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Old 4th March 2007, 11:10 PM   #1
gjl3
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 3
Unusual affair

Hi,
I require some suggestions about what to do about my current marrage, after an affair.

I have been married for 5 years, to L. We met at a party held by D, the woman who I had an affair with that lasted a long time, and over a number of relationships.

Here is some overview of each person:

D is a woman I met 16 years ago. We both do music, and became a songwriting partnership. I adored her for the moment I laid eyes on her, and felt that she was the love of my life. She had made the decision to move away from the city where we lives, before we met, and also had a relationship started with another person, who she met at the same time as me. I never cared about this other relationship, focising on us, and how it was between us.

We continued to meet, create music, and have an affair where we did everything other than have actual intercourse. We would tend to meet once a year, and have a 2 or 3 day work and "play" sessions. We kept this sercret for everyone, though most of my closest friends always knew how I felt about her...

After about 8 years living thousands of miles away, I moved to the same city as her, and we became room mates for a years and a half. She was in a new relationship with a man who she would marry. I was respectful, and kept my distance, as did she, for about 3 or 4 years. I struggled with my feelings around this, and we found ourselves playing around again, with the same boundary, not going "all the way". I finally made a decision to "let go of her", made a date that I would do this. I decided that I would spend some time apart, and then we would create together again.

Then September 11th happened. I came out of a long term depression, due to other issues, and started to find a new life. We continued to create, and we still continued or affair.

December of that year, D invited me to her xmas party at her home. She had met a woman, L, who was also invited. We exchanged email addresses, and she contacted me on Xmas eve, and this turned into a long conversation where we discovered that we were very compatible, and we made a decision to see the other.

L and I started a relationship. I told her about my relationship with D, that we had been having this affair, and that I felt it was ok, but I would stop. I wasn't sure I could or would want to really do this, and spend about 6 weeks before I would commit to the new relationship with her.

L and I felt very strongly that we had something special. We agree about everything, except D. L always suspected D and I were being closer than she would have wanted. D and I kept our distance for about a year and a half.

After a while a number of issues came up in my relationship with L, who I had married. She had an adult daughter who was living with us, and she wasn't helping out with the rent or bills. We were struggling to keep above water, and L would have a talk with her daughter, but in the end she wouldn't demand anything. I found this to be very frustrating, and it made me withdraw.

Then, when her daughter finally moved out, she decided to go to school full time, and work full time. I felt that we could finally have a relationship, which we did for about 6 months, and it was gone. Even though we were together every week working on music, I had kept my distance from D, but then we started to get close again.

I felt angry and alone. L and I started to grow apart. We also rarely had sex, as she was tired, and she started to put on weight, about 50 pounds total. I was not attracted to her anymore. And D's husband started to get depressed, and try and kill himself. It has since come out that he is an alcoholic, and has been abusing booze and other things for years, under D's nose.

D and her husband moved away about a year and a half ago, to the other side of the US. L and I continued to grow apart, and after finishing a 3 year degree, she decided to continue for another year to get another. I asked her not to, and explained that I didn't feel like we were a couple. She felt that because this degree would help us in the end, that I wouldn't mind, but I really disliked the idea, and tried to tell her this, but she decided to go ahead anyways.

This was the final straw for me. I decided that I was going to go and visit D, my creative partner. And I did. D and I were as close as ever, but we still kept things within our rule. We didn't have sex, but were very close. I could see she was very unhappy in her marriage, as was I.

When I came back home, L and I were very distant. She was still in school, and had now started menopause, so her emotions were very up and down, and she often became abusive and angry.

On my second trip to visit D, we started having a real affair, and had intercourse. My feelings for her became much stronger, and my feelings for my wife became even more distant.

A few months later, things came to a head. I went out to visit D and work. We started to act like a couple, and we both felt that our marriages were over. I was staying with D and her husband, and he tried to commit suicide. This behavior had been going on for the last couple of years, but it had never come so close to him being gone.

Over the next few weeks, I told D how I felt, and that I wanted to be with her. She said that she couldn't make that move, and while she cared about me, she wouldn't leave her husband at this time.

I was ready to leave my marriage. L and I were always fighting, and very unhappy. She felt something had happened between D and myself, but I denied it.

D and I were still talking by phone once a week, about music, and I would bring "us" up whenever I got the opportunity. She would always say that she wouldn't end her marriage until she had no other options, and she would focus on my wife and I, who had lots of reasons to be together.

During one of these conversations, L came to my door and heard me talking to D in a soft voice. She got on to the second phone and listened to my conversation with D, and heard some very incriminating things. She then came and confronted me about what was going on. While I was horrified about this, I was also relieved. I didn't like being dishonest and had been feeling very bad about things.

I told L about what was going on with D, but told her I didn't want to go into details. L wouldn't let go of the idea and wanted to know exactly what happened. After about a month I told her more or less what had happened, and why.

