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Old 5th February 2010, 05:12 PM   #1
hurtingsomuch1
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Angry Wife just had affair so how do I cope

I new to this so be gentle with me.

My partner of 15 years , wife of 2 has had a fling with her boss. She has told me that this is definately a symptom of a larger problem and breakdown in our marriage, which I agree.

I love her so much and hate her so much !!

I have said she can come back into the house and we can try again which she said she wants to do. The thing is she says that she had the affair because we had broken down and a part of this being that there is still something missing for her. Doesn't sound a good deal for me does it.

So why do I feel so ashamed for wanting to try.

Most of the time I am ok with the idea of trying but then thoughts creep up on me that I'm not strong enough and I just want to give up.

It was so good when it was good and she says she wholeheartedly wants that back. But I didn't cheat and its me waiting for the promises ?

Any advice, please
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Old 5th February 2010, 06:13 PM   #2
luce
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Re: Wife just had affair so how do I cope

Oh Hurtingsomuch, it is so painful i know.

I can understand why you would feel ashamed for wanting to try and work things out but honestly it is not a shame issue to want to try and save your marriage. You have been together 15yrs - it is understandable that you would want to try and work things out. And i would say that it shows what a great guy you are.

My husband is living with the other woman (she used to be his boss in his last job) so that is not a bridge i have had to cross but if i did then i would certainly want some ground rules. Marriage counselling would be high on the agenda for me.

There are many people on this forum that are much further down the road than me so i am sure they will be along soon. In the meantime, i am sorry you find yourself here but at same time you are in right place for support.

Warm wishes
Luce.
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Old 5th February 2010, 10:01 PM   #3
dalesman
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Re: Wife just had affair so how do I cope

Hurting
I,m sorry for you mate , been there , done it , got the tee shirt . The shame you talk about is more likely to be pride. A common reaction, especially amongst us blokes.

You have to decide if you are able to genuinely forgive and start again. If you cant then it will fester inside making it impossible for you to rebuild or be happy in the future. Next you have to keep an open mind and be prepared listen to your wife. Decide if her criticisms of you are genuine or simply justification for her affair. Take things slowly and avoid bitter recrimination.
Ask your self if you are capable of doing all the aforementioned. Some people just cannot and there is no shame in this.

Finally in my experience an affair changes a relationship permanently it can never be the same again, however if you both really want it, it can be even better than it was before.
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Old 6th February 2010, 12:48 PM   #4
Raymond
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Re: Wife just had affair so how do I cope

It surely can. You have a long way to go so you need to start now.

Her affair is not your fault. Having an affair is never justified as it is unfaithfulness. She did wrong so it is not your fault.

However, she seems to have repented and wants to make a go of it and you seem to have forgiven her.

You are afraid it will still be the same but it doesn't have to be. You are now going to work on it which perhaps you did not do before.

Number one I would say is loving her, not just the feelings but with the will as well. This includes understanding her and wanting the best for her. Tall order isn't it? But you can do it. Love is much more than just feeling it now, it is motivation for finding out how to improve things. You will know all the things which can be improved.

For starters what is her love language? We all have one. What is it that she perceives as love in a special way. Find out if it is Quality Time, Act of Service, Gifts, Touch (hugs etc. not sex just here) or words of affirmation. One of those will be her prime love language. It's not the be end abd all of it but it will be a start. What did her boss convey that you don't? Was it one of these? When you do it, it may not seem much to you but it will to her. Once you make the habit of it you will love it too.

Does she like flowers to be taken out or is it quality time at home? Work on it whatever it is. Being a good husband is a very important calling and it will take everything you are but it is worth it. Don't worry what she is doing, just do it. She wants to work at it too by the sound of it but you need to concentrate on your bit.

Raymond
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Old 7th February 2010, 04:25 AM   #5
JWD
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Re: Wife just had affair so how do I cope

Hi Hurting,

Don't be ashamed of wanting your marriage to work, we all understand that. It will be a long hard road to forgiving fully and putting it past you but of course it can be done. I would say that you would need professional counselling to help you both understand why it happened and how to come to terms with trust issued and building you marriage again.

I wish you all the luck and patience in the world to recovering from this.

Keep posting as it helps dealing with the emotions that arise from adultry.
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“One day you’re going to wake up and realize how much you care about her and how amazing she really is… and when that day comes she’ll be waking up next to the man who already knew”
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Old 7th February 2010, 07:02 AM   #6
georgie
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Re: Wife just had affair so how do I cope

Hi H,
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It irks me that so often these 'deep rooted marital issues' are only brought out in to the open as a means of attack being the best form of defence.
If there are issues, the solution can never be to enter in to an emotional or sexual relationship with a 3rd party.. that is a selfish act and there is no excuse for it.
Having said that, we are all capable of being selfish at times, and if your wife genuinely regrets the betrayal then I think you have something to work with. Her guilty concience may make her want to blame you for the affair, but it was most certainly not your fault no matter how your relationship was... if she felt that way, it was her responsibility to come to you and be honest with you about how she was feeling and what the likely outcome would be if things continued unchanged between you.
So, I think if both of you are 100% committed to healing your relationship that yes you can do it. I do not think that you should be the one waiting for the promises.
I wish you all the luck in the world, as JWD says keep posting, it honestly does help.
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Old 7th February 2010, 09:34 PM   #7
hurtingsomuch1
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Re: Wife just had affair so how do I cope

Dalesman,

Thanks for this. I thelps.

