Was short love affair a shake up or something more?

[dopeep]

My marriage has had a few ups and down this year. Last Wednesday I returned home from work, my wife seemed happy and told me she is going to be a better wife from now on. She was asking about her mobile phone bill, which I manage for her. The following day (Thursday) I logged into her phone account to discover a large amount of txt messages only dating back about 3 days to a number I didn’t recognise. Later that evening I did some snooping around because I knew something wasn’t quite right, her password on Facebook had changed, as had her password on her phone. I switched on our iPad to discover a picture of a man she went to school with – looking him up on Facebook the telephone number matched the one from her phone bill. I then confronted my wife asking what is going on, she admitted she had met him on Wednesday for lunch, and they kissed afterwards. The 30+ txts she said were flirting etc and arranging to meet. Although she said she feels guilty I asked if this was the start of an affair and whether it would have gone further, her reaction was ‘I don’t know, maybe’.
This man has always liked my wife from school, is also married with kids and according to my wife wanted to meet again.
The next day (Friday) I took the day off work and we spent the day together talking, naturally I had lots of questions. That evening she told me that she had txt him that morning saying ‘don’t txt me’ again she deleted it. She then told me her excuse for this behaviour, that she enjoyed the attention from him and she wanted me to find out, to shake me up, she wanted a reaction. She wants us to fix things between us but obviously I am hurt and feel betrayed and have lost a lot of trust.
I would like the opinion of anyone else that has been a in a similar situation. Is she telling the truth, is the excuse her way of blaming me slightly and making herself feel better? I want to believe her, I want to fix things. I don’t want to be looking over her shoulder and watching her like a hawk, but there hasn’t really been closure on their very brief affair. And all txts and Facebook messages have been deleted so I will never know.
Any advice gratefully received.

[Helen_uk]

Would your wife have told you what had happened if you hadn't found out for yourself ? I doubt that very much, so I doubt that was the reason behind it.

She may very well have been feeling she needed more attention, but having an affair isn't the best way to go about getting your husband to notice you in a positive way !

Transferrance of blame is often used to excuse behaviours that make someone feel guilty, so by laying the (partial ) blame at your door means she can persuade herself it wasn't REALLY her fault....

If the marriage has problems, which from your wife's point of view at least , it seems it does then there needs to be lots of open and honest communication , along with some remorse on her part, no more secret passwords on Face Book or phone .

If it's more attention she wants then talk it over and see if there are perhaps some things you can do together that she feels were lacking, but as an adult she can't expect to be the centre of your attention at all times.

Has she apologised ? Shown remorse ?

Of course there are no guarantees the affair has ended , or that it won't happen again but your wife needs to learn how to ask if she feels something is lacking in the marriage and you need to be able to trust her for it to succeed. That takes work and communication.

[Chamomile]

Hi

Have you seen a website called, "facebookcheating" dot com?
There are relevant articles on that site, "divorces from social media sites like facebook on the rise", for example unless you had seen it already?

[chosen]

Its impossible for us to say what your wife did or didnt do, but its clear that she did act ina very wrong way, as did he. I am a great believer in strong boundaries with members of the opposite sex if you are married and she doesnt seem to have any. Many who do things like this do either deny it, or blame the other spouse, or make up why they did it.


She does need to cut off all contact with him, and come off those sites that can be so dangerous to marriages.

I hope that she is telling the truth, but saying that she did it to 'shake you up'(and I doubt that was the reason) seems very cruel.

[Chamomile]

Originally Posted by dopeep

My marriage has had a few ups and down this year. Last Wednesday I returned home from work, my wife seemed happy and told me she is going to be a better wife from now on.

Well, Chosen. If this woman is suddenly happy after seeing her old-time "beau", she must have a very low assessment of her own marriage!

[Helen_uk]

That was my thoughts too Chamomile , that's why I think they need a good old chat about their marriage.

[chosen]

many people have this sense of 'excitment' after meeting somemone else, and that is part of the attraction. Especially if it is hidden and secret. However it isnt real life, and no marriage can have that same feeling all the time. That doesnt neccessarily make it a bad marriage, just real life.

[1heartbrokenlady]

hello dopeep

i've just read your post and fully understand how you're feeling.

I doubt very much that your w was flirting and meeting with someone solely in order to get some kind of reaction from you. My guess is that your w wanted to meet with this guy for her own reasons, and indeed enjoyed the flirting and attention she got from him.

It is a very hard thing to hear, i know, let alone try to reason with.

The fact of the matter is that you found out. I wonder, would your wife have told you everything if you hadn't found out for yourself, i doubt it. I know from my own experience, my H wouldn't have told me if i hadn't found out myself. In fact he denied it when even when i had found out and had proof. Needless to say he looked and felt extremely silly when i confronted him with the hard facts. Feel free to read through my thread (interesting stuff)!

You know that your w has met with this man, you also know that they've been in contact on fb, by text and 'phone- all of these methods of communication would need information to be shared with one another, they both have given some information to each other in order to do this. Doesn't that say something? They both wanted to and had met up, and maybe would again.

