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Old 21st December 2013, 12:49 PM   #1
Car111
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Hoping to move forward

Hi All!

Here's my story. I had been on this forum a few months ago but haven't posted in a long time.

Together 13 years, married 8 years. Twin 6 year old girls and a 5 year old boy.

It all started in Feb of this year when I got the bomb drop of "I no longer love you, I feel empty inside, I haven't loved you in years.. I can't imagine a future together...". I was completely shocked. We went to counseling for a few months and it ended in June with him saying he wanted to separate. He then said he wasn't sure if he wanted to stay together or separate, and we started this strange kind of "limbo" or fence-sitting where we lived together but he wouldn't tell me whether he wanted to stay or go.

In September he told me he was leaving. He moved out to his brother's apartment and left me and the kids in the house. I was so sad but relieved in a way, after all of the hurt that he has caused me over the months. I started to move forward and just focus on myself and taking care of my children. I got a lawyer and started on the separation agreement.

Then one day he told me that he was second guessing his decision. He missed me and wanted to work on things. I felt shocked because I had been moving on. We are now reconciling and trying to rebuild our marriage. He is still at his brother's apartment. We still have a lot of issues we are slowly working through and we are going to start MC soon.
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Old 21st December 2013, 02:35 PM   #2
Car111
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Re: Hoping to move forward

It was such a strange feeling, to go through all of this. Believing that we were separating and now we are reconciling. We sat down and had a talk about what we would both like from our marriage. We both agree we would like our marriage to be stronger than ever and don't want to go back to how things were. We pointed out areas where we thought improvement was needed and both agreed we would do individual counseling. It felt so strange, after him closing himself off to me for so long he was finally opening up to me and telling me how he felt. We both have a lot of resentments about things that happened in the past that has caused us to close ourselves off.

In the beginning of us getting back together he was reaching out to me and talking to me and giving me lots of affection. It felt so good because he has not so much as hugged me since the big bomb drop. We had never been that affectionate in our marriage, even in the beginning. I became so hopeful, because I realized that was wanted in a marriage, someone to reach out to me in that way. I felt so loved. I guess you get so used to the way things are that you don't notice that you are missing something.

In the past few weeks he has stopped being affectionate again and it has me worried. I feel like things are going back to how they were before, and it makes me sad. I brought it up to him this morning.

I am feeling quite sad. I brought up the affection issue with my H this morning. I told him that I would like more affection. I expressed that when we were starting to reconcile he showed me lots of affection, and I felt so loved. I felt better than I have in years, that I didn't realize it was possible to have a marriage like that, that I was so happy and it felt so good.

I told him that I feel sad now because I feel like it's not like that anymore and asked what might have changed between then and now. He said that it feels awkward sometimes. He told me that he has spoken about affection with his counselor. He said that she feels that he might be holding back in order to punish me. I told him that sometimes it feels that way. I said that I didn't feel it was fair that he was only reaching out to be affectionate when he wanted to make love, and he agreed.

I feel so lost and alone right now and angry. I feel like I want to isolate myself from him in order to protect myself and my feelings. I recognize this is a pattern I often get into. At least I am recognizing it, although I don't know what to do.

Needing help and support, feeling so lost.

I talked to him again before he left for work. I was crying and he asked what was wrong. I just explained that I was so happy at how things were and that now I felt like we were backtracking. He reassured me that this is why we are working at things.

He asked what I needed. I asked him if I told him exactly what I would like if that would help in any way. I was worried that he would see that as pressure or that things would feel forced for him. He told me it was okay to ask for what I needed. I told him that for starters we could try a hug upon seeing each other in the day and a hug upon leaving. And then one kiss or hug initiated by him throughout the day. He said that seems reasonable.

I am glad that we were able to express our needs and communicate with each other, even though we were so timid about doing so. Sometimes I feel so lonely and just afraid to tell him how I am feeling. We seem to be having a lot of breakthroughs lately though, handling things differently now this time around.

