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Old 21st November 2015, 07:46 PM   #1
bella4357
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Sexless marriage at 26?

Hi all,

I'm a 26 year old female who has been married under a year. Mr. Bella is different than most of the other guys I dated - I guess you could say he's more stable than they are. He has a good job and wants a family. He doesn't do drugs or drink excessively. He's always treated me with respect. All of these are reasons I wanted to marry him. But the sex was also a bit toned down, compared to other relationships. Not in frequency (at least before we were married) but in intensity. Like it wasn't the marathon sex I would have with some other boyfriends, but it was still fun. It was never a problem, because we both seemed satisfied.

Before we got married, we had sex all the time, it seemed like. At least 5x a week, whenever we were together (we didn't live together before marriage).

We had to be apart for almost a year for various reasons, but stuck it out and continued on our way. Then we got married and moved in together. The first few months were difficult but we figured it out and now are doing fine in terms of working as a team - but I feel like that's all we are.

We have sex like once a month, tops. Sometimes once every few months. Coming from 5x week when we were together before, it was quite a shock. Obviously it made me wonder if it was me - but I've actually lost about 10 pounds, though I wasn't overweight before. I don't look sickly thin or anything either. I work out, take care of myself, etc. So it's not my appearance. And I don't think it's someone else, as Mr. Bella moved 1,000+ miles away just to be with me and marry me.

The obvious answer is to talk to him about it, but that's the thing - I DID. And nothing has changed. I told him I didn't understand why things have slowed down so much and he said he just felt like we've had an adjustment period and that he's never been a super sexual person anyway. Which is not really the impression I'd gotten from him for the past two years we were together.

And before, he would be excited about role play or other sexual things that he would want me to do but he never brings those things up anymore. I tried to bring it up to see if it would help spark things, but he acted like he wasn't even interested anymore.

I really don't understand. If it wasn't the fact that I know where he is all the time, I would think he's cheating. But I don't. All in all, Mr. Bella is a rather trustworthy guy. And I say this as a girl who's had experience dating quite a few dirtbags

The only thing that's "changed" is that I did tell him about a trauma from my past a few months before we were married, because I thought he had the right to know, because it affects the way I feel about having kids. I was raped as a child, so it just makes me hesitant about the whole childbearing process. I want kids, just not immediately, which I wanted Mr. Bella to understand. He said he understood and that was the end of it, but... idk. Really, ever since then it's like he doesn't want anything to do with me.

Did telling him that disgust him? Why did he marry me if he finds me disgusting? I'm so sad... it's not like it was my fault and I was just trying to be honest so he would understand about me wanting to wait a year or two before kids. Maybe I never should have told him.

All I know is I'm not happy. I'm really unhappy, actually. If he really just doesn't want to ever have sex with me again, I suppose we just get divorced? Is there a such thing as sex therapy? What exactly does that entail? I don't even know. I don't think we need couples therapy, as we get along perfectly in every other aspect - we're a great team, really. Just... not sexually. Not anymore.

What do you guys think? I'm just tired of being sad.
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Old 21st November 2015, 11:14 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: Sexless marriage at 26?

I honestly think that you DO need marriage counseling, because this is a very important thing, so important that you are even wanting a divorce.
You both need to communicate for more to find out what is going on, and a trained third party will be able to help you do this.

Does he look a porn do you know?
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Old 22nd November 2015, 02:28 AM   #3
Lindentree1
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Re: Sexless marriage at 26?

A marriage with little to no sex is a huge issue in a marriage. Marriage counseling could help you save your marriage. You both need help to open up with a professional to get to the root of what is going on. I would not dismiss counseling. For the sake of your marriage, I would seriously consider it if I were you.
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Old 22nd November 2015, 05:20 AM   #4
bella4357
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Re: Sexless marriage at 26?

Thanks for the replies.

