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Old 29th September 2010, 12:21 PM   #16
gtyrel
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

Well, its over my fiance is on his way over today to start sorting out all our house things. i am in such a mess i cant believe its all over and he really isnt coming home! i just feel my whole life has just come to an end i cant see how to ever get through this i love him so much!i just cant believe he wont ever be here again or wont hold me or just talk to me when i have a **** day.

Sorry i just wanted to kinda update on what was now happening x
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Old 29th September 2010, 02:30 PM   #17
Wiggle
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

Hi,

Huge, huge hugs, It completely knocks you for six and you feel like a total wreck, I know.

Please get 'How get past your break-up...' by Susan Elliott (Amazon). I wish I'd had that book when I was in the early stages where you are now - don't try and get through the whole thing in one go, just read the first bit on dealing with the immediate pain first. She's got some very practical tips, it's not just all waffle.

Be good to yourself. Take yourself out for a massage, a haircut, to a Comedy Club, to friends, and wail and vent anywhere you can. It's hard. It doesn't get easier quickly, but the pain does ease.

Your grandmother died. That puts stress on anyone and yes, that can come out in a relationship. He should have talked it over with you. For him to give you 'chances' without first discussing what he thought was the issue is, quite frankly, arrogant and sounds like he was looking for excuses to put the blame on you.

This is just my two-pennyworth, but I agree with other posters - from what I've been reading on your thread for him to chuck in the towel that quickly and easily, he wasn't as committed to you and the relationship as he should be to get married. I sincerely hope in time you'll look back and think 'That was a lucky escape!' but I know you can't think like that right now.

Take care of yourself,

Ax
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Old 29th September 2010, 04:34 PM   #18
dazed and confused
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

Hi

The keeping busy does help but doesn't get rid of the pain. I know right now all you can do is play everything over in your head but it will drive you crazy I know. I think the book Wiggles talks about sounds like a good idea.I've tried to find it here but can't seem to find it. I wish I could say something wise and will heal your pain but right now I find it hard to give advice.I do know your pain and I'm here when you want to vent.


Big Hugs Val
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Old 29th September 2010, 05:57 PM   #19
JWD
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It's the worst feelig in the world and you will feel like your life has no purpose now BUT, it does. I know you don't want to hear or think it but he is a Rat bag but at least he hasn't went through with the marriage.

It's ok for you to analyse your behaviour in the relationship but please don't start taking the blame for everything. I know exactly what you mean when you say you didn't realise these were your last chances when your Gran passed away. Couples do take moods out on each other occassionally - I'm not saying it's right but we're only human and I bet you supported him when he was the same.

Get yourself that book wiggle mentioned as it really is great.

Keep posting and get your thoughts out your system and let us know how you are doing

xxx
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Old 1st October 2010, 08:46 PM   #20
gtyrel
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

Hi everyone,

thanks you for your opinions, the last few days have been really hard he has moved out most of his stuff and we have started to change all the house bills over into my name. all the wedding things have been cancelled to. but he has just totally refused to do anything with it all he refused to phone any of the wedding stuff or phone any of our bills or bank to change anything. It has just made it so much worse i don't want any of this i still love him i wanted us to try he wants its all over but doesnt want to do anything with it all.

he has started getting really nasty and has been telling me that i am trying to basically take him for everything he has and give him nothing and i dont get why he is accusing me of all of this. he has started demanding my engagement ring back and then got really mad when i said i wanted to keep it as its pretty much all i have left of when he used to love me.

I just seem to be spending all my time crying again i cant cope with this at all i just think i am falling apart i am so scared of what is gonna happen with everything and i just feel so totally alone!

Sorry if this post doesnt make any sense i am just ranting away to stop me contacting him! we were always such good friends and when i was upset it was him that made me feel better so now that its him that has me this upset just all feels so wrong.

Thank you again xx
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Old 1st October 2010, 09:46 PM   #21
Wiggle
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

Oh Gtyrel, what an A*se!

