Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 3rd November 2016, 05:15 PM   #1
paulg
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 1
Open Marriage

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and unhappy for many of those. She's not enjoyed physical relations and we have not slept together for over 3 years.
Many times when she's been angry with me she's abused me and demanded a divorce but things always seemed to blow over and she'd calm down.
She came to me matter a couple of weeks ago and very calmly said she wanted to divorce.
She doesn't have anyone else and doesn't particularly want to move out but just wants divorce. I cannot understand why as she'd have nothing without me and if we divided up everything 50-50 we'd both struggle with what's left.
She has said for years that I deserve to be happy and that I should find another woman and I have begun dating again. Friends have told me to be very careful as if she has evidence that I'd been unfaithful. She could use it against me if she chose.
I have been reading a little about open relationships and indeed open marriages which I suppose is what I want but I wonder how to make it a legal thing. Does anyone know if there is a contract for such a thing?
Any advice would be appreciated.
paulg is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th November 2016, 09:55 AM   #2
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,389
Re: Open Marriage

It appears your marriage has broken down and that your wife doesn't want to fix it. Unless you both want to work on your marriage I think it is better you get a legal divorce before dating other women. I don't think there is any legislation about open marriages, which I think is a good thing. At the moment you could get into adultery. What would happen if you found someone and you had your wife still living with you? The marriage needs to be mended or you get a divorce in my view.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th December 2016, 10:18 AM   #3
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,763
Re: Open Marriage

I agree with Raymond, committing adultery is always a bad thing for everyone.
End the marriage if that is what she insists on, and if you want to see other women, and once you are legally free you can begin to date again if you choose to. What is the point of staying together just because you dont want to live somewhere smaller?
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th January 2017, 10:28 AM   #4
Silvia_Relationship_Coach
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 3
Re: Open Marriage

Dear Paul, there are legal agreements between husband and wife regarding extramarital relations, but I don't see how that would help you.
From what you are saying, I understand that your wife wants a divorce and that you don't (the reasons are not very important at this point). You would be fine with staying together and having sex with other people, but would she? It is important to find out if she would be ok with that.
Open marriages are working for so many people and are disastrous for others. And lots of times it can be the secret ingredient that brings sex back in the marriage.
If the two of you decide to have an open marriage, it is important so set some boundaries that you both agree on.
Good luck, Paul. I hope things will work out for the best.
Silvia_Relationship_Coach is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th January 2017, 11:48 AM   #5
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,389
Re: Open Marriage

I cannot believe what you said and you call yourself a relationship coach? It is not an answer to start sleeping around with other people, even with the consent of one's spouse. In my opinion that would lead to a step downward and an emotional desert, not to mention the sexual diseases one could pick up. Sex should be part of a committed marriage in my opinion.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th January 2017, 12:22 PM   #6
Silvia_Relationship_Coach
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 3
Re: Open Marriage

Raymond, we are talking here about un unhappy marriage where there hasn't been sex for three years. Paul has already been sleeping with other women and maybe his wife has been having affairs as well.
In this particular situation, an open relationship (if Paul's wife wants that as much as he wants it) is hardly a step backward.
As for the emotional desert, it seems to me that they are already there.
Things are not always black or white, you either have an idyllic loving relationship or get a divorce. There are lots of gray areas in between.
Silvia_Relationship_Coach is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th January 2017, 08:36 PM   #7
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,389
Re: Open Marriage

Paul can do what he wants Sylvia and each has to give the advice that he believes in. I personally believe a divorce would be better before he starts sleeping with other people although I wouldn't believe in that either until he gets married again. What would his wife feel if he starts sleeping with other women but cannot bring them home? There is no indication that she would be happy with that in her own home, nor any indication that she would do the same.

The answers might be theoretical anyway as Paul has not returned since the 3rd of November. We obviously disagree on morals.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th January 2017, 12:25 PM   #8
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,763
Re: Open Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silvia_Relationship_Coach View Post
Dear Paul, there are legal agreements between husband and wife regarding extramarital relations, but I don't see how that would help you.
From what you are saying, I understand that your wife wants a divorce and that you don't (the reasons are not very important at this point). You would be fine with staying together and having sex with other people, but would she? It is important to find out if she would be ok with that.
Open marriages are working for so many people and are disastrous for others. And lots of times it can be the secret ingredient that brings sex back in the marriage.
If the two of you decide to have an open marriage, it is important so set some boundaries that you both agree on.
Good luck, Paul. I hope things will work out for the best.

So you advocate adultery?
How very sad.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th January 2017, 12:30 PM   #9
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,763
Re: Open Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silvia_Relationship_Coach View Post
Raymond, we are talking here about un unhappy marriage where there hasn't been sex for three years. Paul has already been sleeping with other women and maybe his wife has been having affairs as well.
In this particular situation, an open relationship (if Paul's wife wants that as much as he wants it) is hardly a step backward.
As for the emotional desert, it seems to me that they are already there.
Things are not always black or white, you either have an idyllic loving relationship or get a divorce. There are lots of gray areas in between.
He doesnt say that he has slept with other women.

Adultery always has bad consequences. Yes there are marriages that arent idyllic, but bringing adultery into them will only make things worse. The couple getting good counseling and working on the marriage is what is needed, not encouragement to be unfaithful.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2017, 07:42 PM   #10
LibraLady
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 89
Re: Open Marriage

So, it seems the question should be asked. Do you live together miserably and struggle or get a divorce and struggle BUT possible be happy?
LibraLady is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2017, 08:34 PM   #11
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,389
Re: Open Marriage

Sounds to me like she wants the financial security of staying where she is and allowing him to date who he likes. I don't see how that will work long term if he meets someone he wants to settle down with. Him still living with her would surely put dampers on any good relationship.

My view is that they should divorce and both start again. Hanging on to financial security will surely muddy the waters of any new relationship and just make it far more complicated.

I know it will be hard to sell up but it will make it a lot harder if they don't. A clean break is better here I think.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 01:27 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright 1999-2017 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer