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   Home  > Health Club > Building closeness and intimacy > Articles

Getting our Baggage Unpacked, "Communication in Marriage". Part 5

By Norman & Ann Bales Of All About Families

How to Unpack the Baggage

It Can't Get Better Unless We Learn How to Unpack the Baggage

  1. Start with taking a more objective look at yourself.

    "Equal to the importance of the need for love is the need that we are worthwhile both to ourselves and others . . . If we do not feel worthwhile, we will suffer as acutely as when we fail to love and be loved." William Glasser, Reality Therapy.

    How do you overcome the baggage of low self-regard? Brag on yourself? Take a course in assertiveness training? Become a hypercritical person who always finds fault with others in an attempt to make yourself look good? Self-righteousness? We all know those things don't work. Dr. Robert Rigdon offers a much better approach to overcoming negative self-regard. He said,

    "Self esteem is usually fulfilled in relationship to others. We are dependent, but we are not helpless. When people verbally and/or nonverbally prize, praise, honor, respect us, we have our need for self respect replenished."

  2. Unpack "neglect" through proactive communication.

    You can improve the quality of your relationship almost immediately if you will just sit down some evening and talk about things like:

    What are the activities, conditions, places, people that: Excite you? Calm you? Free you? Bring you joy? Support you? Nurture you? Stimulate you? Challenge you? Give you meaning? Make you laugh? Energize you? (Source: Richard Kruse. Toronto, Canada).

  3. Don't let your background trap you.

    One of the popular buzzwords used to describe families these days is the term dysfunctional. All of us probably come from dysfunctional families. We are dysfunctional to varying degrees. Our parents, our childhood traumas, our poor role models, our own sins may have contributed to poor behavior patterns, but we are not imprisoned by those patterns. We are a new creation in Christ Jesus (2 Corinthians 5:17). God's Spirit lives within us and by his Spirit we have the power to "put to death the misdeeds of the body" (Romans 8:13). As free people in Christ, we live with the daily challenge to rise above conformity to this world and to live transformed lives (Romans 12:2). We are not slaves to the past. We are not victims. We are empowered by God to overcome negative backgrounds and dysfunctional behavior patterns.

  4. We can choose a positive perception of life.

    Life may have dealt some hard blows in the past and probably will again. We have a friend who says "You are about as happy as you make up your mind to be." Paul found contentment despite imprisonment."(Philippians 4:11). The key to his approach to life was thought control. "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things." (Philippians 4:8).

    Give her thorns, she'll find roses,
    Give her sand, she'll find the sea,
    Give her rain, she'll find the rainbow,
    Just see the love, she's found in me.

  5. Get outside yourself.

    The greatest cost in unpacking your baggage was described by the apostle Paul in Philippians 2:3-4, when he said, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

    Whether your marriage mess involves infidelity, neglect, miscommunication, abuse, unfulfilled expectations, lack of appreciation, lack of quality time spent together, failure to share work responsibilities, in-law troubles, financial problems or anything else that weakens the quality of your relationship, the biggest challenge to your relationship involves your willingness to do what Paul talked about in Philippians 2:3-4.

    Norman recalls a pivotal time in his life.

    I will never forget the date. It was leap year and February 29 fell on a Sunday. The pulpit minister was gone. I was the educational minister for the church and usually preached on the Sunday when he was away. But the elders thought the youth minister ought to have a shot at the pulpit once in awhile, so they let him have that Sunday night. He was not a polished speaker, but I still remember what he preached on. He preached on "Dying to Self." Ann was at home with the flu that night, so she didn't hear the sermon. I was deeply moved by his message. I was especially touched with his reference to 1 Corinthians 15:31, where Paul said, "I die every day." I decided that was what I was not doing. I was not dying to myself on a daily basis. I went forward and asked for the prayers of the church because I needed strength that I didn't have to be able to do that. I won't say that I've never let self live since that time, but at least I became aware that self was controlling me and it was killing my marriage. The costliest, most painful lesson I've ever had to learn is dying to self. It's a lesson I'm still in the process of learning, but I've learned enough of it to know that it pays tremendous rewards.

  6. Work on developing productive conflict management skills.

    Even in a good marriage, there will be offenses, misunderstandings and disagreements. We all have the need to forgive and to be forgiven. Let me once again emphasize the principle that what the scriptures say about relationships in general, normally has application in marriage. With respect to forgiveness, husbands and wives who want to strengthen their marriages need to live by the standards of Colossians 3:13 "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

    We watched a special television presentation about Roy Rogers, which was shown shortly after his death. The program included a segment dealing with his marriage to Dale Evans. He stated that when they first married they made the decision to never go to bed angry or upset with each other. No matter what was going on they took the time to work through the disagreement and one or both of them would say, "I'm sorry, can you forgive me." That is a great example for all of us to follow.

    Minirith and Meier in their book Happiness is a Choice suggest that forgiveness is essential to human happiness. Forgiveness is not necessarily the immediate elimination of negative feelings. Forgiveness is an act of the will. From the day we marry, if we are realistic, we will recognize that conflicts will occur. If you want a happy, healthy, growing marriage, from day one you need to resolve to be a forgiving person.

    CONCLUSION

    Too often we allow ourselves to be restricted by walls that don't exist. A man decided to pour his goldfish into a bathtub full of water. The goldfish were used to swimming around in small circles. In the bathtub, they were no longer restricted to their small container, but they still swam around in the circles the size of their home. They never realized they had more freedom. Sometimes we allow ourselves to be tied to the baggage of the past and we increase the level of hostility in our marriages because we feel we are tied to the baggage. As free men and women in Christ, we are no longer chained to negative memories and events. There are no limits on what we can overcome. "I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13).

    For the next article in the series click here

    For the previous article in the series click here

    Introduction


In this article
- Introduction
- How to Unpack the Baggage

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