Really need some advice this is bad

[heartbroken]

needless to say i am going to try to stay of facebook now it is only fueling arguements

[heartbroken]

well a bit of an update folks, i did manage to back off quite a bit tbh i had to it was killing me mentally and phyicilly, since then my wife had became slighty more receptive, but still was not 100%, and so on Saturday after she fired a barbed joke at me, i asked and she said she still was not happy ( being with me ) her unhappiness she shes at time is because she is with me, but i do nothing to make her unhappy, even though i have really given her lots of space but still living with her, all seemed good or may just have been for an easier life on her part but it did seem to be working up until then, last night was a bad one and i really brokedown something i hadnt done for a bit but i really could not control it, i feel really weak for being so in love with her and feel bad that i had not realised before just how much but i had been very very busy trying to rebuild our lives again and felt she would just know how much i loved her and presumed she did me.

This morning she seemed ok i suppose and agreed that she would again try but i have heard this so many times before i am doubtful, but i never prompted her and she said she would, she has been having a lot of headaches lately i really feel bad that she does, but she went to bed early this evening and after a short time i followed but with no intention of going to bed to go to sleep just to spend a little time with her before she feel asleep, i wished her a good nights sleep and said i love you to which she replied i love you too, i was kind of shocked but then she took it back and said i should not have said that, i was hurt but asked why she had taken it back her reply was i really really care for you, i tried to explain to not worry about saying she loved me and i would not think everything was all ok by her saying this, i kinda think she is scared to say to much to me in case she gets hurt but i offered some speel, i said that i realise she really cares for me and also think she does still love me but just not as much at the moment through resentment for wahtever the daily reason is ( it changes all the time lol ) i am off on holidays from work watching my youngest at home and know i will sit lonely as she works full time, yeah i know my son will be with me and to try to keep busy and take him places but all that serves to do is wish she was with us. She has said that things were getting better slowly and feels things maybe ok but and a big but she changes her mind all the time and i find it very hard to believe anything she is say by doing this which then in turn fuels insecurity on my part and an eventual discussion which is pretty one sided ( me ), i am starting to feel hopeless and am having some real dark moments even when lying next to her in bed with her back turned to me 99% of the time, i really cant go on living with her, loving her and not feeling it back the way it was but i can not bring my self to leave her or the kids, i know this all takes time but i feel i am being quite impatient considering i work nights and hardly see her. I do not want to continue without her at all, this is something i will not move on from if we do part which really pains me to say, i have from the start always tried to be a supportive , caring , loving husband and father and really did make my whole life about my family and wife, i have nothing else and i mean nothing else, the world seems different to me now and can not bare thinking of a future without her or the kids not at all or on a part time basis, so i choose to try not thinking about it but how do i continue in this state of insecurity and uncertainty while living with her while she tries or decides when the time is right.

[heartbroken]

I really can't take this anymore I can not just throw it all away even if she wants to she tells me what I want to hear the a day or so down the line tells me she does not its driving me nuts bigtime consider I have to stay here and look at the love of my life and see and feel it all go pairshaped I feel so rejected and unlove she says she cares but then have a very callous and uncaring attitude towards me , how can someone after 23 years get to this , the chopping and changing of her mind drives me crazy I can't take this cold strange person breaking my total being and then saying all will be ok this is impossible living with someone and also feeling like this I can't handle it , I can't just sit hear not telling her how if feel about her I feel lost

[heartbroken]

I can see no end to my pain it's like we are separating every other day and she does not care about the pain I am feeling how can this be , I have nothing without her nothing and don't want to move on ever , my life means nothing without her there I no point she is the reason I do everything, I feel like screaming, she has again left for work leaving me high and dry emotionlly without a care in the world while I sit without any sleep and on holidays from work I can't take this anymore

[Raymond]

I am wondering if there is someone else somewhere possibly at work or somewhere else that is affecting the affection she should have for you as a wife. Have we looked into this before?

She is behaving strangely and may also be influenced by this crowd on facebook who don't seem to have any respect for their husbands.

It seems that you are forced to have some kind of independence and not to be totally reliant on her for your needs. If things do break through no fault of your own you will need some independent strength of your own to survive. This is not a bad thing anyway as it is not attractive to a wife to be totally dependent on them. It is more of a partnership.

Having said this I do realise how devastating this is to you as the comittment and love always ought to be there in a good marriage and when this breaks down it is a tradgedy. I believe that something is turning her head and a bit of anger may be more in order than to be in danger of grovelling.

