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Old 3rd July 2010, 09:47 AM   #1
Layer Cake
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Does a broken heart ever mend?

Hello all

Posted on here a few times,

I've been split up from my wife for 16 months now, her choice cos she was having an affair,

My heart is still breaking, I'm struggling so much I don't know what more to do to get my head right,

Any Advice???????
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Old 3rd July 2010, 10:40 PM   #2
dalesman
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Re: Does a broken heart ever mend?

Hi Layer Cake,
Firstly stop trying to force a recovery, stop thinking that you will wake up one day and you will feel no further emotion, its never going to happen. Something like this leaves a lasting scar.

Its much like dealing with the death of a loved one, we will always feel sad but as time passes the sadness dulls and we move on. You are not unusual, You need to accept these feelings. I have a friend who is still struggling after 6 years and I have had a few divorced girlfriends who still have emotional issues a decade after divorce.

You have to accept that you have been through a terrible loss which you will always find sad. Have you ever lost a much loved grandparent or parent ? Although the years pass there is always a sense of loss and sadness. Divorce is much the same.

I don't know if you have children with your ex but if you do you have to find a way of continuing a relationship with her whilst protecting yourself emotionally. Its now 16 years since my wife left me and we still speak regularly as we now have grandchildren as well as children. Sometimes its not easy but they do say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

It is time to concentrate on rebuilding a new life and accept the death of the old. As time goes on and you build a new and happy life you will find your old life becomes less and less relevant. Use your experiences to ensure you don't make the same mistakes again and use the opportunity to make positive changes.
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Old 5th July 2010, 04:58 AM   #3
j92cool
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Re: Does a broken heart ever mend?

Hi

Has been around 16 months for me too. I don't know if you ever fully heal. I for the most part am doing very well but I think if closely examined there would still be fine cracks that may never heal. Everyone copes with things in their own way and I'm sure one day you will a much happier person too.

I wish you all the best in your journey. Be kind to yourself and allow the healing process to continue you at your own pace.

Cheers

Janine
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Old 5th July 2010, 07:31 AM   #4
Layer Cake
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Re: Does a broken heart ever mend?

Thank you both for taking the time to respond to my post.

I think I may be trying to force a recovery rather than letting time heal things but I'm finding it so difficult to adapt, I think it doesn't help that my wife left her son with me who I've raised as my own for this other fella, then just set up a new life like our 14 year relationship never existed.

I just wish I could do the same and move on so easily
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Old 6th July 2010, 04:13 AM   #5
chosen
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Re: Does a broken heart ever mend?

It takes a long long time to recover from such a betrayal, but it does get better and better.You do need to learn to forgive as this will help you and your recovery.
My first marriage ended very suddenly after 23 years, and it was about 3 years before I felt that I had any future at all. After 6 years I met my wonderful second husband and have never been happier, so there is life after divorce. My husband was also betrayed by his wife as you were, but he too is really happy now.
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Old 13th July 2010, 02:57 PM   #6
Layer Cake
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Re: Does a broken heart ever mend?

Hello all,

Don't know if my past contributed to it but I had to end it with my girlfriend this weekend, things weren't going as I would have wanted and her personal situation meant she had a lot of emotional and family problems and I didn;t feel strong enough to be there.

I had been with her for 6 months and feel like I've inflicted myself on her, I know deep down ending it was the riht thing to do but I feel like such a bad person.

Got an appt with a counsellor tomorrow to try and assist me down the road of recovery,

Why is life so difficult?
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Old 15th July 2010, 10:23 PM   #7
JWD
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Re: Does a broken heart ever mend?

Hi Layercake,

Its been 16 months for me too and I actually managed to deny it for most of that time. I don't think my mind could cope with it. Its only really now that I'm fully facing it. Whoever said it takes one month for every year you were together to get over it has a heart of stone or they are in very deep denial :-)

I think the counselling will help, stick at it. I stopped as my denial was so great that I appeared to be 'over it' but I'm now back in counselling. Don't give yourself a time frame, all we can do it take it slow, realise that its been a major life changing event and we're really not going to just get over it so easily.

I think you've made the right decision regarding your girlfriend. I attempted a couple of relationships, but I was kidding myself on. Another partner to accept me was not the answer. Once we fully understand that, or at least come to terms with the loss and we're happy in our own skin, everything else will fall into place.

Its ok to still mourn. Let us know how counselling went.
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“One day you’re going to wake up and realize how much you care about her and how amazing she really is… and when that day comes she’ll be waking up next to the man who already knew”
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Old 18th July 2010, 10:49 AM   #8
Layer Cake
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Re: Does a broken heart ever mend?

