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Old 30th July 2007, 05:05 AM   #1
Suzi2000
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He cheated, but we want to work it out

Hi there, I'm new. Last week I would not have believed that I would be on this forum. But I'm sure that's the same for a lot of people.

A week ago I found out I was pregnant with our second child. Two days later I found out about the affair. I had what I thought was a great marriage, over the last 15 years we have fallen deeper in love. The sex, although stale at times had some amazing times. I know at times things were a bit hard - but I always put it down to having a son and being tired trying to work, keep house etc etc. I would never have believed he would have looked else where.

While away with work, on the second night he invited her up to his room, they were intimate but he stopped it before it got too far. When he came home he says this is when the connection happened, they emailed, text and talked on the phone. He nearly went to meet her(she does not live in this country) but at the last minute he couldn't go and cancelled. But they still kept talking.

When I found out - he was honest with me. He has answered all my questions and said it was because he felt I pushed him away at times. Along with problems in work and with other parts of life. He just needed to escape. He says he loves me and he is sorry, he wants to work it out. I believe him but it hurts so much. We have been intimate since I found out - partly because I want to show him we still have it and also because I need to be loved. It has been amazing but at times I think about her. I know it is love we are making but then I get so angry with him. Why didn't he tell me before it went this far, how could he think we were in that much trouble. Then I think about him being with her and the pain is indescribable.

How do we get past this? will we? I need to know we will eventually be ok. I need to know how to get through.

Please help me,
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Old 30th July 2007, 03:19 PM   #2
Kate
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Re: He cheated, but we want to work it out

Dear Suzi

What a lot to face - a new pregnancy and your husband's revelations. No wonder you are churned up at the moment.

I think that most people who have been through infidelity will tell you that it takes time to take on board what has happened and for the hurts to heal and trust to be re-built. Although your husband has been tempted, he seems to have held back. That sounds as if he really does care about you and your marriage, and that is something to build on.

There is a section on the site about infidelity which contains some articles which you may find helpful. I hope you can keep talking to him and sharing what you are struggling with so he can help you.

There will also be lots to talk about with the prospect of another child. See if you can both be honest about the impact that is going to have on your lives and how you can support each other and enjoy the family responsibilities together.

All the best

Kate
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Old 30th July 2007, 03:26 PM   #3
Suzi2000
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Re: He cheated, but we want to work it out

Thanks Kate, I have had a look at those articles and they have helped some what. It's just hard to accept what has happened, I keep asking if it was so bad, why didn't he let me know before this happened. Also, the thoughts and images of them together are horrible. I do take hope from the fact he didn't let it go too far in that sense, but some times I question his honesty. I do believe he has been honest because when I ask him questions some of the responses do hurt - but he says you did ask me to be honest!

We have talked about the baby, he is excited. Also, I shared my concerns about how tired I will be after the birth and I don't want to be worrying about him.

One day at a time I suppose.
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Old 31st July 2007, 09:41 AM   #4
Suzi2000
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Re: He cheated, but we want to work it out

Oh Hell, I'm having a bad day today. Last night we had a good night together. We all sat together over dinner and once our baby was in bed we talked and did some stuff together. We lay on the sofa talking and watching TV and then of course his hands started wandering. I was tired so I didn't want to do anything, but also I want to know we can have times like that without it always leading to sex. It has been bothering me all morning and now I realise why. He said the connection only happened with her when he came home, when they talked. How come it is about sex with me and not a connection in the way they had. I might be being irrational - but hey, I'm hurt and angry so I don't expect I will be rational for a while.

He also has suggested romantic gestures, but they haven't actually happened. I feel bad for feeling this way, I don't understand
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Old 3rd August 2007, 03:57 AM   #5
mimi
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Re: He cheated, but we want to work it out

Your story sounds so close to mind, and I need help. I feel your pain. I'm new here too. My husband and I have been married 16 yrs, and lived together and dated an additional two. He cheated on me for several months this year. All I wanted to do is die. I really thought my life was over. I couldn't believe he did this to me. I love this man more than anything else in the world, and he hurt me so bad. He was in my face with it to. Talking on the phone every minute my back was turned, or not turned. He destroyed many things in me. The other woman was older (even looked 10 more yrs than actual), and very unattractive. Of course, this has hurt my self esteem too.
I cry everyday still. It still hurts so much. He wants to stay together, and so do I. We do not talk about it anymore. He said he wants to forget it completely. he said it was a HUGH mistake, and he wishes more than anything he could take it back. Of course he can't, and I'm left with all the pain. He said he loves me, but fell out of love with me. Than few days go by, and he said it was the wrong choice of words. A few more days go by, again he says he fell out of love with me. This is killing me. I don't understand what he means. My question is: can people fall iback in love, once they fall out? I've always thought, once you fell out, it was impossible to get it back. No matter how much you may want to. Please help me.

