Even when you reconcile you can still have arguments

Hello all,

I havent started a new thread in awhile. I am usually trying to give advice as someone who had difficulties. Endured separation and reconciled.

Why I am posting now is to throw out my recent experience about an argument and explain what has changed in our relationship.

On Thursday, my wife went out with friends to celebrate a persons birthday. the plans themselves were arranged by her cousin who I don't exactly trust. (Those of you who read my original thread understand why). My wife told me about it a couple of days in advance. Not really a big deal. Im ok with her going out. For the most part, I have always trusted her. That trust was shattered when she confessed about an affair.

When we separated, it came as a total shock to me. Right after the Christmas. My wife wrote a card saying how much she loved me and appreciated all the stuff I have been doing. Then a week later we separated. At the time, she was talking to a guy. I certainly thought she was having an affair at the time. However, when it came out, the affair itself happened 6 months prior.

So why I bring this up. this party was for this guy she was talking to at the time of our separation. To this day, I havent met him. My wife tells me he is a nice guy. That he reminds her of me in a lot of ways. So my antenna is up. then on that night, it turns out that this party was only her cousin and this guy. to make matters worse, my wife tells me she will be home early and gives me an approximate time. I tell her its ok if she is late, only to give me a head's up. She comes home late. No head's up. Needless to say im disappointed. I of course keep this internal as I usually do. Im trying to figure out if Im being fair by dangling this over her head or if its just my insecurity and let it pass.

Fast forward to Saturday. I get a call to play soccer on Saturday afternoon. The game itself is on Sunday. My wife is sleeping and Im running around taking the kids to soccer, playdates and foodshopping. So as she gets up and is getting ready for work Saturday night (She works night shift as a nurse) I tell her I am playing soccer the next morning. She looks at me and gives me all sorts of attitude. She asked why I sprung it on her last minute. Then she get's even female doggier on me. Tells me that me playing soccer reminds her of our old days when we used to fight all the time and its selfish that I play.

Im ready to blow up. I mean really lose it. I dont. I take a deep breathe. Gather my thoughts quickly and spill out that, that its not fair to say that and its a cheapshot. Furthermore, when she tells me im being selfish about playing soccer on Sunday mornings (mind you she comes home and sleeps on Sunday mornings) that it comes across as very controlling. (Something I expressed to her in couples therapy). I also let her know how I felt about this other guy. Saying that it hurt me that she was home late without letting me know. I told her I wasn't trying to be controlling and Im sorry if it comes across that way. However, I havent met this guy at all. You tell me he is great guy. She then tells me I have nothing to worry about.

To me those words open scars. Those exact words were said to me several times. Before her affair. During her affair and after her affair. She immediately regrets those words as she could see what I was going to say. This is where our communication has changed. I told her about my insecurity. I mentioned that I probably wouldn't care as much if I met this guy.

Sorry for this long winded message. I just felt it was important to tell people that since my reconciliation, there are still times that we have disagreements that bring us back to our so called "dark days". However, these days, we are more forthright in our communication and doing so in a non-threatening way. (I say threatening but I don't mean it in a violent way. I only mean a way that doesn't make us instantly go on the defensive.)

[Raymond]

I'm reading it like she was having dinner with her cousin and with the chap she had an affair with. This is not only unfeeling but also very unwise if I have got it right. I understand how you feel what you feel if I have read it right. The only good point is that she wasn't alone with him. Nevertheless?

I suppose with the soccer she might be thinking of resting after night shift but instead she has to look after the children. We can all react badly when a sudden change of plan could be avoided. At the same time there is nothing wrong in playing soccer. It is good physical excercise.

Raymond, thats not the case. this guy isnt the one she had the affair with. That I know for a fact. Its only that I felt uneasy about it. One of the repurcussions of the affair is my insecurity and trust issues. They are slowly going away but there are times I backslide. Since I dont know this guy, I dont always have an easy feeling. Especially given our history. You know maybe it would have been a little different if it was more than just the 3 of them. 3 people celebrating a birthday when 10+ were expected is a little intimate (or sad if you look at the other way)

As for my soccer playing, I take the kids with me. I always have. If I dont take them I arrange for my parents to watch them so my wife can still sleep. Ive also got a few friends that i play with and we take turns watching the kids while we play. Besides, my kids actually enjoy watching me play. (and I bribe them with donuts and chocolate milk!)

[Raymond]

Obviously I got the wromg end of the stick. It is understandable how you feel though considering the history. She has to recognise that and keep things above board, not giving the wrong appearance.

I can't see the problem about the football especially as you are taking the children as well. I think you are doing well.

Thanks Raymond. As I said, the main reason for the post was to talk about the difference in communication over the past year. Last year, this would have been a huge fight. This time, we actually talked about our feelings and more importantly our fears.

We got to the bottom of the issue and we settled the issue. We didnt sweep it under the rug like we used to do.

[JWD]

Hi Koliver, thanks for the post.

I sometimes wonder if I got the easy option as my ex didn't even want to try after his affair. Maybe that was better for me in the long run as I think I would have tortured myself and him trying so hard to forgive. I know I too would have tried if given the option.

I admire you for being so strong.

[Raymond]

So long as you are moving forward in communication and understanding KOliver,that has to be a big plus.