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Old 11th September 2008, 12:17 PM   #1
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"Emotionless" Athiest husband? *literally* ?

Not sure if anyone can help out with this... or have any advise to give on the matter... But I've been married about 3 years now, to an athiest........ and well things have been a bit "Rocky" as of late...... I don't really know how to explain this..... I really love my husband, very much so, and simply want him to be happy......He "Can" be a very good person...... and he does have his good side............ but there is just one "Minor" problem......

sometimes its as if he to put it...... is so logical/analytical, to the point is.......... "Emotionless" ............... I Know athiests see the world in a diff. light than christians do....... but Even for an athiest, I've never known anyone with such a ....... "barrier" to emotions surrounding them like he does.... this is really hard to understand, and so far it might seem like i'm exaggerating, you might be thinking "Oh come on..... no one can be *that* emotionless can they? unless you married a robot....." but let me give some examples.....

Family-- My husband sees nothing special about family, he's stated it clearly, "All family is about, is the fact you share some of the same dna........ nothing special about that, " I tried asking him further about this, and he just couldnt see *anything* special about family, couldnt think of any reason why he should feel obligated to love his family, just because he happened to be born with them, (btw he does come from a very good loving christian family........)

Marriage-- My husband admits he sees nothing special about marriage at all..... our marriage he openly admits, is nothing more than writing on a certificate, and a way for the government to keep track of taxes etc.... he only married me because "I" felt marriage was important, and so he went along with it....... its not that he doesnt want to be with me.... he has never cheated on me, or looked at other women, as he put it "He likes me more than he could like any other girl......." though he's admited that even though that statement is true.... he does not really "Love" me , and doesnt understand the "Love" emotion all together.....

"Life"/ "The world around us" -- once again my husband draws a blank here..... he figures "Hey, i'm here might as well enjoy it" and he enjoys video games........ my husband spends 10-14 hrs a day on the computer playing games....... sees nothing wrong with it...its not that he's "Escaping" from anything, he just lacks interest in *everything* ...nature, friends, sports, whatever..... he just sees it as no big deal....

sex/romance/holidays etc..... -- I know guys arent always big into romance...... but most guys at least understand "Holidays" every christmas or holiday we've spent together...... another 14 hr day on the computer.... he doesnt see what the big deal is about an anniversary, holiday, birthday..... and tells me i can go ahead and do "My thing" but he has no interest in it......... i've never once received a card from him or anything like that....... and as far as our sex life...... once again, he has no interest in "Sex" doesnt understand how "Guys can just lose themselves over sex like that" and doesnt see it as a big deal...... and actually his exact words "It all seems like a bunch of extra/meaningless work" to him.....

theres alot more, but i'll just bring up one of the most troubling things....... his emotionless state, has him rather "De-sensitized" for lack of a better way to put it, he finds this a good thing.......... "So he doesnt get carried away by pointless irrational emotions" but he watches alot of violent gruesome movies and anime shows, if a persons head gets blown off, or a child gets tortured in some way, he doesnt even flinch, i might be sobbing but its no big deal to him......... "People do bad stuff sometimes...... it happens" as he says...... "No point letting it get to you" i guess there's no harm in him not being troubled by such things... i'll say again he has a good side, and probably couldnt even hurt a fly, he knows whats right and wrong and does whats right, but just the thought that such things cannot even bother him..... nothing in this world is too good , or too awful for him........

the only time i have *ever* seen him filled with any sort of emotions, has been a few times he's had anger directed towards me...... dont get me wrong, he is usually extremely patient and has very little anger problems...... except when it comes to me........ sometimes him seeing me get emotional over something (just with me, not anyone else.......) he can get angrier than i've seen anyone else get, it can be scary even sometimes....

I'm not sure how to deal with this.... In one way i feel rather lonely/empty inside....... i see other happy couples celebrating holidays together, showing affection or something towards eachother..... and then i see me and my "Robot-like" husband...... whom I will never leave..... i do love him dearly and have seen his good side, and as long as he's willing to be with me and never cheats on me or anything, i have no reason to leave... but it does hurt sometimes..
on another side i feel so bad because i guess i feel sorry for him... i cant imagine what being like that might feel like..... to have such a hard rock barrier around oneself like that, that no emotions can go in or get out.....
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Old 11th September 2008, 06:12 PM   #2
Join Date: Dec 2006
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Re: "Emotionless" Athiest husband? *literally* ?

If you didn't say he came from a loving christian home animemoon I would have said he had a troubled upbringing from lack of love and his emotions were not awakened which can happen. If this wasn't the case could he have an aspergers problem? These kind of people thrive on logical things but are not very good at other precepts like shakespeare or commenting on Romeo and Juliet for instance. Give them maths, physics and technical things, chess etc. and they thrive. This kind doesn't say good morning etc. but it doesn't mean that they do not like you. Usually they are not good at things like being salesmen and relational type of jobs.

Apart from that he could be putting his mind above his emotions and will. Some mostly live on emotion. Some mostly by willpower. They will get anything done. A lot exalt only the mind, even above God and have practically made a God of the intellect. The only real solution is Christ as we are fallen creatures and our emotions are damaged and our soul is lopsided. Emotions are a valid part of our souls although we are not led by them. Many times in inner healing emotions are freed up so that we can function as whole people. We have to judge what are good and what are bad emotions of course, but good emotions should be allowed to be expressed otherwise they get pent up and we can suffer in wrong ways. Even anger is powerful if used in the right way, not the wrong way of course.

I don't really know the answer in his case. I think only christ is the answer as it is amazing what he can show by the spirit, when men fail. Some are never going to change until they come to God.

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Old 12th September 2008, 10:27 PM   #3
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Re: "Emotionless" Athiest husband? *literally* ?

Sounds an awful lot like Asperger's. I have an autistic son who has kinda been "upgraded" to Asperger's. Within our local autism community I've had a lot of dealings with children on all different levels of the autism spectrum, but I don't have a lot of experience with adults. Except that I work in engineering....and engineering is FULL of asperger's. It goes along with what Raymond said about math and logical thinking. Imagine Spock from Star Trek.

Could you casually ask his parents how he was a child? Has he ever been diagnosed with OCD? Is he overly sensitive to things like bright lights, loud noises or scratchy clothes? Is he an extremely picky eater? Does he get overly upset when his normal routine is interrupted? There are literally millions of people out there that are on the autism spectrum but have never been diagnosed. They're just considered a little strange or quirky. It has nothing to do with intelligence.

If you Google Asperger's you'll find tons of information. Read up on it and see what you think. You'd have to be very careful how you talk to him about it, but he might actually be relieved to finally get a diagnosis, to finally understand why he feels different from everyone else and out of sync. Even if you never mention it to him, it might make you feel better, and you might learn some tips for better ways to interact with him.
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Old 14th September 2008, 02:53 PM   #4
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Re: "Emotionless" Athiest husband? *literally* ?

Thanks for your replies..... I read up on it a little bit, but I don't think its Aspergers.... his mother has always thought he was a pretty normal child growing up......
though to answer your question, his mother and I have both noticed he cannot handle change too well..... so a change in his routine is something that can have a jekyl and hide effect on him... we just moved a few weeks ago, and with all the change/adjusting, i've never seen him in such an awful temper......but other than that i havent noticed anything else like that
I'll also add that this is something thats been going on for only the past few years... probably since we got married... and rather than him "Trying to feel" emotion, or "Trying to understand" its more like he "No longer cares" kind of like he just up and decided it was all a bunch of rubbish/nonsense that doesnt make sense, and people who get carried away with "Emotions" like that, are just delusional or something..... and none of it just makes sense to him anymore...

I cant think of any event that might have caused this..... but i admit sometimes i feel as though i'm at fault....... me being such an emotional person myself, sometimes i notice a bit of resentment toward me coming from him.... and i sort of feel like maybe being married to me might have caused him to lose hope in life or something if that makes sense......
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Old 15th September 2008, 08:19 AM   #5
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Re: "Emotionless" Athiest husband? *literally* ?

I think I know where you are coming from. We are meant to feel as well but granted a lot of women are more at home with their emotions.

Perception is important though. If someone is hurting especially ones wife' we need to learn how to function in meeting the need. This is a leanred thing for many men, but it can be learned and become a part of you. I was brought up as an orphan and didn't have the love input that makes for emotional growth so I had a lot of catching up to do. We all have to be ourselves but there is a moral element involved of just loving the other person in spite of ones makeup. I have discovered that practice makes perfect. Right decisions in the long run produce right emotions. It is willingness to learn that counts.

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