Last edited by mimi; 3rd August 2007 at 04:01 AM. Reason: added line.
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Old 3rd August 2007, 09:23 AM   #6
Suzi2000
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Re: He cheated, but we want to work it out

Mimi, I'm so sorry for your pain. I agree that we are now the ones left with the pain. My husband said when I found out a huge wait was lifted off his shoulders. But it is now onto mine. He has been good and let me ask questions and talk about it, but I feel now after a week if I ask he is thinking will she ever give up.

It is good that he said he wants to work it out, it will take time. I find it hard that he thought things were wrong enough for him to take those steps. It is something I feel will only heal with time.

I agree about the self esteem, we have been intimate together since and I question if I am good enough. I also think about him not finding me attractive but I think if they want to work it out they will let us know how they do.

Mimi, I don't know if I have the answers but do talk to me, maybe we can help eachother. I have only told one friend and she has been brilliant. It is good to talk to someone who is not involved.

Good luck
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Old 3rd August 2007, 11:01 PM   #7
Raymond
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Re: He cheated, but we want to work it out

Mimi love is a commitment as well as a feeling. In marriage there should always be the commitment. Right feelings always follow it. It will work if you both really commit to it. These things are very possible indeed and can be worked out, so please do not make the feeling the very top of the list as important as it is. It can be worked out with faithfulness and commitment, both a part of love. It's the same as your commitment to your children. You don't think I don't feel I love them anymore. It's much deeper than that.

Raymond
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Old 4th August 2007, 12:57 AM   #8
mimi
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Re: He cheated, but we want to work it out

Thanks for the replies to my letter.
Raymond, I'm going to try, and not put that at the top of my list. It's just part of the pain I'm dealing with, and had to get it out. My husband and I were very close. We had a marriage that all our friends looked up to. Everyone is in shock right now. I've had so many friends tell me, they were inspired by us, and can't believe this has happened. I know I should not be ashamed, but somehow I am the one who walks with their head hung. I am ashamed, and I am embarassed.

Suzi, my husband told me that he was hoping to get caught. He said he didn't know how to stop it., and it got out of control. I'm like you, and just had to know everything. He answered everything honestly, no matter how much it hurt. Believe me, it did HURT! I felt like if I got all my answers, the questions in my head would stop. I quit asking now, because he wants to forget it. I wish he would talk to me alittle more. We don't have to talk about her, just let me know how he's feeling, and why? I think he got to the point, he was afraid of hurting me more. I'm just taking it one day at a time right now. Some days I wish I could wake up, and end the nightmare. Other days I wish I could go to sleep, and never wake up.

All I know is I've loved this man with all my heart for the last 18 years, and I'm going to do whatever I can to get US through this. I know in my heart, we belong together.
Thanks,
Mimi
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Old 4th August 2007, 09:55 AM   #9
Raymond
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Re: He cheated, but we want to work it out

I hope it works out Mimi. Your husband sounds sorry and hopefully he has learned that he cannot do that.

Your trust has been broken and will take time to come back and for you to be healed. It does take quite a long time but you don't have to be rock bottom while it's coming back. You have been hurt, but together you can overcome.

Raymond
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Old 4th August 2007, 01:34 PM   #10
Suzi2000
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Re: He cheated, but we want to work it out

Mimi, our situation sounds so similar! My OH answered all the questions and I now have stopped asking as I feel I know enough. However, he doesn't tell me how he feels. Last night I couldn't sleep all I could think was why did he invite her up to his room? Why couldn't he realise that we would be ok.

I think mine wanted to be found out too to make it stop and I truly believe it has but I still don't trust him. I want to, but I did before and look where that got me. Do not think about not waking up - you have so much to live for. For what its worth, my parents went through the same thing and they are now together and one of the most in love couples I know. SO people can make it work. We need to believe that and remember time will heal.

we'll get there.

Suzi
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Old 6th August 2007, 02:49 PM   #11
mimi
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Re: He cheated, but we want to work it out

Thanks for the advise. I am feeling better everyday. At least the awful revenge thoughts have stopped. I know the hurt will take time, and I am willing to wait. It doesn't make it any eaiser. I just wake up every day, and try to get through it as best as I can. I can honestly say, there's not a single minute of any day the thoughts are not on my mind. I had a beautiful marriage. I thought we were the PERFECT couple. Everything I believed in has been destroyed, and I know it will not be an easy fix. But it does help to talk here, and read books. I appreciate all who listen. Even if I tend to repeat some things. I have always been one of the most organized people I know, and that has even been destroyed. My work has suffered. My home has suffered. My son has been the blunt of my anger. None of this is the real me....and I hate what this has done to me.