Thanks for replying to my post JWD,

Had my first session with a cognitive behavourial therapist, she thinks I'm somehow stuck in the anger/empitiness/sadness part of the cycle of loss and I'd tend to agree.
I'm gonna take it session by session as I've tried over the 16 months seeing my GP's practice counsellor and a therapist who speacialised in hypotherapy both of which I thought had helped but I always seem to end up back at the same dark place.

All I'm gonna do now is concentrate on myself, stay single and I've decided to try and sell my house and make a fresh start as I stayed in the house I'd bought with my ex-wife as she left her son here when she went, so me and my son are gonna move on and start fresh hopefully,

I hope things work out for you too JWD, keep me informed, a bit of good news always gives us hope
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Old 10th August 2010, 09:50 PM   #9
nomad3672
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Re: Does a broken heart ever mend?

It's been 17 years, and it never healed for me. I recently got in contact with her again, and it's all the same as it was. Except that she's married with kids and I am also, and we're looking at each other saying, "WTF did we do?!"

She had family issues as an 18 year old, and hadn't yet figured out how to be herself apart from the demands of the family. So after 3 months I got pushed out, cause Daddy questioned what she was doing? "Marriage isn't next for you, you're going to school and you're going to have a career." The loss was such, that I was in a complete haze for 2 years. Barely making sense of what I was doing, and hanging out with friends and avoiding relationships. I did date again, and broke heart after heart, as I continued to try to find someone to replace her. Finally I settled with a woman who didn't demand that intense emotional attachment. And I've regretted it and felt starved for both love I'd like, and stifled in giving love the way I'd like to, in a way that makes me feel whole, ever since.

My life has been a series of mistakes in love because I didn't know how to heal from her. I lost track of myself after that and it was only 5 years ago, after hitting a sort of mid-life crisis in my family that I started to wake back up, and started to really care for myself properly again. Sad... but true.

I don't know where this ends for me. But my only advice is to heal yourself as best you can. Try to maintain a strong sense of self. I know that the loss never heals, but I let it drag my sense of myself into this depressed state, and I never really recovered it. And by then I'd made life decisions and mistakes that I can't undo.
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Old 11th August 2010, 04:41 PM   #10
Layer Cake
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Re: Does a broken heart ever mend?

Thanks for your response 'nomad', I hope you are in a good place right now.

I fully understand all you say, it'll be 16 months since my wife left this saturday coming, its still so raw for me, I've made myself be alone now because I wasn't happy with my last girlfriend, she was lovely but like you I think I'm trying to find someone to replace my wife, something which will never happen.

I'm still seeing my counsellor which I hope will help because I feel so lost and alone that most days I go to work I hope I'll crash my car on the motorway and end this ongoing pain, stupid I know!

All I wish is that I never had a heart and was one of these blokes who didn't give a toss, cos they seem to always be happy and move from relationship to relationship.
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Old 12th August 2010, 02:11 AM   #11
arcos
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Re: Does a broken heart ever mend?

15 months in for me and I DID wake up one morning and find that there was no way forward after her leaving following a 'betrayal'. That was more or less 6 weeks after she left. I woke up feeling that a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, it was elation, a release, knowing that I did not have to try and save a marriage that had been completely destroyed by her.

The first 6 weeks I went through just about every hoop to try and get her back and save our marriage, primarily for the children. I really did not want them so young having to try and deal with a broken home scenario.

That morning I shall never forget for the rest of my life, waking up and knowing that there was no need to try and fight to save the marriage, the relationship.

However, the nightmare continues and right now I am struggling, not with her betrayal but with the hurtful barrage of lies, mind games and litigation.

I was actually in a much better state of mind last summer than I am this summer.

I am in a relationship that is going no where because I am going nowhere. I cannot move on because of my ex and the ongoing issues that she has caused/started. NOT because I still have feelings for her

Does a broken heart ever mend?

FOR SURE!!

Will there be scars left?

FOR SURE!!

Will we come out the other side stronger, happier, better equipped for the next relationship?

OH YES!!

But it does take time. My current relationship is difficult to say the least. I am sure that if things had been moving forward with my past life then things would be different in my present life.

Can I do anything about it?

Oh I wish I could. I have to hope that my current partner can hang in there and support me the way she has supported me over the past 6 months but it is tough on both of us.

Will I ever forget my ex walking out?

OH NO! IT WAS THE SAME DAY AS MY MOTHERS BIRTHDAY!
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