Hopefully we are learning from our past mistakes. Sometimes when things get rough I get pretty overwhelmed and things seem hopeless. I just have to remember that things are different between us now and we are both working on our marriage. We can deal with any issues that come up now, and we are doing counseling.
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Old 21st December 2013, 09:57 PM   #3
ronnoco
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Re: Hoping to move forward

Hey Car111,

Sorry to hear you are going through a tough time.

Communication is the most important thing. It's vital for a successful marriage so don't worry about telling your husband what you want. Don't worry you may "rock the boat" - this will do more harm than good.

Do you know what your husbands love language is? Google it and you will find the 5. You can even take on online test if you're not sure. Yours sounds very much like "physical touch"

If you both discover each others love language, you can start giving each other more of what you both like. This will be a good thing.

Having 3 young children is hard...I know as I have 3 myself. The days roll into one and it takes it's toll on you. You need to make quality time for you and your husband. Perhaps at least once a fortnight you could ask a family member or friend to baby sit and do something together. Why not sit down and write a list of all the things you would like to do and all the things your husband would like to do and start making them happen.

Perhaps you could arrange a weekend away if money permits. Even if just staying at a cheap hotel. A change of scenery will do wonders, perhaps catch a show, romantic dinner, etc.

Re-kindle the romance, have that quality time together. Have a cuddle on the sofa and watch a film, share a bottle of wine, etc - i'm sure you get the picture.

You're doing all the right things. It must be very difficult as you started that grieving process and actually, it sounds like you were doing really well and now you've had an unexpected turn around. You've probably got your guard up high which is understandable.

Try these suggestions but most importantly, keep talking to each other.

All the best!
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Old 22nd December 2013, 02:08 AM   #4
Car111
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Re: Hoping to move forward

Hi ronnoco,

Thanks for stopping by. For sure you are right about communication being so important. For so long I just avoided talking to him, and avoided confrontation, because I could picture what I imagined he would say or how he would react and I just didn't want to deal with all of it.

I have noticed, though, that lately when I have been talking to him about things he seems to listen more to what I am saying and he lets me know he is there for me. This is new for us. I think we are feeling both more safe about opening up to each other.

My husband's LL is Acts of Service. For sure how he expresses love to me and the kids is Acts of Service. He enjoys doing nice things for us, liking cooking nice dinners and putting the kids to bed. Up until the kids were born, he would often plan trips for us to take together, sometimes as a surprise. It made me feel so loved. I hope that one day he will do that again.

Now I need to start thinking of some things that I could do to fulfill his love language. I have been bringing him coffee in the morning and little things like that throughout the day.

A change of scenery would be nice, for sure. We tend to do the same type of thing when we go out, such as going out to dinner. I would like to do something fun and exciting! What I am really dying for is to go on a nice weekend trip. I am not sure if he is ready yet though, and I don't want to pressure him. I suppose I could casually bring it up to gauge his reaction....

What I am hoping for is that he will start to pursue me and start planning things. I suppose that is wishful thinking and it may never happen so I shouldn't expect too much. It is what I am hoping for though!
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Old 22nd December 2013, 11:20 AM   #5
Roses
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Re: Hoping to move forward

Quote:
Originally Posted by Car111 View Post
Hi All!

Here's my story. I had been on this forum a few months ago but haven't posted in a long time.

Then one day he told me that he was second guessing his decision. He missed me and wanted to work on things. I felt shocked because I had been moving on. We are now reconciling and trying to rebuild our marriage. He is still at his brother's apartment. We still have a lot of issues we are slowly working through and we are going to start MC soon.
Hi

I see that you had posted earlier this year. You posted:

"I have been married to my husband for 8 years and he just told me he no longer is in love with me, just doesn't feel that spark there anymore, doesn't care for me, etc, etc. Completely caught me off guard and now I am in the situation of waiting around for him to come around or leaving him. sorry for rambling on"

I'm sure you have been asked this before if not over this forum but by friends of yours who care about you, perhaps? Q: Are you sure your h hasn't been seeing other women whilst he's separated from you? It is often said that when a man or a woman says, "I love you but I am not in love with you", there's usually someone else in the background. Perhaps, not always but this happens often, they say...

It looks like you have been "waiting around" for him to come around for so long. Being a single Mum with three children must be really hard (as Ronnoco says).

You also allowed him to re-enter into your life after you were already dealing with your solicitor to divorce him. This may make him think that you are always available whatever he does or says?

You could forever wait around for him. But knowing you are posting your thread like you did, you are also very unsure of the future with this man? Staying put with him may be a safe choice for the time being but I am not sure what the long-term damage would be to you in case he changes his mind again?
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Old 22nd December 2013, 11:21 AM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Hoping to move forward

I think he is trying but it feels contrived to him. I think he should ignore this and press ahead. He can change. I have.

My wife's love language is touch but I had to learn that. It took a while but now it is natural for me and she is happier. I did love her but she needed it expressed in that way as well, which I had to learn. She said mine is acts of service as well.

Like him I used to start hugging her when I wanted sex. She picked me up on that and I felt so convicted because she was right. My daughter in law has the same problem. Hers is touch but my son doesn't do it. Won't even do the Love Language test at the end of the book.

I know it is not all about that but it is what we are picking up from your posts. Loving you all round, beyond feelings as well, is very important in a marriage. I put it at number one for a husband personally. One cannot love their wives too much but you have to love yourself as well to be free enough to do it.
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Old 22nd December 2013, 11:42 AM   #7
Roses
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Re: Hoping to move forward

Quote:
Originally Posted by Car111 View Post
Hi All!

It all started in Feb of this year when I got the bomb drop of "I no longer love you, I feel empty inside, I haven't loved you in years.. I can't imagine a future together...". I was completely shocked.
Are you really sure he's not seeing anyone else?

Also, they do say, "men say what they mean". I would be very careful if someone like this wants to come back regardless of MC.

I'm pro-marriage but I would be very cautious to be honest.
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Old 22nd December 2013, 12:05 PM   #8
chosen
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Re: Hoping to move forward

Quote:
Originally Posted by Car111 View Post
Hi All!

Here's my story. I had been on this forum a few months ago but haven't posted in a long time.

Together 13 years, married 8 years. Twin 6 year old girls and a 5 year old boy.

It all started in Feb of this year when I got the bomb drop of "I no longer love you, I feel empty inside, I haven't loved you in years.. I can't imagine a future together...". I was completely shocked. We went to counseling for a few months and it ended in June with him saying he wanted to separate. He then said he wasn't sure if he wanted to stay together or separate, and we started this strange kind of "limbo" or fence-sitting where we lived together but he wouldn't tell me whether he wanted to stay or go.

In September he told me he was leaving. He moved out to his brother's apartment and left me and the kids in the house. I was so sad but relieved in a way, after all of the hurt that he has caused me over the months. I started to move forward and just focus on myself and taking care of my children. I got a lawyer and started on the separation agreement.

Then one day he told me that he was second guessing his decision. He missed me and wanted to work on things. I felt shocked because I had been moving on. We are now reconciling and trying to rebuild our marriage. He is still at his brother's apartment. We still have a lot of issues we are slowly working through and we are going to start MC soon.
I wouldn't let him come and stay in the house ever, even for one night, until you are sure that he will never abandon you again. I would give it a year of seeing him and having counselling before you consider this. It will also be really heart breaking for the kids if he moves back in and then moves out again. He needs to prove to you all that he can be trusted this time and isn't going to just walk out when he feels like it.

As someone else said, are you sure I there wasn't a lady and he only wants to get back with you because they broke up? Its a real possibility, and its only right that you know. Could you maybe speak to his brother about this?
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Old 22nd December 2013, 02:17 PM   #9
Car111
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Re: Hoping to move forward

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Originally Posted by Roses View Post
Hi

It looks like you have been "waiting around" for him to come around for so long. Being a single Mum with three children must be really hard (as Ronnoco says).
Hi Roses, nice to meet you. We have been working on our marriage since February. We did some marriage counseling and then we were in limbo for 3 months. I don't really look at it as waiting around. I look at it as standing for my marriage, and I feel that standing is harder to do than just walking away. What I wanted was to fight for my marriage.

