Really need some advice this is bad

[Raymond]

She is acting disgracefully HB. Make no mistake about that. Anything to do with affairs or adultery is lethal in a marriage.

So the older son will go with her but the youngest son now 12 prefers to stay with you. He will be at school most of the day during the week. Is there any time you will have with him before you go to work? In a year or so, if not now, he might be able to manage at home and learn things to cope. He can always maintain contact with you by text if there are any problems. He could be pretty independent within a short time and may relish being able to survive and organise himself. It would be better than what he does now just sitting in his room on a computer. Is there room for a little flexibility in work hours to fit in a little more with him? The main thing is that you love him and that will come through whatever practical problems happen.

I think your wife will need to repent of these flings and affairs before you have her back but somehow I cannot see her doing that, but one never knows. It is a tragedy but one that doesn't need to swamp you. You are basically doing the right thing and will survive.

[heartbroken]

thanks R, i might be able to pick up a job during the day while he is at school and be home for him when he returns, the eldest well thats anyones guess he does seem to side with his mum by he is very very like her, i took a lot of insults from him today saying things like get over it etc i really cant believe his attitude towards me, this has been the case for many years with him.

I do think the youngest will not stay with me forever and am sure his mum will do everything in her power and some to take him from me, quite sad really, then he will be nurtured in the same way as his elder brother, at the moment he is a very well spoken well behaved boy and has never gave me any problems, a perfect son tbh.

I do now realise she is acting very badly but she can not see it at all and am sure she would have got deeper and deeper into what she deems as doing nothing.
She went to her work no probs today after spending the night at her mothers, now i aint saying she should be taking time off but this is her life too and i find it very difficult work when things are this bad, believe it or not she works in a social work and protection for kids how ironic, and she cant even see what she is doing to her own, very sad indeed.

I am truely sick to my stomach that horrible gut wrenching feeling but am trying to keep busy in the house, i am trying to teach my son to make his bed and tidy up but also to spend time with him.

Over the years as a child the pair of them , my wife would never make their beds i did, at weekend would not cook for them i did the list goes on and had got worse as i started nights, my eldest was left to speak to me like dirt, i know and i did try but it always would end up in an arguement and with no back up from my w seemed pointless, he smashed one of my cars and could have won an oscar for his performance, stole from his mother but a glad to say that behaviour has stopped to an extent, i am just glad my youngest is more like me, a caring soul who has no malice.

So at this moment my life feels terrible but i also feel i may and i say this lightly ready to let her go and move on, but i feel i have a very big mountain to climb before all in life for us may get better, of course i will try to take things one day at a time, and no doubt she will at some point try to win me over for the sake of being with her kids but that aint ever gonna work nor will i be willing to listen to her, i do think i held out on hope, hope that she would stop all this and be who i loved and still thought she was, but i now feel my love may be changing towards her and i am just scared to make that final admission to myself for fear of never loving her again.

[heartbroken]

well i feel like giving in folks i am stuck in this house unable to go to work as i need to look after my youngest, i am rattling around here and all i can see is what made it a home ( her ) no matter what she has done to me her staying at her mothers sleeping on the couch without her youngest is making me feel terrible no matter what she has done, i feel like letting her know that she should come back here and i will go losing all, kids house ( rented this time) because if i dont go to work soon then i am going to have a major bad next month finanially as i am off, i know she put us here but i she seems stronger than i she is still going to work as well as sleeping on the couch, i feel it would be easier if i left to go to my mothers which is much more comfortable and i could continue working. Why am i thinking like this i just dont get it for all she had done i can not see her like this torn from our youngest i know this will be killing her, me too, i am just so terrified she will move on and find someone else, yeah i still have hope not much but if i continue down this road i know i will defo lose my youngest at some point she will fight tooth and nail and i will be out of a job, life eh??

Why can't she come stay with your son while you go to work and then go back to her mothers? Sooner or later, custody will probably be shared anyway ... for the good of the child, it seems to me that cooperation is in order here.

