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Old 4th May 2006, 04:55 PM   #1
helenrw200
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today

I went to see a new counsellor today and again had to tell my whole story from start to finish ( well as best I could in the allotted 50 minutes ), afterwards she said to me I seemed very flat and emotionless and told the whole thing as if it had happened to someone else, I said it's a coping mechanism, if I stopped and thought too much about it,I'd either go mad or kill myself.She asked did I ever cry, I do but always when alone, I was brought up to see crying as a sign of weakness.

I've been feeling really low since I came home, it's stirred everything up again, and try as I might I can't forget some of the things that have happened.

It's probably going to get a whole lot worse before it gets any better... if it does, and I feel I have no support, my partner never even asked how it went and it seemed as though he couldn't wait to go to work !

It was my decision to stop the A/D's as I felt they hadn't helped after 10 years and it was time to get to the root cause of my depression, I think it's going to be a long journey.

Looks as tho my partner is going to be no use at all, so will be struggling on alone as usual, I will get there , I'm determined.


Helen
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Old 4th May 2006, 05:15 PM   #2
Lovey
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Re: today

Helen it's okay to cry. It's not weak, vulnerability is a good thing in a marriage. I know how bad you feel hun, I have felt it as well. Please know that you are not alone. We're here to support one another. I am sending you a big online hug.

I applaud you for going to a therapist. The long journey is worth it. Trust me! Many of my clients have left me, after their journey with hope and a new future! You can too!!

Give him until after work and if he doesn't ask you how it went, ask him if he'd like to hear about it. Be gentle. Maybe he is afraid to ask!
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Old 4th May 2006, 05:46 PM   #3
helenrw200
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Re: today

Hi Lovey

I asked him before he went, he won't be home til 3am as he works a late shift, he just said he assumed it was the same thing as before ( I've already seen a therapist previously ), I don't think he can handle hearing about it, or maybe he just aint interested ! who knows /


As for crying, not much point, it doesn't help and gives me a headache, nobody ever comforted me and as it doesn't make me feel better, I now keep it inside.

Is it true that reverted anger causes depression ? If so I must e reeeeeeeeeeaaalll angry.

Helen
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Old 4th May 2006, 06:04 PM   #4
Lovey
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Re: today

I'd believe what he says for what it is. He assumes it's the same thing and unless something new has popped up or you've had an epiphany, he may not want to know about it. That's okay if he doesn't want to know for now. It's about you. That's something to remember that you're doing it for you. If you do gain some new insight, you can happily relay this to him!

I hear you. Crying gives me a headache too. There are other ways of getting anger and hurt out. Do you exercise? It helps me. Might help you! Keeping it in isn't healthy for you. In the end when it comes out, it comes out in illnesses sometimes, and in yelling matches with your H. I've learned from experience that it only scares them away!!

Yes, reverted anger can cause deep depression, Helen. It starts out as hurt, deep hurt and if you don't admit that you're hurt it turns to anger then depression. If you are vulnerable enough to tell H that you're feeling hurt by his porn watching and lies it's better for you in the long run. I know it's hard to be vulnerable but like I said. It's best for you. more hugs for you.
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Old 4th May 2006, 06:57 PM   #5
helenrw200
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Re: today

Lovey

I wish you were my therapist !

Helen
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Old 4th May 2006, 07:54 PM   #6
hoxton
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Re: today

Helenrw200,

I hope you dont mind me butting in but I have been reading a lot of your posts and I am shocked by how simlar our situations are, or should I say our husbands,

I also found my H with a second mobile phone full with a womans number on it that he has sworn he doesnt even know who she is he still claims he met her over the net and has never met her in person, But over the last year to 18 months I have found out that he has been looking at porn he used to hide it but I still found it I am like a hound dog...........
But now he does not even hide it any more, but like your H he does not think he has been unfaithfull to me because it has been over the phone and net and not in person like that is ok................ Where are they at ?
I do not think I will ever be able to fully trust him again because I know he is a liar and he never confesses to anything even if I found him in bed with another woman he would say "she was not there a min ago how did she get there"

He says he knows what he did was wrong and he will not talk to her again but it is not just that or her it is the whole porn thing he downloads porn all the time he has chatted on line he has exchanged sexual pics with other women, Why do they feel the need to do it I just dont know. I still struggle every day with it. He says it has nothing to do with the way he feels about me but like you have said why would you do something that you know would hurt the one you love.

I have joined the gym I think I have got a bit obssesed with it I go six times a week but I think it helps me feel a bit better about me it's like it gives me back a bit of control, I wish I could just have a healthy sex life well thats not true we do have an active sex life it's just that it is not enough for him is it he obviously feels the need to do this I told him that it's the fact is all behind my back, But I think that's what the addiction is it is knowing he is playing with fire,
Sorry for rambling on It's just that it is thursday evening and when I found the phone I was shocked to find he used to call her on his way home from darts thurs night, So even now I still get myself upset. See this is not good when is it gonna stop I just cant stand it. I hate this feeling in my gut, I just want to be happy inside not just a front and he does make me happy most the time but when I am on my own I am still sad most days, they say it gets easier, tues and thurs are especially hard for me.

We had a really lovely day even took the kids for a walk along the canal walked hand in hand and I really thought yeh we are gonna be ok, And now look at me he is upstairs getting ready for darts and I get myself in a state.

I am sure I will be ok again tommorow.

I think that it is great that you have come of the A/D and are going for therapy it will make you stronger and a person for it,

Sorry for going on so much. I just needed to let of some steam.

I wish you all the luck and my thoughts are with you.


Amanda

Last edited by hoxton; 4th May 2006 at 08:11 PM.
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Old 4th May 2006, 08:23 PM   #7
helenrw200
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Re: today

Amanda

Believe me I know that horrible feeling only too well. A few months ago my partner didn't turn up at work and work phoned to see where he was, for over 24 hours he just disappeared, turned off his mobile etc. Then I got a txt saying " on my way home babe " and home he came, said he'd needed time to think, was desperately sorry for hurting me ( this was just after I'd found the SIM card ) couldn't believe he'd hurt me so badly, had to earn my trust etc etc . I believed him, took him back, but every night after he'd gone to work, I was waiting for work to phone and ask where he was, I still do.

He rings at 8.30 at night during his lunch break and if he's a few minutes late, I assume he's gone, if he's late home, which he often is as he has to stay til work is completed I think he's not coming home, it's 3 in the morning, imagination takes over, panic lurks. It's a horrible way to live.

He doesn't get this, he thinks that giving me his word that he won't ever just disappear again should be enough ( he knows my biggest fear is someone just disappearing ), it isn't, it can't ever be.

I don't worry as much now, as time's gone on I've come to the conclusion that if he wanted to disappear he would, I wouldn't know anyway til he'd done it, but sometimes I can't help thinking about it.

I had to smile at your scenario of what would happen if you found him in bed with a woman , although it isn't at all funny , because over the last few years I've heard it all, all the denials, even when confronted with proof and it's EXACTLY the sort of thing my partner would say.

I don't know why they do it , cheap thrill ? A belief they won't get caught ? I don't think even they know for sure.

All I know now is, I don't believe a word he says , don't trust him an inch and probably never will. Nothing's changed despite his promises, and how am I to know he hasn't carried on doing it ? after all I only have his word for it, and that's worth zilch !

I don't think it matters how good a sex life you and H have, it certainly didn't make a difference to my partner, ours was good .......it has suffered, it's hard to make love to someone with all these pictures of what he might have done with other women going through your head, I guess I hold back a bit now.

It's so hard to love someone when you can't trust them, it spoils the intimacy you had, we used to be very tactile, but now I find it impossible to be that natural with him, and I guess he feels the same way.

His over- riding emotion seems to be anger, he gets angry because I've checked up, doesn't even allow me time to say much, it's always all about what I've done, throws the heat off him I guess.

I wish you well Amanda, I hope you can work things out.

