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Old 1st November 2006, 11:45 AM   #1
lukibi
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 19
Exclamation Is There An Affair

Mid 2005, I had this gut feeling that my husband could be cheating on me. I had no evidence. I talked to him about my concerns and he sayed that he had never thought of having a mistress.
November 2005, I received the following sms on my mobile phone.
"what do you need to know. you must take care of your husband. Open your eyes and see. If you care about yourself, you know what I mean'
When I showed the sms to my husband he swears that he has never had an extra marital affair.
A week later I received the folloing message from the same number,
" sorry that message was not meant for you. I regret any inconviniences caused"
I decided to forget about it and move on with my marriage though I experience fear of being cheated on from time to time.
Almost one year later, october 2006, a woman called me ( using the same mobile number which had sent the sms earlier)and said she is the one who had sent me the sms. She says that my husband has been chasing after her for close to a year with sexual intentions. She says that they never" gone too far' as she could not allow it to happen. She says that my husband is her senoir at work place and she is scared of victimization.
She claims that she had sent me the first sms as a warning sign. Whenever I try calling that number its always unavailable/ out of reach.
When I confronted my husband about all these calims he say he has never had an affair, does not know the woman and thinks its proffesional/ work place rivarly. The woman claims to be a workmate of my husband.
I feel hurt and betrayed. Atimes I feel like my husband is telling the truth and atimes I feel like he is the best liar in this world.
I am not sure wether I should continue having sex with him. I really want to stop yet since the story began this year, I have had the best sexual experiences with him. I feel so confused. I do not know what next.
ALL I KNOW IS I FEEL SO HURT! I FEEL LIKE HE HAS HAD AN AFFAIR AND THE PAIN IS SO REAL!!
He says he loves me and has tried spending more time with me since the phone call. We even prayed together and he asked God to Reveal to me the truth!!
We have been married for six years and have 2 kids.
Any advice.
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Old 1st November 2006, 12:36 PM   #2
Anne22
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Re: Is There An Affair

Hi

I am so sorry you are going through so much pain - I too have this pain and I know it just drives you mad!

I do hope you can find out for good and have closure on this very soon and for your sake hope that this woman is just trying to cause trouble for your husband!

I worry for you that your H might be behaving like mine and not being truthful.

Good luck and take care - try to put all your energy into your two little ones

Annxx
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Old 1st November 2006, 12:43 PM   #3
Helen
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Re: Is There An Affair

Lukibi,

Hi and welcome to the board. I am really sorry that you are here under what must be pretty unpleasant circumstances.

Some people say that if a woman suspects something is going on with her man, most of the time her instincts are spot on. I don't mean to cause you more distress but there are a number of circumstantial and direct things that have happened that lend weight to your suspicions:
  • You had a gut feeling last year that your husband was cheating
  • You then received the first anonymous (though cryptic) text
  • A week later, you received another anonymous text apologising for the first text and saying it was sent in error
  • Then you received the phone call, from the same number that the anonymous texts were coming from

The first question I would have asked myself, after receiving the second text, was if that first text was sent to you in error, where did the sender get your mobile number from to send the second text?

The second question I would have asked is what provoked the sender to send that second text?

Despite your husband's protestations, I think you are right to worry about what is going on here. I don't think he is being honest with you about the nature of his working or other relationship with this woman. I obviously cannot go so far as to say he is having an affair - only he knows that. But there are a lot of suspicious, circumstantial and factual things going on here, most of which add up to something. I am not sure what.

The facts are, he knows this woman and, somehow, she has managed to get hold of your SMS number. They would have to be awfully close work colleagues for this to happen. Your husband needs to explain how this happened. Furthermore, he needs to elaborate on this 'workplace rivalry' that he has alluded to. I have been the victim of workplace rivalry myself and have seen it in action with others. I have never yet heard of workplace rivals contacting a spouse of a rival to insinuate there is cheating going on. Why would a workplace rival be texting you to allude to the fact that he is chasing her? Most of the time, workplace rivals will try to destroy a person within the workplace, not in their homes.