We went and talked to a marriage counsellor. I was asked to make a decision on what I wanted to do about things. I talked to D, and asked her wether she wanted to finally get together. She declined. So I made a commitment to L to continue our marriage.

L and D had a large number of phone conversations about what had happened. Both D and I made a promise to L to only work together, and that we would not cross the line of infidelity, something that I had never done before. I had always maintained that people where inclined to multiple relationships, but I promised that I would work on our marriage and be monogamous.

I agreed that I would tell my wife about any conversations I had with D, and communications, and that D and I would only create music. D and I have spent 16 years on out music, had won awards for our music, and had signed a publishing contract just before the affair came out. I did not and do not want to let go of the creative partnership.

D and I have both worked past this thing, more or less. We keep our conversations on work, and keep personal things to an absolute minimum. We are both happy that this thing is out in the open, and have agreed that we will not do anything together again. We have spent years working together and not going there.

L and I have come to a much better place in our relationship. We are much closer now that this is out, and we have committed to our marriage, and both worked on a number of our issues. She has lost 25 lbs, and looks much more attractive to me. Our sex life is better than ever before, in fact better than with anyone before. We get along and agree about most everything, and are 100% happy... until D comes up. Then comes the fighting.

Things came to a head a few days ago. D had emailed L and I about a business idea. L sent back a response to her that was very frank. I have gotten very frustrated with L's seeing to be OK with everything, and then going off about how much she hates D, and doesn't want to deal with her in any way. A few days ago I expressed my frustrations, and said that I didn't know what to do bout things, that I felt like I didn't want to be here any more, that I wished I could just leave the planet.

She responded by saying the same thing, and I made a mean statement that if she did, that she would be doing me a favor. I know this was wrong, and have apologized. She then grabbed a bunch of pills and threatened to kill herself.

Which leads me to this email: I don't know what to do. I fell frustrated about everything. I don't know what to feel about my wife threatening to kill herself, and I feel that this behavior is not ok in any way.I now feel caught in a web I don't know how to get out of. L wants me to never contact D again, and that's the only way she will be happy, but I'm not willing to give up a 16 year creative partnership. I am willing to stop the affair, and I feel that I can do this. I gave L my word that I would respect our marriage, and this is something that I have never done before, but I love my wife and would like to see us continue. She is my closest friend, and I would feel very sad if we were not able to make it. I know how good we are for the other, and how happy we are, other than this thing.

On the other hand, I can't imagine now creating with D. She has been my longest friendship, we have been both teacher and student, and I am a better person because of the things I've learned with D.

There are more levels of detail I could get into, but that would take a book to write. What I'm hoping for is some insight into this. I know it's an unusual situation, and I can't seem to find any ideas of how best to proceed.

My question: what would you suggest or do?

Thanks for your time in reading this. these relationships are so very important to me. I would like to think I can somehow work this out, but if I can't I would appreciate some idea of where o go and what to do.

GJL3
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Old 5th March 2007, 07:26 AM   #2
marriedbrunette30
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Re: Unusual affair

I'm sorry,but I feel nothing about "YOUR" behavior is ok! You dont really love your wife,you only stuck with her cuz "D" didnt want to leave her husband. You are treating her like second best and she knows it! If you really loved her and were serious about working things out,"D" wouldnt even be a factor!
I think you are very selfish and immature to do this to your wife.Why even marry her then? Your lucky your wife has been so calm and understanding,cuz if you were MY husband~you'd have been out a long time ago!!!
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Old 5th March 2007, 08:07 AM   #3
gjl3
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Re: Unusual affair

> I'm sorry,but I feel nothing about "YOUR" behavior is ok!>

I didn't come here to get your approval, rather constructive suggestions.

>You dont really love your wife,you only stuck with her cuz "D" didnt want to leave >her husband.

Actually, I do love my wife. If we didn't care about the other,I would have left already, or she would have. Like I said, This is only a quick synopsys of the situation. L and I are very close, most of our friends have said that they would like to get along as well as we do. There is much more positive aspects to our relationship than negative ones, by a long shot.

As for D and I, This was discussed with L,and is out in the open. My wife feels that we are meant to be together, and has acknowledged my past desire to be with D, and has asked for us to continue regardless.

>You are treating her like second best and she knows it!

Actually. I'm not. Both L and I have worked very hard together to get through this situation, and I have invested 100% emotionally into this since we both made the decision to stay together and work it out. In fact, out relationship is better than it ever was before, by quite a margin.

>If you really loved her and were serious about working things out,"D" wouldnt even >be a factor!

This is where I have an issue, and where I have difficulty figuring out a solution. I know it's cut and dried for you, but you also have the luxury of not being in the middle of this.

D and I have long time friendship, a creative, and work relationship, there is a business, so for me to just walk away seems impossible.

I have made an agreement that I would be faithful to my wife and have every intention of following through with it, regardless. If I find that I am in a situation with D where it's not safe, I will leave. And if I find that I cannot work with D without emotions getting the best of me, I will end our partnership then.


