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Old 22nd March 2003, 11:31 PM   #1
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Unhappy Cannot say no

Dear Moderator,

Before I start...well done on this website. I build websites myself, with very similair functionalities and this is a great one!

I will try and keep this short. I have the perfect husband and he is my best friend, but I keep on cheating on him when is away for a long(ish) period. Before we got married and after 3 years of marriage...did it again. I am so dissapointed in myself and don't know why I keep on doing it. I just cannot say no. I don't even necessarily like the men or feel attracted to them. I cannot stand being alone. My mother left us when I was 3 and had the same tendencies and sometimes I think it is hereditary. I hate myself for what I am doing to my dearest hubby. I love him so much and being a Christian, feel so ashamed. I so want to change and convinced myself that it would never happen again...but failed the test yet again. Please tell me what is wrong with me and how can I change?
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Old 24th March 2003, 05:13 PM   #2
Liz
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Thank you for your kind words about the web site.

Turning to your concerns about your marriage, Your own words may give some clues to what is going on - you can't bear to be alone. I wouldn't pick this up as something hereditary - it is more likely to be some deep seated insecurity because your mother left. Have you ever had any counselling or prayer for this?

You say that you can't stop yourself - well that is not the truth. With help and grace you can stop. When you accepted Jesus as your Saviour you were set free from the power of sin. He can give you the power to say no to temptation.

So first of all I would suggest that you get some help to find the root cause for what is happening. Secondly, don't allow yourself to get into a situation where you are exposed to temptation. If you know you have a weakness then protect yourself. Thirdly, find someone trustworthy to hold you accountable.

One of the maxims that we try to hold up in our marriage is this: If I cannot tell my loved one what I am about to do or want to do, then I don't do it. Walking completely "in the light" like this can prevent slipping into trouble.

I hope this helps a little and that you can find someone near at hadn to help you and pray for you.

Liz
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Old 28th March 2003, 11:27 PM   #3
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Smile Watch me say no!

Dear Liz,

Thank you very much for your reply. What you have said is so true and I thank you for your time and help. I will start praying for strength, guidance and protection from temptations. I know everything is possible with the help of the Lord. Thank you very much for your wise words.

God Bless.
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Old 8th September 2003, 03:27 AM   #4
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Dear (cannot say no) I can really identify with the loneliness that you feel I do not feel connected to my spouse I feel like lynne and at the same time feel guilty for feeling that way people need companionship without it we shrivle up inside.A faith in Jesus and praying helps trusted friendships help also the loneliness doesnt always go away but these things make it bareable I to wish not to divorce I look at my past sins and they tell me enough of what I need to know about the impact they have on the people I love others also end up suffering the consequenses or outcome
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Old 30th October 2004, 10:49 AM   #5
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Re: Cannot say no

Why is your husband away for long periods of time? I'm not at all going to suggest that you have any excuse for cheating on him when he is but it isn't right for him to be gone a lot. I would hate that! Husbands and wives need each other and you especially need him. When you tell him about these affairs--and I feel you do have a moral obligation to do so--tell him the reasons of you being lonely and feelings of abandonment from your childhood.

He may need to change jobs. Your marriage is more important than his job. if he is in the military, he should try to get out! What price a happy marriage? Of course I also feel you need some professional help. Try the counselors at NewLife.com They are Christian and can put you in touch with someone who can help you work through your issues. Obviously you cannot continue to cheat and expect to keep your husband. He WILL leave you for good if you continue. By cheating you are basically setting yourself up for the very thing you fear the worst--abondonment. And you would only have yourself to blame, wouldn't you?

Having sex with various men may be your way of getting approval as well as companionship. But those things need to be taken up with a professional.

Please pray about finding a good counselor--but get help. This is NOT normal!
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Old 8th November 2004, 08:47 PM   #6
Sierra
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Cannot say no - should be taken out and shot

You should be taken out and shot. How dare you.

If your husband has any sense he will immediately begin steps to divorce you. I would. To hell with love...you are risking getting him a disease.

I would adopt your morality in the divorce....I love her and I know this divorce hurts her but I just can't stop. I was hurt once as a child and now I am not responsible for my actions so she will just have to accept this divorce....its who I am. I know divorce will hurt her....I just can't say no to it.

People like you deserve the miserable lives you end up with. You are making simple choices to be unfaithful. Thats it. You chose.

If your head was not screwed on straight you should have told your husband BEFORE you got married.

I'm glad you feel bad. If you were my wife in short order you would feel a heck of a lot worse.

Dave
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Old 12th November 2004, 03:53 PM   #7
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Re: Cannot say no

Sound like you need to explore the ways in which you view intamacy.I understand from what youve said about your mother that perhaps this is where youve learnt this kind of behaviour early on.
Our earliest experiences with regards to trust and trusting depend alot on our childhood.
I think you shouldtake a look at what it is you are really doing,ask yourself is it really lonliness?sometimes its so much easier blaming other things such as lonliness.
Some people go through marriage and relationships in general being unable to stay committed or faithful.
They do a kind of emotional dance with their partner get close then pull away.Have you ever considered that you may be scared of giving yourself emotionally so feel the need for the infidelity in a way you give of yourself yet hold something in reserve alot i think is connected with your relationship with your mother.
Star with addressing the lonliness issue sometimes lonliness can be a pain in the a** when we arent so comfortable with our won selves and learning what kind of person you are etc.
As with regards to your hubby have you tried talking to him on this matter?
Perhaps it would be worthwhile writing him a letter explaining your lonliness and that you are finding it difficult?
Would it be possible or can you at least try?
Its so easy to give into temptation for any christian im glad that you realise you have a problem remeber when we are under temtation God also gives us a way out of it as well.
Take up some kind of hobby?Play some kind of sport get out and meet other people instead of waiting for your hubby fill your life with things that you enjoy instead of investing it waiting for the return of your man!
I truly sympathise with your position and remeber pray as i will for you!
Keep your head up just when you think it is hard it is even more important not to give up!
You made your vows now uphold them.I admire your honesty in coming here and confessing your personal thoughts and desires it says we should confess our sins to our brothers and sisters.
When you feel the temtation stand back and ask yourself is this really going to help my situation?Men and being unfaithful is not the way to tackle this you are crying out for help and lonliness is not just an affliction that affects the elderly.
Perhaps it would be worthwhile taking on a job of some description?
I pray that you will get through this God Bless you X
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