And then there is the matter of the second SMS. Why did this person text you? And don't you think it was a bit convenient for them to text you after you confronted your husband for the second time? The timing says something happened that prompted this woman to send that second text. If I were you, I would contact her and ask her to explain her latest allegations in the face of that second text.

Little of this makes any sense but it does, in totality, look incredibly fishy.

Regarding the sex - I don't know if I would stop having sex with your husband but I would recommend that you get yourself screened at a well woman/STD clinic to make sure everything is okay. In the meantime, you need to get to the bottom of what is going on here. Since you are getting a stream of denials from your husband, I think you need to speak to this woman again. Send her a text asking her to call you since you cannot contact her yourself. Then ask her to recount what has been going on, from start to finish again. Ask her to explain why she sent that second text if what she is saying is true. If she says that she was threatened in some way, ask her about it. What did he threaten her with, exactly? Then, ask yourself if what she is saying sounds as though it might be true, especially in the light of your gut instincts. If you think it might be, ask her if she has anything to prove what she is telling you.

She might be worried about the implications for her career but if her allegations of harrassment and worries about his seniority are true, your husband is abusing his position and you need to let him know that that is not on. Not only for her sake but for you too.

I do hope that there isn't anything going on though - for you and the kids.

Do take care,


Helen
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Old 2nd November 2006, 10:25 AM   #4
lukibi
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 19
Re: Is There An Affair

Thanks Hellen and Anne for understanding and sincere analysis. The only problem is the mobile number used by the woman is always out of reach, I send sms and they bounce back!!! its quite frustrating.
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Old 2nd November 2006, 05:25 PM   #5
rworley2006
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Re: Is There An Affair

One thing I know is if a woman thinks her husband is cheating, she is usually right, but I never cheated on my wife, but she suspected one time that I was. In this case she was wrong. I have never cheated on my wife. The only infidelity I am guilty of is looking at pornography on the internet and she knew about that. Is it still cheating, yes. Is it an extra-marital affair, in my opinion no it is not.

The woman who sent you text messages, was warning you that your husband was pressing her for sex. Is that an affair, no. Is it cheating, yes. She then calls you and tells you that she is tired of his pursuits and she is letting you know to confront him. She confessed that there was not any sex going on between them, your husband said the same thing.

He may be cheating in his mind, but his actions so far have not been so. If he was having an affair, you would know by his actions. The bible says "Be sure that your sin will find you out." That simply means that you sin will be exposed in your actions. If there is an affair there are subtle signs and warnings that will begin to happen. For example, he will withdraw from you emotionally. He will fake his affection toward you. He will notice every little imperfection and make a big deal out of it. He look for excuses to not come home from work. He will make excuses to go out by himself. He will suddenly get interested in doing things by himself. These are tale-tell signs of an extra-marital affair. I know, because my wife did it to me and I knew immediately she was having an affair.
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Old 3rd November 2006, 09:28 AM   #6
lukibi
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 19
Re: Is There An Affair

Thanks guys,
My husband calims that the mistake he made was burying himself too much in his studies and work. He acknowledges that he did contribute to the mess, says sorry and is willing to create time for me and the kids.
He tell me NOT TO BELIEVE THE STORY OF THE WOMAN BECAUSE SHE IS Lying. H e gave me his blessings this morning to hire a private investigator and find out for myself.
I also visited and woman wellness clinic and had an HIV test too. All is o.k.
My H, has accepted to visit a VCT center with him later today. I hope it comes to pass.
I am just wondering wether he is doing this to make me feel at ease or ????????????
He says we forget about the incident and work on our the future , and that I should not let someone else take the honour of destroying our marriage.
I still do not want to have sex with him, YET I HAVE THIS CRAZY LIBIDO IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS CRISIS. I at times feel like going to hire an erotic massager!!! I will try not to do it.
But my dear people I am confused.
What if it is just a tactic and the in afew days they be back to each other arms. If there is a hidden affair and it is not dealt with it means that there will never be a PROBLEM SOLVED!!!
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