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Old 2nd January 2017, 03:53 PM   #1
John Mark
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 1
Where did the sex go ?

I love my wife dearly, she is a wonderful woman, full of kindness and a cheeky fun spirit. She is everything you would want in a wife.

All that said, she has turned her back on sex (or so it feels), we have discussed this many times but the conversation never seems to lead to a change in attitude. We have a teenage son who still lives at home. She constantly tells me how tired she is, and to back that up she does sleep alot.

I, on the other hand do not, and often find myself laying in bed wide awake at 5-6am. I usually get bored and get up within an hour or so of awakening, i would not dare to wake my wife, she will sleep until 10am at least.

We have not had sex since July 2016, we are now in Jan 2017. this is not unusual for us, i am lucky if we have sex 3-4 times a year. Last year it was twice.

I am just lost and confused and not really sure where the problem lay anymore, i sometimes feel that it is me and now question my performance and that i am not good enough and clearly do not do it for her, so now am scared to even try as i do not want her to have obligatory sex, nothing would offend me more. Then other times i feel that she just is not interested regardless of what my performance would be.

Does anyone else have these conflicting thoughts ?
Does anyone else have the same issues ?

I love my wife, i really truly do, but i am at my wits end and need some advice and how to tackle this and what my next steps should be.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 09:22 PM   #2
chosen
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Posts: 5,770
Re: Where did the sex go ?

Sex in marriage is so important for so many reasons.

I think that you most tell her the depth of your unhappiness and desperation. That she is risking her marriage by what she is doing, and that no sex leads to temptation. This is just wrong. There is nothing wrong with compromise or agreeing to have sex, say, once a week or once every 2 weeks.
If she is tired then you could have sex during the day or early evening when you son is out, but I suspect its an excuse and I doubt its because of failings on your part, if it was then why hasnt she said anything and asked for different things in sex?

Maybe the first thing may be for her to get a medical check up. If she is going to bed at a reasonable hour, then she shouldn't need to sleep till 10 am. Does she not work? Doesn't she get up to see your son off to school?
After you have enabled her to realise the seriousness of the situation, and she has been medically checked, then marriage counselling may well help if she agrees, I hope she will, and I hope that she makes the effort to change, surely if she really loves you and wants the marriage to be good, she will.

We dont have to always 'feel' like having sex to make the effort for our spouse, and 3 times a year is going to seriously damage the marriage and lead to you being more and more tempted to stray.

In the end nothing will change unless you make sure she knows how you feel and what a massive thing this is for you.

Last edited by chosen; 4th January 2017 at 03:18 AM.
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Old 5th January 2017, 12:35 PM   #3
Believer
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Re: Where did the sex go ?

Hey John,

the problem you are experiencing is common in many marriages. Unfortunately. Like chosen says, sex really is really important. You mention that your wife says she is always tired, and many people are really stressed a lot by everyday life. What you could try is to arrange a weekend in a spa only for your wife and you. It must be a place where you both can fully relax and have some time for each other. Relax, talk, don't force anything but be a real gentleman. I have heard from many couples that that really reinvigorated their marriage. Good luck!
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Old 12th January 2017, 11:05 AM   #4
Silvia_Relationship_Coach
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Re: Where did the sex go ?

Dear John, first of all, let me congratulate you for having the patience to deal with that for so many years. It is obvious that you love your wife and that your marriage is very important to you.
From what you are saying, I understand that you've been married for quite a long time and that you've been dealing with the lack of sex for some years now. And that you've done your best to make things better.
The issue appears to have a deeper and more profound cause, and I don't think that a bottle of wine, good music or a day at the spa will solve that. It may improve the situation momentarily, but not in the long run.
I'm very interested to know how the two of you were at the beginning of your relationship, when did you notice your wife's lack of sexual appetite and how intimate are you guys outside sex. Do you touch each other, do you hug and kiss? How did that change over the years?
It is also important to know what's been going on in your wife's personal life. Why is she so tired, how's her professional and social life, does she manifest signs of depression?
I think is great that you are trying to get to the bottom of this, I hope things will get better for the two of you. Good luck, John.
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Old 12th January 2017, 12:55 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: Where did the sex go ?

I agree with Chosen. I know obligatory sex is not the answer but I do think it is part of marriage to stir ourselves up and meet the others need. I think this really needs to be talked through. I have heard of many wives who were awakened in this area. As Chosen said she is in danger of causing you to be tempted because of not supplying the intimacy that you need. This is fundemental in marriage. As has been said you need to talk with her on a deeper level and discuss you frustration and even temptation because of the situation.
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Old 8th February 2017, 11:36 PM   #6
TJW
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Re: Where did the sex go ?

Quote:
We dont have to always 'feel' like having sex to make the effort for our spouse
I don't always "feel like" going to work. Yet, it is important for my wife and my extended family that I keep a steady income that meets their needs. I have to suck it up, drag a comb, and go do it another day.
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Old 11th February 2017, 11:46 AM   #7
Raymond
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Re: Where did the sex go ?

Well done TJW. Hopefully sex isn't like that.
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Old 7th May 2017, 10:26 PM   #8
Pmsc
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Re: Where did the sex go ?

I noticed that in my relationship. Same thing. Rarely have (or had) sex and when we did it felt like she was always complaining. Always saying ouch before I even touched her. In the end I began to lose interest and rather watch TV. Then I felt like I didn't want her. Tbh I felt like I was rubbish at sex and knocked my confidence. Even now.

So I understand where you are coming from. I wish I had the answers but from my own personal experience, it meant that it was over. On two separate occasions.

Hope you guys can fix this before it is too late.
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Old 15th May 2017, 09:21 PM   #9
Raymond
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Re: Where did the sex go ?

I had to learn that sex to a wife is very much a part of the relationship rather than a thing separated on it's own.
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