[heartbroken]

i really see what your saying but it still means she has to sleep on the couch, i cant see her like this, i am very forgiving as a person and know even if we got back after a long period she would fall back into old habits, but i think to much of her still, what should i do, ifeel terrible, i am also feeling overwhelmed about the whole working looking after my son and everything that goes with it as well as trying to nurcher a broken heart without her

[Raymond]

You musn't panic and do something you may regret HB. Your son is 12 and getting to an age where he will be free to relate to who he wants so you will never lose him no matter where he lives. If your wife is sleeping on the couch while you are at work let her. It is her choice to go. I think you need to stay in the house as it is your son's home as well. She knows the situation and it seems like she will help look after your youngest. I would keep the good job you have and let her continue to be a mother to your youngest. I think this is going to take a bit of time to work out so I would say don't panic, maintain necessary dialogue with her and see where it goes but don't leave your home.

[heartbroken]

the only thing is i am bounching off the walls R, because she aint here it does not feel like a home anymore and i just dont want to stay here like that, it feels so empty now, plus no matter what she has done i just cant see her as said sleeping on her mothers couch, as well as the stress of being off work and the worry of losing my job.
i could take a period of time off to try to get used to the fact she aint her but then no money is then coming in for the bills and that could make my situ worse, i know its a waiting game and do at times feel space no matter if its forced could help here, but my patience is faultering after just 2 days i have never had a day i have never spoke to my wife, this is tough, i know i shouldnt leave but i feel so overwhelmed.

[Chamomile]

HB

I agree with R. It's best not to shrink back and be afraid. Have you spoken to your manager about your marital problem? Your boss should understand your situation and give you some time off work? You need to stop catastophizing and act in panic. See your GP for explaining the situation and to get a "sick note" (not sure what to call it now?)

xx

[heartbroken]

well in the last few hours after me trying to explain to my W that i was willing to make things easier for all, i did say that i needed clarity on the issue of why she had felt the need to have this guy call her and some of the reasons , now i know that she may not want to give me any answers but i did try, she says it is not relevant but am sorry i am almost sure now this is why she have been flip flopping for months, she has kept contact with him and said she did stop as it was hurting me, but it seems now that that was only cos she was caught, and also feel that she would have been by calling him instead of fb, i mean why on earth would she ask him to call her whan i was at work, what and speak about crap or old times erm i dont think so i would have thought that would all been done by now to me and i will never know the truth she was discussing other things, she was on the phone for over an hour, i had asked her but she couldnt even tell me yees or no, seems sus to me, and feel this has been the reason all along she was torn, she has said that there had been nothing going on but then when i ask her why he called etc she wont tell me, thats her choice but am sorry i aint going to subit if i have no closure, i also feel by her no answering she is hiding something, if there was nothing then why shutdown after expecting me believe.
So i have said i will not move out now and told her our son needs rountine and can not just expect to call at the drop of a hat and have him stay with her for her own comfort, i mean he would have to sleep on a couch that surely is not right is it?????.
I also said i will need help with money eg maintenance and she went beserk, i am not doing this to wind her up but i told her if this is her path then i have to have things sorted out.
I do feel a little better today my moments of weakness are at night and i cave in, i worry about work and if i will be able to look after my son in the future, but at any time she can by law walk back into our lives and would probably give me a real hard time to drive me out, i think i will now be taking some time from work to reavaluate our future and it is not fault all this has happened this is her path but seems to be being bitter etc as if i am causing this pain, and in turn i feel guilty, true maipulation, i also feel bad that after offering a solution and for me to move out she can not give me the answers i need to move on from her, but i am truely sorry that she feels that they are not relevant as this is how all this started she just wasnt woman enough to admit it instead she lied as always to save face and for her kids not to see that she had caused it.
She does not want look bad infront of anyone, i see that but the truth will always come out in the end, i may be way off the mark in that there was nothing going on or had not got to that stage yet but she did tick every box as far as cheating the only proof i didnt have was that she had met him or worse but i am afraid i will prob never know that now, they could well have.