He is accusing you of all of this and making you do all the dirty work because he's an obnoxious coward who can't deal with his own guilt over this, so he's taking the easy route out by blaming you. I know too that you won't see it like that at this time- we make so many excuses for them before we start to get angry!

I am so, so sorry you're having to go through this.

Good on you for using this site rather than contacting him. That's the way forward; I know it's difficult to break such a strong habit, but you can't look for healing and comfort from the one who's caused this pain. A large part of the confusion comes from trying to wrap our heads around the fact that the person who seemed to care the most now seems to care the least. It hurts.

We're here, we know, we know too you deserve better than this and it does get less painful. Vent away.

Hugs, Ax
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Old 1st October 2010, 11:09 PM   #22
gtyrel
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

Thanks A,

I know everything you said is true! I hate that he has been making me do all this,i am the one that is so upset but its me that needs to has to phone everyone and repeat over and over again that my partner has left me.

I think thats what makes it so hard as all i keep thinking is this is the person i was meant to be spending my life with who apparently loved me so much is now being this way and hurting me so much!

i have made every excuse for him and i think he knows that i love him so much that he is just taking advantage now of it. even yesterday when i said he couldnt have my engagement ring back he actually said "if you loved me as much as you said you would be wanting to help me with money!" i just think money wise we are both in a mess now but thats his doing not mine.

thanks for your support xx
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Old 2nd October 2010, 05:27 AM   #23
chosen
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

gtryel
To be honest, if he couldnt cope with your anger and grief at loosing your grandmother, he woudnt have been able to cope with other hard things in life, that many of us have have over the years. I know it isnt much comfort, but its easier to have this happen now, than years later after the marriage and maybe with children involved as well.
It is painful of course, but give it time, it will get better and less painful. All the plans that you had for your future with him are gone, and it will take time to see a future without him, but it will happen.My advise is, once you get all the practical stuff sorted, dont see him again. Seeing him will only prolong the pain and stop the healing.
It would be good if he could sit down with you, and tell you the reasons why he has done this, thats the least he should do.

Some advice for the future, dont live with a guy again unless he marries you first, this will show his 100% committment to you.
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Old 2nd October 2010, 03:55 PM   #24
gtyrel
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

Well he came over today, to start taking away more of his stuff,the things i had to pack up because he just kept getting angry at me when he had to do it.

Today he has said he loved me so much and was so in love with me and wanted our life and us to get married and have a family and thats why he proposed an why we bought our house together. But over the last year he has just been so unhappy and he nos he should of talked to me but he just bottled it all up and now he doesnt want it. an he thinks maybe he is to selfish for a relationship he wants to go out whenever he wants stay out as late as he wants!

That really hurts so much that he wanted all of that but because of me moaning and things its just got so bad! he was meant to be coming back here tonight to get more of his stuff and for us to start going through things we jointly own.

Thank you for everyones support x
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Old 2nd October 2010, 05:41 PM   #25
chosen
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

That shows that he isnt ready for a committed relationship. He still wants to do as he likes,when he likes, and for as long as he likes, and when you are married, you always need to consider the other person. He may be 29, but he still isnt mature enough to share his life with another person, and certainly not with children.
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Old 2nd October 2010, 10:51 PM   #26
Wiggle
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

Hi Gtyrel,

Quote:
he wants to go out whenever he wants stay out as late as he wants!
My ex said exactly the same; "I want to do what I want to, when I want to" and "It's easier being single, I don't have to worry about anyone else". Fine. Do we want to be with someone that immature and selfish? It takes time to realise that we deserve better.

It didn't get bad just because of 'your moaning'; you were in a rotten place because of a death in your family, and HE never communicated to you. Do not blame yourself for this. He's immature and irresponsible - proven by the fact he's not even man enough to pack his own stuff up.

Quote:
"if you loved me as much as you said you would be wanting to help me with money!"
! And if he loved you as much as he says he did, he wouldn't be doing this to you! Yuck, you are SO much better off without this leech. It sounds like what he is looking for is a doormat.