Suzi,
Like you, I too look at my husband everyday, and wander why? How can he say he loves me, never stopped loving me, and hurt me so bad? There was nothing about our marriage that was so bad to make him stray. He didn't talk to me, didn't give me a chance, just went to someone else. That part really hurts. I thought we could talk about anything. Now I know different. The very hard part is getting the images out of my head. Every time I close my eyes, and even in my dreams, I see them together. Maybe you can understand that part. It's hurts very much to see the man I have loved for so long kiss, touch, and be with another woman, the way he should be with me, and me only!
I asked him why he kept going back to her, even after we were together?
He said it was like "having your cake, and eating it to". I know in my heart, it would still be going on, if I hadn't stopped him. He said he went crazy for awhile, and didn't think about anything. Well I can understand that part, because if he truly loved me, there is no way he could do the things he did to me. I don't know all of your story, but my husband worked out of town, and would go with her. Then he would come home to me. He was living a double life. Then it got out of control with her, and he came home less, and called me less. When I begged him to come home, (Memorial weekend) I wanted him so much, he made the excuse he had to work. He did not have to. He could have come home. He chose to stay with the other woman. He chose her over me, and that really hurts. There are things he did through out the relationship that I am having trouble dealing with. For me, it was not just the sex. Do you understand that?
Anyway, thanks for listening, keep posting, and I'll pray for you, while you pray for me.
Thanks,
Mimi
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Old 6th August 2007, 04:29 PM   #12
Suzi2000
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Re: He cheated, but we want to work it out

Mimi, we should really meet- we have so much in common. I am sitting here today feeling so bad because I have done nothing but snap at my son. He is being difficult but I think it is because I do not have the energy to deal with him the way I used to. My work would be suffering but I'm off on sick leave - I found out I was pregnant two days before the awful news and have the worst morning sickness. It could be worse because of the awful situation.

I have actually felt worse than I did at the start. I haven't let him near me because I feel so foolish. I believe in my heart that he is sorry and has cut all contact with her but I keep trying to catch him out. Mimi, my husband was only with her once and didn't go the whole way - he said he stopped her as he couldn't go on. So I should be grateful for that, but he talked to her a lot. I saw some of the emails and it hurts the way he spoke to her - sometimes I feel he doesn't speak to me like that.

He tells me he is sorry and only wants me, but it hurts so much that he was this way with someone else. I couldn't think about being with anyone else, even now. I like you, hate what he has done and what he has made me become. I'm not a nice person at the moment and everything is suffering. I wish I could make it all go away.

Like yourself, I think it helps to talk here even though I don't think anyone really wants to listen. But it helps me as I really cannot talk to anyone else.

Thanks
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Old 6th August 2007, 09:58 PM   #13
Raymond
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Re: He cheated, but we want to work it out

Don't mind us. It's good that you talk together as you have a lot in common. You have both been betrayed although there is hope in both your situations. I hope both your men have fully learned their lesson. Your trust has been broken and you are both struggling, which is understandable. It took a long time for that trust to be built up, but it was broken in one go. It will take time to build and it cannot be rushed. If your husbands are truly sorry and you want to receive them back then your forgiveness must happen at some stage for wholeness to come back into your marriages.

There is so much going on in films, media, T.V. etc. It's as if a story is not interesting without adultery two timing etc. and some of this can rub off and get into men's minds, but we musn't let it. The reality is that faithfulness is a wonderful uplifting quality, not only for our partners but for our children as well.

Raymond
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Old 7th August 2007, 05:13 AM   #14
Suzi2000
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Re: He cheated, but we want to work it out

Thanks Raymond! I'm up during the night because I cannot sleep, but to be honest I think it more the morning sickness than the other. I think after posting here yesterday I managed to put it at the back of my mind for the first time and had a lovely evening as a family and then as a couple. I suppose over time, as these add up it will get easier.

We were going to go away for our anniversary next month, but part of me thought it was too soon. Now we are talking about revisiting somewhere we went before it all happened in November. I feel happier with this as I think we will be healed more and I think we would enjoy it more and hopefully it will not be brought up. It is also something to look forward to.

I hope these positive feelings last.
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Old 7th August 2007, 08:26 AM   #15
Raymond
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Re: He cheated, but we want to work it out

You are wise Suzi in picking and choosing what you can handle. You seem to be going forward however tentatively. You are doing the best you can do in the situation. Hopefully over time things can gradually heal and trust can gradually be restored. It's the only way forward as far as I can see.

Raymond
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