Becoming a Parent-in-law - a life transition
By Dan and Mari Greenwood
Preparing To Become In-Laws
By the time of marriage a young man or woman should have matured sufficiently to be able to be a friend to each of their parents (provided that the parents are capable of friendship).
Where adult/adult friendship exists between the generations there can be, between parents and their grown-up children, two-way provision of:
- affection
- encouragement
- comfort
- security
- honest loving communication
It is very good if the new husband or wife can join their partner in continuing with these aspects of love. Inevitably quantity of time spent with parents will decrease, but quality of relationship should not diminish. However, sometimes one partner’s less good experience of family relationships may make it difficult for them to accept the other partner’s links with family.
POINT TO PONDER – Marriage preparation for parents and parents in law?
Some form of marriage preparation for in-laws could be very useful, as the older generation, as well as the young people, are going through a process of change as a result of the marriage. Many issues may surface before or after the wedding. It is hard for parents-in-law to imagine how much change will be involved for them. This is often only realised with hindsight.
Parents could be given opportunity to consider both the content of adult friendship with their son or daughter and the ‘leaving and cleaving’ necessary for marriage. Ideally both ‘sets’ of parents could ‘give away’ their son or daughter, to symbolise the change of relationship that the marriage makes for each of the parents.
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POINT TO PONDER – Many people are unofficial 'in-laws' to their son’s or daughter’s partner.
This can work out very well. However in such relationships there may be considerable ambiguity and uncertainty about relational status, which is sometimes unsettling.
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POINT TO PONDER – Many older parents will be single.
It may seem impractical to offer in-law preparation, because nowadays far fewer young people will have parents who are still ‘together’ and some young people will have amongst their relatives their parents’ second spouses or partners.
But all the more emotional support is needed for parents who live alone, as they begin the voyage through uncharted waters with a new member of the family ‘on board’ whose life experience has been different from their own. They meet the young couple one-to-two, which is very different from having their own spouse partnering them in this. When aspects of in-law relating cause anxiety, they have no partner to help them to evaluate the situation and decide how to respond (or to share the pain of problems).
Where parents and their offspring do not have existing friendships between the generations these matters may be of much less importance. People are unlikely to become closer to their own offspring after the marriage than before, but thankfully it does happen sometimes.
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POINT TO PONDER – Conversations build friendship
– What’s your style?
Some people find conversations with new people easy, others find them a source of anxiety. The easiest conversations are gentle, undemanding, accepting, and encouraging.
- Short ‘stories’ can be interesting and long ‘stories’ can be boring.
- Passivity is discouraging.
- Strong opinions can be intimidating.
- Interrupting can be frustrating.
- Too many questions can be threatening.
- ‘No questions’ can indicate disinterest.
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