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Old 11th February 2017, 04:01 PM   #1
Starmate
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 75
Need to move on

Hello folks,

Been a long time since I've been on this site, years in fact but suppose I always knew I would be back at one point. I'm separated now, since last October when I left the 20 year marriage that once was my life. It's been a hard time for me. I rent a flat on my own, money is tight and I'm lonely but it's where I need to be in my life just now - no more lonely than I was at home, we lived separate lives in the end. I practically lived in the bedroom and concentrated on my job, he would sit at TV with his mobile, tablet & laptop moving from one device to another every night. His drinking was a problem, he will never admit that. Recently diagnosed with diabetes he still* continues to live the lifestyle of a 20 something guy with not a care in the world. It was hard to watch. His health deteriorating in front of my eyes.

Anyway, just a snippet of where I'm at, day at a* time, good & bad days. I still think it's baffling how you think you know someone after twenty odd years. I know there's people out there like me but I still feel that my situation is different, for lots of reasons. Although I loved him, I never felt truly married - he made it that way and he still can't see it.

Any comments, stories, thoughts are welcome. I'm in need of some comfort that I'm not alone and will get through this.

Nice to hear from anyone out there.

Star x
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Old 12th February 2017, 01:47 PM   #2
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,768
Re: Need to move on

Well there is life after divorce, we are proof of that. TRy and get out there and do things. Join clubs, take up a new hobby, do exercise, find a nice friendly church if you are interested. I have learnt that we have to make the effort to move on and find new interests and friends.
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Old 12th February 2017, 09:28 PM   #3
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,397
Re: Need to move on

You have been through a hard time Starmate and have been badly let down and need to recover. I remember that he was doing porn and making light of it. I expect this got worse and the mental adultery continued along with the dishonesty and lack of empathy for your situation. It sounds like basically his selfishness destroyed the marriage. The porn was probably there from the beginning I think and when you said you never felt as if you were married it is understandable as in a sense he was married to the porn and got his sex from there. I know there were other problems but these could probably have been managed if he had really decided to work on his marriage.

Part of the healing I would think is in being able to trust another man. That's if you had any desire to find the right person. Another thing would be being able to forgive him in case you are imprisoned by he situation and perhaps bitter about it.
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Old 14th February 2017, 07:11 PM   #4
Starmate
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 75
Re: Need to move on

Hi Chosen & Raymond & everyone else,

Thank you for your replies, means a lot. Chosen, I had already started doing new things before I left the marriage, hub didn't like that. Years and years I've sat at home depressed, bringing up my daughter and so wishing things could change whilst he was out drinking and partying with work & friends - but yet he still thinks he's in a position to complain when I went out twice in a year with work! I was accused of all sorts. I fought my corner but I still live in disbelief at his nerve. Went to my Christmas night out, he insisted on picking me up, I introduced him to a girl I work with he said she was a lesbian and wouldn't talk to me all the way home in the car. Just a small example of what I've endured over years.
Raymond, you have a good memory! Yes, porn was an issue but more so chat rooms and divulging info about our marriage/sex life to strangers - that was 2004 and I felt so hurt. I don't know if this continued, possibly. Drinking and partying took over for him and complete selfishness that he still cannot see. I gave up, it was too much effort to have to put back the pieces time and time again with no effort or input from him - he can't see that either. He's telling people we split up over money problems, not the real story of course coz I don't think he has the common sense to even work that out yet. We had a massive bad patch in 2011 (well not for him coz he looked after himself), I told him he was making me hate him but he never ever took anything I said seriously - and that's what's happened bit by bit. I eventually withdrew completely, he still couldn't work it out. Got a job, got out more, detached myself completely over the last couple of years - and here I am.

I've done my grieving already, every time he hurt me a piece of the marriage fell away. The only grief I have is for the marriage I had committed to for life, feel like a failure but I really really tried. I'm feeling ok most days, getting stronger.

Hope everyone is well & I'm here if you want to comment or reply.

Thanks guys.



Star x
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Old 14th February 2017, 10:17 PM   #5
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,768
Re: Need to move on

Don't let yourself dwell on that feeling of being a failure. My husband felt that even though it was his ex who met another man and divorced him. One day after we had met and were dating, God said to him, 'I have opened the door for you, now walk though it'. He stopped feeling guilty from that day onward. God is so wise:-)
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Old 15th February 2017, 08:15 AM   #6
Starmate
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 75
Re: Need to move on

Thanks Chosen, such kind words. I would like to think that God has opened the door for me too. I'm getting through this just need time and it's getting a bit better each week. I was never allowed to express myself before, kept everything bottled up which was probably a large part of why I was depressed. There was no talking to him - he laughed at my feelings. I'm not sure he even has a heart, feel like such a fool - something else I am trying to get over. Good to hear from you hope you are well.

Star x
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Old 15th February 2017, 09:53 PM   #7
chosen
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Posts: 5,768
Re: Need to move on

Quote:
Originally Posted by Starmate View Post
Thanks Chosen, such kind words. I would like to think that God has opened the door for me too. I'm getting through this just need time and it's getting a bit better each week. I was never allowed to express myself before, kept everything bottled up which was probably a large part of why I was depressed. There was no talking to him - he laughed at my feelings. I'm not sure he even has a heart, feel like such a fool - something else I am trying to get over. Good to hear from you hope you are well.

Star x
yes I am good thanks.

Yes keeping emotions bottled up can cause depression, that has happened to me in the past.
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Old 16th February 2017, 06:54 PM   #8
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,397
Re: Need to move on

Sounds like he didn't put into the marriage much Starmate and didn't want to work at it. Hence the marriage dying. I know you would have worked at it if you had the chance, but it does take two. I get the feeling problems were there from the start and weren't worked out. He seemed to live like a single man with all these drinking parties etc.

Do you think you would want to get married again if you met the right person?
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