By standing I just continued to work on myself, and making myself happy and having fun with the children, all while giving him the space he needed. I figured it was just a phase, or a crisis he was going through and I wanted to be there for him. I did that up until the day he told me he was leaving. Then I did not fight him on his leaving, I told him that I was fine with his decision.

When I left I started to move on with my life without him and starting dealing with the lawyer. I am very cautious about letting him re-enter my life. I do believe that it is best to keep our family together and I still love him, so saving the marriage is the best option. We are cautiously entering into reconciliation. We are taking a slow and steady approach. First we had a discussion about how we would like to go about getting back together, and what needs and issues we have that need to be addressed. Then we agreed to do individual counseling to sort out some issues. Now, we are starting on our counselling together.
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You also allowed him to re-enter into your life after you were already dealing with your solicitor to divorce him. This may make him think that you are always available whatever he does or says?
I understand this. I am certainly not making it easy for him to just walk back into our marriage and home, we are slowly and steady working on things. If he ever does move back in it will be because he is certain and we won't just rush into it. If he ever comes back but then wants to leave again, it will be for good without a doubt. I have gone through a lot and I couldn't take him leaving one last time. If he left the door would be shut permanently.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roses View Post
Staying put with him may be a safe choice for the time being but I am not sure what the long-term damage would be to you in case he changes his mind again?
I have the long term goal of saving my marriage. If it doesn't work, the funny thing is that I feel I will be fine either way. Either way I will move forward and life will go on. Right now I am just taking a blind leap of faith. Nothing in life is guaranteed. I will be fine with whatever happens.
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Old 22nd December 2013, 02:33 PM   #10
Car111
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Re: Hoping to move forward

[QUOTE=Raymond;77413]I think he is trying but it feels contrived to him. I think he should ignore this and press ahead. He can change. I have.
[QUOTE]
Hi Raymond! I remember talking with you before about physical touch as the love language. How can I try to have more affection from him when I am the one who is wanting it? I don't want to keep asking him about it over and over, it comes across as nagging. Is there anything I can do from my end? I told him yesterday what I need in terms of affection and I think he got the message that it was important to me. So I guess now I just wait and see?

I am hoping he can change, or that it starts feeling more natural to him. Right now he is worried that it will feel forced. But even if it does feel forced right now, if he keeps doing it eventually it will feel natural to him? How do I get that message across to him? What I think is that he feels that he wants to wait until it 'feels natural'. Funny thing is that when we first started on reconciling he was being so very affectionate and it must have felt ok then for him.. so why is it different now?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Loving you all round, beyond feelings as well, is very important in a marriage. I put it at number one for a husband personally.
I feel he is working very hard right now on getting back together and working on things with me. I think he loves me in his own way. He has been so helpful around the house making us nice dinners and helping with the children's activities. He has still not said "I love you" to me since February. I have not said it to him either. It's not that I don't feel it, but I don't want to say it if I feel he won't say it back.

He is wanting to move back in. I am going to talk to him about it in counseling next week. I only want him to move back in if he feels that he is absolutely certain about our marriage. How am I going to know? If he were to leave again I would be pretty upset. He hasn't told me he loves me yet. Should I worry about this? Would I want him to move back in yet if he hasn't told me those words? I am confused about all of this.
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Old 22nd December 2013, 02:40 PM   #11
Car111
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Re: Hoping to move forward

Chosen, you are right, I certainly don't want him to move back in only to abandon me again. I want him to be certain about things when he moves back in. If he were to leave again, the door is shut permanently as I won't go through this again with him. I would divorce him and not look back. Now is our last chance. We are working hard now at putting the pieces back together. If he does move back in I want it to be for the right reasons, and I think it is a really big deal. You are right, I don't want the children to get their hopes up only for them to get their heart broken, or mine. How am I going to know when he is truly ready?

How do I get it across to him that if he moves back in I would like it to mean that we are a family again, that he is willing to spend the rest of his life with me, 'for better or worse'?

I know nothing in life is absolutely certain, but we should be able to work out any big issues in our marriage together and work through them as a team.
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Old 22nd December 2013, 06:31 PM   #12
Roses
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Re: Hoping to move forward

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We still have a lot of issues we are slowly working through and we are going to start MC soon.
Hi Car111

Lovely to see you too. It is totally admirable.