Love

Helen
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Old 4th May 2006, 08:37 PM   #8
hoxton
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Re: today

Helenrw200,

He has just gone out, he give me a hug (he knew I was upset) He says to me honey please dont worry yourself I love you and only you. It sticks in my throat because I know he loves me but it does not stop him doing what he does and like you said I only have his word for it that it has stopped and to be honest he has lied to me so many times his word does not stand for much,

And your right If you have a boring sex life it can happen and if you have an active sex life it can happen they have proved that.
Last night while being intimate I just said no I want to go to sleep now I told him he was selfish and just turned over. I dont know what came over me I just felt that I did not want to lie I was upset thinking about him wanting her or still seeing her maybe he compares us and it made me feel ill I just turned over, cried myself to sleep because I dont want to feel like this and most days I am ok its just that when it gets in my head it gets stuck there, but how can he make me feel like a princess one min and then I hate him the next.

we have a good life and I love him to bits it is just that side to him. He is a womaniser allways will be It is just if I can live with it or not, For now I am trying,

Thanks for listening,

Amanda x
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Old 4th May 2006, 11:19 PM   #9
Lovey
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Re: today

Quote:
Originally Posted by helenrw200
Lovey

I wish you were my therapist !

Helen
Thanks Helen. I appreciate that.

Amanda, I've read your posts as well and noticed similarities between your H and Helen's partner. I am somewhere in the middle.

Amanda, keep really busy Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'd advise going out on your own with friends on those nights if you can, or letting him know exactly how you feel when he goes out these nights. To me, he shouldn't be going to darts because of that. It makes me crazy that these guys lie and cover things up.

I agree with you both. It doesn't matter how much sex you have. My H and I had sex twice a day, sometimes more and he was still at the computer masturbating to porn. He told me that he'd done it twice a day every day, before he met me. Talk about obsessed! Now, all I need is once a day, sometimes twice is good as well but not needed. We're still very active but I do find those times when I just can't and won't and don't want him. I find it difficult to make out with him, because it's so intimate to me. This hurts him, so I tell him that if he wants to stop feeling that hurt, he needs to make me happy as well. It's a two way street.

(A tip! Be careful with the gym, Amanda. Let your body have two days off a week. I really hurt myself with my trainer once because I was in the gym for hours every day!)

Even though it's my decision to stay and try again, sometimes I detest that I have to sit back and wait for the other shoe to drop- again.
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Old 5th May 2006, 07:15 AM   #10
helenrw200
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Re: today

Amanda

I guess at least he's trying to reassure you,I always liken broken trust to breaking an antique vase, you can repair it but it retains a hairline fracture that makes it vulnerable, and it doesn't take much for the crack to widen again.

I wish I had the answers to why people feel the need to cheat ( and yes I'd call it cheating ) in this way, but I don't .

I know it's a really bad thing, but I'm thinking of using a " honey trap " to find out once and for all how far he would go, the wondering and not knowing is driving me crazy and I'm not sure that knowing the truth could be any worse than this.

Hugs Amanda.

Helen
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Old 5th May 2006, 09:12 AM   #11
hoxton
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Re: today

Thanks Lovey,

Tuesday evening has always been my night out for darts (not that I enjoy going anymore) I can't concentrate I play crap most the time and I sit there completely stressed my mind is at home and thinking about what he is up to, Tues has been his night to himself and those are the nights they shared there sick pics and chatted away and he god only knows what he was doing on the pc, It was when I came home from darts earlie that I found him with the second phone in the bathroom. And thurs nights because I know that he used to call her on his way home from darts every week, I still go on a tues but I dont like it. and as for thurs I take a sleeping tab cos other wise I would be a wreck, I keep thinking what if he meets her on a thurs and does not even go darts, and then he talks to her all the way home, I have often thought about following him, soppose I am frightened I will get cought. And the fact I am trying to trust him, Or maybe thats a cop out maybe it's because I am to scared of what I might find hey.

And your right about the gym I hurt the muscle just below my calf and I have not been able to run for the past week or so. I am now using the cross trainer instead I do an hour of cardio a day then my weights sit ups and stretchs.

But when I was younger I was into gymnastics dance and athletics not to mention once I hit 16 I ended up being bulimic, Most people if they want to lose weight just dont eat no not me I am so greedy I binge and chuck up, I have not been sick for 13 years but I did slip up two tuesdays ago I ate so much at darts felt really guilty come home and chucked up, I dont know why I did it, I then felt guilty ashamed and disgusted with myself and cried some more, Not done it since and wont,

I know it's just me gaining control over my life, I have always had this issue with not feeling loved for who I am, pretty screwed up really, Went through counciling for 10 years on and off, and thought I finaly found someone who loved me for being me and not for what I looked like I went up to a size 12 at 5foot7 that is still quite slim I thought and I was really happy, now look at me, but I have to go cos it makes me feel better about myself,

Lovey twice (wow) We are twice a week for the past couple of yrs but every other month or so we would have a kinky session so I thought that was enough, Obviously not.


Helenrw200,

Your so right in when you say you can repair it but the cracks are always gonna be there, that is exactly the way I feel,

I also love the idea of catching him out I just dont think I am emotionaly ready for dealing with the consiquences. But I am working on getting myself strong again I start college sept hopefully and the baby should start nursery so I am sure things will get better,

Feel ok this morning,

Lets hope we all have a nice weekend.

Amanda x

Last edited by hoxton; 5th May 2006 at 09:38 AM.
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Old 5th May 2006, 04:27 PM   #12
helenrw200
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Re: today

Amanda

At the moment I feel the same way, It would be easy enough for me to do, but if I caught him for sure, what then ?

I'm torn between wanting/needing to know and wanting to bury my head in the sand and hope it all goes away. Of course in an ideal world what I really want is for it never to have happened at all.............not possible I know.

I feel really low today ( the counsellor warned me this might happen )and to be honest I just want to pack a bag and run away and hide, but again that's not possible.

He's working the weekend or at least part of it, has been working his part time day job today and just left for his late shift, because of the agoraphobia it now feels like I'm in prison, using public transport or walking out of the house alone is a near impossibility for me right now and as I can't drive, I'm pretty much stuck here. Maybe it's because I feel dependant on him, that I don't take the final step to finding out the truth ?

Sometimes I want to hold him and beg him to stay and others I want to run as far away as I can,it's tearing me in two and I can't think straight anymore.

Sorry to hear you had bullimia, don't let him drive you back to that, you're stronger than that.





Lovey

We had a fantastic sex life, I always had a high sex drive and was more experienced than him, I introduced him to lots of new things, never said no to anything he wanted to try, I'm pretty open minded where sex is concerned, can't help feeling though that by doing this I maybe opened a can of worms ? It's dwindled now, partly because of the hours he works and partly because I always feel there are 3 of us in the bed, I'm no longer sure who he's thinking about when we make love, quite off putting ! It never stopped him needing porn tho, it's like he just has no self control at all.

His previous girlfriend with whome he lived for 12 years apparently either didn't know or didn't care ( he won't say which ) and from the little he has said wasn't keen on sex , or experimentation, apart from her his experience in bed was very limited. I've noticed too that he wants to make love less often, I wonder if this is guilt, or that porn is easier ? He says it's his age ( he's only 38 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ) and that he's tired, but not too tired to sit on his laptop chatting to women ... hmmm .

Have a good weekend all, I've got the laundry to look forward to !

Helen
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Old 5th May 2006, 04:57 PM   #13
hoxton
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Re: today

Hi Helenrw200 Thank for your reply,

I feel so much like you do I too think it is partly my thought I always knew my H was kinky and I was more than happy to go along with it and even instigate a lot of the things we have done, I think all I done was give him a taste of it, And then when I pulled back he said it was ok but he continued but obviously behind my back. But like you said I think I had my part to play in it, I dont have a problem with us messing around or being kinky as long as it is just the two of us and now that has been ruined because he has done so much on his own it is about him and not us ? does that make any sense to you ?

He sent me a rude pic the other day and where as before that would of been fun all it did was upset me cos I thought who else is he sending it to and the pics I found on his phone were really rude and Its the fact he has shared that part of himself with someone else and it wasnt not me, It is like that was our special thing and it isnt anymore cos he has done it with someone else, He thinks cos he hasnt met her that it is ok but he forgets that when it stopped being mostly sexual they were friends and they were there for eachother, I dont know what is worce, She text me saying that he told her he thought of leaving me but by doing what he does with her kept him here and that they were there for eachother oh and not forgetting that he told her the corniest line in the book "my wife dont understand me" Stupid bi**h. He says he never said them things but I know he is lying she has no reason to lie does she ? He wont tell me nothing about her he says he does not know anythihng about her he is very vauge and dissmissive about it all, but he was friends and phoned her daily so they obviously chatteed about something, The thought of him disgusing us with her and my kids and our life still makes me feel physically sick, But talking on here really helps me and it stops me telling my mum or friends so that is also good.

As for your H age mine is gonna be 50 this dec and he is still fireing on all cylinders, (just my luck)..............

Dont worry my bulimia will not come back I am in controll and I know the signs so I am getting to grips with it......

Sorry to hear about your agraphobia my mum had it for years and still now needs to have someone with her if she goes further than the local market. When we were kids we had to do all the shopping and go with mum everywhere it is really hard, Maybe now you are seeing a therapist maybe you can eventually work on that but I am sure sorting out your marraige stuff is on the top of the list.

Big hug it is such a lovely day have you got a nice garden to sit out in, I have been in the ice rink (cold)

Take care

Amanda x

Last edited by hoxton; 5th May 2006 at 05:02 PM.
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Old 5th May 2006, 05:13 PM   #14
helenrw200
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Re: today

Hi Amanda

yes that's exactly it, it's the thought of the person you love being intimate with someone else, not even necessarily in a sexual way, just sharing something that should be between the two of you, it devalues what you thought you had, makes you lose self confidence........how can they say it doesn't detract from what they feel for you ? I just don't get the way they think.
my partner too refuses to discuss what happened with this woman on the phone and now gets angry if I bring it up, won't even tell me if she's local ( which obviously makes a huge difference if she is )or even her name. I didn't see his txts to her, but her txts were very explicit and even said can't wait to see you. Yet he denies he had any intention of ever meeting her..........yeah right.

I can't forgive him for all this so I can't see there's a future, if he shows any concern about me now I just think he's pretending, he must be, if he could do something like this how can he care about me ?

I've been monophobic since I was a child, but managed to keep it at bay for years, refusing to give into it, last 2 years or so it's gotten worse, I'm hoping therapy can help,can't hurt anyway.

Take care Amanda, hugs.

Helen
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Old 5th May 2006, 07:45 PM   #15
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Re: today

Amanda, you said..
Quote:
And your right about the gym I hurt the muscle just below my calf and I have not been able to run for the past week or so. I am now using the cross trainer instead I do an hour of cardio a day then my weights sit ups and stretchs.
Argh, I had hurt my back when I worked out too much. They say (trainers) as long as you leave a day in between for weight lifting and two days off everything, you're good! :P

I'm sorry to hear you have had bouts of bulimia. You're smart to keep on top of things with regards to the Bulimia. This is a very cruicial time for you and if you feel yourself really letting go of control, you always have us and counselling. Stay strong.

Helen, I'm also sorry to hear about your agoraphobia. That doesn't help matters, does it? You're right to say partially you feel unable to leave because you're dependant on him. It's one of the hardest things to do if you're physically or financially dependant upon someone. It can be scary as it is to be on your own but to do it when you're used to a certain lifestyle? It makes things a little harder. When you're stronger, you won't feel that dependance as much.

I'm a little out of the loop, because my H just watches porn, but I can tell you that from what I've read of both of your posts, I'm with you. I have to wonder if both are seeing someone else. All signs point to yes, unfortunately.

Helen, you were saying that if he could do something about this why does he stay or how can he care for you? I thought about it and wondered if you think it's possible that either the guys feel stuck in the relationship as you do or if they or he is staying until something else comes along? Something to consider. It's better to be forewarned or forearmed... whatever that saying is.

Amanda, have you ever thought of calling this woman and meeting with her? Sometimes a jolt of reality (to her) will let her see what she's doing to an entire family. One of my girlfriends H's was cheating on her with a young girl. She found out about it and he told her he couldn't leave this woman because he cared for her. My friend set up a meeting with the girl to let her know what's going on within the home and it turned out that the girl was being lied to by the H as much as the wife was. The girl left my friend's H and my friend was able to salvage her marriage, still being married with four kids today.

That's if you want to salvage things, it's something to consider.

PS. It's neither of yours or my "fault" that these men are watching porn or if yours is seeing someone behind your back. Don't ever think that. They'd have done it on their own and it has to do with their own insecurities and issues. Introducing someone to kink doesn't make for eventual lies or covering up. That's all him. (them.. meaning, our guys)

What I detest about my guy watching porn is that over the years I know that it will only get worse, may lead to other things and it will detract from our sexlife. This is proven time and time again with marriages splitting up because of porn. Watching porn is easier for the man. He gets lazy and doesn't have to touch his wife, feel that intimacy, etc.
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