Just one thing though. I 've had a pretty rough weekend of it, throwing accusations etc. I guess the bitter recrimination you talk about !

I think I'm done now and I do want to try. She says it CAN be better than before.

I just need somebody to tell me that if I try it truly can. Thats all I want to know ??
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Old 7th February 2010, 09:37 PM   #8
hurtingsomuch1
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Re: Wife just had affair so how do I cope

Raymond,

Really kind words. A real help.

I'm just so scared of more rejection. What we had was the best. Can it be the same ? Reassurance required.
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Old 7th February 2010, 09:44 PM   #9
hurtingsomuch1
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Re: Wife just had affair so how do I cope

Georgie,

Thanks for that. This site is a real help, as are your words.

I just want to make sure that she is happy and that by doing that "we" are happy.

My problem is one of letting go. I have challenged her enough to know she is telling the truth yet nothing she says will do. I know she wants to try. She has arranged the marriage counselling - somebody help before I get totally paranoid
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Old 8th February 2010, 09:00 AM   #10
clockwork orange
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Re: Wife just had affair so how do I cope

Hi Hurting

Raymond and sdm have both given good advice, to which I can't really add anything. Sounds like you need some reassurance :

Yes it can be better than before.

I am a wife who had an affair. We both decided we wanted to try. It took and still takes a lot of hard work, and if not for our faith with God at the centre it would not have been possible.

It is important that you both learn to talk and discuss issues without getting critical and vindictive - this is where the counselling is helpful.

Keep coming back here - you will always find support and friendly ears!!
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Old 8th February 2010, 10:41 AM   #11
hurtingsomuch1
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Re: Wife just had affair so how do I cope

To all of you, thanks. It does help.

Moving on I have managed to get a grip of my anger and stopped tearing her down. She has handed in her notice. There may be a job on the table at the same company but completely different division.

I feel I should support this but in my paranoid eyes could there still be contact with that man ? Will I ever get over the whats she doing right now syndrome? Can I trust again? I want to but I dont feel anywhere near strong enough yet.

How can I put it ? I can't keep her in the house but it would be a start - for me. She would do this, but I know its not fair.

I think we are moving forward but the steps are slower and more painful than I ever imagined.

She pretty much asked me to stop being angry, show a glimmer of my former self. My guard was and still is up somewhat.However, I managed to get it down and get to the raw me for a little while last night and when we talked it didn't feel like she was ready.

She is dealing with a lot though. This has forced her to move away from a job she loves, her family doesen't like her right now. We have no real friends to speak of as we had been so close together that we thought we could take on the world together forever. She says I have to be patient as everything she knows is upside down and that she knows she has done it to herself.

I am about as vulnerable as vulnerable can be. To let my guard down, as a man, after all of this was really tough. And I just feel so rejected although I know she is trying - does that make sense to anybody.

Even after all this I love her. I know I do. But I am not that strong and can feel that love would turn to resentment over time. How do I do this and keep strong ?
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Old 8th February 2010, 10:10 PM   #12
dalesman
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Re: Wife just had affair so how do I cope

hurting,
The way I see things is this.

After an affair the relationship dies. it is effectively destroyed.

However with love , commitment and patience from both partners a new relationship can be built where both partners are more committed than previously. Both partners understand what went wrong, and both understand the warning signs.

It takes a big man to forgive adultery and some just cannot do it. But the best way to look at this is that it happened to different people in a different relationship at a different place in time.

Hope this helps
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Old 8th February 2010, 10:54 PM   #13
koliver0821
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Re: Wife just had affair so how do I cope

Quote:
Originally Posted by dalesman View Post
hurting,
The way I see things is this.

After an affair the relationship dies. it is effectively destroyed.

However with love , commitment and patience from both partners a new relationship can be built where both partners are more committed than previously. Both partners understand what went wrong, and both understand the warning signs.

It takes a big man to forgive adultery and some just cannot do it. But the best way to look at this is that it happened to different people in a different relationship at a different place in time.

Hope this helps
I dont completely agree because the relationship hasn't died. HOWEVER, the rest of it is still very true. I agree that at the center of my ability to get over the affair was God. Actually I turned to god even before the affair. What I've learned is that the power of forgiveness in of itself is a gift of love. When my wife revealed her affair, I wasn't angry. I was shocked and devastated. I'll be honest, I was expecting something else to be said when she admitted to it. (something far worse in my mind. That when we kiss, she doesnt feel anything) After she admitted to the affair, my life crumbled for the next 15 hours. I didnt sleep. Ultimately, I spoke to my therapist, played some indoor soccer and drank a glass of wine. My wife was shocked at how I was. A mere 12 hours before, i was crying like a baby. In that time, I found myself. Definitely a weakened me but me never the less.

Sure Trust will need to be rebuilt. No, it will need to be earned. She will need to be even more transparent than before. Your wife will have to be the same way. She will need to learn how to communicate what her issues are. Maybe she needs to see how much you love her. Learn to speak her love language. (This is a new concept to me but Im about to read this book by Dr. Chapman on Love languages) You are allowed to check up on but tell her what you are feeling at that time. Tell her you are afraid to get hurt again. That you do love her but she needs to help you get over the affair as well. But dont forget that there are reasons why she had the affair. Although she is at fault for the affair, there are forces that led her to it. Read the articles on this forum. You will be surprised at the info that is available. Its helped me immeasurably.
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