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Old 20th June 2011, 09:17 PM   #1
Debi
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Why does my husband hurt me?

I have a long-term problem which comes to a head every so often, but I need some insight into what causes and why I react to it the way I do.
The problem is this, I have been married for 30 years, throughout this time my husband has preferred a separate social life. Before children he would be often be out but we also went out together but rarely with others. About 10 years after we met we ended up working for the same firm and therefore I knew his work friends as they were people I socialised with as well. These are the group of friends he still has (the only friends).,thought the firm has now closed. Since children (now 14 and 18) my social life was limited but we still made a effort to go out together.
4 years ago after a family day out we returned home and said he was going to Nick's party, Nick a member of the work group lives in the next road. I asked in a friendly way if I was invite, I was told I was not and off he went, I was very upset . By chance I had a new friend who turned out to be Nick’s niece, she asked me if I had attended Nick’s party I told her no and why not, she then brought this up with Nick, of course it wasn’t Nick who didn’t want me to attend, he said he did get fed-up with me because he had a party every year and in 13 years I had only been twice, I had been invited but my husband would say that I was busy and attend by himself. The following. year Nick asked me personally and I attended. I did feel uncomfortable as old work colleagues said things like ‘Hey Hello stranger why do you never come out etc.’
There are other social events but again I’m not invited to many, including ones were others bring partners. After one another Linda an ex work colleague said to me, Deborah I’ve just realised something, all this time we thought you were being anti-social Robert would say you didn’t want to attend an event but you really did want too didn’t you,
We had a massive row about this but the only thing to change is that I now feel embarrassed about joining in with the group. One event is the last day of every month and Robert organises it, by sending an email to about 50 people, only 5 or 6 turn out after a row he included me on the email list but went out without saying anything to me about going and Robert even puts ‘Robert out’ in the diary in January for the lat day of each month. I just don’t feel welcome. I am now not invited to anything. Robert doesn’t tell me he is thinking of going to an event he just puts it in the family diary, as Robert out at 7o‘clock. A month a go I looked through his desk to see if I can find out where he was going, I found two tickets for a special event. I moaned to a friend about this and by chance she said she was going with a group of friends and way didn’t I join them. So I bought ticket and put that I would attend the event in the family diary. When Robert notice this he said ‘oh are you going to that show as well, Yes I said who are you going with, ‘Linda the work friend. I said I was going to town early to see an exhibition first , He and Linda were going later, I was delayed and I suspect we might be getting the same train, I then hear him ring her to delay their journey, When I got to town I waited at the station to see if the caught the next train but they didn’t. I went to the concert and felt very uncomfortable that my husband was sitting with another woman, (though I don’t think they are having an physical affair) on the opposite side of the concert hall. I didn’t even meet up with my friend as I felt so upset. This friend by the way was a work mate of my husband in a firm before me joined my firm, she said to me that Robert keep me a secret and didn’t invite me to events when others brought their partners. She said she wondered if I was a bit dull, stay at home type but of course I’m not! When I first met her about 5 years ago she had a big party and we were both invited Robert said’ what she invited you for‘
In the last 2 years my husband and this woman have been going on regular dates, walks in the country and pub lunches - some of which I have been invited to and some he has kept secret from me. We have spoken about this I have told him I am unhappy about this and have asked /told him he must ask me to things if he has asked her. I’m not talking about men only events as I have girls nights out but he should not be spending time on his own with her and not taking me out. Since then he has usually asked me but not on a couple of occasions including going away with her for a weekend, with other people but he didn’t ask me and he didn’t tell me she was going. Even if I am invited in the future I don’t want to go with them as they may talk about the previous events they’ve been to together that I’ve been excluded from.
Having said that my husband and I are going on a summer holiday together no kids and no Linda, but I don’t know what to make of that/
The last time we 3 all went out together was to an event they had booked tickets to some time ago before this agreement. They sat in the front row of the theatre and I sat on my own a few rows back. I felt very upset and embarrassed to see my husband sitting with another woman with me on my own. To cap it all there was a spare seat next to her but I could not bring myself to go and sit next to her, and needless to say neither of them invited me to join them. My husband could not understand why I was upset and didn’t want to walk home with them.
I have a good social life I’ve made new friends through sport and the internet but what I haven’t got is couple friends which most people of my age seem to have, because he has his social circle and I have mine.
H doesn’t like meeting new people and trying new things, but I used to ask him. Since finding out that he has excluded me I’ve done more and more things on my own and nor invited him so we are in a vicious circle.
What I can’t understand is why he keeps doing this?
And how I can stop why I feeling jealous?
How can I get him to put me first?
On a physical level she is much older than us and physically disabled and I am slim and quite attractive, if that makes any difference?
When I've asked him why he behaves the way he does, he denies it.
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Old 20th June 2011, 10:15 PM   #2
1aokgal
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Re: Why does my husband hurt me?

