Becoming a Parent-in-law - a life transition
By Dan and Mari Greenwood
How Family Members Talk Together
Some older and younger in-laws know each other well enough before the marriage takes place to regard each other as friends.
Knowing people well makes for easier conversations.
Diagram 1
Interactions between parents P1 and P2 ( of Y1 ) and the young couple Y1 and Y2, who know each other individually |
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However, some married in-laws have a joint identity rather than separate identities in the eyes of their young in-laws.
As in-laws we may be presented as a couple, and our son-in-law or daughter-in-law may always view us as a unit with a corporate identity. This corporate identity will inevitably give a false picture of what we actually are: namely, two different individuals. It is possible that an understanding of each of the older couple may not emerge. Neither of them may be much ‘known’ and their ways of dealing with life and relationships may remain a closed book. See Diagram 2
The interactions of in-law relating are complex, as each of the younger couple begins to communicate with their spouses’ parents, in addition to their own parents.
If the older couples are not still together there may be gaps in family life through loss, or there may be multiplicity through new partnerships or marriages. With step-fathers-in-law and step-mothers-in-law there are four in-laws, and therefore more numerous expectations and obligations, especially at Christmas. See Diagram 4
The diagrams illustrate just a few possibilities in relationships.
Every family will be working with different structures.
Diagram 2
Interaction between people trying to relate couple-to-couple and only touching on the ‘mid-points’ of corporate identity. This can happen when parents do not know their own son or daughter well, nor the person they are marrying |
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Diagram 3
The young in-law is only able to relate to the parents-in-law as a couple because he/she does not yet know them well. |
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Diagram 4
Possible interactions where there are extra in-laws, Step-parents 1 and 2.
This assumes that Y1 knows his/her step-parents quite well, which is not always the case. Relating to parents as couples is a very likely pattern. |
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POINT TO PONDER - For every family this will be different.
You may like to draw a diagram of how you think your family is.
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