Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 29th May 2011, 10:36 PM   #16
MeAsWell
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 16
Re: How should I proceed?

Sorry just wanted to add ... I'm not an idiot and blaming myself .. he made a very stupid choice and the responsibility for it and the fallout is squarely on his shoulders.

I just need to recognise my part in the breakdown of our marriage if we have any hope of moving forward.
MeAsWell is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th May 2011, 09:25 AM   #17
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: How should I proceed?

Sammie mentioned him getting rid of her picture. I thought of that before but never said it. I think that is very important. If he cannot do that one wonders what his commitment is.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th May 2011, 09:27 AM   #18
sammie38
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 43
Re: How should I proceed?

Hi Sarah

I think a lot of men are the same, they will take some blame for their indiscretion but they think that if they're over it, then we should be too. I think it's always easier for the person who made the mistake to move on, than it is for the one who has been cheated on. Does that make sense?

I'm a hundred times better than I was six weeks ago but still not completely over it, I think that will take a long time yet but I have to deal with that in my own way. These forums have definitely helped me, even if you don't agree with what other people say, it's good to read other peoples' opinions. My mother-in-law knows what happened, but apart from that I have only told 4 people at work and only 1 that I talk to about it. It's difficult cos everyone I work with knows him too and despite what he's done, I don't want them to think badly of him!

He is seeing this woman on Tuesday, and I've told him to give her the book back, if he doesn't then I might burn it! Thankfully, the way that he talks about her now is exactly what I want to hear. He has no time for her, despises the way she has used him to get what she wants work wise and can't wait her for to leave the job she's doing at the end of June. After that time, I will make him delete all her contact details from his phone and his computer as he will have no need to talk to her then.

Hope things look up for you soon. Take care.

Sam
sammie38 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th May 2011, 09:44 AM   #19
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: How should I proceed?

When trust has been broken, it can take many many months or years to get that back. The cheating one has not had their trust broken, so they have no trust to rebuild.
There is no way you can be expected to get over this and move on in a few weeks.

Sammie, if he HAS to see her, then he needs to make sure that they are never alone together.If he doesnt give the book back then buy him a copy and then he will have to throw it away(or you can lol)
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th May 2011, 11:02 AM   #20
Chamomile
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
Re: How should I proceed?

Hi

I should think, besides the marital side of things e.g. cut him some slack after his affair, the important thing is, ask yourself, did he do this just for once or would he do it again (or had he done this before?) ? They say (or in some study), men wouldn't let the opportunity pass there's a woman 1) he likes her 2) he finds her attractive, offering s** to him.
Cutting some slack for him, is probably helpful to maintain marital peace but if he's still scheming to have another if he gets his chance..then it would be only a matter of time.
Also, if you had an affair, do you think your h would cut you some slack? I somewhat think a man would be far more persistent in the line of questioning....

I also think that it would be inaccurate to think he just did it for "fun". To men, s** is a heavily emotional event. I think they also tend to choose the type of women they go for. It's not a random act of chance, as if "anyone would do" it. They do appear to choose whom they really want. That's one of the reason "I" personally don't want any affair. It's not just "fun", there's so much more.

MAS I had a school friend who had her Arabic background; her Mum was R.C.German. Saw her whole family, a big family. I'm sure things can be worked out if you two want the marriage to continue. When you say, you are "insecure". If you have any counselling opportunity, it might be worth getting. I realize how important to talk to someone outside my own marriage and counselling did help. Good luck!!! xxxx
Chamomile is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th May 2011, 11:12 AM   #21
Chamomile
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
Re: How should I proceed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
When trust has been broken, it can take many many months or years to get that back. The cheating one has not had their trust broken, so they have no trust to rebuild.
There is no way you can be expected to get over this and move on in a few weeks.