>I think you are very selfish and immature to do this to your wife.Why even marry >her then?

We are married, and want to stay together. This issue needs time, and I'm open to constructive suggestions, not a reprimand.

>Your lucky your wife has been so calm and understanding,cuz if you were MY >husband~you'd have been out a long time ago!!!

Well, you are not my wife. And regardless of whatever conclusion you have made, I am looking for a good outcome here, for everyone involved.

With this in mind, if you have anything positive to suggest or add to the conversation, I will welcome it.

Thanks,

GJL3
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Old 5th March 2007, 08:49 AM   #4
marriedbrunette30
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Re: Unusual affair

"I didn't come here to get your approval, rather constructive suggestions."

well,you wanted opinions,I gave you mine. You should have known you'd get some posts not agreeing with what you did.

"Well, you are not my wife. And regardless of whatever conclusion you have made, I am looking for a good outcome here, for everyone involved."

Your wife is at the point where she is talking suicide,i think you're delusional that the outcome will be positive.
sorry,but I'am being honest.

"Over the next few weeks, I told D how I felt, and that I wanted to be with her. She said that she couldn't make that move, and while she cared about me, she wouldn't leave her husband at this time."
In your own words...you wanted D,couldnt have her,so went back to your wife.Second best~I stand by my opinion.

Last edited by marriedbrunette30; 5th March 2007 at 08:54 AM.
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Old 5th March 2007, 10:20 AM   #5
Annie2
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 350
Re: Unusual affair

I have to agree with MB30. Your post is full of self-pity and very little about responsibility. Your mind has been elsewhere throughout your marriage. You say that your wife has put on weight, so what? Apparently you love her. As for little sex I'm not sure I'd want to make love to someone whose heart is somewhere else. You're wife is human and not stupid, if your head is somewhere else half the time she is going to pick up on that. I feel sorry for her. Pull yourself together, make your choice and start treating others in a way you would like to be treated. You are wasting your life and your wife's by focussing on what is real. This 'relationship' you have with D is utterly selfish, you are married and you are using your wife. Grow up.
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Old 5th March 2007, 01:43 PM   #6
Mike56
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Re: Unusual affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by gjl3 View Post
Hi,
My question: what would you suggest or do?

Thanks for your time in reading this. these relationships are so very important to me. I would like to think I can somehow work this out, but if I can't I would appreciate some idea of where o go and what to do.

GJL3
What do you want? A business relationship - or your marriage? Perhaps had you managed to keep the two as distinct entities, you could have had both, and why not?

However, you have betrayed your wife, she knows it, feels second-best, and is most certianly now not going to let you have what you want.

You can't now have both it would appear.

What else would you like "us" to say? That we think it's all ok (which it isn't, and you know it) and therefore give some form of validity to your arguments?

Is that constuctive enough for you?

Mike
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Old 6th March 2007, 08:10 AM   #7
lyke2snype
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 7
Re: Unusual affair

Sorry Op I agree with the other posters. Your behaviour is appaling. Life is about choices & you now have to decide marriage or 'friend'. You can't have both & if you love your wife as you profess then the sacrifice will have to be your friendship with D. Your wife clearly loves you to stick by you so long but the way you have treated her she has every right to demand you end contact with D, You overstepped the mark when you betrayed her & you still think you can have both, You are destroyng her with your inability to commit to her & comments about her weight have you ever felt you were partly to blame for that by making her unhappy? If she's a Sexy woman now why are you still sniffing around D? As for D she is a cheater in her own marriage just the sort of person you want to spend your life with.

Last edited by lyke2snype; 6th March 2007 at 08:12 AM. Reason: speeling error
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Old 6th March 2007, 12:00 PM   #8
lukibi
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 19
Re: Unusual affair

MR. MB30,
I can assure you that nothing hurts as much as giving your whole heart to a man and then he crashes it like it was a piece of stone!! you know what I think you should go to D, and I can prophesy that in a short while she will give you what you deserve!! a crash on that heart of yours and then you can value your wife!! It is not always as green as it seems. Gorget about your history with D, Life is amazing.
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Old 7th March 2007, 12:13 PM   #9
marriedbrunette30
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Re: Unusual affair

lukibi,I'am Married brunette 30,I'm a woman,LOL....i think you meant to post to gjl3.
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Old 7th March 2007, 12:36 PM   #10
Annie2
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Re: Unusual affair

Heehee....I wondered why you were getting a telling off MarriedB!!! Glad you've cleared your name!
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Old 8th March 2007, 06:47 AM   #11
marriedbrunette30
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Re: Unusual affair

haha,well if I'm a Mr. it's news to me!
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Old 8th March 2007, 07:49 AM   #12
gjl3
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Re: Unusual affair

Thanks for all your input. It's given me allot to think about.

Take care,
GJL3
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