see the happy times and not the sadness of her life.

I know what I am talking about there. I had a very poor result for a child reading my books. I used to keep 4/5 yrs worth of old journals years ago from the years before I wrote down my feelings and events. My son at 16 was living up north at that time with his dad. We split time with them. My husband hated that I became pregnant with that boy. When I was in labor he dropped me off by the front door of the hospital and went home to paint the kitchen. I was alone through labor/delivery at 20.

My doctor said afterwards, "Where is your husband?" That doctor picked up the phone and called my H. while I laid there on a gurney after delivery. He gave him quite a piece of his mind about the home decorating. He was a military doctor so had no worry there would be a complaint about his actions. My journal documented this event and all the awful feelings I had in that marriage. I also wrote my thoughts that this child wasn't a good idea since my husband hadn't wanted another child and the marriage was a mess. I could already forsee a divorce a few years later. I never imagined another soul would read these journals of mine. That was how I felt at the time. My thoughts and feelings were often raw and uncensored.

Years later on a summer vacation, my son invaded my personal things and sat down and read through these personal books. He then waved them in my face and asked me how I could dare lie about his father in all these things. No wonder we had divorce, he said, since I was so difficult and could make up such things in these books! He had such a negative reaction to much of what I wrote about those years we seldom were ever close. We actually have not spoken in 10 years. I never really want to know him since he crossed me off so neatly. I think he is pretty trashy to dump a mother who kept him in private schools, encouraged his interests and urged he get education. He hasn't done well with his life so has not space to judge his mother.

The next wife had many negative things to say about his father as well. She waited for him while he was 3 yrs. in prison. Funny, but those journals should have told the story of why things had been so bad. My son never apologized for invading my belongings which were not to be read by anyone, but myself. I threw them away later. They weren't written for another person to analyze my words.
Years later you forgot what you wrote in the heat of the moments. I was sorry this boy read my personal thoughts.

Baronness will have some therapeutic results from the journals but it might best to offload them and not keep dirty laundry for her daughter. That is just my opinion. I am close to my daughter today who will be 36, thursay. I don't tell her much about life as it stands here.
My husband, a stepdad, is very special with her and I don't want her to feel differently about him because of what is happening or not in our bedroom. If you want to say I protect his privacy, well I do. It won't help for her to feel upset for me. I don't want her sympathy and I don't rehash this with anyone.

I do wish I had forced more terrible showdowns years ago with my H. and sure did many things in confrontation to no avail. I didn't want to go through another divorce or drag my child through that and I also believed he loved me and would never allow this to continue. Too bad I didn't get counselling. I did go a time or so but felt I was the one being judged by some ignorant, self righteous guy who saw me as a whining woman, likely not interesting in the bedroom. Who know what he thought! I just didn't feel supported. I should have consulted a woman. I know I am a strong woman who has education and skills but there were times I alternated between suicide to killing him. I saw it in my fantasy to rip out his heart for cheating me of the life I should have had with him. Had I not loved him it would have been history.

I got it that he knew he had a problem before he married me! I think men with these problems select a woman who was marrid before, as maybe they think we ask less, expect less. That may be a possibility.

My marriage has remained sexless for many, many years and though I may have adjusted in some ways, there is not a day that goes by that I don't feel sad about today. I lost the magic days we might have had together and was sold a bill of goods. Instead of golden moments, the days were often empty as stones. If there was cheer and quality at all, it was because I forced it to work that way. I sublimated my natrual feelings and tried never to dwell on the grief of a loss that is a great part of life. So those here who never experienced this, I can tell you......this is hell.
When you care about someone who puts you aside..it is so hard to bear one can have little desire to get up in the morning or to exist.
I read some great literature, painted some fine pictures and made lovely creations with all the pent up emotions I was denied.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 3rd August 2011 at 09:14 AM.
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Old 3rd August 2011, 05:59 AM   #716
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Baroness,

I do know how you feel. I am deeply sorry for your loss. You were sold a bill of goods. It doesn't feel good to know someone you loved, trusted has deceived you.

You are right to feel angry and betrayed and grieve for the loss of your days. Baroness, your h. does cheat on you! Every time
he chooses to meet his own needs, instead of being with his wife, he has cheated you.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 3rd August 2011 at 06:12 AM.
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Old 3rd August 2011, 10:02 AM   #717
Helen_uk
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Baroness,

I've hesitated to post on your thread as I've never been in the exact situation you're in and thought perhaps , given all the advice you've gotten I couldn't add anything that would help.

However the pain you are feeling has prompted me to write.

In my last long term relationship my partner had problems, not with maintaining an erection but in ejaculating. For a long time I blamed myself , I felt I must be extremely unattractive if he couldn't share this with me . His problems were not the same as your H's but the outcome was the same. I felt unwanted and unappreciated. It was frustrating to say the least. I loved this man and I wanted things to be right between us , but it wasn't a subject he was willing to discuss .

I have no answers for you , it feels awful to love someone unconditionally and feel they are holding something back . It's a blow to self esteem if we THINK, even if we're not 100 % sure that they are able to find someone else attractive ...Even if that other person is only an actress on a screen.....and yet not be able to make love to the one person they should be able to

I think you're doing things the only way you can as you know your H and we don't. ED is such a complex problem with often deep rooted psychological causes as well as physical ones that even the best sex therapists struggle to find cures , with all the knowledge at their finger tips.