Sammie, if he HAS to see her, then he needs to make sure that they are never alone together.If he doesnt give the book back then buy him a copy and then he will have to throw it away(or you can lol)
Chosen, I agree. He's the one who's in control (as usual) and knows exactly how and what happened in his affair. He wants his w to stay outside of his "personal affair" when w's confidence in him had been shattered to pieces. After all, he may still enjoy some part of the experience as his "naughty" secret and that is strictly his. He doesn't want to share (why should he?) Whether he wants to have another fling or not, it does not need to involve any third party's consent, including his w. It seems that's just how a man operates, in my own experience. If I had a fling myself, he would make far more fuss over it for sure! lol

Probably, the book had been given to him as a gift (as a possibility)? why bother having another copy, it's still the same book to bring back the memory of her (?!) Just burn it xxxx
Chamomile is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th May 2011, 12:23 PM   #22
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: How should I proceed?

Chamomile
You have some good thoughts, but I cant agree that all men would have sex with another woman given the opportunity. I know many men who would never do this no matter what the temptaion (including my husband). If men have storng boundaries with the opposite sex then this can be avoided.
Women can also be very bad moral wise, and will delieratly go after married men, just to show that they can. Its so sad.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th May 2011, 05:43 PM   #23
Chamomile
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
Re: How should I proceed?

Chosen, Yes, I'd like to think so, too.
There are decent men, that is for sure.
I was referring to men who may have a tendency to stray or had strayed previously. Thank you for letting me clarifying
xxx
Chamomile is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th May 2011, 06:08 PM   #24
MeAsWell
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 16
Re: How should I proceed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Sammie mentioned him getting rid of her picture. I thought of that before but never said it. I think that is very important. If he cannot do that one wonders what his commitment is.
He got rid of all her pictures Raymond .. it is some pictures of himself (which she took on a day out) that he refuses to get rid of. He says they mean nothing to him regarding her and he just likes the pictures of himself ... he is very self absorbed.
MeAsWell is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th May 2011, 06:46 PM   #25
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: How should I proceed?

Oh sorry MAW I thought she was in it as well. That is not so bad if she is not in it.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th May 2011, 06:59 PM   #26
MeAsWell
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 16
Re: How should I proceed?

Oh well it's over.

He called just after I posted the above and during the conversation I talked about our agreement to not hide anything from each other but he still has pics and videos hidden from me on FB.

He just got stroppy and said he was ending the call.

Clearly he is not prepared to work at this and just wants to pretend nothing is wrong.

I sent a text to say its finished and he replied "ok".

Amazing how your whole world can turn upside down in the space of a heartbeat.
MeAsWell is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th May 2011, 07:55 PM   #27
1heartbrokenlady
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 110
Re: How should I proceed?

Dear MAW

I've just read your thread. I know exactly how you're feeling, it is unbelievably hard, and so very painful. I'm thinking about you x
1heartbrokenlady is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th May 2011, 08:32 PM   #28
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: How should I proceed?

Hi measwell
In view of his quick agreement when you said "its over," do you think that maybe he is still seeing her? It just seems strange that if he ended it and wants you back, that he isnt fighting more and trying to regain your trust.
I think that if this isnt the end, he needs to come off facebook altogether. It can be so damaging for marriages.

have you heard from him since you sent the text? I am not a supporter of trying to mend a marriage through texting. It needs to be done face to face, and maybe with a counsellor.

Last edited by chosen; 30th May 2011 at 08:39 PM.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th May 2011, 08:34 PM   #29
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: How should I proceed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chamomile View Post
Chosen, Yes, I'd like to think so, too.
There are decent men, that is for sure.
I was referring to men who may have a tendency to stray or had strayed previously. Thank you for letting me clarifying
xxx
yes I do know what you mean, because my father was a womaniser who may well have had sex with women who offered it, and did have affairs.
I am just glad that ther are some good men around with good moral values.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th May 2011, 08:41 PM   #30
sammie38
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 43
Re: How should I proceed?

Hi Sarah

Can I ask what sort of videos and pictures he's hiding on FB? If you can see them, has he given you the password or did you know it anyway? Sorry for all the questions, just trying to get an idea of what he's playing at.

Chin up hun, don't give up just yet.
sammie38 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 12:11 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer