The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs
By Peggy Vaughan
New Hope for Monogamy
When I discovered my husband's affairs, I had a hard time coping with the idea that our marriage was not monogamous in the way I had assumed it would be. While I gave up my belief in the Monogamy Myth, I didn't give up my hope for monogamy. I still believe in monogamy and think it's attainable. But achieving monogamy calls for making some drastic changes in our thinking. The irony of the Monogamy Myth is that it keeps us from dealing with the issues that need to be addressed in order to make monogamy a more attainable goal.
The best hope for monogamy lies in rejecting the idea that a couple can assume monogamy without discussing the issue, or that they can assure monogamy by making threats as to what they would do if it happened. Either of these paths creates a cycle of dishonesty. In either case, people don't feel free to admit being attracted to someone else. If they don't admit these attractions, then they won't admit being tempted. And if they don't admit being tempted, then they certainly won't admit it if and when they finally act on the attraction. The effect on the relationship is to cause it to be filled with jealousy and suspicion, as well as making it less likely that it will be monogamous.
The hope for monogamy lies in making a conscious choice that specifically involves a commitment to honesty. In making this choice, both partners realize that attractions to others are likely, indeed inevitable, no matter how much they love each other. So they engage in ongoing honest communication about the reality of the temptations and how to avoid the consequences of acting on those temptations. The effect on the relationship is to create a sense of closeness and a knowledge of each other that replaces suspicion with trust, making it more likely that it will be monogamous.
Monogamy is something most people say they believe in and want for themselves. Every survey ever done on this question shows a high percentage of people think monogamy is important to marriage and that affairs are wrong. But a belief in monogamy as an ideal doesn't prevent large numbers of people from having extramarital affairs. We need to make a commitment to face the reality of affairs and address the issue in a more responsible way, both individually and as a society.
This means challenging many of our most cherished beliefs about monogamy and affairs. It will be hard to question some of our old assumptionsand even harder to give them up. Our attitudes about monogamy and affairs are so ingrained that we find it difficult to consider anything that deviates from those beliefs. But it's essential if we're to gain understanding and perspective about this very emotional issue.
A new understanding of affairs involves more than just changing our thinking about the cause of affairs. It also includes changing our thinking about how to handle the issues of blame, secrecy, self-esteem, getting help, and whether or not to stay in the marriage. The following chapters will examine each of these aspects, reviewing the old ways of thinking and presenting a new understanding of each issue as it relates to the overall understanding of affairs. This will include concrete ideas for couples who want to stay in the marriage and work through their personal experience with affairs. And it also will include suggestions for achieving personal survival, regardless of whether the marriage survives. Self-help strategies alone seldom bring full recovery from this experience, either as a couple or individually. Recovery depends on getting beyond our strictly personal view of affairs to an understanding of them within a broader framework.
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