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Old 12th February 2017, 10:02 PM   #1
Raymond
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Advice Needed

Hi I just need advice, not because of my problem' but someone elses. I have never been divorced and am a bit ignorant in that area. Perhaps Chosen or someone else may be able to help.

A wife has come to me for help in the church. She is Nepalese and married to a Nepalese. She was giving advice to a Nepalese woman who's husband is a drug addict in Nepal. So she came to the UK leaving her daughter with her husband. She was telling the wife her problems of how she met a married Nepalese man at work in the UK and they were having sex. Then the husband starting getting her to do stuff with him and filming it. He threatened that he would expose her if she didn't co-operate so she did what he asked. My friend in the church advised her to go back to Nepal to her husband and daughter.

Last Wednesday my friend had a dream of her husband sleeping with three different women. When she told her husband he just said Uh O. When she was praying about the dream asking God what it was about, three minutes later the other wife from Nepal rang her up in tears and confessed the other man was her husband (my friend that is). She has been devastated ever since. I am to see her again with my wife tomorrow. Apparently her husband has exposed this woman by giving the pictures to her Aunt and Uncle who also live here. Therefore she had nothing to lose anymore in confessing.

The husband is known to be violent also and my friend has had a black eye more than once. I am confident to counsel her with my wife in regard to healing and encouragement but what I don't know is how she can seperate with her daughter once his infidelity has been proven. He has said to the other woman that he doesn't care if he goes to prison. He will get her if she crosses him.

My concern is for her safety and survival. She pays the mortgage and most of the bills. He hardly contributes anything even though he is earning from the army and also another job. I am quite sure my friend and her daughter would survive if it is proved that what the other woman confessed is true. The big problem is his violent nature and his tendency to exact revenge. The story is still unfolding but any advice about police protection and divorce proceedings would be helpful so that I can be armed in case of those eventualities. I would advise that my friend is a sterling christian but has suffered from her arranged marriage.
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Old 12th February 2017, 11:01 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: Advice Needed

So they both live here, and her husband has been cheating with three women? Is he in the British army? Are they residents here?

I think she needs to get legal advise about how she can protect herself and her daughter. If he has been violent and has threatened her, then a restraining order may be a good idea. Whether he will take any notice of that is another issue. If he is in the army then I would suggest she finds out who she can go to within that organisation to make sure they are aware of his threats and violent behaviour. Hopefully they will take it seriously and act accordingly. It may also be worth her going to the police and telling them of his threats and violence as well.
If the worst came to the worst and he because more threatening and she was afraid for their lives, then a women's refuge may be needed for a while. Or she could go to a family member or friend who lives away somewhere.

As for the divorce, there are many divorce solicitors around. Maybe find one on line.

She may need to move away at some point where he cant find her. Maybe even go home to be with her family?
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Old 13th February 2017, 09:14 AM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Advice Needed

Hi Chosen. Thanks for replying. The position is that the husband and his wife live here. The wife goes to our church with her daughter. The husband made a decision once, but there doesn't appear to be any fruit from it. The other woman came from Nepal and left her drug addict husband there with her daughter.

I cannot say for sure that he has been with three women. That was part of the wife's dream. It remains to be seen if there have been other women.

He hasn't been violent yet regarding this but it hasn't come out yet that she is aware of his behaviour. I am anticipating it though knowing his history. I believe he is an ex ghurka who has a job with the army. He has been violent there as well and almost lost his job. I cannot see her gooing back to Nepal as her daughter is at school here and doing well and she (the wife) has an obvious ministry amongst the Nepalese here. There seems to be hundreds here.

I take your point about legal advice and a restraining order but have a feeling that a restraining order will make him more violent. He has said to the other woman that he doesn't care if he goes to prison. She is in fear of meeting him now knowing what he is like. She still lives here as things are far better here than in Nepal. I know that divorce is complicated but will try and get some knowledge and legal advice if I can.
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Old 14th February 2017, 01:40 AM   #4
chosen
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Re: Advice Needed

So are you saying they are separated?
The thing is that he is a violent man and has beaten her before you said.
Do they have a house? Who is living in it? Does he know that she has found out about the affair?
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Old 16th February 2017, 07:07 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: Advice Needed

Hi Chosen. No they are not seperated. They both live in the house with her daughter but the mortgage is in her name and she pays it, not him. Fortunately his job with the ghurka's can take him away for three days and nights which gives her a break.

She confronted him about the affair as I suggested. He denied it twice and then said but I didn't force her. I am glad that he said that whilst trying to say he didn't force her. So now he knows she knows regardless of the forcing issue.

