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Old 7th August 2011, 01:06 AM   #256
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

To me when someone says that they love you but are not in love with you, to me it means that they do love you but they are no longer attracted to you and dont get exited by you anymore.
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Old 7th August 2011, 01:11 AM   #257
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

I would say that our relationship for the most part is all about a physical attraction, obviously there is or was an emotional one but for the most part it was physical it was very strong, now for whatever the reason she seems to have lost this, i can think of one serious incident that she had suggested when having a drink on a number of occassions which i know could be a marriage breaker and seems to have been where all this started it just got worse for her from there.
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Old 7th August 2011, 10:59 AM   #258
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Richie267 View Post
Oh HB, What a situation and I dont envy you. Somehow you have to get your head round this and sort out what it is YOU want. Your post reads like a game of tennis between head and heart. I love her, I dislike her... I gave up, on her, I miss her contact.

If you know what will make you really happy and you can do it by choice alone....then do it. Best of luck mate....you are in a world of hurt and I hope something changes for you soon. You need a break
Hi

I do agree with what you are trying to say, Richie, maybe.. I really don't know but HB, maybe, you could read what you're saying from the 3rd part's point of view. Sometimes, it helps to step outside and place things in perspective. Sometimes, if you appear so bereft and confused, that is not going to help anybody (including you and your children) in the present situation. I wouldn't say, "pull yourself together" but if your children sense that you are falling apart to pieces, they might start to think, "no wonder Mum didn't want him anymore".

You probably need to provide some stability for your children in this scenario rather than going through this never ending rumination of "what went wrong" to no end in your self-tormenting "poor me" bubble. Life has to go on. You need to keep your dignity and self-respect intact in a worst situation.
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Old 7th August 2011, 12:40 PM   #259
1heartbrokenlady
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartbroken View Post
To me when someone says that they love you but are not in love with you, to me it means that they do love you but they are no longer attracted to you and dont get exited by you anymore.
I'm not sure about your take on this hb.

I've heard others refer to the i love you/not in love with you phrase many times.

I always understood if to mean that they love their other half in a non romantic way, their love is based more on companionship and attachment and their feelings are more solid and not like being in love which i think of as feeling starry eyed and fluttery etc.

Having said that I know that i love my h and i'm in love with him. Attachment has grown over the years from being in love. Both are entwined.
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Old 7th August 2011, 01:11 PM   #260
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

My W told me that she lost that fluttery starry eyed thing about 2 years ago and saw me differently, but she did feel that way for 21years, for her it seems that , that feeling is the important part and for her it disappeared, and i know why for many reasons, but how do you get that back.

Yeah i agree i need to pull myself together but it is very hard when the very thing you love and cherish but wants nothing to do with you is still living with you but acting like a stranger is distant and cold, and at times makes me feel like i dont exist, i would get it if i had blatently done somiething wrong, and even if i had she did not tell me, she aint the best of communicators, I realise what you guys are saying, but when i see a divorce looming and the lady is not for turning how do i accept her behaviour, she is stone cold now, dead in the water.

Some days i feel i dislike her for all her mistakes and of course what she is trying to do, take my kids take my home and end things with me, the next i feel for her as she says she didnt want all this, she still wanted to be together, but she didnt give me any signs never told me instead sit back and allowed it to happen, for her it was a progression for me it was instant when she told me and feel i have or had already lost the fight, she is totally conviced now and i cant get through anymore.

I have posted a vid on another thread and can see now how all this happened , we tick every box, i wish i had seen it before and may have been able to save my marriage, she says shes on the final step, but how do i get it back from there, when i watched it i felt sick the realisation that we were going through all this sick to my stomach is an understatement.
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Old 11th August 2011, 04:55 PM   #261
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

well folks things aint getting much better, were sitting in limbo, shes waiting for me to leave while i have to put up with total rejection now until i can take no more, hardest thing i have ever had to put up with and does cause serious frustration for me, to the point that i have to get out of the house, i feel like a stranger in my own home.

Good thing is iam starting to see things alot clearer now, and can see that really i am not at fault .

