help needed- i'm heartbroken

[1heartbrokenlady]

chosen, to my mind my boy is still very young. I too, and my H aswell I would imagine behaved in this way to some degree when he was younger. To my mind it's part of growing up - i guess that most of us go through such times.

It is hard though, but I remember my mother trying to tackle me on similar matters (many years ago, i might add)! Sometimes she managed to get through to me, and other times not. I simply grew out of it, and found my feet myself. I'm hoping that this happens for my son too.

Many thanks
hbl

[Raymond]

It seems like your husband has forfeited some of his sons respect by his affair. Whilst this has been put right with you and you have forgiven there is still an after taste as far as he is concerned. He will not be mature enough to process this temporary unfaithfulness just like that. You will have to set the example here by showing your husband respect. His authority would have been undermined a bit and he needs to be careful in any criticism. There might be a place for him to apologise to his son for hurting you asking for his forgiveness.

I do understand about teenagers lying in. My son came home from Uni last Friday and seems to live on a much later shift. I have to bite my tongue in not criticising this. He has to feel at home here and it is possible to close off a young person to one's constructive advice if we are not careful. I do have faith that he will not waste his life. He is reading a book at the moment called Psychotic Inertia so he does think about things and is aware of what can happen. Actually he is playing a guitar whilst I am writing this which is affecting my writing. I am not a doormat but need to get it right when I say something. Today he got up late again and my wife was going to drive him to his church but I told her not to and he had to cycle and be late. He needs to learn by his mistakes. sorry to go on about him but that is what I am experiencing just now. My wife is like you in that he can do no wrong but I do not want him to drift.

[chosen]

Believe it or not, teenagers do come through and actually become nice young people again. My advise to any parent of teenagers is to pick your fights, and dont nag about small things that really dont matter. All teenagers lie in dont they????

[Helen_uk]

I can't see the harm in allowing teenagers to lie in, all too soon they have to get jobs and get on the work treadmill like the rest of us . I've yet to meet a teenager who doesn't keep the same hours as a vampire !

Don't sweat the small stuff, they all grow out of it in the end....

HBL it's difficult being stuck in the middle like that , I have to say I can fully understand why your son feels the way he does . Your H has to earn his trust again and not throw his weight around. If he takes it a little more gently it's possible to rebuild their relationship but if he goes in all guns blazing your son is going to feel more and more resentful I think.

Your son is simply defending his mum and trying to protect you from being hurt again in his own way. It's a pity these cheating partners don't consider the harm they do the whole family before they go off and have affairs .

[Helen_uk]

Raymond , normally I would say parents need to stick together where discipline is concerned but in this case I disagree . HBL's son isn't the one who did anything wrong so I don't think her H can expect or demand respect, I think he needs to earn it.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by Helen_uk

I can't see the harm in allowing teenagers to lie in, all too soon they have to get jobs and get on the work treadmill like the rest of us . I've yet to meet a teenager who doesn't keep the same hours as a vampire !

Don't sweat the small stuff, they all grow out of it in the end....

HBL it's difficult being stuck in the middle like that , I have to say I can fully understand why your son feels the way he does . Your H has to earn his trust again and not throw his weight around. If he takes it a little more gently it's possible to rebuild their relationship but if he goes in all guns blazing your son is going to feel more and more resentful I think.

Your son is simply defending his mum and trying to protect you from being hurt again in his own way. It's a pity these cheating partners don't consider the harm they do the whole family before they go off and have affairs .

My thoughts exactly. Its only normal that this young man is so angry at the way his mum was treated. My children would be the same I am sure, in fact I doubt that they would ever want to live in the same house as him again, let alone be told off by him.
I think that he has forfeited any right to be respected or to be able to discipline them for a very long time to come. He needs to work hard at regaining any respect from them. He needs to build up a relationship with them, instead of telling them off for such small things(I mean what's wrong with a teenager lying in????), after the very BIG thing that he did. Sorry for being angry, but I am.
I echo the question that someone else asked. Has he sat down with the boys and appologised at the terrible way he acted and treated you all?
When you have an affair there are dire and long lasting consequenses,and he cant expect to just come swanning back and carry on as if nothing has happened.

[Raymond]

I do agree with the comments here. However we are looking and hoping for the relationship to heal between father and son. You have forgiven him Sy and made your peace. Your son however has to work it through in a different way. I think an apology from him to the son will go a long way. He has to see that and be careful of any presumptions about his authority. I still believe your respect of your husband will be a help in that although not the whole story. I have to hold back from petty criticism of my own son and I haven't hurt my wife.