Hi Debi..

You are right to be upset about your husbands' secret outings where you are clearly excluded. His behavior tells you that he values the company or others over his wife. He also has indicated to friends that you prefer not to attend and he goes without you. That is a lie because you would like to go. That behavior is not acceptable in this marriage.

I question his reasons for doing this and sitting with another women while he left you to sit elsewhere. If this woman was not older and handicapped I would wonder if there is more than friendship. It seems he is putting distance between you and that needs an explanation. Tell him if you go out then you will BOTH go together. If he insists to go without you then I would tell him you will drop by at the event and stay by his side. If that doesn't get a response then suggest to him the door will be locked when he returns. He owes you an apology and an explanation.

On a personal level, I would buy a nice new outfit and go out with your friends without him. "What is good for the goose is good for the gander", they say. He would not like this either. Maybe he needs a shock.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 20th June 2011 at 11:51 PM.
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Old 20th June 2011, 10:25 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: Why does my husband hurt me?

Hi debi
An incredible story. How can he deny that he regularly goes out with another woman alone when he does it all the time?. You seem ok for him to do this, as long as he does things with you as well, or sometimes invites you. It should be the other way around, that he goes out with you and that maybe you occasionally invite her.
That senario when you went with them and they sat togrther and you sat a few rows back is bizarre. I cant believe it actually happened.

Perosnally you have Very very good reason to be jealous. This relationship is clearly wrong and totally innapropriate. I cant believe that you have acepted it for so long.
We have clear boundaries about such things, and going out on what are actually 'dates' with a member of the opposite sex is something that neither of us would ever do, or even comtemplate. It may well be that they are having an affair, or at the very least a very innappropriate relationship, with this lady, but the only way that it will stop is if you put your foot down.The fact that she is older or disabled doesnt mean that he isnt interested in her that way, we can all be attracted to all sorts of different people.

Have you spoken to this lady about her wrong relationship with your husband? If not then maye you need to. I just cant believe that she thinks its OK to go out alone with another womans husband, and even sits with him while his wife is a few rows back. Maybe this has been happening for so long that you sort of think you have to accept it, and cant actually see what is happening here, but to me this is so wrong that I cant believe it.

Something needs to be done and hopefully with support from this forum you will have the strength to stand up to this terrible behaviour.

His lying about you not wanting to go out is also very wrong. What has he got to hide that he doesn't want you there? Maybe some good marriage counselling would help him to see how wrong he is being, but it may take time as it has been going on for so long.

Last edited by chosen; 21st June 2011 at 05:34 PM.
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Old 21st June 2011, 01:04 PM   #4
Chamomile
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Re: Why does my husband hurt me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Debi View Post
On a physical level she is much older than us and physically disabled and I am slim and quite attractive, if that makes any difference?
When I've asked him why he behaves the way he does, he denies it.
Hi
Well, Debi, I don't particularly think physically disabled or any older women are generally less attractive than able-bodied and younger females. It sounds more like you are passing a very derogatory claim that disabled and older women aren't as attractive (as you). I'm raising this because that is a very discriminatory comment you are making, to be honest..
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Old 21st June 2011, 08:27 PM   #5
1aokgal
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Re: Why does my husband hurt me?

I'd call it an accurate description and a way to picture her to us here . The description says it seemed this woman was a remote possibility for an affair....more likely, an acquaintance. She gives us here a description as she sees it. Her observation does not come across as derogatory, just fact. The woman was no beauty, as a cover girl type, so what is with this guy? The fact the woman was a "regular person" may have caused more self doubt for this young wife to wonder WHY the man would treat his wife so shabbily to blow off a wife for a friend or acquaintance.

This wife tries to trust her intuition. Her gut reaction says he cuts her out of his outings and lies about it. Obviously there is something very wrong in the marriage to treat his wife like a stranger?

I might also understand the situation if he was ashamed to introduce/take his wife because of something wrong with her out of the ordinary. (She doesn't fit in with friends by age, education or whatever) he might select as reason to behave so badly. There seems little rational explanation that he is insensitive to what he is doing to his wife by this. I also wonder if he might be older than the wife by a lot or she is foreign born and he feels she does not fit in with his "good" friends.

