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Old 26th August 2006, 09:16 PM   #1
Browneyedgal
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Should I go back?

Hi everyone,

I discovered this wonderful site this morning and I’ve been reading all the notes for hours. I am hoping that someone can help me try to decide what to do about my life because I’m not sure which way to turn.

I am 54-years-old, I separated from my husband about a year ago, and we have been married for 33 years. I left him – and our two kids who are in their 20’s - at the house we have lived in for over 25 years. It was a platonic decision – my husband understood and even supported me - and even our kids were understanding. I thought I was doing the right thing and I thought I knew what I was looking for but now I am having second thoughts and I wonder if I should go back. I would appreciate some feedback and even some advice from those who have been there.

My husband is a wonderful man. He is 12 years older than I am and he takes care of himself and still looks good. He is a very hard-working, extremely honest, generous, faithful, easy-going, wonderful father and provider who still loves me dearly. He would do anything for me and at this point he is still helping me out financially. We always got along very well, we like so many of the same things, and we still see each other every Tuesday night – our ‘special’ date night - as we have for almost 35 years. OK OK I’m sure you’re all saying wow then why on earth did she leave? And what’s this guy’s phone number? LOL

Well, the problem is that I fell out of love with him. For the last five years that we were together we shared no sex or intimacy at all. And the drifting apart stuff had all been building and began about five years before that. You see, I married an unusual man – he never was all that crazy about sex or intimacy, his testosterone level must be down in the cellar although he had no interest in getting it checked, he never really liked to kiss or hold me, and he was content having sex twice a month. It was a bit more when we were first married but that’s how it usually is anyway. Throughout our marriage it was pretty much me going after him most of the time because he lacked the normal desires that I know a man has. And by the way, I am a pretty attractive woman so it has nothing to do with that. I have a very nice figure and I have been told many times that I look like I’m in my late 30’s. Plus I, too, am extremely easy-going and fun and during the many years of our marriage we probably only fought three times…

…My husband is from the old school, a bit old-fashioned, someone who hides his emotions unless he’s out drinking with the guys, and he was brought up with hardly any love or physical emotion shown to him so he never really knew how to give it. Over the years I had tried to ‘teach’ him, change him, and help him/us in order to make our marriage a better one but you can’t change a leopard’s spots plus he was always quite happy with the way everything was. And he’s not an ‘emotional’ talker. He has a very difficult time talking to me about feelings and needs – he never could say “I love you” even though I knew he did. We have no problem talking about tons of other things though and we can spend hours together in a nice lounge conversing about sports, religion, war, and politics. He pretty much just wanted a maid, cleaning lady, cook, and companion to go to the movies and out to eat with. But I have to say that our life was pretty perfect in every other way – we had a lot of friends, gave tons of parties, and traveled a lot - except for the physical part which is very important to me because I, on the other hand, have a very high sex drive. I would mostly turn to my toys and fantasies in order to make it all work. And to be honest I did have an affair during our marriage, during the last five years when we weren’t close at all. I am not proud of that fact but in order to keep the family together – I was brought up very Catholic and I am a child of divorce – and fulfill my needs it is something that I couldn’t help doing. I am sure that my husband never knew about my indiscretion – I would never want to hurt him in any way - and I continued to put up a bold front plus keep him happy in every way that he needed. But then I just couldn’t take it anymore and besides the fact that I was feeling guilty, I thought it best to move out and find someone who I was more compatible with sexually and otherwise…

…Well. It’s a jungle out there. LOL Since I’ve been on my own I have dated quite a few men. I’ve had decent relationships with a couple of them but so many have baggage and stipulations and I’ve encountered problems here and there. Needless to say some of the sex has been fabulous but I’m sure that it’s just the ‘new’ passion of it all as I’ve read here on the boards. I haven’t truly clicked with anyone although I am dating someone now who I feel like I love but he doesn’t even come close to offering all the other things that my husband does. In other words, the sex and love/lust is fabulous but we don’t have a lot in common, etc.