Was there any infidelity involved? Is this what this thread is *partly* about?

It sounds extremely traumatic. Am I picking up that you have been unable to discuss things / feelings face to face with him?
It is admirable you are willing to work on the marriage with someone who's unable to bring himself to say, he loves you?

I realize this is not just about your own happiness you are going to MC for. A tough situation to be in.
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Old 22nd December 2013, 06:35 PM   #13
Roses
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Re: Hoping to move forward

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As someone else said, are you sure I there wasn't a lady and he only wants to get back with you because they broke up? Its a real possibility, and its only right that you know.
I agree. It's never a pleasant question but..
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Old 22nd December 2013, 10:18 PM   #14
chosen
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Re: Hoping to move forward

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Chosen, you are right, I certainly don't want him to move back in only to abandon me again. I want him to be certain about things when he moves back in. If he were to leave again, the door is shut permanently as I won't go through this again with him. I would divorce him and not look back. Now is our last chance. We are working hard now at putting the pieces back together. If he does move back in I want it to be for the right reasons, and I think it is a really big deal. You are right, I don't want the children to get their hopes up only for them to get their heart broken, or mine. How am I going to know when he is truly ready?

How do I get it across to him that if he moves back in I would like it to mean that we are a family again, that he is willing to spend the rest of his life with me, 'for better or worse'?

I know nothing in life is absolutely certain, but we should be able to work out any big issues in our marriage together and work through them as a team.
I think that you can only know after a long time of waiting and working and seeing if his commitment is long term. Trust take such a long time to build up again.
The only way you can make him know that you only want him to move back in if he is prepared to stay no matter what, is to tell him. I would honestly give it a year before you trust him to move in again.. That will show if he is committed or not. If he isn't prepared to wait, then that will show that he isn't committed.

I still think you need to look into why he wanted to leave, and then why he suddenly wanted to come back. There may have been a love interest that ended, and so leaving him alone and wanting to have his family back.
The reason why I think you need to do this, is because if it was for that reason, he may leave again if the opportunity comes up again, and you need to know. Can you do some investigating or speak to his family? If not bringing it up in counselling may be a good idea. People dont normally leave for no real reason
.
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Old 23rd December 2013, 11:12 AM   #15
Roses
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Re: Hoping to move forward

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It was such a strange feeling, to go through all of this. Believing that we were separating and now we are reconciling.

In the beginning of us getting back together he was reaching out to me and talking to me and giving me lots of affection. It felt so good because he has not so much as hugged me since the big bomb drop. [B]We had never been that affectionate in our marriage, even in the beginning. I became so hopeful, because I realized that was wanted in a marriage, someone to reach out to me in that way. I felt so loved. I guess [B]you get so used to the way things are that you don't notice that you are missing something.

In the past few weeks he has stopped being affectionate again and it has me worried. I feel like things are going back to how they were before, and it makes me sad. I brought it up to him this morning.

I am feeling quite sad. I brought up the affection issue with my H this morning. I told him that I would like more affection. I expressed that when we were starting to reconcile he showed me lots of affection, and I felt so loved. I felt better than I have in years, that I didn't realize it was possible to have a marriage like that, that I was so happy and it felt so good.

I told him that I feel sad now because I feel like it's not like that anymore and asked what might have changed between then and now.
He said that it feels awkward sometimes. He told me that he has spoken about affection with his counselor. He said that she feels that he might be holding back in order to punish me. I told him that sometimes it feels that way. I said that I didn't feel it was fair that he was only reaching out to be affectionate when he wanted to make love, and he agreed.

I feel so lost and alone right now and angry. I feel like I want to isolate myself from him in order to protect myself and my feelings. I recognize this is a pattern I often get into. At least I am recognizing it, although I don't know what to do.


I talked to him again before he left for work. I was crying and he asked what was wrong. I just explained that I was so happy at how things were and that now I felt like we were backtracking. He reassured me that this is why we are working at things.
Hi

I am totally on the same page with Chosen. Reading the above is really heartbreaking.

Last edited by Roses; 23rd December 2013 at 11:22 AM.
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