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   Home  > Tips

Letting go

Moving straight from one relationship into another is almost guaranteed to bring problems. The break-up of a marriage is full of pain – a far cry from the easy experience usually presented by the media. Both parties are inevitably left feeling bruised and battered, and quite possibly angry, bitter, resentful and a failure.

It takes time to work through these feelings. Somehow, we shall have to forgive and let go of the first marriage partner, if we are going to make it the second time around. It isn’t easy, but it’s essential, otherwise we’ll bring the bad feelings into the new relationship, and all the old problems will start again.

It helps to tie up as many loose ends as possible from the first marriage before going ahead with the second: the sale of the home, financial arrangements, property, and resettling the children. These plans need to be in place, other wise we’re storing up trouble for the future.

If either party has been widowed or divorced, it is important to make sure that they have fully recovered before a new friendship develops. Until then, they are not ready for a new relationship. How easy it is to fall in love with the first person who shows genuine sympathy, but a lasting marriage cannot be built on sympathy. It has to be based on shared hearts and minds and close friendship.

Dos’ and Don’ts for second marriages

- by one who has been there

  1. Do learn to live independently before starting a new relationship.
  2. Do try to recover from the grief or divorce before starting a new relationship.
  3. Don’t live together before marriage. Don’t rush.
  4. Don’t live in the previous spouse’s house. If you have to, be sensitive.
  5. Don’t dwell in the past. Live in the present. Look to the future.
  6. Do put your spouse first. Treat children equally.
  7. Do allow your spouse time with his/her own children. Let their own parent discipline them.
  8. Do spend regular time alone together.
  9. Do learn to laugh – and laugh again.
  10. Do always communicate, communicate, communicate.

( Excerpted by permission from from 'Hang on I need to say SOMETHING' by Gillian Warren, copyright & published by Gazelle Books, ISBN 1 899746 09 9, retail price £5.99)

Tip by Gillian Warren


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