The one thing that concerns me about your situation , more than the fact your H isn't making love to you fully is that he seems to also withdraw from any other physical sexual contact , this quite possibly through fear of failure...but it puts an almighty strain on you to have this withdrawn and as you know it then becomes really difficult to show affection back , causing more strain and frustration because when we love someone we have a need to be able to show it without worrying about what impression it's giving.

I just wanted to say I feel for you and I'm sorry I can't offer any advice.
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Old 3rd August 2011, 10:24 AM   #718
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
My marriage has remained sexless for many, many years and though I may have adjusted in some ways, there is not a day that goes by that I don't feel sad about today. I lost the magic days we might have had together and was sold a bill of goods. Instead of golden moments, the days were often empty as stones. If there was cheer and quality at all, it was because I forced it to work that way. I sublimated my natrual feelings and tried never to dwell on the grief of a loss that is a great part of life. So those here who never experienced this, I can tell you......this is hell.
When you care about someone who puts you aside..it is so hard to bear one can have little desire to get up in the morning or to exist.
I read some great literature, painted some fine pictures and made lovely creations with all the pent up emotions I was denied.
Hi

I really don't know why your h decided to choose a career move which leaves you isolated from marital companionship for so long. Is this a career which he deliberately and intentionally chose in order to stay away from his marriage? It did cross my mind quite a few times when this topic came up before, though I never wanted to say, in case this offends.

It also crossed my mind if whatever he did to please you and many charitable acts towards you when you were ill, were done out of his Guilt? Many donations and act of charity are known to be driven by Guilt not out of "supporting the cause" and it is not even an act of Love.

In a way, you were a slave to this marriage. Maybe, you think it was your choice to stay and you could have left if you wanted to. But reading what you often say, it's more like you are making deliberate effort in believing this marriage was good whilst you are "in hell". Maybe, you had your security, a good home, a indifferent but dutiful h who treats you like his old Mother who needs a dutiful son to care and love and you are bounded by these. Maybe, you also may have had fear of loneliness in the event of divorce, which would be entirely understandable. Also, after having a few other broken marriages, you would be less likely to break yet another one, just to free yourself from the complication as the future is uncertain and you may need someone you know you can trust if something did happen.

I find Baroness is courageous. Some ppl on this site are slaves to their bad marriage and maybe, that's partly why we are here together in our struggle. (Probably, me included! x) Some cope by twisting around God's words selectively to suit their motivation and gain extra meaning in what they do in their less than perfect marriage. Some resort to extra academic qualifications and other worldly pursuits, to embellish their otherwise unhappy existence.

About her journals, it's only Baroness can decide as to what to do with them. (No big deal.) She does not have a complicated relationship with her own daughter, who had been close to her emotional life anyway (from what I read). Sons are slightly different imho. Hope you won't stop coming on this site, Baroness. I have been one of your fans on here. I like people who speak from a pure heart without worldly "considerations" and spins. I admire that quality in you.

1aokgal, I always thought you are a great motivator to many ppl on this site but I sometimes wonder why you are still as trapped as some of us are?
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Old 3rd August 2011, 10:34 AM   #719
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I just feel that we cant run from marriage over every difficulty that come up, or no one would be married. If you feel that is it your right to be happy (which you think means leaving him) then you are already looking for a way out and divorce. In a sense you have already given up. If you make up you mind that divorce isnt an option,(and you have no biblical reason to divorce) then you will see things differently.
We can go through life trying to find the perfect man/husband but he doesnt exist, and you will only end up dissappointed yet again with another man.

I am also very close to my older daughter, but I would never let her read my own personal thoughts and feelings, especially when they are about someone else.

I was so excited a couple of weeks ago when you seemed to see things so differently, but you need people here who can give you hope for your marriage, and not who take that away.

Its not going to help you to have people run down your husband, because we build up or tear down with our words.

He isnt looking at porn, and as far as you know he isnt masturbating either, but you are just assuming that he is with no real proof.

Get that book called 'the power of a praying wife' by Stormie omartian and pray those prayers every day for him.

Last edited by chosen; 3rd August 2011 at 10:52 AM.
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Old 3rd August 2011, 10:41 AM   #720
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Helen_uk View Post
The one thing that concerns me about your situation , more than the fact your H isn't making love to you fully is that he seems to also withdraw from any other physical sexual contact , this quite possibly through fear of failure...but it puts an almighty strain on you to have this withdrawn and as you know it then becomes really difficult to show affection back , causing more strain and frustration because when we love someone we have a need to be able to show it without worrying about what impression it's giving.

I just wanted to say I feel for you and I'm sorry I can't offer any advice.
Hi Helen

You got extremely insightful post there. I also personally think it's not just physical level which is at fault. Physical side would be relatively the easiest part to treat these days.

In my experience, anything major or minor negative emotions that we experience as h & w outside the bedroom does affect the whole relationship either in a short or in a long run and vice versa. It could be in a marital bedroom which may be affected and in others, maybe, it is manifested differently in other couples. When there are unresolved hurt for example, are not treated, then it can compromise the relationship (often without knowing) and we get odd symptoms, in a bedroom or in any other situation. Sometimes, when couples don't forgive each other for their past hurts and instead, these sores get flared up in other part of relationship. Marriage is so complex.
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