Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 30th November 2014, 07:54 PM   #1
Cpjunk31
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 7
Leave or stay? Been wrestling for a while now...

I've been married to my wife for 6 years and been together with her for 12 years...

We met in college and hit it off great... We spent almost every minute together... I even did an extra semester of college to stay next to here...

When I left the next semester I drove back and forth to see her just about every weekend... She moved in with me after the following year and transferred schools and we've been together since...

When she first moved in I had a studio apt and handled all the finances since I was there already and she was in school... Eventually we moved to a 1 bedroom apt... At this point I was still covering all the finances and she was working part time to help with school...She had a few jobs here and there it nothing steady... Soon after we had our 1st of 2 kids... She wasn't able to work obviously so she was home with the child for a year, while trying to find work... I kept handling the finances while she was home... We got married about a year after the 1st kid and were expecting a 2nd child during the wedding...

At this point we have two kids, I'm handling all the finances and she is home with the kids... This is what it is... We eventually moved to a better neighborhood and place with more financial responsibility and I again am handling everything...(rent, ultilities, food, clothes, entertainment, baby stuff... Everything)... Eventually she gets a job again and this is where things start to change... First I am still handling all of the finances becuase her job can only cover day care for the kids... But I start to notice that she starts to dress extremely nice when going to work but comes home and I get the scraps(hair scarf, baggy clothes, etc)... I've told her about this when I could and it would change for a week, but go back to being the same a week later... One night I refused to go out with her because she was going to leave out with a scarf and sweats... During all this time we both have gained weight and we both started to make changes to lose weight... I've been athletic most my life so it wasn't major for me to lose weight and she was working out trying to lose weight... Her weight hadn't majorly bothered me prior, but I alerts felt she could be smaller, so when tie stage hit us, I encouraged her tremendously... We both lost a good amount of weight and it made our relationship even better... We were more flirtatious and sex was better... Eventually though, she stopped cold turkey, I kept going and she would not get back on track for nothing... No matter how much I encourage her... Eventually the weight jumped back on her and I started to really get mad at her... I never wanted to make her feel like she needed to lose weight becuAse I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but it showed... As a result sex started to become a job and the flirting stopped... But we still managed... At this point she started to push for us to get a house, I pushed off on this for 3 years because I was still providing all of the financial support... at this point she's been in and out of work... So after a while we find a house and I go thru the process and we get the house... This is where things start to fall apart from my side... Obviously buying a house is a huge financial move and I financed ALL OF IT... Like majority of our relationship... I wasn't even excited at closing... As we start to settle in the house things really start to bother me that haven't bothered me majorly in the past 11 years... #1 was finances... I looked at my situAtion and realized that while I have a home for my family, my wife has not contributed to not only this purchase, but to anything in our entire relationship... # 2 was weight, she gained all the weight back and was not motivated at all to lose it, she even went back to giving me scraps when I came home... # 3 sex became more and more of a chore... She wood not initiate or dress up when I asked her #4 was sports, I haven't mentioned this previously but I'm big I to sports and she has NEVER taken a serious attempt at trying to get into it, which cuased a lot of fights thru the years... She missed out on tons of quality time with me and the kids due to this.... A little into a month in the house I literally check out with these 4 reasons being the catalyst.... She sensed things were off and asked me if everything was ok... I told her yes as to avoid conflict... She wasn't easy to tell things too...so we went thru the motions for 6 months... I wasn't interested at home and there was nothing that was going to change it... I was going out late and hanging out with friends more...

Fast forward 6 months and I meet a woman at work and as u can possibly guess, she is a lot of what I am not getting at home... She is fit and athletic (a former athelte)... I knew from the moment I say her that I was very interested in her... So I pursued her and started an affair that I'm not neccesarliy proud of, but I knew what I wanted... Fast forward 8 months and I'm still involved with this woman and I am really thinking of leaving my wife for her... I managed to tell my wife about this woman but my wife wants to work it out... I go to therapy to discuss things with a independent party and the therapist convinced me to tell my wife...

In my heart, I want to see what it is with the other woman, me and her have a very good relationship and believe that we can be more... The problem is that I am Married( of course)...

I've gone back and forth about what to do for 4 months now...

I can see myself with this other woman clearly, but I don't want to lose my house or my kids... I can live with not being with my wife as long as I have the kids and house... I recently asked her to move out also... Not sure how that will go...

