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Old 21st April 2010, 12:17 PM   #1
georgie
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Stop focusing on the hurt start focusing on the healing

OK Chaps... they done us wrong yadda yadda yadda
they are bad blah blah
WE CANT CHANGE THEM

Let's focus on us and feeling better and making happy lives for ourselves!!

First Step... our self esteem must have been in the toilet to put up with these people in the first place... lets start by learning to love ourselves!

There are some FAB articles on this web site.. I read them from my phone at work while giving the appearance of full productivity! go me!


I reckon we all need to start making ourselves a project!
step 1:
http://www.eruptingmind.com/self-est...ding-articles/


Love you all , you are all awesome wonderful people .... when we come to grips with all the personal development we need to undertake we wont need to hear this from others, we will simply know!
xxxx
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Old 21st April 2010, 12:29 PM   #2
RayCub
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Re: Stop focusing on the hurt start focusing on the healing

Quote:
Originally Posted by georgie View Post

I read them from my phone at work while giving the appearance of full productivity! go me!

I'll have to give this a shot, Georgie. If I get fired, you'll have to find me another job though...lol
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Old 21st April 2010, 12:50 PM   #3
j92cool
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Re: Stop focusing on the hurt start focusing on the healing

Sounds good to me. I need to do something. Will have a look. I am at a crossroads and feel I am starting to go backwards rather than going forward and being happy. Have started crying again. I am lonely but too scared give anyone a chance to get close to me. Have recently proven that onenight stands are not for me. Sex without emotion is crap and leaves me feeling worthless. I am a bloody mess and my ex is as happy as Larry and having a wonderful time.



Any Help Welcome.

Life is crap.

PS Thankyou Georgie looks like a very good placed to start
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Old 21st April 2010, 01:20 PM   #4
georgie
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Re: Stop focusing on the hurt start focusing on the healing

J9 - I know, i've had a couple of days of feeling fine one minute then suddenly welling up with tears the next.
I have only realised that my major issue is not heart break or loss, its Humiliation, I feel humiliated by this entire experience, I feel pitied and I don't like it!
I feel lonely at times too. I empathise with you totally, but at the same time i dont trust that anyone could possibly actually really want me or love me , not for long anyway.
So the work begins! Our exes have done a lot of damage... nobody but us can fix us.!!
DIY Time... xxx
We can do it I know. We are all great and wonderful people. You know I am just here in Melbourne J9, so you are welcome to come down any time xxx
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Old 21st April 2010, 01:37 PM   #5
Wiggle
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Re: Stop focusing on the hurt start focusing on the healing

Georgie - good stuff. The bit about self-esteem and relationships particularly resonated with me (I think both myself and OH? had problems there...)

My counsellor talked about 'affirmations' yesterday; you stand in front of the mirror (preferably, but you can do it in the car etc - probably not at a bus stop...!) and say out loud to yourself something like 'I'm beautiful, intelligent and fabulous' (it has to be words that come from yourself) for ten minutes morning and night. You don't have to believe it. Apparently after a few weeks that re-programmes your mind into thinking positively about yourself rather than negatively. I'm going to give it a go . She says she's seen it work miracles...

j92cool - Sounds like you're having a rotten time of it. I think slipping backwards ocasionally is normal, so please don't beat yourself up for that. I think fear of letting anyone get close would be a normal reaction too. Have you thought of trying online free CBT programmes? There's this one: http://www.livinglifetothefull.com/i...ge&page_seq=12 and another one called moodgym. I'm giving them a bash (I'm also trying EPA omega 3, which is supposed to help improve one's mood and if nothing else, give you luscious bouncy hair!) I've no vested interest in any of the above other than a quest for self-confidence...
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Old 21st April 2010, 02:18 PM   #6
jellybean28
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Re: Stop focusing on the hurt start focusing on the healing

Great thread Georgie, and love everyone's replys.
[QUOTE]
I feel lonely at times too. I empathise with you totally, but at the same time i dont trust that anyone could possibly actually really want me or love me , not for long anyway
[/QUOTE]
Could this possibly be that we don't trust ourselves not to make the right choices next time around. Just something to think about.

Quote:
Sex without emotion is crap and leaves me feeling worthless

This was part of my problem, during my marriage, we had sex but without any emotion of feeling from my ex, more a case of slam, bam roll over and go to sleep, while I'm left wondering WTF just happened. So definatly no one night stands for me at the stage, tempting as it is.

For me my life coach has been the best investment in my life I have ever made. Last night thanks to a chat with the amazing Georgie I realized that I am still hanging on to what once was, instead of putting my Ex and my marriage in the past where it belongs, giving me room to move forward so I can find the love and happiness I deserve.
[QUOTE]
So the work begins! Our exes have done a lot of damage... nobody but us can fix us.!!
DIY Time... xxx
We can do it I know. We are all great and wonderful people.
[/QUOTE]
I couldn't agree with you more Georgie, so come on everyone we can do it, if we put our skills, life experience and learning together it'll be a piece of cake, plus the instructions will all be written in English lol.

Hey wiggle, sorry just re-read your thread, affermations are great, I use the mirror at the hairdressers remind myself of my good points (in my head of course), hairdresser just thinks I'm relaxing or watching her.
Writing down 20 things your good at (this can be anything), 20 things you've succeed in doing and at least one thing that is physically beautiful about you - can be the red nail polish on your pinkie finger if that all you can manage for now. Then each day look at the list and say it out loud, add to it as you go along. - This came from my life coach benifits changes your head tape and helps to stop all the negative head chatter.

So for starters we are all amazing, wonderful people, supportive and sharing.