It hurts, it hurts, and when you're vulnerable it's all to easy to believe there's something in them blaming you and accept it. He's dumping his guilt on you; don't accept it.

As soon as his stuff it out of your place - and I know the temptation will be there to hang on to some of it but don't - cut contact with him completely. He will probably try to contact you but all he will want, no matter what he might hint, is to boost his ego by knowing he can pull you back in again. Don't fall for it, go No Contact (N/C) and stay that way. It will save you months of grief (I know, been there!) and you will be able to move on sooner. I'm not saying it will be a quick and easy road to the other side of this pain, but you will get there a lot faster without his baggage weighing you down.

Take care, and look after yourself.

Ax
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Old 2nd October 2010, 11:06 PM   #27
gtyrel
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

Thank you, i think thats why i no i am being an idiot because my head keeps doing well maybe in a few months he will come back maybe he will change his mind and come back. But i know everyone is right he has no intention to ever come back if he did he would of by now.

I kinda would of preffered him to say that i just wasnt the one rather than make out its the timing of it all. we have been engaged for long enough and live together long enough so i just think he could be more honest to me!

Thank you for all your kind words it has been good having people to talk to that have all been there xx
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Old 3rd October 2010, 11:09 AM   #28
Helen_uk
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

Can I just add one thing to Wiggle's excellent post above ?

Don't feel guilty for still loving him , you don't stop loving someone over night no matter how badly they behave . It takes time and it just shows that you have a heart and he doesn't.

Don't however let yourself sit and wait , often they give false hope when they have no intention of coming back , it helps them ease the guilty feelings . Act as though it's final and eventually it will be in your heart . Nobody is worth wasting precious life waiting for if they don't want to be with you.

Hugs

Helen x
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Old 3rd October 2010, 12:31 PM   #29
Wiggle
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

Hi Gtyrel,

If you're being an 'idiot', then there's a whole forum of other idiots here too. You're being human - hope is one of the better human characteristics, and hope is why we hang in there for a bit. It takes a while to recognise it's hurting us.

Helen's spot on - she helped me a lot when I first came on here. It takes time to realise that they aren't who we thought they were. That I find is the saddest part for me - I thought he was an honest, genuine, nice chap. Turns out he's secretive to the point of dishonesty, presents an 'image' of how he thinks he should be to the rest of the world because he 'doesn't know who he is', is an emotional coward, and seems to revel in dishing out emotional abuse. Sad.

And yes, I wish mine had been more up front with me earlier too- it's taken him 8 months of 'I don't know' and 'I'm not sure' to come out with anything close to 'I want to end this'. It's cruel, and they do it out of cowardice.

I know it's hard not too, but please, please try not to beat yourself up. Learn from this and take the lessons forward with you. Sounds to me like you might need to so some work on your self-esteem (I know I need to).

Big hugs,

Ax
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Old 3rd October 2010, 01:31 PM   #30
gtyrel
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Re: I need help, i don't know if i am in the right place

Thanks everyone, he came over this morning to get he rest of his things. I just feel so much of the stuff he wants to leave are the thigs of when we were a couple and thats hard its like he wants it to just disappear. Wiggle i dont know how you managed 8 months of i dont knows i was a wreck after 3 weeks and i did kinda force him to an answer.

We talked when he was over tody and he said he felt he had lost who he was and thought that if he left for a couple of weeks he would find it again and be ok but that didnt happen. So now he needs to go and find himself again. I dont know if i believe any of that but thats what he was saying today.

I know he wont ever come back becaus the last few months we had been fighting and things and i know i have done to much for him to forgive me for, but it doesnt seem to be stopping me clinging on to any hope. I know i need to disappear from his life and i am tryingso hard to stop contacting him but i am struggling i try to ignore his messages but i always end up in the end contacting him.

I am so glad i have found this place because have no idea what i would of done otherwis xx
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