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Old 17th October 2007, 07:46 PM   #1
Rachel
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Posts: n/a
rebuildng

Hi
I don't know really where to start, I did post a long time ago , and found the conversations really helpful. Thankyou all.
To recap then, my husband had an affair with my friend (so I thought) which he finished very quickly, as a christian he knew is was wrong and that he had made vows to me before God and he had to honour them , and try and rebuild our marriage and work out where we had gone wrong, the woman he had the affair with did not make that very easy, she made our life a misery for 4 years. She is now out of the picture, we were doing great, until another friend of mine started to talk to him and confide in him , they have a good frendship. I started to feel very uncomfortable about the friendship, not because I knew something was going on, because they had both assured me they would not do that to me or to themselves, she had been through alot too and promised me she would not do that to me. BUT .... I just could not shake off the fear that even though they said they wouldn't go there, they may not know the feelings were going that way until it was too late, and I was terrified. I became very irrational, and caused myself and them alot of stress and upset, I guess what I would like to know is has anyone else been in this situation and is there any advice you can give me, I don't want either of us to loose another friend, especially when there is no reason to doubt their word at all. I just don't seem to be able to trust him, I love him so much and really want to get past this, but it is effecting us sexually as well as emotionally, he has been very supportive and understanding, but he finds it frustrating, as in his eyes this time he has done nothing to be ashamed of and doesn't know how to handle it. please help
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Old 21st October 2007, 02:35 PM   #2
Kate
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Join Date: Feb 2000
Posts: 1,115
Re: rebuildng

Dear Rachel

Welcome back here. I am sorry to hear that things are difficult again for you.

It is very difficult to learn to trust again after our husband or wife has let us down. You have probably rebuilt that trust so far, but the real measure of that is when a new situation happens like you are in now. Did you have a look at the article on trust last time that you were here. It might be worth having a look again to see what it is that you and your husband need to do for each other at this point.

It may be that you need to see your friend only as a couple rather than your husband spending time with her on her own. Would that help to build up your confidence? Another thought is to find ways to let your husband know when you are feeling insecure and need more reassurance, rather than bottling it up and reacting in an unhelpful way. Our feelings aren't right or wrong, but they are signs of what is going on inside us. What can be judged as right or wrong is the way we act when we have those feelings. I find that when I am anxious about something it helps if I can tell my husband that is what is going on inside and now he accepts that is where I am at that moment, then I can act more rationally.

Showing that you appreciate his commitment and faithfulness now may help him to come through this with you.

All the best

Kate
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