Chosen, I don't think he looks at porn excessively. He never did before and his computer habits haven't changed. However, I haven't gone all out stalker wife and tried to monitor his computer activity, so it's always a possibility. I did basically point blank ask him if he'd been using porn when I brought up the sex issue and he said he rarely even masturbates at all

It's just so strange that he would go from being sexual to not being sexual. I don't know if he's depressed? I know he did say he feels lonely out here because all of his family and friends are back home and he doesn't like his new job out here. He's trying to find a different one but hasn't had much luck yet. I try to do fun things with him obviously but I'm sure I'm no substitute for his guy buddies.

I agree counseling could help, I'm just not sure what kind. I brought up marriage counseling when we first moved in together because we were arguing quite a bit but he was very against it because he thought it was ridiculous that we just got married and already needed counseling.

I personally think it would be more ridiculous to get a divorce because we didn't try anything, but that's just me. However, I haven't brought this up recently to him, so as far as he knows I've either gotten used to it or given up. I also have never used the "D" word around him because I feel it's bad to just throw it around. I don't want to just give up on us, but I'm at a loss of what to do if he won't communicate with me or try counseling. I just have to figure out how to either get him to open up or at least get him to agree to some counseling.

I just hope counseling will help, if he agrees to it. I'm not sure if he'll be thrilled to talk to a stranger about our sex life, though. Bleh. I wish he would just tell me what was going on!
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Old 22nd November 2015, 06:28 AM   #5
Lindentree1
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Re: Sexless marriage at 26?

You could be right. He could possibly be depressed. He also might want to get his testosterone levels checked. This could possibly be a mental or physical issue. All avenues should be explored till you get to the bottom of this.

If you both love each other you can work together to fix this, but he also has to be willing to look at what the problem could be.
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Old 22nd November 2015, 10:30 AM   #6
chosen
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Re: Sexless marriage at 26?

I think you need to make it clear to him how desperate you are, before you ask him to go to counselling. If he knows that it may just save your marriage then surely he will agree? Its not just about sex, but why he has changed so much.
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Old 24th November 2015, 05:39 PM   #7
Raymond
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Re: Sexless marriage at 26?

It is possible he didn't know you enough before you married. Maybe he wanted a stable family with children and now he feels it is different from what he wanted. Just a thought. I don't see any reason why it cannot be a good marriage if things are worked through. He may be marriage material but maybe postponement of children and you being sexually abused threw him. You were right to tell him about that. I have been sexually abused myself as it happens. He may not be mature enough to accept things as they are and might need encouragement concerning children and that things can work even if you have been sexually abused.

With regard to sex the relationship is more important than sex. Out of good relationship comes true sexual intimacy. Sex has to be relevant to who you are eventually and not just something you do.
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Old 7th December 2015, 08:05 AM   #8
luca3434
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Re: Sexless marriage at 26?

I know from bitter personal experience that one party in a relationship witholding sex when the other party desires it can be destructive. It is not like finding out about an affair that can kill a marriage dead like a heart attack, it is more akin to cancer that slowly but surely eats away at the marriage until there is nothing left. Don't attribute any of this to your looks or weight either. 26 is too young to be celibate. If he does not want you, find someone who does.
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Old 7th December 2015, 09:37 AM   #9
Raymond
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Re: Sexless marriage at 26?

You are right about sex Luca. It is very much a valid part of marriage and shouldn't be witheld. However there may be problems before marriage that need to be sorted. These can be attitudes that somehow sex is wrong with accompanying guilt feelings. The other extreme being that it was abused before marriage by giving it away cheaply outside of marriage not realising what a precious gift it is and how much a part of yourself it is.

Personally I wouldn't be too quick to counsel divorce so early as it needs time to process and learn what the root of the problems actually are.
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Old 7th December 2015, 09:03 PM   #10
Lindentree1
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Re: Sexless marriage at 26?

Quote:
Originally Posted by luca3434 View Post
I know from bitter personal experience that one party in a relationship witholding sex when the other party desires it can be destructive. It is not like finding out about an affair that can kill a marriage dead like a heart attack, it is more akin to cancer that slowly but surely eats away at the marriage until there is nothing left. Don't attribute any of this to your looks or weight either. 26 is too young to be celibate. If he does not want you, find someone who does.
You went through a lot in your marriage. I'm glad you're happy now.
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