I was starting to blame myself and to a point i thought it was totally me, but having that bit of clarity in my head now i can see all my hyperfocusing on how to try to sort things and understand how we got here clouded my judgement, i now see that for many many years i have been starved of affection from my W, i would be patient and ask what was wrong, nothing would be the answer and thought by asking and talking was the answer but it was all one sided, i now see that the deep feeling of unhappiness that i never got to the bottom of was the lack of love from her, i always wondered why i was unhappy, everything was in place but could never put my finger on it, now i see, i waited and waited for years but she never came to me with her love or communication, and so i would every now and then ask what the prob was but she would never say, i did do everything right i worked hard and missed my family badly waiting and longing for the weekend to spend time together but at the weekend it wa like i was a stranger, i would do everything in the home decorating cleaning bar the dishes, i would hand over every penny i made with nothing to myself at the end of the day, yet still al i was offered was as she says her duty lol joke.

I waited soooo long, but still nothing i then started feeling more unhappy as the weekends passed, in fact giving up to a point and stopped doing what i had been doing, even though i would still ask what the prob was no real answer was given instead the " NOTHING" answer was always given and told the door was there if i was that unhappy, we never really argued.

So now with my new found clarity and not focusing on why or how to fix things, i can see that she never really gave me love even though she would say she did love me it was all to a point forced or as she said in her chat on facebook to her sister pretending, i feel like a fool for not seeing this for years putting up with it and giving my all and i mean all to the marriage but really got nothing in return back to feel loved. I cant believe that i had started thinking to myself that all was my fault, i do see that i had pushing the blame on to myself but thats me just being me looking for answers, yeah we had our issues over the years but again i forgave and just tried to make her happy, i would accept her behaviour just to be with her, but as i started to not put up with it she was not happy because she couldnt get her selfish way, this pushed her further away, not my fault at all.

The rejection is killing me but i am kinda used to being starved just not to this extent, there is nothing at all now and to be able to be that cold and shut it off that quickly in the space of a day she was as said pretending and was forcing herself, its not a nice feeling now that i see it, i just believe that i never saw it, i am a hard working devoted family man to busy working and trying to be the best husband i could too busy to notice this was as bad. I know i deserve better her mental cruelty is shocking, insults and total disrespect shocks me, the look of disgust she shows amazes me and has even passed on the baton to my eldest, he treats me in the same way, yeah to a point i see that i let them but that doesnt make it right, i want my life back, how it feels to live and to be a person treated with a bit of respect, the saga will go on her making me feel like this with total disrespect starving me, me sitting here taking it but not for much longer, i am going to take my life back and start doing and making choices for myself instead of having to ask her permission about everything in order to what i thought was to make her happy.

In the last few minutes my wifes mum just tooted her horn outside in her car to take her shopping, she never asked me nor told me she was going shopping i would have taken her as i always did but she didnt even mention it, how childish, why on earth would she do this?? and i would imagine she will be saying to her mum all that she is feeling and planing, her mum never used to take her before it was always me. I know its trival but she could have said, makes it look that her family are siding with her, they have never asked how i am doing lately, i have known them for 23 years and bent over backwards forthe decorating their homes and the like, with them sitting on their bums while i do so with no offer of help, it really is childish, my parents have always been there and treated my wife like a daughter, always forgave her and never judged her but she has not been to see them for about 5-6 months and refuses to talk to them when they call.

I really can see me walking out of here, theres only so much i can take to feel this way is terrible, to know for such a long time she has been faking it kills me she feels like a stranger and even now is still passing the baton to my kids of how to treat me by acting this way. I will never leave myself open to this behaviour in the future from another person, i gave to much of myself to her and in turn left nothing , the part i gave her was my dignity she took it tampled and stopted all over it, i had nothing left, i lost my identity, friends, and sense of self worth. Still i let her do it by being here, i am still trying to figue things out and am seriously thinking of going back offshore on the rigs for me with the intention of starting again meeting a someone who is a decent and honest person and after 3 years go back to being a taxi driver after saving for sometime to rebuild my life working a more normal shift pattern as no o ne wants to or is able to have a relationship with someone who works nights and only sees them for 1-2 days at the weekend. I want to do this for me.