I'm hoping that anyone can give their thoughts...
Cpjunk31 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th November 2014, 08:16 PM   #2
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Leave or stay? Been wrestling for a while now...

What sort of woman is it that will cheat with a married man? Especially one with children?I would want to stay WELL away from a woman like that with no morals, no integrity and no decency.
Also why would she be interested in you, a man who thinks nothing of treating his wife and children so terribly and chasing after other women? I will NEVER understand it.

Adultery is a VERY serious thing with VERY serious and long lasting and far reaching consequences for everyone, especially for the children who are innocent. Relationships that begin with lying and deception and cheating rarely last, and many who do this will go on to cheat again, or will be cheated on. I have seen the utter devastation, pain and trauma that adultery causes in my own family and believe me, its horrible. WHy should your wife move out and leave her children and home just because YOU have acted so badly? YOU are the one who should loose it all, not her.

So, you can carry on doing what YOU want and leave all the responsibilities that you have of a home, wife and children, or you can do the right thing, repent, stop seeing this other lady completely right now, look for another job, keep your marriage vows, build up the trust again and both get some good marriage counseling. You are NOT helpless to resist temptation or to stop this sordid affair, and you need to start being a good father and husband. So, the new lady or your wife children and home. You cant have both.

Affairs are NOT real life, they are fantasy, and only appealing because they are secret and hidden and 'exciting'. Real life would come eventually whoever you were with, and you would regret your decision I am sure of that.

Last edited by chosen; 30th November 2014 at 08:28 PM.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th November 2014, 09:41 PM   #3
Cpjunk31
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 7
Re: Leave or stay? Been wrestling for a while now...

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
What sort of woman is it that will cheat with a married man? Especially one with children?I would want to stay WELL away from a woman like that with no morals, no integrity and no decency.
Also why would she be interested in you, a man who thinks nothing of treating his wife and children so terribly and chasing after other women? I will NEVER understand it.

Adultery is a VERY serious thing with VERY serious and long lasting and far reaching consequences for everyone, especially for the children who are innocent. Relationships that begin with lying and deception and cheating rarely last, and many who do this will go on to cheat again, or will be cheated on. I have seen the utter devastation, pain and trauma that adultery causes in my own family and believe me, its horrible. WHy should your wife move out and leave her children and home just because YOU have acted so badly? YOU are the one who should loose it all, not her.

So, you can carry on doing what YOU want and leave all the responsibilities that you have of a home, wife and children, or you can do the right thing, repent, stop seeing this other lady completely right now, look for another job, keep your marriage vows, build up the trust again and both get some good marriage counseling. You are NOT helpless to resist temptation or to stop this sordid affair, and you need to start being a good father and husband. So, the new lady or your wife children and home. You cant have both.

Affairs are NOT real life, they are fantasy, and only appealing because they are secret and hidden and 'exciting'. Real life would come eventually whoever you were with, and you would regret your decision I am sure of that.

Thanks for your response...

Question to you, why should I have to literally give up everything because I don't want want to be married anymore? Is it because of an affair? Why must I be deemed as the bad guy? I literally support everything on my back and if I want to change I get punished?
Cpjunk31 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th November 2014, 10:24 PM   #4
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Leave or stay? Been wrestling for a while now...

IF you choose to leave your marriage, children and wife, then you will loose a lot. Why should your wife loose her home and why should the children loose their home just because you cant be faithful? When you marry everything belongs to both of you. Its not 'yours' or 'mine' but 'ours', and if the woman is at home caring for the children, why should she loose out if you decide to leave her for another lady? You are wanting to commit this terrible betrayal of your wife and children but not loose anything over it, it doesnt work like that. Are you honestly thinking you can chuck your wife out and shortly after move your lover in?
Sorry but as far as this affair goes you ARE the bad person, along with the OW. YOU are the one who has been unfaithful and gone after another lady. It wasnt even her who went after you, it was you who went after her. You made promises not so long ago and you have already broken them.

Please reconsider, you will regret it if you go.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th November 2014, 10:55 PM   #5
Cpjunk31
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 7
Re: Leave or stay? Been wrestling for a while now...

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
IF you choose to leave your marriage, children and wife, then you will loose a lot. Why should your wife loose her home and why should the children loose their home just because you cant be faithful? When you marry everything belongs to both of you. Its not 'yours' or 'mine' but 'ours', and if the woman is at home caring for the children, why should she loose out if you decide to leave her for another lady? You are wanting to commit this terrible betrayal of your wife and children but not loose anything over it, it doesnt work like that. Are you honestly thinking you can chuck your wife out and shortly after move your lover in?
Sorry but as far as this affair goes you ARE the bad person, along with the OW. YOU are the one who has been unfaithful and gone after another lady. It wasnt even her who went after you, it was you who went after her. You made promises not so long ago and you have already broken them.

Please reconsider, you will regret it if you go.
I understand your point, do not think that I don't...

But the same can be asked on the flip side...I don't want to leave my children, they are the reason I am still here... Affair or not... Why should I lose out if I want to move on?

I have no intentions of moving the OW in, but I do want to see what is happens with the OW...

Essentially you say that nobody has a right to move on if you decide to get married?
If there is no affair am I still wrong for wanting to leave?
Cpjunk31 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st December 2014, 12:11 AM   #6
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Leave or stay? Been wrestling for a while now...

Unless there is a good reason such as serious abuse or an affair, then I dont believe that anyone should throw away their spouse and children like yesterdays rubbish. You are the one who cheated and you are the one who wants to leave the marriage, so why should she have to leave her own children and home? She hasnt done anything to deserve this, and she wants to stay in the marriage despite your betrayal which is amazing of her actually. Does she think the affair has stopped?

What was the point in you marrying her for better or for worse till death do you part if you are going to run off with another woman after only 6 years? Marriage takes effort and work and commitment, and once you have children that is even more important. I was just reading a report the other day about the devastating long term effect that a divorce has on children. Will you put yourself above your children??? They need to you both to be there for them full time, and they need you to be with their mum.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st December 2014, 12:49 AM   #7
Cpjunk31
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 7
Re: Leave or stay? Been wrestling for a while now...

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Unless there is a good reason such as serious abuse or an affair, then I dont believe that anyone should throw away their spouse and children like yesterdays rubbish. You are the one who cheated and you are the one who wants to leave the marriage, so why should she have to leave her own children and home? She hasnt done anything to deserve this, and she wants to stay in the marriage despite your betrayal which is amazing of her actually. Does she think the affair has stopped?

What was the point in you marrying her for better or for worse till death do you part if you are going to run off with another woman after only 6 years? Marriage takes effort and work and commitment, and once you have children that is even more important. I was just reading a report the other day about the devastating long term effect that a divorce has on children. Will you put yourself above your children??? They need to you both to be there for them full time, and they need you to be with their mum.
I understand your points... Just for the record, I don't want to throw away my children... I want them....

And we've been together for 12 years, living Together for 11 years
Cpjunk31 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st December 2014, 07:24 AM   #8
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Leave or stay? Been wrestling for a while now...

Yes but only married for 6 and thats when you made those promises.
If you leave the marriage for the OW you will be rejecting the children for her. You may well end up just seeing them some weekends. You are rejecting your whole family for her. You cant have her and what you have now, it just doesnt work that way. Cant you see that what you have with the OW isnt real life? The grass isnt greener and many have discovered that far too late when the damage has been done.
Does your wife know that you are still cheating on her?
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st December 2014, 10:36 AM   #9
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Leave or stay? Been wrestling for a while now...

I don't see why a wife has to be into sports. That seems to be part of the reason you have against your wife. My wife is not particularly into sports although I am. She will swim once a week and we walk a lot. Keeping weight down is also about what you eat. That should never be a reason to end a marriage though. What happened to your initial love affair. What was that worth if you just move on like this?

My wife also has not contributed financially to the purchase of our house but she has contributed much more in bringing up children and in being a good wife in every respect.

I think you just need to work on your marriage and not just go with someone who is willing to take another woman's husband. I think you are being very hard nosed here.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st December 2014, 08:14 PM   #10
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Leave or stay? Been wrestling for a while now...

This site may help you to see the devastation that you are causing to your wife and family

http://affairsurvival.com/the-cheate...ou-got-caught/
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd December 2014, 06:28 AM   #11
Cpjunk31
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 7
Re: Leave or stay? Been wrestling for a while now...

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
This site may help you to see the devastation that you are causing to your wife and family

http://affairsurvival.com/the-cheate...ou-got-caught/
Thanks... I will definitely look at it
Cpjunk31 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd December 2014, 06:31 AM   #12
Cpjunk31
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 7
Re: Leave or stay? Been wrestling for a while now...

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Yes but only married for 6 and thats when you made those promises.
If you leave the marriage for the OW you will be rejecting the children for her. You may well end up just seeing them some weekends. You are rejecting your whole family for her. You cant have her and what you have now, it just doesnt work that way. Cant you see that what you have with the OW isnt real life? The grass isnt greener and many have discovered that far too late when the damage has been done.
Does your wife know that you are still cheating on her?

I think it's harsh to say I'm rejecting my children... My wife yes, my children, never...
But I'm glad I posted on here and I appreciate your comments.. It's helping me think strongly...
Cpjunk31 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd December 2014, 06:42 AM   #13
Cpjunk31
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 7
Re: Leave or stay? Been wrestling for a while now...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
I don't see why a wife has to be into sports. That seems to be part of the reason you have against your wife. My wife is not particularly into sports although I am. She will swim once a week and we walk a lot. Keeping weight down is also about what you eat. That should never be a reason to end a marriage though. What happened to your initial love affair. What was that worth if you just move on like this?

My wife also has not contributed financially to the purchase of our house but she has contributed much more in bringing up children and in being a good wife in every respect.

I think you just need to work on your marriage and not just go with someone who is willing to take another woman's husband. I think you are being very hard nosed here.

Well sports for me is huge, I grew up playing, played all thru highschool and college and still play today... I'm not saying that she needs to be a triathlon athlete, but when there is no attempt to get involved, that's a problem... When my kids and I are downstairs watching the game and she's upstairs not participating, that's a problem... It's mostly about the quality time that she complelty said "no" in a span of 12 years...

it really doesn't help that the OW is not only into sports but plays sports as well...

What happened to the initial love affair you ask? I hit a wall where I'm am tired... It's doesn't excuse an affair... But that's what happened...


We have two differnt outlooks on finances and that's fine... I'm more of a pull your weight person... It doesn't have to be exactly what I make, but we should be able to build together as a couple with both of us contributing... And I do contribute to household duties and raising the kids...

But again, all the comments are really helping and I really appreciate your comment.
Cpjunk31 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd December 2014, 08:20 AM   #14
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Leave or stay? Been wrestling for a while now...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cpjunk31 View Post
I think it's harsh to say I'm rejecting my children... My wife yes, my children, never...
But I'm glad I posted on here and I appreciate your comments.. It's helping me think strongly...
IN rejecting your wife, the mother of the children you are in a sense rejecting them. Sorry but its the case. If you want to put them first, then you must work on the marriage. I have seen so many marriages where either the wife or husband left the spouse and children for another person, and with no exceptions, all the children were deeply affected and damaged. These were children of about 3 or 4 up to teenagers.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd December 2014, 08:35 AM   #15
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Leave or stay? Been wrestling for a while now...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cpjunk31 View Post
Well sports for me is huge, I grew up playing, played all thru highschool and college and still play today... I'm not saying that she needs to be a triathlon athlete, but when there is no attempt to get involved, that's a problem... When my kids and I are downstairs watching the game and she's upstairs not participating, that's a problem... It's mostly about the quality time that she complelty said "no" in a span of 12 years...

it really doesn't help that the OW is not only into sports but plays sports as well...

What happened to the initial love affair you ask? I hit a wall where I'm am tired... It's doesn't excuse an affair... But that's what happened...


We have two differnt outlooks on finances and that's fine... I'm more of a pull your weight person... It doesn't have to be exactly what I make, but we should be able to build together as a couple with both of us contributing... And I do contribute to household duties and raising the kids...

But again, all the comments are really helping and I really appreciate your comment.
Loads of woman especially dont like sport. I used to love it and would watch it whenever I could in my teens and 20's, and now I never do, its doesnt interest me in the least. Why cant you accept her as she is and the fact that she has other interests? All couples have differences, and the fact that this other lady likes it should make no difference. You are not free to be with her, you are a married man with children. What sort of women is she who is happy to cheat with a married man with young children anyway? Where is her integrity? Where is her decency?I cant have any respect for a women who would do that.

My husband and I see the marriage as equal no matter who earns what. All of our money is ours and not his or mine. When the children are young its good if the mother looks after them if you can afford it, and her job is equally important albeit unpaid.

I am rather concerned that your wife think the affair has stopped when it hasnt. If I were you I would begin to job search now so that you can make that clean break from her and put 100% into your marriage. Book some marriage counselling for you both to attend as well. You would also need to apologise to the OW for chasing her when you weren't free to do so, although she should have rejected you anyway.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 09:49 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright 1999-2019 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer