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Old 5th May 2006, 09:46 PM   #16
hoxton
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Re: today

Hi Lovey,

When I called her she would not answer the phone, She did speak to me once on the night and I called her a home wrecking tart ect ect ect I cant remember now it is all a blur,
I spoke to her last year the first time I found her text and she said that she met him in a pub up the angel and he does work near there she said he smiled at her and she text him but she never knew he was married. Oh and then she said it will not happen again and a year later I find they have continued there intamacy and he even got a second mob, She will not talk to me she only texts, She has said they have never met that it was mostly sexual but now they are mainly friends he has been there for her and vice versa, I told her that she is the problem,

I dont know any more,

Bit upset will post in the morning
amanda.
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Old 6th May 2006, 10:47 PM   #17
Lovey
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Re: today

I'm sorry you were upset when you wrote this. I hope you're having a better day today. Big hugs.

It's too bad that she couldn't see what her part in the issue is and back away. She's selfish and one day someone will hurt her and maybe she'll see what it feels like.

Today my H told me that he would be jealous and wouldn't like it if I got pictures and or video of sexy naked guys. Interesting. I told him that I deserve to get to watch hot guys for three years. He agreed but said he wouldn't like it. Hrm. What to do.
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Old 7th May 2006, 01:52 PM   #18
hoxton
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Re: today

Hi all,

My H informed me that he has been on this site and thinks it is a load of rubbish thinks it is just a load of people wanting to make other people feel better and that they only tell one side of the story, I said obviously you can only say how you feel and what you are going through we can only put down what we think our partners are feeling, and anyway when you are desperate and feel aloan it is good to know that there is someone there to understand what you are going through and offer some support, He says how can you give someone advice if you dont know two sides of the story,

See he looks at it like people are taking sides, It is not like that we just offer advice and support to people that are hurting,

I also had a friend of mine on the phone yesterday telling me her she has just found out her H is having an affair, I really feel for her, She has gone nuts smashed up his car cut up his clothes.........
It has brought back a lot of pain I never slept well last night my brain went into over drive again, And to top it off my middle son has just informed me that when I left the pub on st georges day he see some woman talking to Dad she put her hand up on his side but under his shirt................. He said Dad looked uncomfortable and tried to move away but that could be because our son was watching, He said she spoke to him a couple of times, and as it is he is working in that pub today doing a V.E day gig so I might pop down there, See what I am like I get on one over little things but He makes me angry why dioesnt he just take her hand a move it or better still tell her to move her hands, I hate the fact that he is like this you see he will say there is nothing wrong with that but I think he is sending singnals saying that it is ok...........
What do you think ?

Why do men have to be such assho**s.
But I am at home doing dinner and he is at the ice rink with our eldest He is so good with the boys and is a good dad, He is also good with me and I am happy most of the time it is just that these little things niggle away at me,

Any tips will be appreciated.

Amanda x
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Old 7th May 2006, 05:16 PM   #19
Lovey
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Re: today

Hi Amanda,

Your Husband may be a little miffed because we're discussing your private life on here. It's understandable that he'd have that reaction. We're only here to support one another, and you'd get the same with a Therapist - one side. We do the best with what we've got and it simply doesn't matter if he likes it. You do, and that's all that counts.

Everything we say is fair. We do not take sides. It's not about taking sides. Not all H's feel this way about this board, he might like to know that my H is happy that I am able to discuss this here. Besides, it's anonymous!!

I feel for your friend, Amanda. It's too bad she did all of those terrible things to his car and clothes. She will feel terrible about it later on, and he didn't deserve that. I hope she has a good support system. If she'd like to come here, we can all give her support she will need.

I think that the pub incident is difficult for some people. If it were me, I'd have removed the person's hand off of me with force and intent to let them know that it's unacceptable. Your Husband might not be comfortable with confrontation enough to say anything to her about it. I think that you need to talk to him about that and let him know that while he has this secret life, under NO circumstances is he to let your children see this.

That right there is a good way to show how NOT to be a good father. I hope he read that. He might be a good Dad in many other ways, but that right there is one of the worse things a father can do is to let his kids in on something like that. At least if he couldn't stop her for you he should have stopped the girl for the kids sake. He needs your help to start standing up for himself at least in front of the kids, because they are innocent and don't deserve to see that.

Also, it's not fair to you. Maybe you can talk to him and discuss certain ways of telling her that he is uncomfortable with her behaviour? He might not know what to say, so if you brainstorm, it will be easier to come up with something you can both agree on. I would expect my H to resist any advance made by any woman while I am in his company or not. Respect is what your H needs to remember.