Poor lady, she must confront that OAF and ask what can he be thinking. Let's not beat up on her for her choice of words to describe the other woman. She is saying she is young and attractive and he still prefers another. Her self confidence is shaken. That woman could be a spider latching on to a bored young husband.
That scene is hard to understand in any case.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 21st June 2011 at 10:34 PM.
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Old 21st June 2011, 09:18 PM   #6
1heartbrokenlady
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Re: Why does my husband hurt me?

Yes, I agree. It sounds like the lady is feeling very insecure, threatened and hurt by the situation, all totally understandable. Her H's is behaviour isn't on at all.

I too felt that I 'compared' myself to the OW, both physically and in terms of character/personality etc. To my mind such feelings are part of feeling betrayed, hurt, and bewildered by the situation.

D, I hope that you find some comfort from all of us on here. There are some smashing people who will be understanding and supportive.

Wishing you the very best.
hbl
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Old 21st June 2011, 09:28 PM   #7
Debi
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Re: Why does my husband hurt me?

Thanks for your responses I'm sorry that some viewed my remarks as derogatory, I just wanted to give you the picture that my rival is not a gorgeous young girl, the woman is 10 years older than both of us who are in our early 50's, her disability is MS which is in remission and I suspect some mental health and alcohol related problems.
Yes the incident in the theatre really did happen on the 14th May this year, and I can't believe it happened either!
I need to read through other aspects of the posts again......
Debi
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Old 21st June 2011, 09:30 PM   #8
Debi
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Re: Why does my husband hurt me?

Oh and by the way we are of similar backgrounds in terms of race, education and employment
Debi
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Old 21st June 2011, 10:38 PM   #9
1aokgal
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Re: Why does my husband hurt me?

Debi..

All the more a puzzle that you are age, race, employment, etc as the friends. Watch out for sympathetic older women who might be a spider in disguise. Sorry to say this, Debi, but you are being too passive and a pushover for bad behavior.

Next time there is an outing for the two of them, just you make a huge hissyfit..yes, in front of her..and get it out. If there is something going on, as an inappropriate relationship..seems like it..then the air will get clear whether they like it or not. Also she has to be told where you stand on the outings. For sure if you do not that behavior will get more weird. Especially the overnight with others. You are unlike me because I would have been there with a bullhorn outside the door saying..let me in.

Go to it, girl, you have my permission to blow a cork loud and verbal over what is NOT going to go on with you sitting one place and them another. That is too bizarre for words. If it blows a negative wind, dear, better to know it then think it.

I will get drawn and quartered here for giving this advice , but I call it as I see it!

Hope things improve and DO have it out.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 21st June 2011 at 10:49 PM.
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Old 22nd June 2011, 12:34 AM   #10
Forever
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Re: Why does my husband hurt me?

1aokgal
You crack me up!

Okay this is how I see it. We often think that emotional affairs are only between men and women who are attracted physically to each other. NOT.

My ex had an emotional affair for years with his best buddy...it was not a sexual thing, yet it created a deep chasym between us. He would open up to this guy and share things which belonged only between the two of us...and most of his time was devoted to interests between them. This resulted in my being left out and balancing precariously on the sidelines of my husband's heart. I could not so much as pull a conversation from my own husband.

So what if "she" does not bed him down? She is enjoying an intimacy which belongs exclusively to this man's wife...it would not be so bad if Debi were included with open arms in the relationship, or was always at the very least given the option of being involved. Her husband is in the habit of excluding her emotionally and physically with that "harmless" OW now...what if he met someone else that really turned his head and continued giving himself permission (by habit and default) to get involved...but in a more romantic way?

I think they need to explore what went wrong in their relationship (besides Debi's being too passive) that her hubby would prefer the company of everyone else at the exclusion of his wife....because he has been compartmentalizing his life to suit his own fancy all these years, and she has been letting him. It looks like their marriage is just about playing "roles".

Last edited by Forever; 22nd June 2011 at 12:58 AM.
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Old 22nd June 2011, 02:05 AM   #11
1aokgal
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Re: Why does my husband hurt me?

Forever...

You hit the right notes with your advice. True, an emotional connection with another is as bad as getting under the covers with them, if it takes the place of interaction and communication with his wife. One wonders..what has SHE got that he has not got at home?

Maybe admiration, conversation, interest, motivation, approval ? HMMM..there are many things we look to our spouse to fulfill. Might there be something missing this man finds in this woman he does not find at home? The quality of the communication between them has to improve so this subject is covered. Debi has passively let herself be put to the side.

If the TV has taken over life at home and there is little dialogue or interaction perhaps he seeks that need be met. They are going out to eat and different outings alone so things must be perking right along. That is worrisome! Time to test the waters on this subject. Debi, don't get blown off. Get some answers before the sun sets again.
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