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   Home  > Wedding Centre > Articles

Becoming a Parent-in-law - a life transition

By Dan and Mari Greenwood

The Experiences Of Other In-Laws

This page contains findings from a questionnaire about the joys, challenges and stresses of being parents-in-law.

The questions they answered

How many young in-laws do you have?

When were the marriages?

What joys have you experienced in being an in-law?

What have been some of the challenges?

What have you found stressful?

What helps you to cope when there are problems?

Have you any further comments?

The answers they gave

What joys have you experienced in being an in-law?

Gaining a good friend with someone who has fitted in as one of the family, getting on well with my younger son and daughter.

Seeing our offspring mostly happily married and developing their own homes

Widening our interests through knowing our young in-laws.

Friendship

Less responsibility for looking after our son, because he now has a wife.

Grandchildren.

The pleasure of talking with girls. Shared interest in predominantly people-centred and ideas-centred conversations.

Having another son.

Seeing my daughter-in-law being such a loving wife and mother.

Adding a daughter to an all-male family.

Having delightful, responsible people as young in-laws, and the fact that they all share their faith with their spouses.

Welcoming a warm and loving son-in-law into our family.

I always longed for a daughter, and now I have a daughter-in-law who is always willing to share her children with me. We can be honest with each other.

Few personal joys in the relationship.

What have been some of the challenges?

Building the relationships.

Each of us had to get over some of the usual thoughts and ideas about in-laws.

I find it hard to relinquish the parental role I have had for so many years.

One of my daughters in law finds it quite hard to relate to a gathering of people simultaneously, although she is more relaxed one to one.

Losing the confidence of our own son.

Realising that we all bring ‘baggage’ with us to these new relationships.

The sheer frustration of not being allowed to talk with my daughter-in-law.

Some awkwardness with our son-in-law’s parents.

Our family unit has always seemed secure and it is difficult to let someone else into that.

Different nationality and denomination.

Our young in-laws have not had much previous experience of nuclear family- or wider family-life, so we are somewhat superfluous to them.

We are different in every possible way and have no shared values.

Realising that the young people expect things very much on their terms.

Losing the quality of mutual friendship we had achieved with our sons before their marriages.

I find it hard to let someone else into our secure family life.

Facing change at this stage of life, as at other stages.

Being criticised openly and covertly.

Accepting someone else is now caring for our daughter and not us.

Recognising the different upbringings and expectations of our daughters-in-law.

Trying to encourage daughters-in-law who have highly competent mothers and feel rather under-skilled as a result of that.

Managing not to fall out, although I’ve felt like it often.

Keeping the relationship on an even keel.

Where to spend Christmas.

Trying to accept them as they are and follow-up on their interests.

Getting to know them. It’s difficult to find out what they really think.

Trying to discover what they actually want of their in-laws.

It took some years before reserve began to come down with one of our young in-laws.

What have you found stressful?

Adjusting to our son-in-law’s personality, especially in the early days.

Misunderstandings.

Our young in-law has no ability to communicate with us in a meaningful way.

I find it hard to relinquish my role as mother. I think men find it easier to let go than women do.

Our daughter-in-law dominating her husband, our son.

Early on it was stressful working at being accepted as a friend and not someone to be wary of.

Our son and daughter-in-law wanting most of the control over our relationship with them.

Selfishness, rudeness.

Our daughter has changed from our family’s way of doing things to her husband’s family’s ways, especially over meals, which are slow and disorganised.

Having to let go of our sons and also to let go of our expectations of relationship with our daughters-in-law.

Nothing has been stressful.

Our main concern has been trying to match levels of discipline for our grandchildren with those chosen by their parents.

Surprisingly our daughter seems to have grown away from us and our problems are more with her than with our son-in law.

Some of our grandchildren exhaust us.

I worry about my daughter in law not enjoying herself in a family gathering and I worry about whether I have said the right thing.

My daughter-in-law’s unreliability. She will say or promise something and then not keep to it.

A daughter-in-law’s depression, secrecy and lack of communication.

The fact that daughters seem to be closer to their parents than sons are, and this includes after marriage.

What helps you to cope when there are problems?

Being free to talk about anything.

Remembering only to give advice when asked.

The memory of appreciative notes sent from young in-laws from time to time.

Recognising that both my daughter-in-law and I are fairly shy and will inevitably have uncomfortable times.

Trying to do things right and keep my mouth shut.

Trying to hang in, give encouragement and speak positively wherever I can.

Prayer, my Christian spouse, forgiveness.

Keeping in regular contact by telephone.

Praying

Talking things through.

Being able to hear each other’s point of view and respecting each other even when we differ.

Trying to be objective and perceptive and always hoping things will improve.

Support from spouse and a few very close friends.

Trying to continue to forgive.

Keeping in touch with the other grandparents even when things are difficult.

Recognising that one’s well-meant actions may be misunderstood or rejected.

Trying to act with love and not giving up..

Keeping communication going either at a shallow level or as deep as is necessary. We know the road-blocks are on their side, not ours.

Remembering my own mistakes.

Other comments

I want to accept the personal challenge of growing and improving these relationships.

I want to gain more and more independence so they don’t feel burdened by us.

I want us to add joy to each other’s lives with our love.

I think better communication is the key to better relationships.

I feel in need of affirmation from my daughters-in-law.

I want friendship, kindness and generosity with each of them as individuals and not just operating as couples.

The relationship is uneasy at times. I so much want to accept them as family and I do try hard, but the resistance seems to be on their side.

We are a close family and in-laws from different backgrounds can feel threatened.

It seems that families just are not so close these days and we have to accept that, but also we so have to offer help and ‘be there’ for them when needed.

We think it’s important to keep in occasional touch with the other senior in-laws.

Being the parents of a married son is hugely different from being parents of a married daughter, and not so good.

I feel it is important to build up a friendship and make sure the young in-law is not threatened by you or by your relationship with you son/daughter.

16 Ways To Do The Best You Can

Postscript - What Will They Call Us?


In this article
- Introduction
- Building New Relationships and Continuing with Old Ones
- Getting To Know Ourselves
- Trying to understand apparent remoteness of some young in-laws
- Preparing To Become In-Laws
- Essential Components for Relationships
- Relating Health Check for Parents
- Understanding Temperament Differences
- Understanding Temperament Differences (cont.)
- How Family Members Talk Together
- Couples Need Family And Friends
- 16 Ways To Do The Best You Can
- The Experiences Of Other In-Laws
- Postscript - What Will They Call Us?

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- Becoming a Parent-in-law - a life transition
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Copyright © Dan and Mari Greenwood - 2003


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