I enjoy seeing my husband on Tuesday’s very much. We don’t touch at all and we only kiss goodbye. We talk on the phone a lot and I even help him at his business. But is there any hope for us? Should I just somehow be happy and content with what he can offer, which is a lot for some? Should I be thankful for what I have with him, knowing that no relationship is perfect? Or should I trudge on and keep looking for that certain someone who just may be out there? My husband and I have not talked about this at all because number one, I don’t want to give him any false hope not knowing if I am sure what I want, and number two, talking to him about this type of stuff will not be easy. It’s like pulling teeth to get him to communicate and I mostly hear “I don’t knows” whenever I have tried to talk to him. And he’s not the type to ask me to come back – I know I would have to make the move. So how on earth do I decide what I should do? Can anyone help me? Thank you
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Old 26th August 2006, 11:49 PM   #2
bluebell
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Re: Should I go back?

HI, i have read your post, after reading sites about aspbergers syndrome all night (which i think my husband has). i have posted on here before, a long time ago, about my husbands inability to show empathy or love towards me, resulting in me feeling lonely, unappreciated and "not good enough", although i see myself as a reasonably attractive 42 year old! Your story seemed to resemble mine, a lack of love and emotional support left you looking for something else, which is where i am now, but i always wanted the growing old together thing! Part of me wants to tell you to go and find the " soul mate" that we are all supposed to have and the other part is enjoy what you have with your husband. Do you think that maybe he has a problem like AS (which my son also has) and that truely he does love you. I would give anything right now to know that somebody truely loved me. I know this does not really answer your question, but another angle of trying to understand where your husband is at? best wishes xxx
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Old 27th August 2006, 12:55 AM   #3
Browneyedgal
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Re: Should I go back?

Hi bluebell,

Thanks so much for writing. I truly appreciate any and all ideas and angles. I had never heard of Aspberger’s Syndrome until you just mentioned it. So I googled it and I’ve been reading a lot about it. I know about autism and ironically enough our daughter was almost diagnosed with that when she was younger. She ended up having ADD which I think she actually got from me. Anyway, no I don’t think my husband has Aspberger’s but I did find all of that information quite interesting and I thank you for pointing it out. My husband has no problem showing emotion and giving support to his men friends and he has actually been pretty good with the kids in that department, too. Plus I don’t see him having any of the other main symptoms of AS. He has always had a problem getting close to women and he felt very insecure with them growing up. He has three sisters, his father died young, and he was very close to his mother so maybe all that has something to do with it. As he got older he rarely had a girlfriend and he would much rather go out and pay for sex than to try and work out a good relationship with someone or be turned down in any way. He was quite shy as a boy and he really didn’t come out of his shell until he met me.

And oh I know he really does truly love me a lot. I know he does. He just has such a problem showing it. He feels bad about that, too, because at one point after I left he tried to apologize for the way he is but the words would barely come out. And then of course there’s his lack of sexual desire, too. And I know it certainly won’t get any better as he gets older. But the man is a sweetheart. I feel bad for him and maybe that’s a stumbling block for me, too. When you say that “part of me wants to tell you to go and find the ‘soul mate’ that we are all supposed to have and the other part is enjoy what you have with your husband” I can certainly relate because right now I am torn in half as far as what to do and which way to go.

When you posted years ago do you recall if you received much feedback? Are there others in the same boat as we are? Mostly you hear about men not receiving sex, love, and empathy rather than the other way around. I’d like to hear from some men on this subject. Maybe they could enlighten me or suggest something.

Thanks again for your thoughts and best wishes to you, too. xxx
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Old 30th August 2006, 02:15 PM   #4
fisherman
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Cool Re: Should I go back?

Hi Browneyedgal

Well you asked for responses from men in the same boat.....well I am not EXACTLY in the same boat but there are many similarities.

I have not left my wife, we are not seperated, but we are as close as we have ever been to that! I can identify with a lot of what you say in your messages, but in my relationship I am the one with the high sexual apetite and drive for excitement. I will try and be brief but how do you compress all my thoughts into one letter!

I have been with my wife for 22 years, married for 19 and 2 super kids 9,12. My wife was my only sexual partner until 4 years ago when I had an affair lasting just over 2 years. I never got 'discovered' but I did tell my wife 18 months ago as I sought help from a counsellor. So why did I seek help...well here are the similarities...