[heartbroken]

Really I am cracking up , I can not shut up everytime I am with her I feel I need to speak this out and can not understand Why we then end up arguing I just can not accept what she is saying , everytime I am with her now I can't shutup even though I know it ain't helping , she says she will try but I know she does not want to be with me deep down it's an impossible situation and she does not care , seriously I am losing the plot and all I want is for her to tell me all is ok , deep down I know she truly does not want this she told me often enough and me working nights creates a lot of distance between us so when we do spend time together she says she would rather I was not here , how can I build any bridges between us this way , I can not live elsewhere as I again feel this would create even more distance and make things a lost cause I know that by me leaving it would be the end and not give the usual usual effect of absence making the heart grow fonder , this would be what she calls timeout , I feel I am going to crack anytime

[heartbroken]

I feel I am having a breakdown. , I can not calm down and am super anxious mode

[heartbroken]

Anger is setting in but I refuse to let it consume me , my situ at the moment is I can't not believe her now when she tells me she will try it's just empty promises to shut me up I see that , even when I think it is working she tells me it's not so how can I feel secure and that my efforts are making the difference , I have told that she is a selfish person to think she can sell me this crock in order to buy time in order to arrange accommodation to make sure our kids will defo go with her. , as I said to her there is no guarantee that they will and if that is the only reason she is here as well as making that transition easier for her then that is selfish and calculating , if she truely is that unhappy then she would leave regardless but she does not want to live with a lesser lifestyle even it was for the short term as she is scared the kids will not follow. How selfish a person or am I wrong , she has wrecked our lives so many times before and never took the the responsibility for any of it instead uses denial and is very very good at blocking her emotions , all I am doing is trying to resolve for my kids sake and of course myself our relationship as I value our marriage but she does not want this and is now closed to the fact that this does actually work when she wants it to but of of course that is not a marriage that's selfish. I have said to her to leave as it can not go on this way anymore and as much as I pray and wish we could be together happy again while she is thinking like like this I will not stop being a loving caring and committed husband and will not feel bad because of it , I think the key word is want as because if you don't want then it's a lost cause when your in love I will and want to do anything for your spouse she has told me she does not want to.

[Raymond]

You must calm down HB. You cannot force a solution. Please take it easy for your health's sake.

[heartbroken]

R thanks for ur advice but this have went as far as I can take now , she has known for 2 years and is still thinking this way I did not even get a heads up while the damage was being caused she didn't even try to tell me she had plenty opportunity, I am only trying to let her know where she stands with me and all her fakeness to try to calm me down it's a crock , she must know that she can only be with me here if she is willing to make a go of it if not then leave. It will not work with only me trying I also know I am not helping but in the last 4 month I have learnt a lot about her that I never knew before I really must have been a fool in love , she has always caused probes but as I love her accepted all her faults as well as good points that's love and still could. But I can not sit in my own home feeling like I am a stranger and saying nothing or pretending I don't know what is going on when I do it's all in vain weeks have went by with not probes but she still says she is not happy, I have tried to tell her that I can not make her happy with herself on happier or happy that she is with me. I don't understand any of this anymore nor care about what my life will be without her.

[1heartbrokenlady]

Hello hb

I have just read through your thread.

I know that feeling that you talk about, when you sense that there's more to this than your w/h is letting on.

I don't want to upset you further, but from what you say about the way in which your wife is behaving, I would say that she is either strongly contemplating an affair with someone, or is already sharing some kind of intimacy with someone else. I don't know if you've read through my thread, but there are similarities. It all happened rather quickly in our case, I knew that something wasn't right at all, very quickly (within a couple of weeks), and had found out, got proof, and booted my H out within a couple of days.

The fb thing is worrying, it may be that someone on there is showing your w some attention, and she's felt flattered by this. It seems to me, and i remember very clearly how my H just carried on doing it (fb), despite me feeling very worried and hurt. It was as if he was addicted to it in some way, it seemed he just couldn't stop going on there, he would do anything, say anything, or not do things (including not going to work) so that he could be on fb.

I know the pain you talk about all too well. However, don't allow your w to treat you like a doormat. Stand up for yourself. You won't regret it. No one else is going to do it for you, you have to stand up for yourself and to yourself at this time.

I wish you the very best hb,
take care, hbl

[heartbroken]

Thanks for your reply, my w has since stopped going on so much and also seldom even posts anything she no longer talks on chats to this person it was only a couple of times but still hurt , by me telling her not to she rebelled and was stubborn, this no longer happens I am glad to say and that she realised it was hurting me hence why she stopped, I have today contemplated leave even though I don't want to. But I am thinking of asking my youngest he 12 now if he wants to come a decision of his own if he want as he and the love for my wife are the only reason I stay, I would never use them as leverage or force them.

[Raymond]

I have said the same as HB lady a few posts back. My post about remaining calm was before the one where you are a little more calm came on although the order is reversed.

Is she is not having an affair on facebook could it be on mobile or even in reality at work or somewhere? There seems to be something going on here.

[heartbroken]

My W says she is not happy and no longer loves me not because of how I am acting now she has felt like this for a while

[heartbroken]

Ian almost 100% sure there is no one else but of course I do think she is sometimes just paranoia, I have not seen anything that worries me , she was just making idle chit chat before nothing to worry about , her flipant moods or decision is as she says to shut me up and then later tells me the truth that she does not want nor love me which I find an odd thing for an adult to do , I am struggling here folks I really am cracking now