I don't know where it is going to go from here. I have suggested a separation but I don't know how that can happen in case he turns violent. I have now brought the pastor into it with her permission. He doesn't see it as a seperation or divorce as he says we need to give time for repentance, but there is no sign of that at the moment. If anything he seems to think he is a macho male for doing it. Waitng for repentance could take forever, but that is where it is at the moment. My feeling is to somehow for her to plan to get out of the prison. If repentance came at some point then it wouldn't be too late. Sometimes remorse that you have been caught can be mistaken for true repentance. I have warned her about that.
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Old 16th February 2017, 07:35 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: Advice Needed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Hi Chosen. No they are not seperated. They both live in the house with her daughter but the mortgage is in her name and she pays it, not him. Fortunately his job with the ghurka's can take him away for three days and nights which gives her a break.

She confronted him about the affair as I suggested. He denied it twice and then said but I didn't force her. I am glad that he said that whilst trying to say he didn't force her. So now he knows she knows regardless of the forcing issue.

I don't know where it is going to go from here. I have suggested a separation but I don't know how that can happen in case he turns violent. I have now brought the pastor into it with her permission. He doesn't see it as a seperation or divorce as he says we need to give time for repentance, but there is no sign of that at the moment. If anything he seems to think he is a macho male for doing it. Waitng for repentance could take forever, but that is where it is at the moment. My feeling is to somehow for her to plan to get out of the prison. If repentance came at some point then it wouldn't be too late. Sometimes remorse that you have been caught can be mistaken for true repentance. I have warned her about that.
Interesting that he seems to think adultery is ok as long as the other person wasnt forced.

I am astounded at your pastor. Here is a man who n hits his wife, who has threatened her with violence if she leaves, and who has cheated and isn't sorry, and he says she should stay?
Incredible. In her place I would take no notice of what a pastor says, I would plan to separate asap.
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Old 19th February 2017, 06:34 PM   #7
Raymond
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Re: Advice Needed

He is having coffee with her tomorrow to hear her face to face, as he only spoke on the phone.

I spoke to her today at church and she is ready to forgive him. I pointed out that forgiveness does not necessarily mend relationship if there is no repentance. She says he is playing the nice guy t the moment but doesn't know how long it will last. I said everything you would have said to her but it is early days.

She did have another dream where her father visted her in Nepal, but when she looked it wasn't her father but Jesus. It appears she has been supernaturally comforted by the dream even though her marriage is in a broken state. I think she needs to digest everything and needs God's wisdom to move on. Hopefully out of this. I am not pushing her as it is not I who will have to bear the long term consequences, but I don't see she has to be locked into this. She said that maybe she is no good which I knew was a lie and just a sympton from what had happened.

Thanks for your interest Chosen. It will gradually unfold and I will keep you informed. I really believe God is on her case and am I only giving opinions, not instructions.
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Old 21st February 2017, 11:03 PM   #8
chosen
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Re: Advice Needed

God knows the future doesn't He, and if the husband is going to keep cheating and being violent(which ihe almost certainly will), then I am sure God would want her and the child to be safe.
However as you say, its her decision.
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Old 22nd February 2017, 02:22 PM   #9
Raymond
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Re: Advice Needed

That's what I think Chosen. The pastor and his wife saw her yesterday but I'm up in a village near Coventry for five days looking after three tots with my wife. I think they call it Balsam Common. Maybe in the west midlands?

I'm believing for God to work in her situation and I'm sure He will. I got the opportunity yesterday to pray for him that he and his wife will havee wisdom in counseling.
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Old 24th March 2017, 02:41 PM   #10
Raymond
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Re: Advice Needed

Just an update. It seems things will take a while to work out here. He has agreed to leave by the end of the month, but we shall see. After that I have advised that she should tell him that she is changing the locks. Not advising him could make him go beserk. I have found out that he did a year in army prison for violence in another situation. If he doesn't keep his word then we will have to work out where we go from here.

She went to a meeting the other day when a Nepalese wife was testifying about a similar situation where she got beat up every day and was deprived of money. She said she went on a forty day fast and everything turned around. She has been musing on this but I hope she doesn't do anything stupid and finds out from God the way forward.
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Old 27th March 2017, 06:39 PM   #11
chosen
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Re: Advice Needed

Yes she needs Gods guidance. She will be far better off without him.
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Old 1st April 2017, 11:56 AM   #12
Raymond
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Re: Advice Needed

Thanks Chosen. As the case is ongoing I have decided to remove it from this public website to protect our counselee from any danger of unauthorised personell figuring out our moves.
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