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Old 20th November 2006, 01:49 PM   #1
lukibi
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Christian Marriage And Sex Toys

One of the reasons my hubby claims drove us apart was that I insisted on getting sexual satisfaction. He says he did not like the"rules and procedures" I am considering saving my marriage, I am considering buying some sex toys to satisfy me, then probably I may be in a position to give him the "quikies" he wants. That way, I won't be a "demanding wife".
Is it wrong to use sex toys in Marriage? What do you people out there think? experienced?
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Old 21st November 2006, 01:37 PM   #2
Kimberley1967
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Re: Christian Marriage And Sex Toys

I think he should work on making you happy and not outside devices but hey Im Roman Catholic and dont believe in self abuse so who am I to judge. Each to there own.
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Old 21st November 2006, 02:20 PM   #3
Mike56
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Re: Christian Marriage And Sex Toys

Lukibi, assuming this is a serious question - - -

Within a truly loving relationship, I sincerely believe anything that BOTH parties find pleasurable is fine. But, I have to say that I read a degree of what I can only describe as selfishness in both of you. I may be wrong and if I am, I'm sorry.

You refer to your sexual needs in a number of posts - and those needs are perfectly normal of course. But you also use the word "insisted". You then talk about your husband wanting "quickies" - why exactly are you with each other? Is it just for sex?

Why not try and find loving ways of ensuring you give each otehr the love and pleasure you seek? That could be thro books, professional advice, or even just talking to each other to find out what's good and what works.

Sex toys are great - for adding to each other's joy from making love together. That doesn't stop you using it/them to satisfy yourself either of course, with or without your partner. But to just use it "mechanically" always strikes me as being a bit callous. For your husband to just want to use your body in the way you infer he might want to also strikes me as callous.

Sex is great - enjoy it however is good for you both. Please don't demean it to purely a mechanical act - that's just f***ing!

Mike
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Old 22nd November 2006, 12:50 AM   #4
Helen
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Re: Christian Marriage And Sex Toys

I don't think any marriage, strong or otherwise, can be built on the use of sex toys. Sorry. Some sex toys are very destructive on relationships. Some can never replace a lover. Others make finding a 'suitable' (read worthy) mate impossible. And others make rebuilding an otherwise shaky relationship difficult, if not impossible. Sorry to say it...

I made a commitment to a man I corresponded with for ages (and dated seriously) never to use toys and I meant it. He never said do not use your hands but he made his view about toys abundantly clear. He was happy for me to masturbate. He just asked me never to use toys whilst doing this because some of them create unrealistic expectations and I agree, they do. So I NEVER use sex toys now, ever (my choice) and I cannot sanction/see the need for their use amongst other women...especially women who allege there are problems in their relationships. I think toys, in this case, are just a cop out and a cover for deeper problems.

I agree with Mike. Is your relationship about your satisfasction or is it about using each other for sex? Or do you want a REAL relationship, with mutual give and take? Because you seem to indicate that you could not give a s**t about your husband apart from his value as the owner of a penis! You seem obsessed with satisfying your sexual needs too. I see little about actual CARING! It is all about scratching YOUR itches. Well, we all have itches but we none of us have been as cold hearted about sorting our own needs out or saying that we intend to use a spouse for this purpose! You make my blood run cold. Honestly.

Make up your mind what you want and, if it's about sex, which it seems to be for you, say it is. And if it is all about sex and you do not care who it is with so long as you get some, why are you here? And why are you bitching about affairs that never really happened but you suspect are lusted after in your own mind? You still have no proof that your husband went elsewhere. Remember this...

It also begs the question - aren't you doing the same thing by voicing these fantasies? I feel grubby just reading them, frankly...

H
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Old 22nd November 2006, 06:01 AM   #5
lukibi
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Re: Christian Marriage And Sex Toys

Thanks mike56, kimbery and Hellen,
Thanks for making me think! honestly. I feel quilty of having those fantacies.
Some background may help you undrstand where I am coming from.
For the first 3.5 years of my married life. I played the good wife. I did express my desire to have preparation before sex(foreplay) and many times it never happened. I endured painfull sex, anumber of times with bruises. At one time I had sex just to meet his need 3 weeks after a C.S. I can still almost tough the pain.
By the end of my 4th year in marriage I though enough was enough and I expressed soberly my feelings about sex TO HIM. I was developing resentments for H. I felt used and bad. We had to do something.
We agreed to work on it. For almost one year I did enjoy making love with him. I was happy, I thought he was too. Untill the story of the other woman. One of the reasons my husband says he is not happy with is that he does not like 'procedures' during sex. Honestly do I go back to the painfull sex, become a dissatisfied woman. Wish secretly that I could have real love making.
I tried all I could to work on that relationship. My H. just gives us on average 45mins during workday in the evening. Most of the times the kids are tired and sleepy.
I tried making even an official appointment with him for just 30 mins in a week so we can talk, this despite many promises was never honoured.
He cares about other things. He does provide shopping for the house and share in paying rent.
He accompanies us to church most of the time.
Its not like he is a devil. But his just wanting to have sexual satisfaction without working on both of our satisfaction makes me believe that if he found someone who does not need satisfaction, he could just go for it.
Mike56, I gather you are a man. Just honestly tell me,WHAT DO I DO.
I agree I am living in fantasy sin. Selfish if you think so, I could agree with it to some degree. But will the future always be-----

on it.
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Old 22nd November 2006, 12:35 PM   #6
Mike56
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Re: Christian Marriage And Sex Toys

I am a man - but the man you're describing to me sounds very much like he just wants your body for his pleasure. I'm not making judgements here, just an observation. Helen's suggested you may just be a woman seeking sex - maybe you are. But, assuming you are really seeking help - -

I can't tell you what to do, but I can suggest that there seem to be issues here. Spare us the details, but what does "procedures" mean? Your need for foreplay is perfectly normal, and personally I need it too. Its FUN! Sex is meant to be a loving, caring, fun thing.

So, think about foreplay for a moment - what can you do together to help him realise it's good for him too - all that teasing, touching, enjoying, and making the moment last. Show him how it can be soooo much more than juist a quick shag.

Do you use foreplay with him? Just because we're men, with an obvious sign of arousal, doesn't mean we don't need or want foreplay too.

Now, what do you need? Show him too - and if that means playing with yourself, and you're comfortable doing so, then consider that. Let it be known you enjoy it - encourage him to do it for you, and make it clear that what he's doing is nice.

Encourage the behaviours you need and reward them. DO NOT criticise or complain.

I see nothing sinfull in enjoying sex and wanting it to be nice. But you both seem to have unresolved issues here and it could well be worth seeking professinal help to try and find understanding of each others needs and drivers.

If all he want is "satisfaction", tell him to masturbate. It's normal, natural and healthy. Using YOU as a "sextoy" isn't. And the same applies to you too.

Does this help? Mike.

Last edited by Mike56; 22nd November 2006 at 12:49 PM.
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Old 23rd November 2006, 01:22 PM   #7
lukibi
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Red face Re: Christian Marriage And Sex Toys

Dear Mike56,
Thanks for your suggestions.
I really do appreciate. Only I am almost giving up.
It is easier to deal with someone who accepts there is a problem and faces it heads on. Mt H. Believes there is nothing wrong between us, would never accept or seek advice not even from his best man leave alone a counsellor.
How do you have foreplay with a man who is never there. Shows intention of sex and within 20 mins from his arrival in bed the act is over.
I am beggining to think that may be I have a problem myself. May be it was never meant to be and may be ------
I should just give up, forget about it and just accept that when it is only one party interested in working on a relationship, then the eqution will never balance.
Thanks all for your usefull suggestions and willingness to help.
Bet only a miracle can help us out.
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Old 23rd November 2006, 05:49 PM   #8
Mike56
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Re: Christian Marriage And Sex Toys

I can only hope it turns out well. A partner who won't communicate is very difficult to be with I fear. Keep working at it though.

Mike
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Old 26th February 2020, 08:54 AM   #9
Pop Alexandra
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Re: Christian Marriage And Sex Toys

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike56 View Post
I can only hope it turns out well. A partner who won't communicate is very difficult to be with I fear. Keep working at it though.

Mike
Unfortunately that's the case. I have been in such a relationship for years and while it's pretty difficult, there has been significant improvement.
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