My intentions are good and have always turned my hand to anything, i know if i put my mind to it i can do anything i always did, i still have my certs for offshore and also my hackney licience, not my first choice of jobs but at 40 my options are limited to a point, i could make a good living for 3 years offshore and them after rebuilding go back to the taxi trade for a more stable normal shift and life taking my time to find someone who is true, i have no life on nights, time for a change, i would love for my wife to still part of my life but i can see no way this will happen now, she is done, the only explanation is i dont love you like that anymore, seems a bit of an excuse to me after 23 years together, she said i am a loving hardworking honest man its just that she doesnt love me now, sorry but i feel this is an excuse, yeah the excuse i need to find a new life instead of being treated like a doormat, TIME FOR CHANGE.

Last edited by heartbroken; 11th August 2011 at 05:35 PM.
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Old 11th August 2011, 09:23 PM   #262
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Ok, I completely disagree with your plan of action if indeed you want to save your marriage. I too was in a similar situation. I blamed myself for lots of thing after we separated. However, always remember that it takes two to tango. You both are at fault. You both enabled yourselves to get to this position. She wouldnt communicate how she felt and you didnt as well.

Im more of glass half empty when it comes to a walkaway wife. My wife was the same way then it was revealed she cheated on me. In couples therapy, she admitted that her guilt of that cause her to push me away and make the assumption that she didnt love me anymore.

It took my willingness to forgive her to get past this. And we have.

Just keep that in mind. Perhaps you can check more facebook cgat messages and not just the ones she sends her sister.
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Old 12th August 2011, 06:20 AM   #263
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

do agree to a point but i did try over a long period to talk to her many many times as i got the feeling i was being treated like a stranger, i asked and asked her if all was ok, the answer was yes or nothing followed by i will try, but she never and i longed for her to but it never came, i waited and waited. I used to explain what i was feeling but she insisted she was ok, when she was not, i was still loving and did leave her be going weeks without any serious probs.
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Old 14th August 2011, 03:40 AM   #264
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

she has put up walls and you need to figure out how to knock them down. It takes time. I know it sounds harsh but your current plan isnt working. What I mean is maybe its time to reverse course and do the opposite. Im not sure about you, but if someone constantly asked me what I was thinking it would drive me crazy.

It will probably take most of your strength but you need to stay away from relationship talk. Its emotionally draining (for both of you) and will just add to both of your unhappiness. You have to approach it like your dating and figuring things out between you. Its important you start doing things for yourself. I cant stress that enough. One way or the other, you will need to get stronger and do it on your own. The one thing you have on your side is history.

I still think you should check up on her. Just remember, it may not have happened recently. It could have happened months ago and she is just now making her decision. She's probably had these thoughts for awhile so in order to overcome them, you need to show her your a winner.

Go out with your friends. Hit the gym with zeal. Get happy. Fake it until you make it as they say
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Old 14th August 2011, 09:10 AM   #265
Chamomile
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Hi

Only if this woman is worth such effort...she had strayed, concealed her track (e.g. Fb, texting etc) kept throwing abuse re. her h on fb etc etc. If I were in his shoes, I would have kicked her out ages ago.
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Old 15th August 2011, 06:03 PM   #266
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

yeah i wonder that to myself too, the current situ is weird.

We are together in the same house she has her name down for another house but we still remain in the same house, she shows no love nothing stone cold, no kiss before i leave for work no touch nothing, yet i am still sleeping in the same bed, granted i work nights but i only have to really share the bed at the weekend, during the week were passing ships in the night.

Very strange, she is not interested in trying to fix things just wants to be amicable and seperate while she waits for a house or something else comes up, it really is getting to me, more the fact that i know its over well so i think and her even though i dont want that, but i still have to live with her and look at her, so to try and be "amicable" takes me all my time when under the same roof, i do get frustrated and so try to speak to her about it, this usually leads to her being nasty and saying nasty things, but usually only after i have said or done something she does not like?? , whatever that me be??, today she said and was out of nastiness, that if her money situ was not good she would find another man, she also said after i mentioned that she is constantly looking in the mirror and preening herself all the time no stop, she said she was grooming her self ready for action, now i dont know about you and no matter if this was out of nastiness this really got to me badly.