[heartbroken]

i aint dwelling but heres some of the signs i noticed over time which led me to think there was something going on, i knew it all looked sus and i still cant prove 100% but these signs dont make it look goo, am i just being paraniod.

FB usage starts going through the roof.
starts being very secretive while on the internet, even not allowing me to sit beside her when on or even going off when i did.
not befriending me on FB
now this one is debatable, she would not allow me access to her account just to prove there was nothing to hide, i know many couples who know each others and i was not trying to be controlling, if there was nothing to hide she would allowd this. But as said that one is debatable.
her mobile started to be next to her when she went to bed and on silent mode the excuse was so she didnt distrub or let people at work hear her at work using it.
had chats on FB with ex boyfriends from over 2 decades ago, even added a guy that she had cheated on me with many many years ago, and also adding other ex boyfriends, to me they were a mask a cover for the one guy she WAS talking to.
she wouldnt remove them as i had issues due to her never ever talking to them before but now they were friends.
chatting with one guy in particular even though i was in bit and returned to work heartbroken and trying to rebuild trust.
told me the phrase i love you but am not in love with you.
not show me any feeling when i was obviously hurt and still continuing with her behaviour.
asking me to leave even though i still wanted to make things work.
always saying she would try but never really did, instead was cold or pulled back when i was being affectionate to her, yeah i was a bit full on sometimes but even though surely she understood why.
sex seemed odd not because i was feeling insecure or unloved but she would seem uptight there could have been reason for this such as she was still annoyed but with what the way i was acting ????
telling me she loved me one day and not the next also saying she didnt want this anymore and would not miss me.
told me i had done nothing wrong it was her lol.
saying as i caught her to someone still not sure which person it was ( her sister or the same guy) that she was going to leave, but at the moment had no option.
and finally after supposidly stopping speaking on FB to this guy had a chat and tried to delete the pm she sent him then asked him to call her while i was at work.

Well when i look at it like that then it all seems very very clear that something was defo going on, i just didnt catch her meeting him or anything else, all the signs are there but i can not be 100% sure she was cheating or intending to cheat, for whatever reason this is inexcusible and with no real explanation being given for the most part and claming up when asked only fueled our arguments. Nothing i did made any difference she had made up her mind and was only buying time and here for here kids not me, all seems very clear now that something was in the air, a moment of weakness that went to far through boredom or the routine of life, still no excuse, i am just disgusted how someone can turn into a stranger and treat you like something on the bottom of their shoe, the reasons were there i see that now i just dont get how a person can go like that i really dont.

[heartbroken]

Originally Posted by tmw52

Why can't she come stay with your son while you go to work and then go back to her mothers? Sooner or later, custody will probably be shared anyway ... for the good of the child, it seems to me that cooperation is in order here.

i also dont think this would work, as i cant stand being with her but not being loved if that makes sense, i know it may be ok for some but not us there would be arguments for sure as much as i would love to for the youngest i really couldnt do that i think

[1heartbrokenlady]

hello hb

i've just read your last post, and can sense the hurt you feel. I can also see how your mind is going round and round in circles, which is natural (i was exactly the same a few months ago) - i do understand.

Yes, you're right. It seems to me from what you say that your w maybe up to something. It does appear to add up. Her behaviour is out of line, and so very hurtful. I know the pain you're feeling and quite frankly it is very difficult to describe, it's horrendous.

You ask why your w could do this. I asked myself the same question about my h. The only answer that i could come up with was that he did it because he could, and for a while he was in his bubble where only he and his playing around mattered. It seemed to me at the time that what he was part of wasn't in any way 'reality', and that eventually reality would hit him like a bolt out of the blue, and it did.

I think you need to allow your mind some time to rest. I know that this is easier said than done, but to keep asking yourself questions to which you can't find answers will lead to you feeling more exhausted, and less able to cope.

