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Old 29th May 2014, 08:43 AM   #856
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Something is going on it seems. Porn would fit the bill but we can't be sure about that. One sign would be that he stays up on the internet after you have gone to bed. That doesn't prove it but they are the kind of sign to look for.

Do you think he is having an affair perhaps? That he doesn't even try to hide his ogling of younger girls doesn't bode well and he could have a wandering mind.

I've noticed that you have posted on the christian section. Does this mean you are christians or did you just inadvertantly post here. Not that it matters. We just want to understand where you are coming from.

It is obvious that your self esteem is suffering but most of the time it is not even the wife's fault. Some just want their cake and to eat it. Being unfaithful, not that he necessarily is, doesn't mean that the wife is at fault or is undesirable. Some men just do not have a faithful outlook.
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Old 28th May 2016, 04:38 PM   #857
DeeDee
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi;

I recently found this forum. I am married but, me and my husband are more roommates than a married couple. He doesn't care about having sex himself but, he recently brought up wanting to watch me have sex with another man.

We are a Christian couple. I try to get my husband interested in sex, and the only thing that seems to excite him is the thought of me being intimate with another man. I love my husband and have no desire to be with another man but, I feel that doing so would be the only way to get my husband excited about having sex with me.

This is my third marriage. The first two went South within a few years. My first husband wasn't a Christian, and he cheated on me. My second husband is in prison for the rest of his life for doing the most horrid thing a man can do. My current husband was a pastor with the Salvation Army for many years, and he's a wonderful man but, now I am beginning to wonder about him and me.

I have been a forced celibate for about 7 years now, and recently found out that my husband has had thoughts of sexually sharing me with other men. I know I am not alone in being in a sexless marriage but, I wonder if I am alone in the fact that my husband wants to share me, sexually.

I went to our pastor's wife and told her that my marriage was sexless and I didn't know what to do about it. She said, "Tell him you want to fulfill his sexual wants and desires completely. And then do it!" I didn't tell her what his desires are, mostly because I am ashamed of his desires. And what scares me the most is that it might be the only way to get him interested in having sex with me again.

Thought? Anyone???
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Old 28th May 2016, 10:31 PM   #858
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I am just shocked Dee Dee that your husband used to be a Salvation Army pastor and is coming out with this stuff. There is something dreadfully wrong here. I have answered your post on the marriage thread. Marital sex should only be between a husband and wife alone. Never a third person.
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Old 2nd June 2016, 08:12 PM   #859
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

If he was a Christian there is no way that he would ask you do so such a serious sin. Dont even think of it. I have also answered you on the marriage thread.
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Old 17th August 2016, 11:46 AM   #860
ralfgarnett
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by DeeDee View Post
Hi;

I recently found this forum. I am married but, me and my husband are more roommates than a married couple. He doesn't care about having sex himself but, he recently brought up wanting to watch me have sex with another man.

We are a Christian couple. I try to get my husband interested in sex, and the only thing that seems to excite him is the thought of me being intimate with another man. I love my husband and have no desire to be with another man but, I feel that doing so would be the only way to get my husband excited about having sex with me.

This is my third marriage. The first two went South within a few years. My first husband wasn't a Christian, and he cheated on me. My second husband is in prison for the rest of his life for doing the most horrid thing a man can do. My current husband was a pastor with the Salvation Army for many years, and he's a wonderful man but, now I am beginning to wonder about him and me.

I have been a forced celibate for about 7 years now, and recently found out that my husband has had thoughts of sexually sharing me with other men. I know I am not alone in being in a sexless marriage but, I wonder if I am alone in the fact that my husband wants to share me, sexually.

I went to our pastor's wife and told her that my marriage was sexless and I didn't know what to do about it. She said, "Tell him you want to fulfill his sexual wants and desires completely. And then do it!" I didn't tell her what his desires are, mostly because I am ashamed of his desires. And what scares me the most is that it might be the only way to get him interested in having sex with me again.

Thought? Anyone???
Don't even think about it, this is morally revolting and wrong on every level, if he loved you truly as a husband should love his wife then he wouldn't contemplate such vile behaviour, I think you might need to question his motives not to mention if you would want to be married to such a man, had my wife ever suggested this to me then very loud alarm bells would of been ringing in my head.
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Old 22nd August 2016, 07:08 AM   #861
shaybib
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by DeeDee View Post
Hi;

I recently found this forum. I am married but, me and my husband are more roommates than a married couple. He doesn't care about having sex himself but, he recently brought up wanting to watch me have sex with another man.

We are a Christian couple. I try to get my husband interested in sex, and the only thing that seems to excite him is the thought of me being intimate with another man. I love my husband and have no desire to be with another man but, I feel that doing so would be the only way to get my husband excited about having sex with me.

This is my third marriage. The first two went South within a few years. My first husband wasn't a Christian, and he cheated on me. My second husband is in prison for the rest of his life for doing the most horrid thing a man can do. My current husband was a pastor with the Salvation Army for many years, and he's a wonderful man but, now I am beginning to wonder about him and me.

I have been a forced celibate for about 7 years now, and recently found out that my husband has had thoughts of sexually sharing me with other men. I know I am not alone in being in a sexless marriage but, I wonder if I am alone in the fact that my husband wants to share me, sexually.

I went to our pastor's wife and told her that my marriage was sexless and I didn't know what to do about it. She said, "Tell him you want to fulfill his sexual wants and desires completely. And then do it!" I didn't tell her what his desires are, mostly because I am ashamed of his desires. And what scares me the most is that it might be the only way to get him interested in having sex with me again.