She really is trying my patience i know i should leave but i just cant for fear of what will happen in my terriotory my home when i am gone , i know she will do whatever she is going to do but sorry not in my home not a chance, she even said that if i do move out even if temp and my name is still on the place she expects me to continue to pay the bills!!!!!!!!, she really is a piece of work but i love her, i still see the person i love WHY?

I also asked again about the seperation and if she felt like she would then want a divorce, she said no that was too final, so i am lost she is confusing me totally, to me separation is with the intent to divoce, same as engagment is with the intent to marry. I have managed to a point to get my emotions in check, but i do have my moments.

I dont ever want to go through this again in my life and really is thee hardest thing i have ever had to do.
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Old 15th August 2011, 09:05 PM   #267
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Just a question, have you talked to an attorney? Even just to see what your options are? I would if you havent already.

For advice, I would honestly not say anything to her related to your relationship. Make small talk. Be sure to be even keeled. When she get's nasty you need to be extremely careful not to respond negatively. She is trying to get under your skin. But when you said "I mentioned that she is constantly looking in the mirror and preening herself all the time no stop. You may not have meant it but it comes across as an attack. She responded defensively because of it. You have to hold back from emotional discussions. That is until you are stronger. Be sure to deflect the venom she spews at you. Also start doing things for yourself. Go to the gym, hang out with friends. If you look at it, she is getting the best of both worlds. She is keeping you in limbo or cake eating. She is doing anything she wants and keeps you on the hook.

She emotionally detached from you. That feeling of love can only come back if you can show her love but not just in response to her announcement that she didnt love you any more. You have to start small. You have to have some thick skin and try to work on you. I bet if you were to spend more time on making yourself better, she will start to respond.

Now, you mentioned you saw some messages form her to her sister on facebook. I have a suggestion if you are willing to spend some money. http://www.immonitor.com/facebook-ch...or-sniffer.htm

Not to sound harsh but its time to wear the big boy pants. If you are going to get through this (regardless of what happens with your relationship) you need to figure out how to make you a better you.
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Old 16th August 2011, 06:20 AM   #268
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

thanks for that, i have been using a program for months, thats what got my antenna up to start with, her chatting to one guy in particular, even giving him her moby number etc, i was well ahead of the game there, its called refog and for the full prog you have to pay but for what i was needing in the free for life demo i got what i needed, its shows everything trust me, and it was not good.

Somethimes i feel like i wish i didnt know what she was saying but my curiosity always got the better of me, gut feeling too, which tbh honest i never really trusted, but everyone says to trust it. Would you trust gut feeling????

I do agree i need to sort myself out and for the most part i am getting better emotionally, but its turning to resentment which again is not good.

She is now looking for somewhere to stay, and tbh i should go but cant tear myself, i also agree with other post to say that i should go as she will resent me for not, also this limbo stage is only causing more probs and getting ugly. I just keep seeing some other guy at some point in my home and territory it really kills me and dont want that to happen here, if it happens somewhere else then so be it but not here, is that a good enough reason to stay put???? its seems a good enough reason for me, but then i think she will resent me for making her leave , really not my problem her choice.

To top it just had a major barney with my stubborn manager and feel i need to get another job, its getting crazy at my workplace, time for a change there i think, oilrigs or back into a taxi cab for me i think, no more managing people for me there unmanagable lol. Was never really my ideal job anyway some am also looking for a new job, before i really let them know what i think lol.
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Old 17th August 2011, 03:45 PM   #269
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

My w now has her name down for another house, and is just waiting until she gets word, but she has put that our youngest will be going with her to whichever new house she get. But i said that she shouldnt pressume that he will go he does have a choice at the end of the day.
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Old 17th August 2011, 05:22 PM   #270
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

her moby as said has not been seen now for nearly 2-3 weeks i think, what the heck is that all about, she keeps it at her work???? it never comes home now i ask her and she says she has nothing to hide.
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