My wife is a truly lovely lady, kind, caring, loving, good mother etc....but despite all that, for me there was something missing. I would not say I never loved her, that could not be so, but I do feel my relationship was built on the premise of having 'no reason to break up' rather than being totally in love and committed.

I myself have been a good husband, definately hands on, caring but not very affectionate. My affair made me realise that I had in fact been living a bit of a lie, comfortable but not in love..and since I had the affair I have got worse and worse.

If anybody neutral had of asked me what I wanted to do I would say, as I do now, I would like to leave. But my commitment to the children is total and despite not being in love with my wife I do not hate her for sure.

Now there are many opinions of course. In the last year I spent £1000 on therapy, relate, joint counselling and mostly a psychotherpaist to try and find a way to love my wife again....but I cannot and she of course cant understand this. My view is very simple, I think time has run out on our relationship (for me) and I believe my existence in the house serves only to keep the family together and give her hope...but in fact I am living a lie, pretending all will be ok. I do not like feeling like I do, I wish with all my heart someone would throw that switch and I would be in love, but its not gonna happen.

So I am not in any position to advise you really but what I would say is this...part of my problem is I crossed that line, I unleashed the passion in me that had been dormant and I realised I could be a lot happier than I am. My wife constantly talks about starting afresh, but thats easy to say when you feel so committed to someone, less easy to do if you are full of ambivalence. I wonder if you really could go back? I cant get back to the man I once was, dont believe I ever will and will either end up thrown out on my backside or keeling over from a coronary. And my question to you is could you REALLY go back and be totally happy, it will only be a matter of time before the doubts creep in again wont it?

I am sure some people on here will view me as shallow and selfish and maybe my comments a bit negative, but I know I am a decent person who has hit a crisis and I cannot help my feelings. I am 41 and want to live and want to be the happy smiley laughing person I was years ago.
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Old 30th August 2006, 02:20 PM   #5
fisherman
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Re: Should I go back?

Oh yes one more thing.....I think a major reason for me not having left home is out of sympathy for my wife and feeling bad for her...just like you do. But I KNOW that is no foundation for a strong relationship!

Also reference feedback, I posted 6 months ago, got a bit of a moral bashing rather than any sympathetic help..but hey, its worth another go!
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Old 30th August 2006, 02:37 PM   #6
Numb
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Re: Should I go back?

Hi Fisherman
Not sure I can offer you any sympathy but I did connect with what you are saying in your post. I guess during my marriage there were times that I fell 'Out of love' with my wife. And yes there were many times that I did not want to be at home or with her. That I stayed out of sympathy for her and wanting to be with my kids. But I hung in there and found these 'blips' seemed to pass. One minute I was out of the love and the next I couldn't get enoughof her! I know this sounds dis-similar to you. It sounds to me that maybe the 'honeymoon' period ended pretty soon for you. However your post connected because I believe my wife feels pretty similar to what you have expressed. Neither of us have had affairs, but we are now separated. Simply because she has fallen out of love with me, I believe some time ago. Bless her, she stuck in there as long as she could, but I guess like you she could not retrieve it. I am hoping that now we are separated she will miss me and get those feelings once again. Some day we may be back together again. But if after time apart, you really are not feeling it,the fire does not re-ignite, then yes you have to move on. I realise that what has happend with us, in our marriage, may be too painful for her to want to go back and try again. Some times we just need to accept when it is over, it is OVER.
Take Care
Numb

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Old 30th August 2006, 04:33 PM   #7
Liz
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Re: Should I go back?

Dear Browneyedgal

As I read your postings and the responses you have had, it got me wondering about how our expectations of marriage and life change.

You seem to have gone through the empty nest stage over the last few years. As a mum did you look around you as the children became independent and wonder what the real purpose of life was? I do think that is a stage when we question what we may have accepted or taken for granted while the children were around.

Now you have been through that stage and tasted living alone and dating, I wonder what you want out of the rest of life? What do you want to do with your life now? Who do you want to grow old with? How important will a lively sex life be to you in ten or twenty years time compared to a companion who you can trust? I don't know what the answers to these questions might be, but thinking them through might help you to know whether you want to see if your husband will have you back or whether you are going to keep searching for someone else.

A number of other people have posted on this thread and described how marriages can go through difficult times when the feelings are lost and they are staying reluctantly. One of the things that we have found that has helped us to keep our realtionship strong and healthy has been enrichment weekends like Marriage Encounter. These times have helped us to open up our hearts to each other, to see the special qualities in each other, to appreciate having someone around we can trust and respect even if life isn't always exciting and sometimes can be downright difficult.

Sometimes we can spend much of our life searching for something that perhaps no living person can really provide us with, yet right under our noses we have someone who we could choose to love, who cares for us.

I hope you can find peace in whatever decision you make.

Liz
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Old 30th August 2006, 05:06 PM   #8
Numb
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Re: Should I go back?

Liz
Your response was so well written and just about said it all for me. I so wish my wife could read what you have written. I think the 'empty nest stage' is exactly where she is at. She has actually said to me, 'I am not sure if I want to grow old with you.', 'What happens when the kids have all left home' That type of thing. And I think she is probably now seeing for herself what it is like on her own or maybe she will meet someone and have a few happy years. Who knows. But if only she would realise she has someone right here who loves her dearly, wants to share in her life experiences and will happily grow old with her, sharing in her interests, then I have to ask, does she really need to go find out in the first place. I know she still loves me, but I guess she will have to find out through the path she has chosen, the hard way.

Thank you
Numb
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Old 30th August 2006, 05:24 PM   #9
fisherman
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Re: Should I go back?

Numb

I am sorry to sound harsh but your comments remind me of what my wife constantly tells me. It is a very hard thing to explain when your feelings for someone, particularly someone you have shared so much together with, diminish or evaporate. It is just as impossible for the other person to understand that.

But everyone is different, our emotions and thoughts differ and as I read your comments I heard my wife saying all those things to me, making me feel guilt, sympathy towards her, but these are not strong reasons to stay. I am not telling you to stop fighting, but in my case I really feel like shouting out to leave me alone and let me find out if I am making a mistake. You cannot talk someone into doing something they do not want to in their hearts and that is a hard thing to admit.

Im sorry, I can feel your hurt but I bet she feels just as much hurt for very different reasons, I sure as hell do. Good luck.
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Old 30th August 2006, 05:45 PM   #10
Numb
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Re: Should I go back?

Fisherman
Don't worry. Your comments are not harsh, just from your perspective. I know she is probably shouting inside to me to leave her alone... I got the message and I am. I appreciate that if the love has gone, sometimes as much as you try, you cannot get it back. But sometimes we just need the space to find out for ourselves that we do still have that love for someone. Very difficult to feel that when you are still living together, seeing them everyday, and everything they do just frustrates you. I know we have a much better relationship than we did 2 months ago and that is simply because there is no pressure and no expectations from either of us. If nothing else one day she will be my best friend again. I wouldn't want to lose her from my life and anything is better than nothing. Of course it isn't what I want but it is a start.
But I also except that she is hurting for very different reasons. We all have our demons to deal with. In time she will deal with hers and be all the better and happier for it. I may not be part of her future but I sure hope she gets to where she wants to be...as said previously 'the grass isn't always greener' and there isn't anyone out there who can provide what you are looking for.... they are right there at home.
Take care
Numb
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Old 4th September 2006, 02:16 AM   #11
Browneyedgal
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Re: Should I go back?

Thanks for writing, Fisherman, and I’m sorry I took a bit of a time to reply. You and I may not be exactly in the same boat but yes I do see the similarities. It’s tough to compress thoughts into one letter, huh? I’m glad you tried though because I really believe that simply getting things out makes one feel better. It does sound like you’re a decent person and you’ve tried to be a good husband. And that your wife is a lovely lady. Plus you care about your children and considering them is very important - my parents divorced when I was 14 and I will never forget the pain I was in at that time…

…I understand completely when you say that your affair made you realize you had been living a lie and it actually opened your eyes to what you were missing, unleashing a passion in you that lay dormant. The exact same thing happened to me. It’s funny though how sometimes that doesn’t turn out to be such a good thing. I mean, we can be pretty content and float along until we think that the grass may be greener. Then we find out that it can be in a way but is it really when we take the whole picture into consideration? And you raised a very important question when you asked me…..”could you REALLY go back and be totally happy?” Aaargh I wonder that so much and if only I knew. I don’t want to put myself right back into the same situation I was in. I tried talking to my husband many times in the past and that didn’t help. But now that we have been apart for awhile I wonder if – as Numb said – I just needed the space to find out that I do have that love for him that could be reignited. I met with my sister and her husband the other night – she had been divorced for 10 years before she met this wonderful man and they have been married and extremely happy for six years. They suggested I have a really good talk with my husband. And pretty much tell him everything I was missing, what I would ‘need’ from him to go back, and is there any chance at all that he could or would be willing to give more and try again. It does seem like such a shame to throw away all the good parts we have…

…The difference between yours and my situation though is that you have tried therapy, etc. I think that after all this time if you find that you can’t get back to the man you once were and you truly know and feel that your feelings for your wife have totally diminished and evaporated, then in my opinion you should make a move and find out for yourself if you are making a mistake or not. No, sympathy for one’s spouse is certainly not a foundation for a good marriage. But life is too short not to be happy and I wish you the best.

Numb, you brought up some good points and some eye-openers, too. I wonder if my husband was thinking “bless her, she stuck in there as long as she could.” And if he is hoping for me to get those feelings back and for me to go home again. I do realize – as I think deep down that your wife does – that I have someone who loves me dearly and will happily grow old with me. I am sorry for your troubles and I do hope that everything works out for you.

And Liz, thank you for your reply. I agree with Numb that your words are very well written and you do pose some interesting questions that I will truly think about. First of all though I don’t think my particular situation really has anything to do with the empty nest stage. My kids are still at home with their dad and I have felt ‘lost,’ unfulfilled, and like something has been missing in our marriage for quite some time now. But so many other things that you have pointed out in your posting hit home with me.

I do think that part of the reason for my confusion is because I don’t know what I want out of the rest of my life. Well, I do and I don’t. I know that I want what most everyone else wants, which is to be “a happy smiley laughing person.” And I do want to enjoy being with someone who rocks my world and who I truly love in every way. I do care for my husband very much and I feel that we have everything but passionate love, lust and desire. Is that needed? Will any of that return if I give it all a chance again and even try a bit harder? I think of Barry Manilow when he sings about trying to get the feeling again. Hmmm I wonder if that’s ever possible... And it’s ironic that you mention Marriage Encounter because that was something in the back of my mind that I had thought about… Plus your question “How important will a lively sex life be to you in ten or twenty years time compared to a companion who you can trust?” really makes me think even more about my whole situation. I’m not 25 and a spring chicken anymore – I do have a lot of life and desire in me though – but you’re right to point out that as we get older we tend to look at different parts of a relationship such as true companionship, having things in common, etc. I truly wonder if I am searching for something that no one else can provide but that is really right under my nose. Interesting and important things to think about and I thank you again for writing...
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Old 4th September 2006, 12:23 PM   #12
fisherman
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Re: Should I go back?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Browneyedgal View Post
I think that after all this time if you find that you can’t get back to the man you once were and you truly know and feel that your feelings for your wife have totally diminished and evaporated, then in my opinion you should make a move and find out for yourself if you are making a mistake or not. No, sympathy for one’s spouse is certainly not a foundation for a good marriage. But life is too short not to be happy and I wish you the best.

Browneyedgal,

This paragraph could not have been worded better! I think I am very much at the stage where I have to find out for myself, maybe the grass isnt greener but I know I am a stubborn bugger and will not be convinced by words...lets face it sometimes the grass is greener...your sisters second marriage for example????

This whole grass is greener thing amuses me a bit. Yes we must take the whole picture into consideration but you said it, life is too short! This brings me to a comment about Liz's reply. ''how important s a lively sex life in 10/20 years time''.

Its a fair point but for me life should be for living now and not about the future...another way in which my thinking has altered. My whole life since leaving school has been about the future...not enjoying my money as I invested in pensions and other policies for my retirement and my children eventually...but what about the here and now!! So no, I want the lust, the desire, the passion in my life too, for if I miss out on it then I have a heart attack at 60 like my grandfather then I didnt enjoy my life when I could! As you say LIFE IS TOO SHORT, enjoy it.

For me I finally told my wife last night I wanted to leave. Wow do I feel a git now, but I have to move on, I am dragging us all down.