I don't think all men are a-holes, and certainly not all the time.
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Old 7th May 2006, 05:49 PM   #20
hoxton
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Re: today

Hi Lovey thanks for replying,

Your right they are not all assho**s, I was just sounding off (sorry if I caused any offence to any guys)

I asked him about it and he says he does not remember that and if anyone would put there hand up his shirt he would deffinately tell them to get off, He did tell me a couple of them were pestering him.
He does like me using this forum he knows it helps me and makes me feel better. He just thinks that it is silly (well he would think that because he is not the one hurting is he)

He knows how I feel about him letting people invaid his personal space and he does not like being blunt with people but he has to learn.

Your right it was not the best move to smash his car up I have told her to wait and speak with him but he run out yesterday am and has not been back since, she has not even cried or anything ( scarey )


Take care.
Thanks again.

Amanda x
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Old 8th May 2006, 12:31 PM   #21
helenrw200
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Re: today

Hi Amanda

I agree they're not all assholes, but some of them can certainly act like it some of the time !

You desribed your H as a bit of a womaniser , it sounds as though he gets an ego boost from it, this is what annoys me most about my partner, he can't see that by boosting his own self confidence in this way he's destroying mine. Men who are secure in themselves don't feel the need to get attention from other women when they are in a loving relationship... or if they do, they shouldn't. I certainly don't need other men telling me I'm attractive or stroking me, I really don't care if they find me attractive or not as far as I'm concerned they don't exsist.

I've never even told my partner about this site, he would hate me discussing what he considers our private business with anyone else..... pretty rich coming from him ! He doesn't even like me talking to family about things, I'm supposed ( as I can't talk to him ) to keep it all inside, which is what he reckons he does. If he did read it he would have exactly the same opinion as your H, it's onesided and a waste of time,he thinks the same way about therapy and so doesn't even want to know what my counsellor says or thinks, as she only has my side of the story to go on !He thinks forums like this are basically where people go to bitch about their marriages when they should just get on and deal with it, or accept that's how things are !

The revenge thing is strange, I've always found a little revenge can be quite sweet but it has to be subtle, an ex of mine had a business with a free phone number for customers but he had to pay for the calls, while I was away one bank holiday weekend, I found a phone box in the middle of nowhere, rang the number and left the phone off the hook, it was off for 3 days ! It didn't cost him that much, but I felt better and he didn't really suffer much harm ! Sometimes the need for revenge when we've been hurt is pretty powerful and hard to deny . My present partner had a favourite coffee mug and the first time we split up I "accidently " dropped it onto the tiled kitchen floor and smashed it whilst packing up his things, I wrapped it carefully and sent it anyway.... he was never sure wether it was a genuine accident, but I felt soooo much better ! I even replaced it for him when we got back together but oh dear I just couldn't find one exactly the same .


Take care Amanda

Love

Helen x
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Old 8th May 2006, 02:31 PM   #22
Lovey
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Re: today

Yes, we all go through those days (or in my case last night, ) where we think they're assholes or are peeved at them. Unless what someone does is deliberate, revenge doesn't work for me.
I truly love my husband and wouldn't do anything deliberately to hurt him. Hurting him really would hurt me. I'd feel an emptiness inside if I did something to hurt him. I have to admit that last night when I had one of those bad evenings for some reason, I was the tiniest bit happy that he had a headache all night. I feel bad even admitting that, and feeling it too but it's true. I was having one of those 'what else have you lied about' nights and didn't even offer to massage his headache away. I awoke today in kind of a crap mood because of all this. I gotta say that your descriptions of revenge are quite funny!!

I agree with Helen, Amanda. Your H seems to enjoy the ego boost. Someone with a low self esteem usually needs that ego boost. I find it hard to believe that he didn't know a girl had her hand up his shirt. I'd raise my eyebrows at that one. If he is constantly pushing away women who are touching him, chances are that at one point he had encouraged the touching. Maybe he should find a new bar, or entertain you along with his buddies there. Might put a damper on that type of false stroking.

I hope your friend is okay, Amanda. I hope she doesn't play good soldier doesn't cry, and at least cries in private. It can unleash some of that anger for her. Hard to keep it all inside. Good thing she has you for a friend.

Hugs to all!
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Old 8th May 2006, 04:19 PM   #23
hoxton
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Re: today

Hi Helenrw200 and Lovey,

Having a bad day I have posted on my own thread about why...........
Helen I love hearing of people taking there revenge, In dec I cut up some of his clothes and packed them all in bin liners, He never even knew because by the time we sorted things out I ended up unpacking his stuff and I just threw the cut up stuff away, Took him a couple of weeks to even notice what was gone, I dont want to hurt him, I really thought I would go potty and I have been the opposite have been really soppy, Still funny to hear others get there revenge though,

I called my mate yesterday left a message for her and told her if she needs me I am here, But she is someone I went to primary school with but we are not particualy close, Her H is horrorble to her two daughters or used to be thats why I pulled back can not understand how any woman can love a man that much they turn a blind eye to there man mentally abusing her daughters, He never even spoke to her 8 yr old once even kicked her out the house not to mention woul go to the shop bring back choclate for there son but blatently left out her other two daughters aged 6 and 8 at the time, he was not a nice step dad, But she idolised him and loves him to pieces first time I have heard from her in six months we only talk if I call her, But I will be there for her because she is hurting and no matter what there is nothing worce than finding out the person you love more than anything in the world has cheated on you, I would love to tell her about this site but I cant because she does not know my stuff and I dont want her to gossip about me or show her H, What I talk about on here is very personal to me I have beared my fears and my truths, I dont want her to know, Is that selfish of me, ?

