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Old 17th May 2011, 11:30 AM   #196
Sillyman
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Re: What can I do?

Hi Forever,

Why don't you have a good feeling about the holiday?

SM
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Old 17th May 2011, 02:16 PM   #197
Forever
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Re: What can I do?

Well, she is wanting you to get your stuff out of the house now and indicated that she didnt want it there because sge felt like she could not move forward.

Unless she is determined that you and she will be doing the vacation for the sake of your daughter, it seems logical that she may find a reason to back out of it. I think it is odd that she would even want to go under the circumstances.
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Old 17th May 2011, 02:56 PM   #198
Sillyman
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Re: What can I do?

Forever,

Yes, I see your point. She is very honourable and has said all along that she's willing to go. I don't know, maybe she feels it's just going to be a nice break where we can have some fun with our little one.

Suppose the next few weeks will tell me whether she wants to back out.

SM
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Old 20th May 2011, 02:15 PM   #199
Sillyman
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Re: What can I do?

Hi all,

Hit me this morning that there is absolutely nothing I can do. My marriage is over.

SM
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Old 21st May 2011, 08:40 AM   #200
Raymond
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Re: What can I do?

Is there someone else or is it that she cannot bring herself to trust you anymore?
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Old 21st May 2011, 09:30 AM   #201
Sillyman
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Re: What can I do?

I don't think there's anyone else. I just don't see any change in her despite all I've tried to do.
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Old 21st May 2011, 01:31 PM   #202
Helen_uk
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Re: What can I do?

Hi SM

It can take a long time to rebuild trust when broken , however if your wife is determined to end the marriage then there really is nothing much you can do except what you have been doing.

I'm not sure she is fully aware of what being a single parent entails , and being divorced and managing alone both financially and emotionally is a whole different ball game to the situation she has now where you're still trying.

You've tried the no pressure route, maybe it's time to sit down with her and talk about the reality of divorce, the permanency of it and the reality of the financial situation once it's done ?
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Old 21st May 2011, 07:26 PM   #203
Sillyman
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Re: What can I do?

Helen,

I know we're still in the throes of anger and upset. It's hard on her and she's protecting herself.

I'd love to sit down with her and discuss this properly - but emotion is still in the way.

I'm hoping reality will hit home at some point soon so we can stop this getting any worse. I don't want to go back to where we were - the relationship was difficult, mostly because of my thoughtlessness.

Three months of consideration has really made me realise how stupid I was - with the EA and not appreciating what I had more.

I wish I could get past the protective wall my wife has built around herself and tell her how I feel - not in an emotional way, just because that's the way it is.

I will have to keep on doing what I'm doing for my sanity and my daughter's comfort and safety.

Just hope my love is noticed after the pain subsides.

SM
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Old 21st May 2011, 07:45 PM   #204
Helen_uk
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Re: What can I do?

I think you're doing all the right things.... but it's a shame she can't find it in her heart to forgive you and give you the chance to put things right.

Of course your daughter has to be put first , but when you still have so much love for your wife and she is so determined it's over , inevitably your daughter is going to suffer..... simply because she doesn't have mummy and daddy there all the time.

I'm just thinking that maybe your wife hasn't given much thought to what being alone is like in reality . You know her best though so maybe best not to push that.
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Old 24th May 2011, 11:54 AM   #205
Sillyman
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Re: What can I do?

Dear all,

I've been reading up about the stages of going through a break-up.

I think I'm definitely in the denial stage - although the grief has taken over today. I know people talk of the 'black dog' following them, it's hanging off my neck today.

I don't know how much longer I can stay in denial about this break-up. I'm trying so very hard to show my wife I love her when I see her - just doing things to make her life easier and give her space.

And sometimes I feel anger about it - why won't she let me in and bring down the wall that's there between us? I miss her, she's my best friend, but I know she's asking how someone who loves her so much can be so unthinking about their actions and act in such a way when they do actually love her.

I suppose I have to hang in there and just keep doing what I'm doing.

And the worst thing is I'm 40 years old and still want comfort from my mum. She's been away (world cruise with my dad) for seven weeks - she's back soon, but I miss her counsel, even though it's often not what I want to hear.

I just wish this pain would go away.

SM
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Old 24th May 2011, 12:00 PM   #206
1heartbrokenlady
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Re: What can I do?

SM

I don't know what to say, other than I am thinking about you a lot.

I do hope that your wife is able to forgive and move on. You are trying hard to put things right, i can see that. May be you're trying a little too hard...I know that at the times I didn't hear from my H, I thought a lot about what I'd lost and longed for him. Sometimes we need to feel that loss.

sending you warmest thoughts and hugs, Sy
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Old 24th May 2011, 12:11 PM   #207
Sillyman
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Re: What can I do?

Sy,

I don't think she is feeling any loss because the only difference for her is she's not sharing a bed with someone. I'm there to look after my daughter when my w is at work, and she knows I'm just a text away and can be there in minutes.

I've read all about 'doing a 180' and acting happy and with a 'who cares' attitude when I'm around her. But that doesn't seem to be having any effect.

I know I'm missing our relationship but I don't want it to be as it was - I'd love to start again with a clean slate and work at this. We all deserve a chance - especially my daughter.

Thankfully my business is picking up so I have other things to keep me occupied.

I think my mindset is also after a quite weekend - I get four days off (Frida, Saturday, Sunday, Monday) once every four weeks - which has given me way too much time to think. Glad to be back in a proper routine.

It's hellish.

SM
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Old 31st May 2011, 02:48 PM   #208
Sillyman
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Re: What can I do?

Dear all,

An update for you. As far as I'm aware my wife is still coming on holiday - although when I mentioned it last week she said she hoped it would 'go away' if it wasn't mentioned. Less than a fortnight to go now - so I'm hoping she hasn't changed her mind.

We had a 'talk' last week where she said she is still very hurt by my actions and hasn't changed her mind. In a way that is a comfort - indifference would be much worse.

All else is the same. I'm not as down about it as I was, and am still hoping for that miracle that will see us reconciled, although I know that is becoming less likely as time passes.

Since I am not going anywhere and have my daughter to care for a few times a week, I can only see the status quo remaining as it is.

There's little else I can do but keep at it and hope she changes her view of me.

SM
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Old 31st May 2011, 05:59 PM   #209
Raymond
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Re: What can I do?

I think you have to play it right on the holiday SM especially as she has hoped that it will go away.

You need to make it a happy time if you can without any pressure. Hopefully a few special memories can happen. I think just to be a family on holiday will mean something without any digging unless she brings it up herself.
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Old 1st June 2011, 08:57 AM   #210
Sillyman
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Re: What can I do?

Hi all,

Thanks for the reply Raymond. I know it's all about making a good impression and having fun without any pressure or expectation from me.

I'm sure my wife is expecting some heavy emotional experience with me trying to push her into agreeing to give me another chance - but that's a gift she'd have to give rather than something I can expect.

But I think she'd need a heart of stone to ignore the joy my daughter will have seeing her parents together, and I won't act in such a way that makes it stressful for anyone and removes my daughter's happiness. I hope this might give my wife at least a small insight into what's being lost.

It's gonna be a great time - but I'm already fearing the come down after we get back. Saying goodbye afterwards will kill me, I know that, but I have to be strong.

SM

Last edited by Sillyman; 1st June 2011 at 09:59 AM.
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