So to your situation. You seem just as confused as I am for different though similar reasons. My only advice remains, as it did before, that if you are not sure, then it cant be right can it? Surely only if you were 100% sure you wanted the married life back with your husband, accepting he may change a little but is unlikely to change a lot, could you dispel all the issues that caused you to leave 1st time around? Good luck whatever you do, keep talking coz like you said, it does help a lot putting it in writing.
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Old 4th September 2006, 12:24 PM   #13
fisherman
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Re: Should I go back?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Browneyedgal View Post
I think that after all this time if you find that you can’t get back to the man you once were and you truly know and feel that your feelings for your wife have totally diminished and evaporated, then in my opinion you should make a move and find out for yourself if you are making a mistake or not. No, sympathy for one’s spouse is certainly not a foundation for a good marriage. But life is too short not to be happy and I wish you the best.

Browneyedgal,

This paragraph could not have been worded better! I think I am very much at the stage where I have to find out for myself, maybe the grass isnt greener but I know I am a stubborn bugger and will not be convinced by words...lets face it sometimes the grass is greener...your sisters second marriage for example????

This whole grass is greener thing amuses me a bit. Yes we must take the whole picture into consideration but you said it, life is too short! This brings me to a comment about Liz's reply. ''how important s a lively sex life in 10/20 years time''.

Its a fair point but for me life should be for living now and not about the future...another way in which my thinking has altered. My whole life since leaving school has been about the future...not enjoying my money as I invested in pensions and other policies for my retirement and my children eventually...but what about the here and now!! So no, I want the lust, the desire, the passion in my life too, for if I miss out on it then I have a heart attack at 60 like my grandfather then I didnt enjoy my life when I could! As you say LIFE IS TOO SHORT, enjoy it.

For me I finally told my wife last night I wanted to leave. Wow do I feel a git now, but I have to move on, I am dragging us all down.

So to your situation. You seem just as confused as I am for different though similar reasons. My only advice remains, as it did before, that if you are not sure, then it cant be right can it? Surely only if you were 100% sure you wanted the married life back with your husband, accepting he may change a little but is unlikely to change a lot, could you dispel all the issues that caused you to leave 1st time around? Good luck whatever you do, keep talking coz like you said, it does help a lot putting it in writing.
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Old 4th September 2006, 03:59 PM   #14
Numb
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Re: Should I go back?

Fisherman
I can understand you feeling awful about telling your wife you want to leave. I know when my wife told me she wanted us to separate it tore her apart. To finally get it out there, for your wife to finally hear what you have been contemplating for sometime will have been difficult for you but so much more difficult for your wife to take.
I guess now you have done it, as much as there must be some relief and forward looking, there will also be some anxiety. Can I just suggest that you give yourself the time to understand the full impact? It is only now that you will begin to discover if you have done the 'right' thing but some time to decide if it is what you really want.
I assume now that you have told her that you will be moving out. Do that as quickly as you can. Otherwise it will only prolong the agony for your wife. I know in my situation, once my wife had told me, I should have just moved out. Anywhere. Family or friends couch. Anywhere. The pain of 'living' with her after I knew was unbearable.
I am not sure what you hoped to find out there. Generally life is pretty boring most of the time. And all those smiley faces that were mentioned previously, aren't always smiley! But I sincerely hope you find it. In the same breath though, don't burn any bridges just yet. I speak from experience. Where as previously my wife was adamant about her decision and very cold in her approach to me, she is now holding out the olive branch to me. It is never too late to go back as long as both parties want that.
I do agree though that life is too short. I have the upmost respect for my wife coming to her decision and having the guts to follow it through. I came to a similar decision 3 years back but never went through with it. I am relieved I didn't. I had been happy a content over the next 3 until my wife dropped her bombshell.

I wish you good luck. Please keep posting so we know how you are getting on. As much as this is your decision, it will still be very hard for you to get through.
Good Luck
Numb

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Old 4th September 2006, 05:28 PM   #15
fisherman
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Re: Should I go back?

Thank you Numb, I will keep you posted but a word to browneyedgal....I must apologise, I seem to have hijacked your thread, this subject was about you not me!

Very sorry
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