Let the DIY begin. (teacher)
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Old 21st April 2010, 06:42 PM   #7
Hopefull1983
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Re: Stop focusing on the hurt start focusing on the healing

I actually love this post. Right from when I could actually focus on anything other than being the crying mess that I was originally I made it my mission to move forwards. Well...originally it was more of a focus on keeping busy to keep myself sane and stop myself from sitting thinking about everything but this then developed into constant steps forwards in the healing process. I'm still seeing my counsellor and I still don't feel ready to embark on another relationship (I've not even kissed another guy yet) but I'm hoping that's more to do with the fact that I'm enjoying my single life than trust issues, although I know they're there in the background but I'm dealing with them slowly. Self esteem is definately the one to focus on for us all. Our husbands and wives who we thought loved us more than anyone else in the world abandoned us and chose to lead the rest of their lives without us so our self esteem is going to be shot to pieces, definately something we all need to work on and realise that we're wonderful people and worthy of so much more.

Good luck with this next step everyone.
Natalia. x
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I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.
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Old 21st April 2010, 11:30 PM   #8
j92cool
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Re: Stop focusing on the hurt start focusing on the healing

Thank you Georgie.

Thank you for starting this thread. I had gotten to the stage where I wanted/needed to post but nothing seemed to apply to me and the recovery process. I don't have an ex around giving me the sh#t$. My kids have their own life so with fewer things going on you would think I would be chugging along just fine. But I',m not. I am still and probably always will be greiving my sister and my plans for the future but I WANT more in my life than going to work and doing housework.

One day I hope to trust myself to take a chance at being happy again.
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Old 22nd April 2010, 12:46 AM   #9
mdmquincy
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Re: Stop focusing on the hurt start focusing on the healing

I am rooting for you, j92cool. This forum is certainly not somewhere we want to be competive about who has it worse and how. We all got the short end of the stick, and you are just as worthy as anyone else of the forum's ear.
xoxox
J
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Old 22nd April 2010, 10:30 AM   #10
luce
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Re: Stop focusing on the hurt start focusing on the healing

j92cool, i read your original thread a few days ago. What happened to you after 27yrs of marriage was awful. It was really, really dreadful and i was shuddering reading it. Then to lose your sister in the same year! Oh my goodness hon. I am not suprised that you feel down sometimes. I have also read enough of your posts to know that you are doing terrifically well too. I know you had to deal with everything practical when he took off and you did deal with it despite all the emotional pain, you dealt with it. I read your joy about becoming a grandmother. I think you are terrific. It is so hard and it is so lonely. We fill the void with new friends but new friends take a good while before they become old safe friends and it is a horrid but kind of exciting transition. Know what you mean about one night stands. I havent had any yet but i did kiss a guy last week and even that left me feeling low/set back.

Georgie thanks for posting this thread and the link.
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Old 29th April 2010, 02:29 PM   #11
georgie
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Re: Stop focusing on the hurt start focusing on the healing

Hello everyone,
I did this online course, I found it useful as it gave me a frame of reference as to how or what a relationship could be... what I can reasonably expect and what I can do to improve myself in terms of a future relationship.
I realise more and more how unconciously I've lived. I had no model for a relationship growing up, I really had no idea what one could be, I simply went along with the one I had. I behaved as I knew how and never thought of alternatives. So no I find the most basic information fascinating as a lot of these details of behaviour, communication and boundaries that make up life were simply missing from my knowledge base.

This course is free and available to everyone.

http://relationshipsvictoria.com.au/gc/index.php?id=1

I am also currently experiencing the nightmare that is living with a girl going through puberty.. she's not quite a teenager but OMG... just when I was coming to terms with being hated for no apparant reason by my X, now I am dealing with a surly, unpredictable emotional mine field... so as usual I have no internal frame of reference and have to seek some kind of yard stick online... I found this course for parenting normal teenagers, which I'm finding quite good (its christian based but a lot of valid points made and quite comforting to find that being abused and criticised 24/7 by someone I bend over backwards to please should not be taken personally.. sigh...). This costs $25 US or $50 if you want a certificate.
I'm going for the certificate.. i want something tangible to show if I do manage to survive this.

http://parenthing12to20.onlineclasse...ssons%2Ehtm%3F


Hope all are good, sorry I have not time to look at other posts I have a lot of stuff to do. My court case looms, i have to do responses for my super money draining solicitors etc.

xxx
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Old 29th April 2010, 06:05 PM   #12
mdmquincy
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Re: Stop focusing on the hurt start focusing on the healing

Courses? *sniff, sniff* I love courses! I'll check them out. Sorry about the hormonal surge at your house. Teens can be rough. My own is having a difficult time with all the stuff with my h, add in hormones and BAM!
Love her unconditionally but firmly. She is your prize, maybe just a little tarnished at the moment.
Love, J
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Old 6th June 2010, 04:11 AM   #13
georgie
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Re: Stop focusing on the hurt start focusing on the healing

Hi (I've already posted this on Facebook) It's an interesting article about understanding the differences between the sexes rather then going into battle against them x
http://www.project-syndicate.org/com...wolf12/English
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Old 20th June 2010, 04:20 PM   #14
georgie
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Re: Stop focusing on the hurt start focusing on the healing

This is quite cute...
Installing Love

Tech Support: Yes, how can I help you?

Customer: Well , after much consideration, I've decided to install Love.
Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?


Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?


Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are Running?

Tech Support: What programs are running?

Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

TechSupport: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer Disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

Customer: I don't Know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not running on internal components." What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before We hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules toeveryone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.
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Old 20th June 2010, 11:10 PM   #15
JWD
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Re: Stop focusing on the hurt start focusing on the healing

Brilliant. where did you find it?
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“One day you’re going to wake up and realize how much you care about her and how amazing she really is… and when that day comes she’ll be waking up next to the man who already knew”
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