Take care,
Amanda x
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Old 8th May 2006, 04:33 PM   #24
Kimberley
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Re: today

Hi Amanda

No it is not selfish of you - I dont want my husband here either its private. If she stumbles on it she probably wont realise its you any way if she does not have information and there are a lot of threads to read and also she might just start a new one. It has helped me but when I tried to explain it to my friend she said that I should find a job where Im busy to keep my mind off things and didnt understand - no one understands until it happens to them.

Take care.
Kimberley X
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Old 8th May 2006, 04:38 PM   #25
hoxton
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Re: today

Thanks Kim,

While you was posting me I was posting you,

Scary,

Amanda x
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Old 8th May 2006, 04:42 PM   #26
helenrw200
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Re: today

No Amanda it isn't selfish at all, on here we open our minds and hearts and tell all our inner fears and I for one wouldn't like friends and family to have to read it, as you say it's personal.

It's valuable to have a real life support system, but the annonymity on here allows us to be more honest, I'm sure if she looked she'd find support groups anyway.

It's good that you're there for even though you know this man has been bad for her and her daughters, that's a true friend.

I hate the bad days when all your fears rush back and you have that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach, but I guess it's par for the course and all you can do is live day by day and wait for the good ones to outweigh the bad ( anyone have any idea how long that might take ??? ). I find it hard to concentrate right now on anything and can't seem to settle to do much, flitting from one task.. and thought.... to another .

I think revenge can be sweet, even if you do love someone, I wouldn't harm anyone but sometimes you can get a great deal of satisfaction out of knowing you've paid back a tiny bit of the hurt, I think that's human nature. The trick is not to do anyhting you might later regret.. or get prosecuted for !

Take care Amanda, big cyber hugs


Helen xx
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Old 8th May 2006, 04:57 PM   #27
hoxton
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Re: today

Helenrw200

I dont know how long it takes but when I do I will let you know or even better when you find out you can let me know,

Got a feeling we will be waiting a long time though, Ha ha ha

Amanda x x x
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Old 8th May 2006, 05:23 PM   #28
Lovey
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Re: today

I agree. It's not selfish of you. This is your solace and shouldn't be taken away. You're right. I wouldn't want my friends here either.

My H hasn't cheated on me, not even through online means and I haven't ever been cheated on by a man. I don't know how I'd react. What you said makes some sense that it makes you feel better even for a while. To each his own! I'm not judging you girls! I guess my thoughts are that if we all took an eye for an eye type of thing that eventually the world would be eyeless! haha Revenge can be more injurious than constructive but I guess that if you're going to do it to listen to Amanda and be careful that if you are going to do this, not to do something you'll regret or be arrested for.

What I did today (because it's been a bad day and I'm not busy with work yet) is to try to remember all of the positive that we have together. There is a lot. I count my blessings (no, I'm not religious at all!) with him and remember how everything else in our life is and has been great. He has shown me time and time again how much he loves me and this is what gets me through these bad days.

Let's see. How long does it take? One day at a time! I wish I had the answer! I'd wave my magic wand!
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Old 8th May 2006, 05:55 PM   #29
helenrw200
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Re: today

Lovey

I have been cheated on before, my first husband was a serial cheat and a pathological liar and it's a horrible thing to live with and can cause scars that affect the rest of your life and damage your ability to trust anyone in the future. I didn't find out til my first husband disappeared on me that pretty much the whole of our marriage ( almost 5 years ) had been a sham... and by then I had an 8 month old son, who my ex husband had wanted so badly and who he's seen twice in the 22 years since we split up !

It's good when you can count your blessings , and I only wish I could, but I can't see any to count right now !

You always think that if a partner cheated you'd walk right out or issue ultimatums that if it happens again you're gone, sadly when you love someone it isn't that easy for most ( although some do manage to do it ) and once you give them a second chance... and they do it again, you're pretty much condemning yourself to a lifetime of heartache. It's so hard when you're ina situation like mine.. or Amanda's... to know what to do for the best , to know what to believe, to listen to your head or your heart . To find that the person you love most in the world has broken your trust , made light of your love and shared intimacy with another person is the worst feeling in the world and leaves you doubting your own desirability and shatters your self confidence. All this for a quick s*** !

When you find your wand, shake it in my direction would you ? !!

Helen
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Old 8th May 2006, 06:21 PM   #30
hoxton
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Re: today

Lovey,

When you find that wand Please shake in my direction too.

Hugs

Amanda x
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