I'd say to you, (and I know all too well that this is easier said than done) - stand up to your w, challenge her with the facts, and don't allow her and the OM to make a fool of you. You are not a fool, and don't deserve to be treated as such. However hard it is and however much you hurt, lay it on the line.

Your w may have already stopped contact with this man. However, if you 'allow' this kind of thing to go on without addressing it fully, (sweeping it under the carpet), then to my mind this is like saying 'it's okay', or 'it's not too bad'. But it is. It's unbelievably hurtful, very damaging and so very wrong.

I hope everything goes well for you. Keep strong.

hbl

[Chamomile]

I completely agree with Helen, Chosen & 1hbl.

Fb is a dangerous site creating more marital conflicts or creating "dating" opportunities for the not--so-unhappily-married ( e.g. a relatively happily married but "spark" is lost etc?)or/ and attached?. I agree with Chosen. People seemingly do it to escape from day-to-day humdrum or out of boredom. Maybe, even it's recreational? (and taboo/danger/taking risks appeals to certain personality?)

It seems there has been a constant stream of posts re. the FB casualties (not sure what else to describe this x).

[dopeep]

Thanks for all your messages.
I have since learnt that on the Friday morning after wife told me to stay home he txt her asking if she would like to go out for a country drive, she said she txt him back saying 'don't txt me' (as above) she has admitted that she actually said ' husband at home, don't txt me, I will txt you on monday'.
We have talked a lot over the past few days and she has said she doesn't want to continue this affair. She didn't txt him back on Monday. She said she wants to forget about it and move on.
Should I still be wondering after that txt message? And should I assume that there is a possibility this may continue in some form/at some later time?
She told me the contents of these txt messages after I said I have downloaded software that can retrieve them from the sim card. Her excuse, she wanted to protect me and didn't want to hurt me any further.
And yes, Facebook is a fantastic resource but sites like this are very dangerous.

[1heartbrokenlady]

hello dopeep

I really can't see how you're not going to be having doubts and looking over your shoulder. Such betrayal hits a very tender spot and it takes an awful lot of energy, emotion and time to put to right. It's not going to heal quickly, it's a long process, which takes time.

You say that your w has stopped the relationship with the OM and that she's told you that she's no longer in touch with him. However, she has told you things before which have turned out to be part truths. You have managed to force some information from your wife by telling her that you are able to check her SIM, but i doubt very much that she would've offered this information otherwise.

You desperately need proof that there's no further contact between the two of them, and without such proof, i'm sorry to say, you will feel insecure and will be looking over your shoulder. Unfortunately there's no easy answer to this. It takes time. Reassurance and transparancy on your w's part will help a lot. From my experience until my H got to the place where he wanted to and was willing to tell everything and allow me to openly check his mobile/what he'd been doing online etc. there really wasn't a jot of a chance that we'd be able to work things out.

You're doing the right thing, despite the hurt you're feeling you're able to think outside the bubble which is good.

Keep strong dp,
hbl

[Raymond]

Sally gives very good advice here having lived through it. She is saying it all for me. What we haven't heard from your wife is a sorry. Without any repentance how can the trust be re-built? I hope this comes forth eventually but so far she is giving what has been rung out of her. I think you will find that more needs to be worked out here even if she has stopped contacting him. You may need to take control and face up to him with a few home truths about contacting your wife if he persists.

Originally Posted by chosen

many people have this sense of 'excitment' after meeting somemone else, and that is part of the attraction. Especially if it is hidden and secret. However it isnt real life, and no marriage can have that same feeling all the time. That doesnt neccessarily make it a bad marriage, just real life.

Hit the nail on the head there chosen. It's a mix of boredom, excitement, opportunity, intrigue, and just getting away from the humdrum. With me it started totally innocently catching up with an old friend, then got silly, then flirty - no intention to hurt, just fill in a gap.

As I said on my own post - I wish could warn people against it, as the risks nowhere near outweigh the losses/rewards.

[32hh]

She feels bored and neglected. She wants to feel that PZAZZ you get at the start of a new relationship. She wants to feel like she's 18 again. You need to ask yourself why your wife might feel this way? If you can come up with reasons why, and address her problems, and try and recapture some excitement he will be far
less attractive! You need to talk,nothing else will help!

Hi dopeep. I agree 100% with Raymond that there appears to be an almost total lack of regret or apology here. She can justify it all she wants, but who is she justifying to? You or herself? I guess the important question here is has all trust in her now been lost? If it hasn't then unfortunately you are now the one with all the hard work to do of not only forgiving but forgetting too. Without an apology at least, thats going to be incredibly difficult. And as always, its the injured party that has to do the most. I feel for you I really do.

Has anybody actually seen Social Network and the basic reason behind its creation. Unless you are very strong you risk getting sucked in to the darker side. Been there, done that. Touch the devil.....you get burned.