The relationship has to be fully mended between your husband and your son/s and this might take a bit of time. There may be a measure of respect there from your son, I don't know, but it is obvious that this has been weakened a lot and needs to be repaired. He will need to get back to the place he was before the affair and this will take earning the respect as Helen has pointed out.

[1heartbrokenlady]

hello everyone

I have explained to my H the reason(s) why my son feels the way he does. At first my H was still in his hot head mode, and didn't appear to take notice. He was different again later on, gentle and understanding. I did get quite upset though as I explained to him how my son had done his best to take care of me and our little one when i wasn't so good. I told him that my boy had seen my at my worst, and that this must've been very hard for him. He did incredibly well the way in which he stepped up to the mark during that time. He loved and cared for our little boy, and comforted him as a father would. I told my H that he should be thanking my boy for caring for me and our little man through what has been a very difficult time.

My H has been better with him since then, much more gentle. I have yearned for this quietness and calm for such a long time. What we take for granted for so long, such as simple quietness and calm, is a joy to have returned.

BTW I have heard that the OW is now telling the world how hurt she is. She's been posting this information on fb. No mention at all of her poor H and children, and how they've been feeling, just all about her. I do feel angry at this but haven't and won't react/respond in any way. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

hbl

[chosen]

Thats good hbl that your husband has some understanding now of the effect was of what he did.
Yes it does seem strange that she is complaining about being hurt, I mean what does she expect when she has an affair, especially with another married man. She did cause it, with your husband, so she only has herself to blame.

[1heartbrokenlady]

dear chosen

yes, that's exactly what i thought. I do try to think of things from the point of view of others, to put myself in their shoes. However, I do think that she was particularly brass necked and forward in the way she behaved. She was hateful towards me, she really didn't give a damn, and she laughed at me when i confronted her back in March. How on earth could someone laugh at another's distress is beyond me, especially when she was just as active as my H in starting the affair, and carrying it on as they did.

I know hurt, and I doubt very much that what she's feeling is true hurt. More like humiliation. This should be (in my opinion) overridden with feelings of shame and embarrassment, but it seems that there is no shame there at all.

I have learned from this that others aren't necessarily like ourselves. I guess I may have had a rather rose tinted outlook about the morals and behaviour of others before all this happened. I have been shocked.

hbl

[chosen]

hbl
yes that is a hard lesson to learn. Even after the many many terrible things that I have seen and experienced people doing to each other, I am still shocked to see it happen again. Maybe we are alike in that we hope that people will have the same moral behaviour and standards and conscience that we have, as you say.Still we need to carry on acting with integrity anyway, no matter what, and you have done this yourself. So WELL DONE.

[1heartbrokenlady]

dear chosen

yes, i expected that others are the same as I am. I have begun to think that I have had a sheltered childhood in some way. I was brought up by my mother, who was and is of straight and sound morals. I knew no different, and my sister too, she's the same as me. She has a job which involves working with the public, (social services)- goodness knows how she balances her moral grounding with the people/situations she encounters every day!

I forgot to mention... and this is strange. There has been a shift in the way my H seems to view his and the OWs affair. i have always referred to his relationship with the OW as an affair, and until very recently if it was mentioned he has said that it wasn't an affair. He doesn't say this now. It might sound ridiculous because i know that he had an affair, but i feel better now that HE acknowledges that it was in fact an affair (if that makes sense). Isn't it strange that he hasn't viewed or described it as that before. maybe it's because 'affair' sounds sordid, which of course it is. any thoughts, or is it me being hypersensitive!

sy

[chosen]

I think that people try to avoid the truth of what they have done, and make it out to be less serious than it was, but of course if any married person sleeps with another, it is an affair.I suppose that is why many will deny it for ages, until they are faced with evidence. Then some will try to deflect the blame onto the other spouse, and that is very wrong also.
Its good that he is finally admitting to what he has done, because how can there be true repentance unless he does that?

[1heartbrokenlady]

Hello everyone

update

I have been able to share the most dreadful things with you over the last few months. Something really lovely has happened and I wanted to share that with you too..

it was a special day for me yesterday. My H hadn't asked what I might like as a gift as he sometimes would, so I didn't really think about what he would do for my Bday. He surprised me. He gave me an eternity ring, I was so surprised. He has chosen such a pretty ring, it's beautiful. He also sent some flowers with a card and message by interflora. I was overcome as you can imagine. Such a lovely thought.

My goodness, how things change. I haven't stopped smiling, and yes there were a few tears, but nice tears!

Sy

[Raymond]

That's really wonderful Sally. I am really happy for you. May it long continue.