Thought? Anyone???

you are not alone. some man and women like seen their spouse with other people. the fact he likes it doesn't mean you should do it. Mabey you should ask him if he has other fantasies that don't involve others. maybe you two just need some variations
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Old 6th October 2016, 07:25 PM   #862
OCGirl
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

There is a lot to read in this thread, but I have a question I have on which I would like to get some Christian feedback/perspective.
It seems it's generally understood among believers that the only "legitimate" reason for divorce is "marital unfaithfulness/adultery" on the part of your spouse. The Bible provides specific guidance, not commands, for sex within marriage in 1 Corinthians 7:3-6:
3 The husband should fulfill his wifeís sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husbandís needs. 4 The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.
5 Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan wonít be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command.
If, as it has been discussed in this thread, a husband is not fulfilling his wife's expressed sexual needs (assuming she is not requesting something inappropriate or unreasonable), does this become a form of "marital unfaithfulness?" Can a wife be justified, in the eyes of God, for divorcing her husband who is unwilling to meet her sexual needs? I am approaching my two-year wedding anniversary, and my husband has not been interested in sex since we got married (we were only intimate on our wedding night on our honeymoon), due to enormous stress and pressure at work. As it stands right now, I have been forced to be celibate for the last 6 months with no end in sight, despite my openness with him about how I'm affected by his lack of interest in intimacy with me.
I love my husband and do not want to divorce, but I also don't see how this is going to last with his unwillingness to engage in sex with me. He also tends to be quite critical, which started a month after we got married, and he is not generally pleased with anything. And in case it comes up, I'm attractive, slim, kind and respectful toward him so his lack of interest is not a result of a problem on my end. Also, he is not looking at porn or having an affair. His sex drive is non-existent due to stress and age (he is in his mid 50's, I am in my early 40's). I would love some feedback - would it be justified, in the eyes of God, to divorce a spouse for withholding sexual intimacy?
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Old 8th October 2016, 12:26 AM   #863
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Its a hard question. Honestly he should have been honest and told you this before you married him. The fact that he didnt is very wrong. I cant see it as adultery though to be honest, but if he is a Christian man then he is disobeying God. Not sure I could justify a divorce for this, but I would expect him to work on changing things.

Honestly mid 50's isnt that old. To loose interest that young may indicate medical issues. Has he been tested for diabetes? Has he had a recent medical check up? Have his testosterone levels been checked?

As for his stress, its hard to know if he using that as an excuse not to have sex or if its genuine. if its genuine has he thought about changing jobs to something less stressful? Possibly even working part time if you can afford it? What does he do to relieve stress? Exercise is very good, and having hobbies and interests may help. Counseling may be needed if its an ongoing thing.

I wonder if he has always had a low sex drive or if its just recent. Has he been married before and if so why did that marriage end?

Marriage counseling may also help.
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Old 11th October 2016, 10:35 AM   #864
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

This is a difficult one. One wonders why he got married if he doesn't want sex. I would count sex as the cement that holds the marriage together. Not that we have sex every minute but take that away and one will begin to feel that they live with a flatmate rather than a spouse. I know it's about relationship but the sex comes out of relationship. It is a wonderul part of marriage.

There used to be a law in Britain, don't know whether there still is, that the marriage was not consumated until the couple came together sexually. In those cases divorce wasn't necessary as the marriage was seen as not consumated anyway and the deprived party could depart. Personally I think that becoming one flesh is on that level. Jacob was not really married to Leah until he had slept with her. Although it was not the one who he wanted it was too late once they had come together.

One could question what was his motivation for getting married. It would be interesting to know his past, as Chosen has enquired, but obviously something is seriously wrong here. The only other thing I could think of is homosexuality. It is known that some homosexuals do get married as a cover up. It is asked during the vows whether anyone is aware of any impediment why the marriage should not take place. This would be such an impediment in my view. I know that your main question is about divorce. In that this marriage has not been functioning from the start I could personally see grounds for separating on the grounds that it has not become a normal marriage from the start, but obviously you need to pray about that.
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Old 11th October 2016, 07:12 PM   #865
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Raymond the op said that she has been celibate for 6 months but their marriage is 2 years long, so I assume they have had sex.
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Old 12th October 2016, 06:55 AM   #866
Hilary
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

If one partner would like to partake in sex and the other doesn't then there needs to be some communication to find out why - is it physical, or have they drifted apart and have no interest in you any longer? Or is it that they need a different type of emotional connection with you first? My husband has lost interest. He used to want it twice a day for the first 30 years of marriage but usually only got it 4-6 times a week. Then he dropped to twice a week. Now over the last 8 years he doesn't seem to need it any more, though we make the effort as making love is part of the glue that holds our relationship together, so its more like once a month now. Personally I think it is due to testosterone levels dropping as its associated with muscle wasting. It is up to me to encourage the use of what testosterone he has! - both from a relationship perspective, and because men who have sex twice a week have much less chance of prostate cancer!
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Old 12th October 2016, 09:50 AM   #867
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

The frequency can drop with age gradually but the quality can actually increase in my experience. I think it is because you know each other so well and know what switches the other on.

What we are looking at here is obviously something else right from the start of the marriage.
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Old 12th October 2016, 11:25 PM   #868
Hilary
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Yes you are right about this particular case. But I was also thinking of all the people who read the thread because of its title.
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Old 13th October 2016, 10:24 AM   #869
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I see your point.
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Old 13th October 2016, 07:20 PM   #870
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
The frequency can drop with age gradually but the quality can actually increase in my experience. I think it is because you know each other so well and know what switches the other on.

What we are looking at here is obviously something else right from the start of the marriage.
Yes, quality not quantity.
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