I want you to know that you're not alone,
keep strong hb, take special care
hbl

[heartbroken]

thanks,
yeah your right my mind keeps going round in circles, i keep chopping and changing too, i want her i dont, texting her etc, i am just not used to being on my own at all, i feel so lonely the house feels so empty, sleeping in bed is impossible all the usual i imagine, i panic too and thats when i start the texting to her wrong i know, i should let her sweat but the fear that she will meet up with him even though she says theres nothing going on and that i am way off the mark seems to fall on deaf ears and i dont believe her.

I have moments that i feel ok then the next i get scared of the thought of not being with her forever it terrifies me, then i think why should i go through life being treated like this and get angry, this passes then i feel sorry for her sleeping at her mums on the couch and not being with her kids, i then offer her a solution but with a condition that she tells me why, only then when she clams up and offers no reassurance and gets nasty towards me saying thats not important (to her) and so we go round in circles, yeah i wish i could make her sweat in a few days she will have to pay maintenance for our child and that will kill her, something she really does not want to do not cos she does not care but thinks it should be the other way round.
Boy this is hard, i just get flashbacks when i first met her and all the happy times we had but this is not how she is now but i cant see it, why does our minds do this to us.

[1heartbrokenlady]

hello hb

try to resist the temptation to contact your w. I know this is hard, I remember that at first I gave in to that temptation and would contact my H a lot. However, after a week or so, I stopped.

It was one of the best things that i did. I stopped biting, stopped calling my h, and stopped chasing after him. Silence is very powerful. It also helped me, I felt more calm and was able to take some control back for myself, which helped with my sense of self worth, which must've been at an all time low.

You're not doing anything to yourself, you're suffering a lot of pain, and probably feel that you'd do anything to stop this awful hurt that you're feeling. But what you don't see is that it will get better, it will take time but you will gradually start to see things differently and you will be okay. Just try to take each day as it comes, small steps at first - it will get easier, i promise.

Take care hb
hbl

[heartbroken]

today was a tough one, i had mailed her after a lot of thought.

I said that i thought that for all of us including me that i would be willing to leave for her to return, i know dont give in but i really cant sit in this house without her i just look around and see her its home with her here but not without i just cant be here anymore, time i feel would not help here really.

My whole life in here when i look around in this house is gone its as if someone has died,and by being here i am just reminded of what once was, me being like this is not going to help anyone including myself, so i really need to leave and let her and the kids be together, i think too much off them too see us hate each with all the arguing about custody money why she did it etc, get us no where just bitter and hateful.

I did speak to her today and yeah she probably only called because she felt the ball was in her court now but she called anyway, i explain i would need to know all the reasons and to be truthful and honest and i would give her what she wanted, i dont feel that i am doing the wrong thing, but even though i am walking away from everything that means something to me, i think too much of them to see them all hurting like this. So as said when i asked about why she had felt speaking to this guy helped she clamed up again refusing to give in and tell me, she hung up i then dug my heels in and refused to let her have what she wants, after this i tried to explain all i needed was closure but still she wouldnt tell me we went round in circles and finally she wouldnt speak to me or text me, later she text me to say about taking our son and things kind of escalated as i still refused to let her come back and for me to move out due to not telling me, then it got ugly on her part saying she would have total custody and that i was using him as a pawn, i was not.

I just wanted to know what time etc and also money arrangments again she ignored me, i told her via text that we needed to talk and that texting for the specific after 23 years together was childish, finally she called but was reluctant to be nice instead it got ugly again but i did fianlly manage to convince her that all i wanted was to be civil, i then said that i would be willing to move out as i couldnt go on here it just wasnt home for me anymore and would be no good for my child, suppose thats me having doubt in myself, but i do think she could do a better job tbh, i am the better person but she is the better parent or so i think, just me doubting myself.

So as it stands i will be going i think i just know i will never be happy here anymore without the family unit whole again and the only way for me to move on is to move out, i really dont want to be separated from my sons and wife but i really cant do it.

I know some may say i am doing the wrong thing giving in but it just aint gonna happen here for me anymore.

some may say this is the wrong move and you gave up too quick or have been weak but i dont want to be here in this house without her, and that she has got exactly what she wanted but i dont care anymore about who did what or whatever without her in my life its over here.